Friend is convinced I'm interested in him as more? Should I end the friendship?

[Northwestern1011]

I have a friend who I met my senior year of college, and we once kissed drunk in a bar early on. I expressed to him that was a mistake, and it didn't happen again. The times we've studied alone together, times I've been drunk with him, all the texts and information we've shared...I've never signaled interest. He got really clingy and weird around graduation, and I told him I wasn't interested (AGAIN), and couldn't be friends if he was like this.

 

We went about a year without speaking. When we reconnected last year, everything seemed fine. We get along fairly well, we have similar upbringings and academic backgrounds, so it's easy to talk and bounce ideas off one another and he's become one of my closest friends. I see him probably once a month (he lives a couple hours away). And a couple times, small "warning lights" have gone off--example a couple months ago he had me drive him to his car (from where I had parked) and then when I went to let him out, he lingered like he hoped he would have this "magic moment". I ignored it. There's been other little things--he'll come up and stay at a friends house...and 3 times now I've discovered that the friend who's he's staying at isn't even in town (so why would you drive hours on a weekend your best friend isn't even home, to sleep in his empty apartment?), etc. I brushed them off.

 

I've NEVER given him mixed signals--I talk about my dating problems with him, I don't touch him, I've even LET HIM MEET AND HANG OUT WITH MEN IM DATING.

 

On New Year's Day, amongst our other usual daily prattle,

I sent him a text thag read quote: "happy new year. Love you man and am so grateful for your friendship every day. I'm glad you're in my life!" No emojis, no nothing. Basically just being grateful for a new year but the same great people.

 

What I didn't know is he read that, and has been brewing over it now for weeks. I saw him on Sunday, and he was sulking--he made us meet up for dinner because he was "so hungry" (I was sick) yet he then moped and wouldn't eat his food, or talk much. I finally asked him yesterday what's wrong, and he gave me this covert reply of he would tell me later.

 

Tonight he calls. He tells me he thinks I'm secretly into him and sending him "all the signs". And that when he read that text on New Years he just "knew in the pit of his stomach to go with his gut". I'm like what are you talking about?

This turned into a 40 minute phone call of me having to console and coddle and convince him I MEAN WHAT I SAY.

I'm now off the phone and angry. Angry because I feel I've never been anything but clear with him. I work full time, and prior to his phone call was studying for an important exam I'm taking in a couple days--I needed the study time. Also, in that cajoling phone call, the guy I HAVE been spending time with fell asleep, so instead of studying and talking to him, I had to reassure someone I don't have feelings.

 

I'm angry and now confused. Should I just end the friendship? Would all men see the same thing in what I've written and done?

Edited January 20, 2016 by Northwestern1011

[TaraMaiden2]

I have said, time and time again on this forum, to the point of making others heartily sick and tired of hearing it:

 

Women are really great at platonic friendships.

On the whole, the vast majority (though not all) are brilliant at platonic stuff.

 

Men really suck at platonic relationships.

On the whole, the vast majority (though not all) are really bad at platonic stuff.

 

The (straight) guys who are good, are few and far between.

Gay guys, rock.

 

Most other guys have an agenda.

It seems your friend has laid his open wide and is making no bones about it.

 

I think you need to write him a letter making it

 

..."absolutely, completely unequivocally clear that there is absolutely NOTHING between us, I have no feelings for you other than being a good friend, I do NOT want to date you, make out or anything else involving anything remotely connected with intimacy.

I am just your friend. Nothing more.You

You are just my friend. Nothing more.

 

If you find it hard to believe, or cannot get your head round it, or cannot accept it, then the friendship is over."

 

 

As it stands, you're going to have to reduce contact with him anyway, and be a bit cooler with him...

[angel.eyes]

#Wishful thinking.

 

There are some guys who you could tell every which way until Sunday that you aren't interested and never will be, and they will grasp at straws to feel they have a chance and hang around convinced that you will eventually"come around to your senses.":rolleyes:

 

Honestly, if the guy you're seeing was waiting for you, I would have cut this guy off after minute, with: I've told you repeatedly that I'm not interested and never will be. Anyway, XYZ is here. I need to spend time with him. Bye.

