smackie9 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 FWIW, I don't think he was just after sex. Like I said, he *was* into you, but feelings can change on a dime in those very very early stages ....and the fact you hardly gave him a chance to catch his breath after the date was just TOO MUCH too soon. I know you said the first date with your previous boyfriend was intense too ...but not all guys respond to that type of intensity the same .....many men will pull back "just a bit" after that ...but there you go sending him text after text when he gave you every indication he needed to catch his breath! We all feel anxious in the beginning, but you need to learn to contain that anxiety or you're gonna have many men running. Follow his lead! Like I said, after the date, text ONCE, then wait for him to text back. If you receive a cold response, then leave it!!! Just cause you're panicked, which frankly after one date is ridiculous, doesn't mean you continue texting away (in an attempt to seek reassurance). That is s TURN OFF ....which IMO is precisely what happened here. So don't be mad at him just cause he got turned off (after the date) and lost interest. If you should be mad at anyone, it's yourself for allowing your anxieties to get the best of you and coming off too strong .....too soon. Learn from this .....and just move on. If you hear from again, which you might, relax and slow down. I agree with this too. You acted bat sh it crazy on a guy that you just met. It's not uncommon not to hear from them again until they ask you out for a second date. Stop texting him when you know he is at work. You are not teenagers, you are adults.
SwordofFlame Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Did he try to escalate it all the way to having sex? If so, I think he got turned off because you two didn't actually have sex after going back to your place. If you don't want to have sex with him, you should have never invited him back to your place. He got left with blue balls and probably thinks you're just a tease. I'm not saying he was just looking for sex initially, but that may have changed once you invited him back to your place.
Author hellbent Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 Did he try to escalate it all the way to having sex? If so, I think he got turned off because you two didn't actually have sex after going back to your place. If you don't want to have sex with him, you should have never invited him back to your place. He got left with blue balls and probably thinks you're just a tease. I'm not saying he was just looking for sex initially, but that may have changed once you invited him back to your place. Yes, I think he wanted to to at least thenext morning he was somewhat alluding to it. But i kept saying i wasnt going to. He still was supposed to leave( to let his roomate who was locked out-i heard the call) in at 3pm but stayed until 5 knowing we werent going to have sex. We mostly hung out of my roof outside all night and then petting the rest of night and we fell asleep. In my experience if someone wants sex and They realize im not going to they usually leave that night. He was pretty aware I wasnt going to although he did keep mentioning how "excited" he was. He kept clothes/pajamas on and so did I. Maybe he was just making a day of it, enjoying making out and such. I dont think my texts were exactly bat**** crazy. He texted everyday during work for two weeks and then layed in bed all day with me with heavy touching and then went basically silent. No one wants to experience that. I did panic and had no finesse with handling the situation but it wasnt adding up to me.
katiegrl Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 **Did he try to escalate it all the way to having sex?*** If so, I think he got turned off because you two didn't actually have sex after going back to your place. If you don't want to have sex with him, you should have never invited him back to your place. He got left with blue balls and probably thinks you're just a tease. I'm not saying he was just looking for sex initially, but that may have changed once you invited him back to your place. OP said in her first post that no he did not push for sex. There was lots of cuddling, backrubs, stomach rubs, but he did not initiate sex .. I suppose he may have been waiting for her to ...but IMO had she played her cards right after the date, and not acted like a first-class clinger..... he would have initiated a second date ....and allowed this thing to play out naturally and gradually ...including sex. 1
Author hellbent Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 OP said in her first post that no he did not push for sex. There was lots of cuddling, backrubs, stomach rubs, but he did not initiate sex .. I suppose he may have been waiting for her to ...but IMO had she played her cards right after the date, and not acted like a first-class clinger..... he would have initiated a second date ....and allowed this thing to play out naturally and gradually ...including sex. I mean i texted later after he left that it was really fun and id want to hang again. He didnt respond until the next day and didnt acknowledge that he would want to hang out again. Its a vulnerable spot to be in and after a week with no future plans it threw me off. A decline in communication after hanging out would worry anyone i think. Even if space was needed i think a week of basically no texts seems weird and a sign hes not interested. Before that last text I had only texted twice in a week. Once to say it was fun and another about how good the biting/cuddling felt as i thiught maybe he needed reassurance that i liked it. Ive also never had someone not ask for a second date within the first day so it all seemed weird/off. Maybe we needed to take a step back but sending two texts in a week shouldnt make the whole thing collapse.
