First Post. What on earth happened on this first date?

[hellbent]

Hey all, this is my first post here. I'm in my mid twenties just had a date that I am so confused by and any insight into ANY of this guy's actions is appreciated. I am mostly afraid of this happening again with someone else. We met on tinder and he pretty quickly asked for my number and, he was pretty insistent from the get go that he was interested in meeting. He is 29 and we live in a city where most people go out drinking for their first dates. He wanted to meet up the second day of talking (New years eve) but we never got around to meeting up as we both had plans.

 

Over the next two weeks we talked daily and he kept saying he wanted to meet many times in conversation (but said he didn't want to seem pushy). I liked him back so it wasn't pushy to me I liked it! I asked what if we didnt like each other and he said "how different can face to face be i think we will like each other". All signs seemed good so far and he expressed excitement which got me excited to meet. We finally met up at a bar and maybe 20 minutes in he took off work for the next day (so we could hang out more).

 

I invited him back to my house, we hung out all night and all the next day. He said he only had one other tinder meetup a year ago but he wasn't into her. He wasnt particularly pushy, he layed in my lap when i said it was ok to while i played with his hair, we made out a little bit and talked mostly then went to bed (slept) next to one another. We never did anything sexual but the next morning he was holding me all day, and was very touchy which i enjoyed. I felt a real connection here. The last time I felt this way was with my ex years ago on our first date. He fell asleep with his face in mine, we made out alot, gave backrubs and belly rubs, little love bites and it was all really fun and he was beaming the whole time, as was I. His roomate called and needed him to bring him keys at 3pm but he stayed until 5pm. When he was leaving we made out again and he was on his way at 5pm.

 

The whole time his face was beaming and I just assumed we liked each other and things would progress smoothly. NOW FOR WHAT I DONT UNDERSTAND. I texted about 4 hours later saying "that was really fun and I would like to hang out more" with no response until the next day "I just got your text my phone is dumb". With no reassurance that he wanted to hang again I panicked a little. I texted again about how good it felt with him grabbing me and biting me in bed and he responded 3 hours later "im at ****ty work right now" and then a few hours later told me about how busy work would be that week. Silence for two days then I asked at 9am on friday if he wanted to hang that weekend. By 3 he hadn't responded so I sent a text saying his actions were annoying and I was really excited about someone for the first time in forever but he was ghosting me. He responded right away saying he just checked his phone and has been swamped with work and "im sorry".

 

WHAT GIVES?? I have no idea what went wrong. Maybe I am naive? I haven't liked anyone in ages and this is very dissapointing. Mostly I am afraid of this happening again. Any advice about any of this story is helpful. Thanks!

[angel.eyes]

Most first dates are one and dones. This is par for the course. Sometimes, it may have been a great date, but one or both people decide they aren't interested in moving forward. They don't feel their date was a good match or what they were looking for or some other reason. No biggie at one date. On to the next!

 

The snarky comments about how you really liked him but his behavior and ghosting were pissing you off were counterproductive. What were you hoping to accomplish by telling him off? What was your end goal exactly?

 

I think you became over invested in a stranger you met once. My advice would be to hold off on having expectations and seeing any future with someone until you actually get to know the person a little bit. That's the lesson here.

[hellbent]

Ok. Yes that is fair. I've never had a date where I wasn't asked on a second date (no matter how neutral I felt about the person/how bad the date went) so I was caught off guard when he didn't pursue me further since there was obvious chemistry. I feel that so rarely so I was eager to pursue things further. I agree I was overly invested, I guess i thought it was ok to be since he was so forward in texts. He was excited and so was I so I assumed we would meet and this would just be the next step. I was pretty stressed about this issue all week, so my texts came out of frustration about his silence and I guess that was probably a way to get a response. I think that advice is important though.

[hellbent]

If anyone has thoughts as to why HE was staying all day and making out with me and kissing me on my head and being lovey when he didn't feel that kind of way that would help. I acted that way because it was how I was feeling. But if he wasn't interested why stay all day? Why sleep with his face on mine. Why so intimate? I'm worried someone happily makeout with me all day again while having no intentions of ever seeing me again.

[neowulf]

If anyone has thoughts as to why HE was staying all day and making out with me and kissing me on my head and being lovey when he didn't feel that kind of way that would help. I acted that way because it was how I was feeling. But if he wasn't interested why stay all day? Why sleep with his face on mine. Why so intimate? I'm worried someone happily makeout with me all day again while having no intentions of ever seeing me again.

 

For the same reason people enjoy a nice glass of wine, or a trip to the beach. It made him feel good. That's it.

 

Many man can and will compartmentalise their emotions from the physical component of a relationship.

