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Broke up with my boyfriend and might be regretting it [UPDATED]


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Posted

Okay so I"m 26 years old and so is my boyfriend. We both live with our parents. I am currrently in school and he has a bachelors. We have been together for 3 years. Things were good the first year, but then something happened on our second year.

 

I got a pregnancy scare and ever since then I've been afraid of getting intimate with him. Needless to say we didn't get much action last year.

 

Another thing that really bothered me was that he had no job, no ambition and that he didn't know how to drive. That hasn't changed as of yet. Last year he got a temp job but now its 3 months later and still no job again. I have been telling him for two years to get a job, to learn to drive and he never really tried. It was only recently last year that he finally really really tried. Now he's trying again but I think I was over it or I just grew too impatient.

 

Today I was excited to do it again with him but when we finally did it It felt wrong. I hurt, it didn't feel right. That is what prompted me to break up with him. I told him I was tired of waiting for him to get a job, I told him I didn't like his lack of ambition and his shyness. I really hurt him. I jumped the gun and broke up with him.

 

It wasnt really a spur of the moment though because I had contemplated breaking up with him before I just couldnt go through with it. I also warned him several times I would break up with him if he didn't get a job or learn to drive.

 

Either way I feel terrible. I just broke up with him at the most unfortunate time. We were there for a romantic evening in a motel and I end up breaking up with him in the worst possible way. I wasted his time and money. I made him feel terrible.

 

I am now wondering if I did the right thing. Should I had broken up with him?

 

I told him we could still be friends. I told him we were on a break later on facebook and that maybe once he changes we will get back together. He hasn 't responded to anything.

Posted

If you feel that badly about how you treated him when you ended things with him, I suggest you reach out with an apology and then give him space.

 

I think you should also spend some time apart to think about what it is you really want. You're clearly unhappy with him. Lack of ambition on its own is a real downer if you're ambitious because then you have a couple with fundamentally incompatible approaches to life and the future. He's happy to cruise with whatever but you might want to have a career and accomplish things.

Posted
I told him we could still be friends. I told him we were on a break later on facebook and that maybe once he changes we will get back together. He hasn 't responded to anything.

Please don't throw him scraps. He does not want to be "friends", he does not want to be "on a break". I am not surprised he hasn't responded. If he came here asking for advice, everyone would have told him not to respond to the breadcrumbs that you're throwing him.

 

Look, you need to decide what you want here. If you want to fix the relationship then you need to communicate that to him, soon, and emphatically. No nonsense pussy footing around. If you want him back, tell him straight that you want him back. If there are conditions to you taking him back, state them clearly and straightforwardly. No "maybe"s or "sometime"s or "one day"s.

 

If you've had enough of him not changing -- and I certainly agree with you that after all this time the chances of him changing are very small! -- then you need to leave him alone to deal with the break-up.

 

Giving him any kind of half-way ground is only going to give him false hope and hurt him more.

  • Like 1
Posted

You can't force somebody to learn how to drive and get a job, you can't change somebody's ambition or lack there of, maybe breaking up with him will be a kick up the back side that he needed or maybe it'll only lower his ambition because he feels terrible, either way if you are not happy with him for whatever reason, I'd tell you it's time for a rethink.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone! I'm hurting for sure. Still not sure what to do. I think I will wait a week like my sister suggested and see what happens. I need to let him

deal with his emotions too. Maybe in a week we can talk again and see where we are at. I guess even though I had been warning him that I would break it off if he did not change, I still did it at such an unexpected time.

 

The pregnancy scare that I had really changed my views on him. I think I'm just really paranoid of getting pregnant. I did not feel as secure with him. I did let him know often but it seemed he always said he would try to change but not try as hard. Now that he is actually trying, I think I just got impatient. He's not ambitious like me and that I don't like but maybe this break will change him. It's kind of what i'm hoping for, but if it doesn't then maybe it's good we ended things.

Posted (edited)

I think maybe you did him a favor. Either he is the loser you described him to be, or maybe he needed a kick in the ass to get him moving. As to wasting his time, it sounds like he's got nothing but time on his hands. As far as wasting his money, that's really the problem, isn't it? Mr. College Grad should be able to eat the cost of a night's stay at the local Palacio de la Cucaracha without a problem. He didn't think enough of you to take you to The Hilton, did he?

 

You'll know which of the two people he is by his actions. If he sits around, all hurty and whiny and doesn't do anything to address your complaints, then you'll know he's got that big letter L permanently painted on his forehead. Then you have nothing more to do with him, don't worry about making him feel bad.