katiegrl Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 I mean i texted later after he left that it was really fun and id want to hang again. He didnt respond until the next day and didnt acknowledge that he would want to hang out again. Its a vulnerable spot to be in and after a week with no future plans it threw me off. A decline in communication after hanging out would worry anyone i think. Even if space was needed i think a week of basically no texts seems weird and a sign hes not interested. Before that last text I had only texted twice in a week. Once to say it was fun and another about how good the biting/cuddling felt as i thiught maybe he needed reassurance that i liked it. Ive also never had someone not ask for a second date within the first day so it all seemed weird/off. Maybe we needed to take a step back but sending two texts in a week shouldnt make the whole thing collapse. Yes it would cause anyone to worry and feel anxious ....no one is faulting you for that. And I think your first text was fine! But he did not respond till next day ....and his message was cold. At that point you leave it...you should not continue texting just cause you're worried or feel anxious and panicked as you admitted earlier. Go for a run or something, or do yoga to alleviate your anxiety....don't burden him with it.....it's a turn off, especially after only one date. Who knows what he was thinking, perhaps he did only want sex .... it's hard to say. Ya just gotta take these early dates with a grain of salt......anything can happen. Try not to allow yourself to get too invested. 4
angel.eyes Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 That is still so strange to me as his interest during the initial two weeks was consistent and enthused and our hang out was great(well to me it was). We had sent pictures so no suprise there, we looked at each other on social media, we know alot of the same people and to me all seemed consistent with someone really liking me. I guess taking I will start taking it slower is the solution here. People lose attention so fast these days I thought this would stand out from other dates. The clock resets completely when you actually meet in person. People are never quite what you envision from emails, texts, chats, and photos (no matter how accurate). You built up a fantasy over the two weeks of exchanges and ran with it when you finally met him for the date. It sounds as if he may have been swept along for the ride since you mentioned in another post that you "talked ALOT." Did you learn anything about him or was the date all about you and your assumptions? It seems things turning into a relationship was a foregone conclusion as far as you were concerned. Once he had a chance to reflect, he felt otherwise. It happens. Either person is perfectly within their right to walk away after a first date. There is no commitment to a second date or more when you agree to meet someone for a first date. 2
smackie9 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Rule of thumb.....if you share a bed it should be with the intention of sex....not being or making someone a cuddle bi tch. You are not 16, don't cuddle in bed with some dude leaving him with blue balls. Keep your dates out of the flat until sex is on the menu. 2
Author hellbent Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 The clock resets completely when you actually meet in person. People are never quite what you envision from emails, texts, chats, and photos (no matter how accurate). You built up a fantasy over the two weeks of exchanges and ran with it when you finally met him for the date. It sounds as if he may have been swept along for the ride since you mentioned in another post that you "talked ALOT." Did you learn anything about him or was the date all about you and your assumptions? It seems things turning into a relationship was a foregone conclusion as far as you were concerned. Once he had a chance to reflect, he felt otherwise. It happens. Either person is perfectly within their right to walk away after a first date. There is no commitment to a second date or more when you agree to meet someone for a first date. I feel like walking away is fair, I got angry i guess when I felt he was disappearing without explaining. Some would say an explanation isnt needed but I do feel it is after how into me he appeared in bed. And i was caught up since he was making it sound like we would for sure like each other. So i thought it was a no brainer. But yea you really dont know how youll feel around someone until you meet. I was talking alot, as in i kept asking him questions about everything, his tattooes, his job, his travels, I feel like I was asking a million questions sometimes very personal things but it at the time seemed flirty and like we were connecting. Although it could have again just been too much too soon
angel.eyes Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 His cold, delayed response to your text about how much you enjoyed the date was feedback about where he stood. Couple that with the fact that he didn't ask you for a second date. I'm not going to dissect what you did on the date itself. You have to be you on a date. The right guy will love it. Other guys will be turned off. Where you fell down was in the aftermath of the date. His first response gave you all the information you needed. Live and learn! Now, take your cute, bubbly self and move on to the next. 1
hippychick3 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 OP, I don't think your texts afterward had anything to do with him losing interest. Given his absence after your date and the fact he didn't suggest a second date at the end of such a long first date makes me believe he knew he wasn't interested by the end of your date...or he was unsure until he got home and thought about everything. It was too much too soon and/or he wasn't really feeling it on the date despite his affection and physical attraction. 1
