Heartbroken and clueless

[elizabear]

Around Christmas, my boyfriend of 2 years sat me down and told me that he was depressed and unhappy with virtually everything in his life, apart from our relationship. He wanted to be alone to work on himself, so that he wouldn't have to worry about how whatever changes he wound up needing to make to improve his life would effect me or anyone else. Basically, he needed some time to be selfish, even though he knew it hurt me and it also hurt him to lose what we have together.

 

Fast forward to now, we're still together after weeks of talking it through. He realized that he can improve his life without throwing away the one thing he says actually works and makes him happy. So all good, right?

 

Long before all this happened, we had planed to move to Denver together after I graduate this May. Even though he was initially more excited than I was for these plans, at some point I guess this freaked him out and he decided he couldn't do it. He didn't want to leave where we're at now because he has a job, friends, and he's slowly setting up some music connections (his dream is to be a musician professionally).

 

Unlike him, I don't have a "passion" in life for one certain thing. All I know is that I want to move after I graduate, because I grew up in this city and I want to see what other places have to offer. A few weeks ago he told me that he couldn't give me a yes or no answer as to whether or not he would go with me, but that he was willing to and not totally against the idea, but that we'd "figure it out."

 

Today, when I asked him to take a weekend trip with me to another city I'm interested in moving to, he said he'd "rather not", even though one of his best friends lives there and he expressed interest in living there at one point.

 

Naturally, I was really upset by what his answer implied. It seems to me that he had no intention at all of even considering moving with me. He's not even willing to take a weekend trip with me. That was a blow.

 

What ultra sucks is that we live together, and have for almost 7 months. My gut is telling me that I need to end this now and move out for my last four months in this city. Granted, I graduate in May and a lot can change in 4 months. But staying with him and living with him is the worst feeling in the world, knowing that he likely doesn't see our relationship as a priority for the future like I do.

 

Having said all of that-- he still tells me he loves me. He still tells me that he wants what we have and that he loves what we have. He just "doesn't want to give up everything else in order to have it" (even though he doesn't have to, I never asked him to, and he himself says he KNOWS he doesn't have to and that it's a bit irrational)

 

And I know that sounds like a load of BS, but he is truly an honest and sincere person. I believe that he loves me, but he believes that a future with me is somehow incompatible with his own hopes and dreams for the future, even though so far I've been supportive and have actually helped get him to where he is now.

 

So my current dilemma is this: Do I move out now in an attempt to end this heartache? Or do I stick it out until graduation, at which point I will officially know whether or not he wants to stay with me?

 

I'm honestly not the easiest person to get to know. I have a hard time making friends and I'm not super social. He is my first serious relationship and the first person I've ever truly loved. He gets me, and I get him. He's my best friend, and I feel like I'm home when I'm with him. Moving out would be absolutely devastating to me. And the icing on the cake is that he gave me herpes when we first started dating, so thinking about having to re-enter the dating pool with that extra baggage is an extra helping of awful. I'm honestly just so lost. I don't want to move out and then regret it. But at the same time, staying here has me breaking down crying almost every single day.

 

I love him and don't want to lose him, but have I already lost him?

[tasev1]

Very concise story, and I appreciated reading it. From my personal point of view, as short as possible:

 

-Both of you are still young; young enough to still not fully know what you want in life and with each other.

-He DOES love you, but he knows he needs to build his career or he will have nothing BUT you - the same applies to you as well.

-What is/was a good partner for you now, might not be in the near future or a few years' time. Remember, people change, they grow, they learn. They need to experience. What I need now in dating for myself isn't what I want to be married to, as an example.

-Expecting to be with someone at that large transition period in life, IMO, is not realistic. Yes it will hurt, but it will let you experience more in life. You need to grow, sometimes alone, sometimes with different partners.

-You clearly both communicated about it. His response to the weekend away is exactly what it looks like on the surface - there is no ulterior motive as he said exactly how he felt (why is another question altogether).

 

And MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!!::::::

 

-Being apart and not in a relationship does NOT mean the love has to stop!! You can keep in touch, your distanced relationship can still be amicable; continue to respect each other and know that you both did what was needed to move on in life. Don't hold yourselves back from dating others.