 

So yes, a man can make out with you all day, make love to you all night, then walk away. That's just how some men are wired.

 

If this bothers you, slow everything down. Take your time. Go a few general dates. Let the relationship "breath". The faster you move, the less likely a guy is to take the time to get to know you.

 

Tinder is primarily about hookups. That's what it was designed for. Don't be surprised if the men you meet of there are only interested in a quick fling. They have hundreds of women to browse through. Try a more traditional dating site if you're seeking a more commited relationship.

Edited January 20, 2016 by neowulf

[Peachland]

Who knows? Maybe he wanted to feel some intimacy with someone but had no interest in it going further.

 

It would probably help to go on dates with a defined beg/end and get to know the guy better over a few dates.

[hippychick3]

Sorry for your disappointment.

 

These situations are why you should always be the one to put the breaks on when a guy is moving too fast too soon. Your first date should not have lasted that long and should not have ended at your house. Even if you're feeling him and he wants to continue the date, you need to slow it down. Don't give him all of yourself (or even most of yourself) so soon. Leave a bit of mystery and leave him wanting for more...which doesn't mean JUST sex.

 

Guys are very good at separating attraction and lust from emotions. They don't become so invested so soon. They are more easily able to go through the physical motions without actually feeling any emotions or attachment.

 

Don't beat yourself up. No guy is worth investing any of your heart until he shows consistency and trustworthiness...not of which can happen after just a date or 2. Move on and don't give him a second thought. And don't chase (don't text him again).

[katiegrl]

I have a different take on this.

 

I think he WAS into you, very into you.... IMO that was obvious given the way you described your first date.

 

But it was a first date, and it was just way way too intense for a first date.

 

Call it too much too soon, afterwards he probably needed to step back a bit to catch his breath.

 

But then you proceeded to text him FOUR times ....you never gave him a chance to breathe!

 

And sorry, not to sound mean, but your last text was just uncalled for ...and sent the whole thing straight over the edge.

 

Next time relax! Make the first date short, a few hours tops... even if HE is pushing for more.

 

And after the date, text once to say you had a great time ....and then wait for him to get back to you.

 

If he responds back with something cool....don't panic...just respond back with something equally cool...follow his lead! Do not panic and do not chase.

 

And again, do not ever lose your cool the way you did...keep things in perspective..... you had one date!

 

Lesson learned....good luck going forward!

Edited January 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Mrin]

I am in agreement with Katie. I also think there is a good chance he met up with someone after you and that drew his attention. Ah well. Live and learn.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have a different take on this.

 

I think he WAS into you, very into you.... IMO that was obvious given the way you described your first date.

 

But it was a first date, and it was just way way too intense for a first date.

 

Call it too much too soon, afterwards he probably needed to step back a bit to catch his breath.

 

But then you proceeded to text him FOUR times ....you never gave him a chance to breathe!

And sorry, not to sound mean, but your last text was just uncalled for ...and sent the whole thing straight over the edge.

 

Next time relax! Make the first date short, a few hours tops... even if HE is pushing for more.

 

And after the date, text once to say you had a great time ....and then wait for him to get back to you.

 

If he responds back with something cool....don't panic...just respond back with something equally cool...follow his lead! Do not panic and do not chase.

 

And again, do not ever lose your cool the way you did...keep things in perspective..... you had one date!

 

Lesson learned....good luck going forward!

 

I agree with this. OP, you met the guy one time.

 

I have a feeling he was looking for sex. He enjoyed the touching, etc but when saw that you weren't going to give it up (and that's perfectly okay not to) he moved on.

 

It's Tinder, after all.

[Leigh 87]

Dear, men can hold your hand, hold you in your sleep and tell you how into you they are.....and can even sleep with the face pressed right next to yours - WITHOUT - having any feelings for you.

 

My old FWB bought me dinner. Shared intimate details. I even drove him to his best mates funeral after one of our diliances.

 

It didn't mean we developed feelings more than chemistry and enjoying a basic friendship.....

 

I've heard so many posters come on here and describe details such as " he held my hand in his head and just stared at me" and " he gazed deeply into my eyes for ages "

 

...... Followed by " and then he just went cold. Why is this happening? He was SO into me"

 

I was that girl many times over.

[joseb]

I agree with this. OP, you met the guy one time.

 

I have a feeling he was looking for sex. He enjoyed the touching, etc but when saw that you weren't going to give it up (and that's perfectly okay not to) he moved on.