 

But if he takes some steps to change his life, and he comes by to tell you about them, like a cat who proudly brings a dead bird home and shows it to you, in that case, you can apologize for making him feel bad, but DO NOT APOLOGIZE for the things you said.

 

I hope that helps.

Edited by mightycpa
  • 4 months later...
  • Author
Posted

A couple months ago I posted here because I broke up with my boyfriend. I said at the time that I regretted it because I just blindsided him. Well it's four months later and I broke up with him again.

 

Last time I broke up with him it only lasted a day because I was so sad that I felt I wanted him back. We got back together but immediately it felt wrong. I let it slide. He was already changing after all. He finally got a job after 3 years of being together but then something happened. We started spending less time together and for some reason I didn't mind it so much. Sometimes it bugged me but other times I was happy we weren't seeing each other as much.

 

On our last date together. I felt so strange with him. I didn't want him to touch me or kiss me. It just felt wrong. I felt like I had not fully been happy with him for awhile and that I was just pretending. Ever since a pregnancy scare that I had my perception of our relationship changed. I suddenly wasn't sure if this was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to be the father of my kids. Even so, I tried to repress those feelings because I still loved him, but my body couldn't. Every time we tried to have sex, my body rejected him.

 

I finally decided to listen to my body back in January but the pain I felt by letting him go convinced me to return.

 

Well now in May I broke his heart again. I felt terrible. He begged me to come back and to give him another chance, but I turned him down. I knew that if I went back with him I would probably break his heart again. I had to tell him I was no longer in love with him event though I still feel like I might be a little bit, just not like before. Now it's been days and I'm really sad. I miss him a lot, but I know I made the right decision.

 

I just wanted someone to hear me. It hurts to break up with someone you love. I did it because I didn't a future with him, but now the guilt is consuming me. I led him on for too long. How I wish I would had broken up with him sooner. I miss him a lot and I fear I might go back with him because of the pain. I am really trying to hold on.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hi friend,

 

Three key points:

 

- Don't give hope where there's none (you'll hurt others by doing it).

- If you feel you don't love him in a romantic way, then you must let him go. Avoid any contact with him (strict NC). Let him move on with his life, so he can find the match for him.

- Never play stupid games with people, nor use them as safety nets.

  • Like 2
Posted

You still have feelings for the person you wish he was, not who he truly is - hence why you can feel this strongly when away from him, but totally different when with him. You do want someone in your life, someone to share it with, but it's not him. You know that deep down. The fact he's the only guy in your life means you connect that need and desire to him. You need to take some time away from him and even other guys and go find your inner happiness. One of the worse things we humans do is believe that our happiness comes from others. It doesn't. It comes from ourselves first and then we share it with others. Linking your happiness to someone else only means you end up like you are now, desperate for that happiness back and believing it can only come from having someone in your life.

  • Like 2
Posted

You have a form of buyer's remorse. You wanted something but after you buy it you're like meh, why did I buy this?

 

 

You know in your bones that he's not the one for you. Yet, there were good times & you are a nice person so you don't like that's he's hurting. That is no reason to go back. You will only leave again because you are not into him.

 

 

Leave him be & you will get past this. Trying to go backwards will only cause more problems.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone! This really helps me. I think I do need time for myself, just to figure myself out. You are right that I shouldn't go back just because I'm sad. I know that I will happy again and this time with only me. It's still hard and I am avoiding talking to him because it would only hurt both of us more.

Posted

You are going to miss him for a bit, but you will get used to it. I think you are just missing him because you spent so much time with him. Its for the best, to take some space. It isnt fair to him to give him hope and then take it away and it isnt fair to you to settle with someone you do not love. Take some time to think about what it is you want in a partner and then you can make a decision on a clear head:)

  • Author
Posted

Thanks so much for your advice. I do miss him a lot. We hung out so much and went to so many different places. Now all of those things remind me of him. I'm actually afraid I will cave and go back to him because of nostalgia. I have been avoiding facebook just to not see anything about him. I think once I get past the first few weeks it should be easier.

Posted

Wow! That's great that you broke up with him. I know you feel guilty about breaking up with him, but you know it's the right decision. Think of it this way- If you get back together with him, you are standing in the way of a girl who could possibly love him more than you can. If you're dating him, then there is some girl out that that is meant to be with him, that will love him more than you can, who is not able to be with him.

You made the right choice, just wait out the pain, and wait for the right man for you.

Best of luck :) I hope things look up soon!

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