 

Then focus on your guy and getting ready for your exam. Those should be your priorities at this point, not some guy with a hidden agenda who refuses to accept no for an answer and is trying to guilt you, cajole you, or whatever into dating him even after years of being told you're not interested. Focus on preparing for your exam and doing well on it, not his delusional drama.

[Northwestern1011]

The (straight) guys who are good, are few and far between.

Gay guys, rock.

 

Most other guys have an agenda.

It seems your friend has laid his open wide and is making no bones about it.

 

His desperate attempt to insinuate how I feel almost felt insulting of me as well. as well. Maybe I'm just a little bit too much of a feminist, but this friend is someone I have always up front and direct with. This comment of his on the phone really had that, "oh but you're just a girl, maybe you just don't know what you want, because you're a woman, so I'll help you see the light." Like my opInion and lack of feelings wasn't really valid.

 

After He could hear my anger escalating on the phone, He back pedaled with quote "hoped this wasn't the case, because nothing could possibly work between us because life is taking us in such different directions (this isn't really the case, but even if it was...so WHY MENTION OR SUGGEST I HAVE SECRET FEELINGS on the phone then?) but that "I couldn't ignore the mixed signals with like the heart emojis and stuff you've sent me". I was like, "what are you talking about?"

 

I went back through every text I've ever sent him since I got my phone I use now (back in October). I've sent him a heart eyeball emoji twice--once to describe how beautiful a city I was visiting is, and the second to share how thrilled I was to get enrolled in a class. That's it.

[Toodaloo]

I have said, time and time again on this forum, to the point of making others heartily sick and tired of hearing it:

 

Women are really great at platonic friendships.

On the whole, the vast majority (though not all) are brilliant at platonic stuff.

 

Men really suck at platonic relationships.

On the whole, the vast majority (though not all) are really bad at platonic stuff.

 

The (straight) guys who are good, are few and far between.

Gay guys, rock.

 

Most other guys have an agenda.

It seems your friend has laid his open wide and is making no bones about it.

 

I think you need to write him a letter making it

 

..."absolutely, completely unequivocally clear that there is absolutely NOTHING between us, I have no feelings for you other than being a good friend, I do NOT want to date you, make out or anything else involving anything remotely connected with intimacy.

I am just your friend. Nothing more.You

You are just my friend. Nothing more.

 

If you find it hard to believe, or cannot get your head round it, or cannot accept it, then the friendship is over."

 

 

As it stands, you're going to have to reduce contact with him anyway, and be a bit cooler with him...

 

This except I wouldn't bother with the letter...

 

Once they have it in their heads that is it I am afraid.

 

Cut contact before you get your butt slapped and your boob fondled in a really awkward situation... True story based on real events there.

[Popsicle]

Yes you should end the friendship.

 

Or just start distancing yourself from him.

[road]

His desperate attempt to insinuate how I feel almost felt insulting of me as well. as well. Maybe I'm just a little bit too much of a feminist, but this friend is someone I have always up front and direct with. This comment of his on the phone really had that, "oh but you're just a girl, maybe you just don't know what you want, because you're a woman, so I'll help you see the light." Like my opInion and lack of feelings wasn't really valid.

 

After He could hear my anger escalating on the phone, He back pedaled with quote "hoped this wasn't the case, because nothing could possibly work between us because life is taking us in such different directions (this isn't really the case, but even if it was...so WHY MENTION OR SUGGEST I HAVE SECRET FEELINGS on the phone then?) but that "I couldn't ignore the mixed signals with like the heart emojis and stuff you've sent me". I was like, "what are you talking about?"

 

I went back through every text I've ever sent him since I got my phone I use now (back in October). I've sent him a heart eyeball emoji twice--once to describe how beautiful a city I was visiting is, and the second to share how thrilled I was to get enrolled in a class. That's it.

 

 

Men can not be friends with woman

He showed you with that kiss that he wants the whole loaf. Being drunk did not matter to him.

 

 

You texted him using the "love" word.

I have friends that have moved far away and neither one of us has driven hours to go visit. We just let the friendship die because LDF are to hard to maintain.

 

 

You allowed him to go on dates with you. You may see it as having something to eat. He saw it as diner in a restaurant sitting at a table for 2.