 

That was my first thought as well. He took the day off when he felt there was a chance of a roll in the hay. When it didn't happen for whatever reason, he either lost interest or went with tinder plan B (and I very much doubt his line about only meeting one other person on tinder, given how pushy he was to meet up)

[Terry8889]

Sounds like the guy just wanted some sex that night. You didn't make a move to go second base and the dude probably got blue balls. I have never seen a man not get an erection after making out in bed with a women he likes. When your cuddling close you can tell. As others said men can fake physical affection to get what they want. Your guy didn't get it so he fade away... You got invested with this person WAY to soon, I mean come on! it was just a first date. If you had any chance left with this guy you completely killed it by sending those last messages. It sounded crazy and desperate... the guy probably thinks he dodge a bullet by not continuing with the "relationship". Guys don't like intense women. Next time you have to relax and take things slowly. That means do not take a complete stranger to your place, to you bed the very first time you meet him in person because most guys will think "you're down for sex".

Edited January 20, 2016 by Terry8889

[hellbent]

All these responses are great and this is giving me a new perspective here. My last relationship (3 years long) started after a similar intense first date and I just assumed it would progress further with ease. When he slowed down communication after hanging I thought it was strange and panicked. On one hand four texts in a week isnt alot if they are interested in you, but I see everyone's point here. Too much too soon and I guess that will be the last I hear from him. Oh well, learning here!

[soph-walker]

It's hard when you like someone and feel potential. I know it's hard to hold back and not tell a person how you feel, but perspective/elapsed time can often prove to be worthwhile.

 

I personally wouldn't have texted him calling him out, I think that was OTT, but I'm sure you realise that and were just caught up in the moment.

 

It's all a learning curve..life, OLD and everything in between.

[angel.eyes]

IME, guys beat me to the punch in texting first. If you don't hear from him, send him a text thanking him for a great evening. Mention that you would like to see him again, and move on to the next. If he gets back to you, great. If he doesn't, no biggie! Either way, after you've expressed your interest post-date, let him take the initiative.

 

All this guy's responses post-date were delayed. Not once did he initiate. That was an early clue that this was going nowhere. By the time he started deflecting by mentioning he was at *****work, you should have gone silent. That's not language guys use when they're trying to put their best foot forward to impress you. That's the type of response used to get you to stop bugging them...in his case, he may have been with his next Tinder prospect already.

 

You continued to chase anyway, so he made a comment about how he was going to be busy at work all week. That's a blatant blow-off. Don't respond by going all psychopants about how much you liked him and how disappointed you are that he's ghosting you. Even if he had been on the fence, you just nailed that coffin shut.

 

Anyway, if Romeo boy can charm himself into your bed on a first date and have you that hooked, I highly doubt this was his second time at this rodeo in a year...more likely, it's that week or weekend. Don't believe every crap line a stranger uses on you.

 

Lesson learned. All those smiles, making out, and letting you play with his hair, didn't mean much. Keep it simple. Either he asks you on a second date or he doesn't. If he doesn't, just move on to the next.

[hellbent]

I will say, I don't believe he meets up with alot of others, he showed me his matches was only a couple and he expressed discouragement with his time on tinder. And his last girlfriend was years and years ago. Had I not texted first I guess I wouldn't have heard from him again or possibly way later (if he was on the fence). That is still so strange to me as his interest during the initial two weeks was consistent and enthused and our hang out was great(well to me it was). We had sent pictures so no suprise there, we looked at each other on social media, we know alot of the same people and to me all seemed consistent with someone really liking me. I guess taking I will start taking it slower is the solution here. People lose attention so fast these days I thought this would stand out from other dates.

[hippychick3]

I will say, I don't believe he meets up with alot of others, he showed me his matches was only a couple and he expressed discouragement with his time on tinder. And his last girlfriend was years and years ago. Had I not texted first I guess I wouldn't have heard from him again or possibly way later (if he was on the fence). That is still so strange to me as his interest during the initial two weeks was consistent and enthused and our hang out was great(well to me it was). We had sent pictures so no suprise there, we looked at each other on social media, we know alot of the same people and to me all seemed consistent with someone really liking me. I guess taking I will start taking it slower is the solution here. People lose attention so fast these days I thought this would stand out from other dates.

 

He was probably very interested in you but the lack of mystery and excessive time together on a first date may have caused him to lose interest. It's always good to leave a date with them wanting more. The pursuit of a woman increases a man's attraction (for the most part).

[Httm]

He was probably very interested in you but the lack of mystery and excessive time together on a first date may have caused him to lose interest. It's always good to leave a date with them wanting more. The pursuit of a woman increases a man's attraction (for the most part).

 

I hate the advocacy of game playing.

[hellbent]

Yea i mean... I think if someone likes you they try and make it work even ifthere are some hiccups or you dont play the game right. But oh well, if he isnt into me despite that nice hangout then whatever.