Imajerk17 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) This basically sounds to me as all too much too soon. I mean, dating relationships are either moving forward or they fizzle out, and so you tend to leave from such an intense outing on your way to becoming a couple, or nothing. There's quite the possibility that he was into you in the moment, but then by the time he left, he got skeered about how fast things were going or something. (Yes I agree w angle.eyes, the clock is completely reset when you meet in person. It's quite possible that before the two of you met in person, he was going by a fantasy of you before that no mortal woman could have possibly lived up to. I don't think your communication after "blew" anything though. I actually think this guy should have manned up and been more straightforward with you about how he was feeling after the date, and should have given you the respect of a straight answer instead of doing this fade.) I'm also confused--isn't Tinder a hook-up site. I mean, I think there are a lot of first dates that are ONS (but no second dates) than there are relationships. So maybe you might want to slow your roll OP, and if you are looking for love, reconsider your use of Tinder? Edited January 20, 2016 by Imajerk17 1
joseb Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 While I think there is a lot of validity in all the posts saying to slow down a bit and maybe you smothered it, I still stand by my original feeling that he was expecting sex and left disappointed. I've lost count of the number of girls who said stuff like "come in but were not having sex" and later were pretty much forcing it! He may have been hoping to "wear you down" by staying so long. In any case, yeah don't invite guys back on a first date, and keep away from discussing absolutely everything, it's too much too soon. As someone else said, it's not about playing games, it's about keeping a bit of intrigue. 1
strawberryshortstack Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Hey all, this is my first post here. I'm in my mid twenties just had a date that I am so confused by and any insight into ANY of this guy's actions is appreciated. I am mostly afraid of this happening again with someone else. We met on tinder and he pretty quickly asked for my number and, he was pretty insistent from the get go that he was interested in meeting. He is 29 and we live in a city where most people go out drinking for their first dates. He wanted to meet up the second day of talking (New years eve) but we never got around to meeting up as we both had plans. Over the next two weeks we talked daily and he kept saying he wanted to meet many times in conversation (but said he didn't want to seem pushy). I liked him back so it wasn't pushy to me I liked it! I asked what if we didnt like each other and he said "how different can face to face be i think we will like each other". All signs seemed good so far and he expressed excitement which got me excited to meet. We finally met up at a bar and maybe 20 minutes in he took off work for the next day (so we could hang out more). I invited him back to my house, we hung out all night and all the next day. He said he only had one other tinder meetup a year ago but he wasn't into her. He wasnt particularly pushy, he layed in my lap when i said it was ok to while i played with his hair, we made out a little bit and talked mostly then went to bed (slept) next to one another. We never did anything sexual but the next morning he was holding me all day, and was very touchy which i enjoyed. I felt a real connection here. The last time I felt this way was with my ex years ago on our first date. He fell asleep with his face in mine, we made out alot, gave backrubs and belly rubs, little love bites and it was all really fun and he was beaming the whole time, as was I. His roomate called and needed him to bring him keys at 3pm but he stayed until 5pm. When he was leaving we made out again and he was on his way at 5pm. The whole time his face was beaming and I just assumed we liked each other and things would progress smoothly. NOW FOR WHAT I DONT UNDERSTAND. I texted about 4 hours later saying "that was really fun and I would like to hang out more" with no response until the next day "I just got your text my phone is dumb". With no reassurance that he wanted to hang again I panicked a little. I texted again about how good it felt with him grabbing me and biting me in bed and he responded 3 hours later "im at ****ty work right now" and then a few hours later told me about how busy work would be that week. Silence for two days then I asked at 9am on friday if he wanted to hang that weekend. By 3 he hadn't responded so I sent a text saying his actions were annoying and I was really excited about someone for the first time in forever but he was ghosting me. He responded right away saying he just checked his phone and has been swamped with work and "im sorry". WHAT GIVES?? I have no idea what went wrong. Maybe I am naive? I haven't liked anyone in ages and this is very dissapointing. Mostly I am afraid of this happening again. Any advice about any of this story is helpful. Thanks! seems "too much, too soon" to me.
Author hellbent Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 While I think there is a lot of validity in all the posts saying to slow down a bit and maybe you smothered it, I still stand by my original feeling that he was expecting sex and left disappointed. I've lost count of the number of girls who said stuff like "come in but were not having sex" and later were pretty much forcing it! He may have been hoping to "wear you down" by staying so long. In any case, yeah don't invite guys back on a first date, and keep away from discussing absolutely everything, it's too much too soon. As someone else said, it's not about playing games, it's about keeping a bit of intrigue. Yea, The more i think about it the more I realize that amazing time and connection I felt might not have been the same on his end. He might have been beamig the whole time because he thought he waa going to have sex aha. Id like to belive that his disappearance is due to maybe being scared off a little and that hed readh out again, but Im thinking more and more he just was along for the ride thinking he would get sex. Hes been really active on tinder frequently so he cant be too worried about it like I was.
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