 

 

Men have heard where sometimes a woman at first was not attracted then changed how they saw the man. I have heard and read this as well.

 

 

So you kept him your orbit allowing him the chance to think maybe this can happen with the both of you.

 

 

YOU LEAD HIM ON. Because you knew how he felt. Yet you kept him close.

 

 

News Flash News Flash News Flash News Flash News Flash News Flash:

 

 

You knew what he was after from the first kiss.

 

 

You know that men will use the friend angle patiently to get into a woman's heart.

 

 

You liked having your ego stroked keeping him in orbit drooling from afar.

 

 

However soon as he tried to come in to land from the orbit that you placed him in then you get mad at him. You have got some pair.

 

 

Let this be a lesson to all woman that they can not be friends with men. Specially when the man shows romantic interest as did the OP's male friend did.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

 

Let this be a lesson to all woman that they can not be friends with men. Specially when the man shows romantic interest as did the OP's male friend did.

I think your entire post was right on the money except perhaps this last bit. I would rephrase/recharacterize it as: Women cannot be friends with men that have shown romantic interest in them. OP: I'd venture a guess that you know this already...

[Northwestern1011]

Men can not be friends with woman

He showed you with that kiss that he wants the whole loaf. Being drunk did not matter to him.

 

 

You texted him using the "love" word.

I have friends that have moved far away and neither one of us has driven hours to go visit. We just let the friendship die because LDF are to hard to maintain.

 

 

You allowed him to go on dates with you. You may see it as having something to eat. He saw it as diner in a restaurant sitting at a table for 2.

 

 

Men have heard where sometimes a woman at first was not attracted then changed how they saw the man. I have heard and read this as well.

 

 

So you kept him your orbit allowing him the chance to think maybe this can happen with the both of you.

 

 

YOU LEAD HIM ON. Because you knew how he felt. Yet you kept him close.

 

 

News Flash News Flash News Flash News Flash News Flash News Flash:

 

 

You knew what he was after from the first kiss.

 

 

You know that men will use the friend angle patiently to get into a woman's heart.

 

 

You liked having your ego stroked keeping him in orbit drooling from afar.

 

 

However soon as he tried to come in to land from the orbit that you placed him in then you get mad at him. You have got some pair.

 

 

Let this be a lesson to all woman that they can not be friends with men. Specially when the man shows romantic interest as did the OP's male friend did.

Actually, I think it's attitudes like this that keep this myth/stigma alive and well. The whole misogynistic "oh well you were friends with him, that's basically telling him you want to have his babies. How DARE you refuse his advances?!" Doesn't work like that. I believe men and women CAN be friends. That's why situations like these frustrate me so much. I have another friend who got friendzoned in college--he's great. He goes on dates with women, he asks me for dating advice, we hang out, etc. there's no hidden meaning below the surface.

 

And just to clarify--I did not go on "DATES" with this guy. I hang out with him. I pay my own way. I don't let him pick me up, they're beyond NOT dates. I do this while single or seeing someone, the same as I do with any other friend make or female--because they're not dates. Why would I go on dates with someone I'm not interested in, and have told so repeatedly?

 

The only kiss that ever happened was about a month after I met him, so it was years ago. For anyone who's wondering, even though I was drunk (oh by the way, he was sober) it was a TERRIBLE kiss.

When we went a A YEAR without contact, after I told him off, and I figured it had passed.

 

And I've been on the receiving end of this conversation (except, with a couple guys that actively SENT mixed signals), and when he said "not interested" my response wasn't "oh are you sure? You don't really mean that!" It was to take them at face value and either move on or understand our friendship would never turn romantic.

[TaraMaiden2]

^^Yes, agreed, it's utter BS. And just more evidence that guys read into situations what they want to read, not what you actually mean....

[BlueIris]

I understand that we tell our girlfriends that we love them and it doesn’t mean we want a sexual or romantic relationship with them. But enough men think the way road described above that we just can’t go there with some male friends. Some guys just believe that- to their core!- and you can’t change it.

 

One of my best friends in college was a man and so I get that men and women can be close friends without it going to sex or romance, even for some men.