 

If you'd like, I recommend a book for both of you: "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne. You will understand why when you finish the book. SOme of my notes I got from it.

 

Edit: As for him working on himself: it's great that he recognizes he needs change, and has the honor to come to you about it. He probably feels exactly what he expressed - not wanting to alienate you on his journey; because as people change so do their needs, feelings, etc....He hopes that you might be strong enough to work through it with him.

Edited January 20, 2016 by tasev1

[elizabear]

Thanks for your reply! You made some very good points. I am young-- only 22. Though he's 29, but the age difference was never an issue.

 

I'm still not sure how to proceed with things. Part of me wants to sit down and compromise, and just stay in this city for a while after graduation until he gets a better idea about where things are going and what he wants. He said it himself, that a main part of the problem is that we're operating on a very limited timeframe. I don't even really know where I want to go, or even if I have the finances in place to actually move somewhere at all. We work really well together. I just think we're both having a hard time.

 

Though, after typing that, the rational side of me is screaming that I shouldn't stay for someone who won't do the same for me. But I also know that relationships are about give and take, and maybe this is a situation where I do need to set my own needs aside for a while to help the person I love. It's not like I'd be giving up on a dream job-- the city we're in is prime real estate for the field of work I'm going into. Maybe I could use the money I'd spend moving cross-country to travel instead.

 

I guess I need to talk to him again about his reasons for feeling the way he does. Maybe I would be better off moving far away and ending our relationship. And maybe the love and support and happiness I get from being him is worth sticking it out for however much longer in my hometown, so that he can work through things himself.

 

I once heard that the obvious solution to most salvageable relational issues is love, though most people don't even consider it an obvious option. Pouring as much love as possible onto a person, unconditionally, even during the rough times. I've been looking at this problem so far like I'm the victim, but maybe that's not right. I'm 22 and about to have a college degree and good job prospects-- he's almost 30 and has always wanted nothing more than to be a writer and play music. He hasn't accomplished these things yet, but now he's trying again. Maybe I should suck it up for a while longer to support him.

 

WOW SO MUCH CRAP, I hate this. I am not an emotional person by nature at all, but this last month and a half has been literal hell. I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow to try and get some help. And maybe some xanax.

 

Anyway, sorry for that solid bit of ramble, and thanks again.

[elizabear]

My boyfriend of 2 years just broke up with me. He said he wants to be alone, and that while he loves me and "doesn't know what he'll do without me", he's just not in a place for any kind of emotional or physical intimacy anymore. He says that I'm his best friend and that I mean the world to him, and that these last 2 years have been perfect, but in a weird way it "doesn't feel like we're in a romantic relationship." He wants to be alone to work on himself and do the things he loves doing, without having to worry about making anyone else happy. He recognized how selfish this is, and apologized, saying that he never meant to hurt me.

 

We live together and most of my good friends don't live in the same city. Honestly, the worst part is thinking about having to go find another apartment, pack up my things, and move it all out. I honestly cannot think of anything more painful than doing all of that on my own.

 

He was my first everything. My first love, my first real relationship, I lost my virginity to him. He was everything to me and this has totally blindsided me. I am so lost.

 

What do I do? I'm in my senior semester at university and I was already overwhelmed with the amount of stress from schoolwork. I don't think I can even eat or sleep now. How do I begin the process of healing?

 

Where do I even start so that I can even just breathe without feeling like I'm going to die?

[Rocci di Persia]

If he wants to be alone, he should move out not you. You shouldn't have to up-end your life because he decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

Are you also able to take a semester off from school? You might want to look into that immediately if you're in no shape to concentrate on schoolwork.

 

I am also out of a two year relationship and he was my first everything too so I completely understand your pain.

 

Tell him to move out and start no contact immediately and over time you will feel better. I felt suicidal after my relationship ended and I felt better with distance and time.