[hellbent]

Its also pretty unsettling that guys will essentially do/say whatever to maybe get laid. He seemed nervous to first kiss me and was only following my lead so i thought it was all genuine. I mean he was really going with the cuddle factor here, and thats weird to me that someone can do that with just anyone. The belly rubs, back rubs and talking all day face to face got me psyched for more. And then silence. i wasnt against sex eventually so him not pursuing further when it was kind of a sure thing makes me think he just didnt care that much/lost interest.

[hippychick3]

Yea i mean... I think if someone likes you they try and make it work even ifthere are some hiccups or you dont play the game right. But oh well, if he isnt into me despite that nice hangout then whatever.

 

They are only going to try and make it work if there is continued attraction. The problem is that his attraction for you went away. It's not necessarily a conscious thing. There are many variables to attraction, and it's helpful to know what those are. It's not about playing games. It's about holding back some and taking things slowly until a relationship is established.

[katiegrl]

Its also pretty unsettling that guys will essentially do/say whatever to maybe get laid. He seemed nervous to first kiss me and was only following my lead so i thought it was all genuine. I mean he was really going with the cuddle factor here, and thats weird to me that someone can do that with just anyone. The belly rubs, back rubs and talking all day face to face got me psyched for more. And then silence. i wasnt against sex eventually so him not pursuing further when it was kind of a sure thing makes me think he just didnt care that much/lost interest.

 

FWIW, I don't think he was just after sex.

 

Like I said, he *was* into you, but feelings can change on a dime in those very very early stages ....and the fact you hardly gave him a chance to catch his breath after the date was just TOO MUCH too soon.

 

I know you said the first date with your previous boyfriend was intense too ...but not all guys respond to that type of intensity the same .....many men will pull back "just a bit" after that ...but there you go sending him text after text when he gave you every indication he needed to catch his breath!

 

We all feel anxious in the beginning, but you need to learn to contain that anxiety or you're gonna have many men running.

 

Follow his lead! Like I said, after the date, text ONCE, then wait for him to text back.

 

If you receive a cold response, then leave it!!! Just cause you're panicked, which frankly after one date is ridiculous, doesn't mean you continue texting away (in an attempt to seek reassurance).

 

That is s TURN OFF ....which IMO is precisely what happened here.

 

So don't be mad at him just cause he got turned off (after the date) and lost interest.

 

If you should be mad at anyone, it's yourself for allowing your anxieties to get the best of you and coming off too strong .....too soon.

 

Learn from this .....and just move on.

 

If you hear from again, which you might, relax and slow down.

[hellbent]

They are only going to try and make it work if there is continued attraction. The problem is that his attraction for you went away. It's not necessarily a conscious thing. There are many variables to attraction, and it's helpful to know what those are. It's not about playing games. It's about holding back some and taking things slowly until a relationship is established.

 

Ive never really thought about it like that, i always have just had intense first dates to show them how "fun" and great i could be. But i see the importance of holding some back. This was a good lesson to learn, I was talking ALOT on this date and the night was really intense and afterwards i kind of felt like "what just happened was that a dream". There was constant touching and constant questions being asked to learn more. I definitly agree that maybe subconciously attraction was smothered.

[hellbent]

FWIW, I don't think he was just after sex.

 

Like I said, he *was* into you, but feelings can change on a dime in those very very early stages ....and the fact you hardly gave him a chance to catch his breath after the date was just TOO MUCH too soon.

 

I know you said the first date with your previous boyfriend was intense too ...but not all guys respond to that type of intensity the same .....many men will pull back "just a bit" after that ...but there you go sending him text after text when he gave you every indication he needed to catch his breath!

 

We all feel anxious in the beginning, but you need to learn to contain that anxiety or you're gonna have many men running.

 

Follow his lead! Like I said, after the date, text ONCE, then wait for him to text back.

 

If you receive a cold response, then leave it!!! Just cause you're panicked, which frankly after one date is ridiculous, doesn't mean you continue texting away (in an attempt to seek reassurance).

 

That is s TURN OFF ....which IMO is precisely what happened here.

 

So don't be mad at him just cause he got turned off (after the date) and lost interest.

 

If you should be mad at anyone, it's yourself for allowing your anxieties to get the best of you and coming off too strong .....too soon.

 

Learn from this .....and just move on.

 

If you hear from again, which you might, relax and slow down.

 

This really makes sense now, thanks for spelling it out aha. I felt extremely cofused after but now I see its not always black and white. Needing time to think things over is fair, and I did feel like i was forcing something when I was sending the texts. Yikes, I never want to act like that again!!