 

I also understand your anger and frustration about his thinking that he knows what you feel and what you “secretly” want better than you do. He’s the one who is not comprehending, not you. People who insist that they know what you think and feel better than you do don’t make for good friends or good boyfriends and husbands anyway.

 

I think you should distance yourself from him and explain to him that while you hate to end the friendship, the difference of opinion on this issue has made the friendship impossible.

[jen1447]

IMO the dignified thing to do here is first, don't ghost, and second, establish very clear boundaries, overtly and explicitly, and explain that the friendship only continues with the boundaries observed. (I realize you've already done some of this.) Get an explicit acknowledgement from him, and if he can't or doesn't give it, then inform him that there's no basis for friendship due to his misconstruing the fundamentals and stop being his friend. Don't slowly fade away or be randomly unavailable to him or anything like that - you're a grown woman and this isn't high school so treat him like a grown man. He has to own the situation one way or another, and either he gets onboard w/reality or you can't be friends, period.

 

Remember that what's between you isn't a relationship so you don't owe him the same things you might owe a BF on the way out or that sort of thing. You don't have to care for his heart bc it was never your responsibility to begin with.

[angel.eyes]

OP, it's definitely possible to have male platonic friends. My closest friends in grad school were male. Additionally, I remain in contact with a number of male friends from undergrad and grad school. We periodically meet 1-on-1 over dinner, lunch, breakfast, go to the movies, etc. as I do with any female friend. Many are now married and getting started on their families.

 

Out of curiosity, has this guy ever dated anyone? If he hasn't and he's just hanging around year after year hoping you finally see the light, that's concerning. I agree that anyone who feels they know better than you who you should date (namely them) is not someone you want as a boyfriend! For starters, he doesn't respect your intellect or your judgment. Not to mention, that what he wants matters more than your feelings and wishes.

 

Is this even the type of person you want as a friend??? Someone who can't respect your choices and your ability to choose for yourself? He seems to bring unnecessary stress to your life to the detriment of other aspects of your life...namely time spent with your current guy and doing well on your exam.

 

Time to cut him off IMO.

[Northwestern1011]

Out of curiosity, has this guy ever dated anyone? If he hasn't and he's just hanging around year after year hoping you finally see the light, that's concerning. I agree that anyone who feels they know better than you who you should date (namely them) is not someone you want as a boyfriend! For starters, he doesn't respect your intellect or your judgment. Not to mention, that what he wants matters more than your feelings and wishes.

 

Now that you mention this: no. I know before I met him, he allegedly dated a girl, but never asked her to be exclusive (yet, he treated her like they were exclusive), then they went on a trip together and he flipped out when he couldn't contact her one night of the trip while she was catching up with friends (solo), decided to call and text her incessantly, and basically scared her away. Since then he hasn't dated.

I've encouraged him to install tinder or try OLD and at least go on a date here or there. He refuses. Which makes no sense, because he lives in one of the 20 largest cities in the country, and there's plenty of girls to choose from there.

 

He works full time, but doesn't have many friends in the area, nor is he in grad school, so there's no reason for him not to try to go on dates.

 

I don't know if it's been because he's holding a candle for me or what. But I feel like if he went on dates to get a basis of experience, it would help him.

 

Oh yeah, there was also the part of the phone call where he announced to me that he "was getting such a gut feeling" about my New Years text he actually took it to his boss and best friend and showed both of them, and they "encouraged him to get to the bottom of it." That felt weirdly violating.

[TaraMaiden2]

Now that you mention this: no. I know before I met him, he allegedly dated a girl, but never asked her to be exclusive (yet, he treated her like they were exclusive), then they went on a trip together and he flipped out when he couldn't contact her one night of the trip while she was catching up with friends (solo), decided to call and text her incessantly, and basically scared her away. Since then he hasn't dated.

I've encouraged him to install tinder or try OLD and at least go on a date here or there. He refuses. Which makes no sense, because he lives in one of the 20 largest cities in the country, and there's plenty of girls to choose from there.

 

He works full time, but doesn't have many friends in the area, nor is he in grad school, so there's no reason for him not to try to go on dates.

 

I don't know if it's been because he's holding a candle for me or what. But I feel like if he went on dates to get a basis of experience, it would help him.