[tasev1]

Actually, your ramble doesn't sound like a ramble at all....you are very well spoken, and what you said is true indeed. Men generally prefer younger women, but at his age he is starting to realise he is getting into his 30's soon without a solid career (interpreted), and that is probably scaring him - which is why he needs to refocus. It won't be until later that he'll start feeling more desperate for a strong relationship.

 

Just remember (and I know it won't help) - no matter what choice you make, it ISN'T WRONG....it's simply a choice that will take you down a path.

 

Try talking to him again, and see where it goes. If he doesn't want you, I do! (and so will many other men). LOL

[elizabear]

Unfortunately I'm not on the lease. We decided I should unofficially move in with him and his roommate around 7 months ago, when I couldn't afford rent at my other place anymore. So that's on me, I guess.

 

Taking the semester off is also, unfortunately, not a possibility. I'm going to give my professors a heads up, and I'm hoping the school has some kind of personal crisis policy where I can be allowed some leeway. I'm so close to graduation, I don't want this to ruin my life more than it already has.

 

It really honestly is the most painful thing I've ever felt. I feel suicidal. I want to fall asleep as never wake up, if this is why being awake is going to feel like.

 

What's worse is that my first instinct is to deal with this pain is to run to him about how I'm feeling so sad. How long does it take for that to go away? The impulse to immediately tell them everything, even though it's over?

 

How do you go from talking to someone every single day for more than two years to not talking at all??

[angel.eyes]

Aww, honey! (((HUGS)))

 

It will eventually get better. It doesn't feel possible right now, but you'll be happy and joyful again.

 

I agree with the previous poster. If your name is on the lease, he moves out since he's the one who wants to be alone. Be nice, but firm about the fact, that he leaves, not you.

 

Speak to your professors and let them know you are going through a personal crisis right now. See if you can delay any papers or exams that are coming up soon. If you can decrease your course load and still graduate on time, look into doing that. Also, most universities have counselors. Avail yourself of these. Finally, lean on your friends...and this website.. You can always post here to your heart's content. We're always here for support.

Edited January 20, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Rocci di Persia]

Trust me, if I can do it, you can do it. I was best friends with my ex. We rarely went a day without talking and we spoke ALL day ALL night for two years. I won't lie - it's a massive void in my life still after 4 months no contact - but you will adjust and you have to adjust. You are more than your relationship. The longer you sustain no contact, the sooner those impulses will leave you but it will still be a bit of rollercoaster and you need to be prepared for that.

 

Do you not have one friend you can stay with until you find a place of your own to stay?

 

Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to strangers. Do not talk to him. He made that decision and you have lost control. You regain control by being the person who enforces that decision. He needs to feel the void of not having you in his life. Either way, stay away, be gone and heal.

[angel.eyes]

Take up a new hobby to fill the void and keep your mind busy. Exercise! Again, it will keep your mind from ruminating about him, and the endorphins will help lift your mood. You'll also be in great shape when you're eventually ready to date again.

 

Yes, it's a painful time. It's difficult to say how long you'll take to recover. But be assured that you will!

[GlobeTrotter9]

I really really feel for you! My first love broke up with me very suddenly after three years together back in November. We were inseparable right up until a few weeks before the break up so like many others on here, I know the sudden feeling of emptiness when that massive void opens up and sucks you in.

 

I know its difficult to imagine now but things really do get better. I was a mess for weeks and weeks in pretty much every way, but each day now gets slightly easier and I'm finally able to accept that she's gone. Just take each day as it comes, the grieving process is a long and drawn out one and each person handles it differently.

 

As people above have said, just find ways to keep yourself busy. Take up a new hobby, hit the gym, spend more time with friends, do whatever it takes to have some time for yourself. Just remember that everything happens for a reason. He may have been your first but he definitely won't be your last. Keep your head held high, things really do get better in the long run!

[ExpatInItaly]

It's a tough position to be in, OP. You have my sympathy because I've somewhat been in your shoes.

 

An ex and I were together a long time, and lived together, but whereas I'd more or less gotten my career sorted, he was still searching for....something. He was working in his field but wanted something more. We'd talked about moving too (abroad, actually) and then he suddenly seemed to change his mind. He said he didn't know if that was the right step for him, wanted to work on himself, didn't want to hurt me in the process. Almost verbatim what your boyfriend has told you.