 

Oh yeah, there was also the part of the phone call where he announced to me that he "was getting such a gut feeling" about my New Years text he actually took it to his boss and best friend and showed both of them, and they "encouraged him to get to the bottom of it." That felt weirdly violating.

 

Ok, don't know how you feel about this... How about telling him you sent the same exact text message to a girl friend, too, do they all want to get to the bottom of that?

 

In brief, it was a slightly tipsy,. heartfelt message to two very dear people.

 

But you hold him in the same kind of consideration as you do her...

 

Up to you.

But something's got to get through that infatuated la-la-land skull of his......

[preraph]

There was a surprising study done a couple years ago that found that the more attracted the man was to a woman, the more convinced he was that she was attracted to him back. And no correlation at all between what they thought and the men thought...

 

You're going to have to get rid of this guy or he's going to sabotage you in relationships one of these days and keep you from finding the right guy. He's delusionary anyway. The longer you keep him around, the harder to make him go away. He can't be friends with you. He's going home and masturbating every time you meet or make contact and in his mind, there's something going on.

[Northwestern1011]

There was a surprising study done a couple years ago that found that the more attracted the man was to a woman, the more convinced he was that she was attracted to him back. And no correlation at all between what they thought and the men thought...

 

You're going to have to get rid of this guy or he's going to sabotage you in relationships one of these days and keep you from finding the right guy. He's delusionary anyway. The longer you keep him around, the harder to make him go away. He can't be friends with you. He's going home and masturbating every time you meet or make contact and in his mind, there's something going on.

 

I've actually worried about this. We're not friends on Facebook, and honestly, even though we talk daily, something has always kept me from sending him a Facebook friend request. Maybe I'm just a really paranoid untrusting person, but I've always been slightly afraid he would go "investigating" men I add/date/he doesn't know. And you never know what he might say to them.

 

 

Oh and I sent the same New Years text to two of my other close friends--one male and one female. I told him this. That didn't seem to sway him because he "had to go with his gut here".

 

Today I asked my other male friend who I sent the text to if I somehow led him on with that text. He's like "no, I didn't even get that from it. You can say love and mean it non romantically. Romantic love is not all love."

 

I had s migraine all day following the showdown late last night. I told the friend on the phone last night, "why do you have to do this? I would give you a kidney if you needed one. Is that not s enough? Why do you do this? Why do you want more?"

[TaraMaiden2]

....

I had s migraine all day following the showdown late last night. I told the friend on the phone last night, "why do you have to do this? I would give you a kidney if you needed one. Is that not s enough? Why do you do this? Why do you want more?"

I'm not sure that was a wise question...

If you told him you'd give him a kidney, that (in his mind) is sufficient for him to think you'd 'take a bullet for him'.

 

Really, you need to quit questioning his motives and rationale, and simply distance yourself, and protect yourself from further anxiety.

 

A migraine is not a good thing to have to contend with, and if he's having THAT effect - hmmm....

[joystickd]

I have a friend who I met my senior year of college, and we once kissed drunk in a bar early on. I expressed to him that was a mistake, and it didn't happen again. The times we've studied alone together, times I've been drunk with him, all the texts and information we've shared...I've never signaled interest. He got really clingy and weird around graduation, and I told him I wasn't interested (AGAIN), and couldn't be friends if he was like this.

 

This is the problem. You saw this red flag from the beginning and didn't cut ties then. You kissed and whether or not it was a mistake was an indicator to him that something was there. You shouldn't have pursued a friendship with a man after you kissed him.

[Northwestern1011]

This is the problem. You saw this red flag from the beginning and didn't cut ties then. You kissed and whether or not it was a mistake was an indicator to him that something was there. You shouldn't have pursued a friendship with a man after you kissed him.

 

I don't agree with this at all. Again, another "if any form of contact occurs, everybody is gonna catch the feelings." Not true. At all. I believe it's COMPLETELY possible to be friends with someone you maybe once casually dated, or a platonic friend that got kissed once while drunk--it doesn't mean you're madly in love with them. Feelings pass. I have men I dated who unless I hate them, I'm completely capable of being friends with. Physical intimacy does not equal emotional intimacy or vice a Versa. And especially not in the case of a FRIEND and ONLY FRIEND who I only kissed once!

 

He sent me a text last night (testing the waters) thanking me for "all my listening" the other night, and wishing me luck on my test today (ironic, because he's the one who decreased my study time and kept me up late into the night, precipitating a migraine). It would seem sweet if I didn't know what I know. As it is, I feel a little grossed out and almost cringe--the only reason he's pretended to be my friend, or "care" all along is hoping one day I'll change my mind. That's not a friendship. That's actually creepy.

 

Now that my exam's over, I'll probably near copy paste what you wrote to express to him in the first reply Tara, and get MORE than distance.

[preraph]

I've actually worried about this. We're not friends on Facebook, and honestly, even though we talk daily, something has always kept me from sending him a Facebook friend request. Maybe I'm just a really paranoid untrusting person, but I've always been slightly afraid he would go "investigating" men I add/date/he doesn't know. And you never know what he might say to them.

 

 

Oh and I sent the same New Years text to two of my other close friends--one male and one female. I told him this. That didn't seem to sway him because he "had to go with his gut here".

 

Today I asked my other male friend who I sent the text to if I somehow led him on with that text. He's like "no, I didn't even get that from it. You can say love and mean it non romantically. Romantic love is not all love."

 

I had s migraine all day following the showdown late last night. I told the friend on the phone last night, "why do you have to do this? I would give you a kidney if you needed one. Is that not s enough? Why do you do this? Why do you want more?"

 

Listen, this isn't a cliche. The best profilers will all tell you this. You need to follow your instincts, and you have very good ones on this guy. You instinctively sense danger, and you are right. His type is not healthy. It is delusional and stalkerish. You must remember this: The longer you maintain any contact with him, the more invested he will become and the harder it will be to get rid of him. This can turn very ugly. You need to block him and avoid him and if he gets pushy, put it in writing you want no further contact (or have an attorney do it). I promise you, he is a certain type and it's not really safe to let him hang on to any shred of hope.

 

His type actually falls into one of the categories of types of rapists as well, the type who believes they have a relationship. He already isn't listening to what you say. So you need to use blocking and no contact and stop saying anything to him or seeing him.

Edited January 22, 2016 by preraph

[Northwestern1011]

Listen, this isn't a cliche. The best profilers will all tell you this. You need to follow your instincts, and you have very good ones on this guy. You instinctively sense danger, and you are right. His type is not healthy. It is delusional and stalkerish. You must remember this: The longer you maintain any contact with him, the more invested he will become and the harder it will be to get rid of him. This can turn very ugly. You need to block him and avoid him and if he gets pushy, put it in writing you want no further contact (or have an attorney do it). I promise you, he is a certain type and it's not really safe to let him hang on to any shred of hope.

 

His type actually falls into one of the categories of types of rapists as well, the type who believes they have a relationship. He already isn't listening to what you say. So you need to use blocking and no contact and stop saying anything to him or seeing him.

 

I took this post to heart, so thank you everyone for your advice.

 

 

As an ending to the story: I meant to send him a clarifying/our friendship is done text that week, but I ended up not doing so until this week (bad of me). I'd not contacted him and basically forgotten all about it.

Until I got a text on Tuesday "hey (my name), I'm going to be in town this weekend if you want to catch up/reconcile. Let me know. If not that's okay."

 

Disregard the "that's okay" at the end (it never is with him, it would be more "why can't you see me?" Pout pout pout wounded soul). I was a little appalled he'd text me asking if I wanted to "reconcile"...reconcile an argument and fight that he basically caused, now I feel like because he thought we could 'bond' over making up from it.

 

So I texted him and told him quote: "Hey, I don't want to, actually. I did a lot of thinking after our phone call. And I must say, what you mentioned about me "sending you emojis and mixed signals" was a total lie--I went back through every text I've ever sent you and i sent you two heart eye emojis ever. That's . Additionally, I consulted the other guy I sent the same New Years text to, and he also wasnt mislead by it. I have never led you on, I have never sent you mixed signals, and I have never been anything but up front with you. I don't think our friendship is beneficial for you or anything but painful. For that reason, I don't think we can be friends. Know that I wish you all the best."

 

I've never had to actually "end" a friendship. It's sad, but I think my message to him should be crystal clear.