 

Ultimately it didn't work out between us. We wanted different things and eventually realized our life goals didn't really line up anymore. Many years later, I did indeed wind up moving abroad (hence my username!) and the last I heard he'd gotten married and had a better job but had stayed in our home area. I knew deep down it wasn't what I wanted to do in life, so I have no regrets about sticking to my guns.

 

A lot of this actually depends on you. What do you want for your future? What are your goals in the next 5, 10 years? And his? I think you need to sit down and have another talk with him and try to assess whether your life paths are still similar or if they're starting to diverge. Pouring unconditional love on someone having a hard time is great and all, but not very realistic when it comes to figuring out your own life. You can be supportive of his dreams but you still need to attend to yours too.

[LA Luv]

Oh Elizabear, do I ever know where you are coming from.

First I should tell you that I am almost twice your age.

I have spent a lot of time time dating musicians & artists, I am an artist myself.

There is a lot in that.

I am curious, if you work is in the arts, or if the field of your studies/pursuits is something quite different?

There are things about dating an artist & musician that throw you into a whole other realm of dating...they are just not the same as the average blue or white collar working Joe, they march to a different drum, so I truly believe that a lot of standard dating advice that might apply to others, not so with dating an artist....this comes from years of experience.

I hear from what you say that you are anxious to spread your own wings....you are about to graduate, perhaps restless & interested in experience what the rest of the world outside your current town/city has to offer...totally get that. When I was done with all the hard work it took to get through college, I wanted nothing more than to fly.....

It sounds to me as if he believes that the city/town you currently live in could be advantageous to his career. Sounds like you want to split.

Right out the gate my advice to you would be this....I would just stay with him until you graduate. Executing a move 4 months before you graduate will put a massive stress on your current situation, coupled with the obvious "break up" you would endure at the end of your college term.

This guy does sound as if he loves you, and you love him. In the long range of all that this life may have to offer you, I say, love him as best you can for at least these last 4 months. Enjoy every minute of your time with him.

I hear a bit from you on what sounds like "the battle of the wills"...what he wants vs. what you want, and who gets their way. I do not think he is disrespecting you by telling you what he needs to do for himself & career right now, so I would try not to read it as that.

The big question is, if you are willing to put on any sort of 'soft hold" your plans, in order to be with him. It sounds to me honestly, like you are not even sure where you want to go next? Or that perhaps you only envisioned the next move being with him, in your company?

I did that once, just as you described. I met a wonderful man when traveling around just after college...we fell in love. But I was dead set on executing my plan of being "free" and traveling, so I left him, for the sake of just executing my plan to continue traveling around, with no real destination or clear plan in mind.

I guess I was foolishly hoping we could sustain a long distance relationship while I did my thing. He replaced me within a few months with a girl who was content to staying put in his hometown, married her, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

I was devastated. To this day, it was one of the things I regret most in this life (BTW< I was around your age when I made that decision...)

 

Now, on dating a musician....there are a couple "types" of girls that are going to work best with that type of man. 1st, the type that have a banging career & are confident enough to be able to "carry the load" of the financial strain that will inevitably occur with someone on that career path, and that can put their own insecurities aside & be an ultimate "support" system in their partners passions, putting any concern aside that they are getting "used" for the ride.

 

The 2nd type is another artist, another completely free spirit, where both partners come & go and give each other enough freedom & understanding on the rollercoaster of their conjoined lives, that not one or the other has any room to judge the other, in the line of financial instabilities, erratic moves, long times apart, many flirting "orbiters" around, etc.....

If you are a "Type A" personality, and always looking 1st to have your own emotional needs met, and to have a man who can support you or be the breadwinner financially, then honestly, you may not be the right candidate to date a musician, trust me on this.

Regarding your situation with the STD....I have more than enough experience with this. I do not want to disucss this on open forum with you, but if you would like to private message me on this, I would be happy to discuss my experiences with you. It is not as awful "out there" living with what you have as you might think.

I do like what the other posters have submitted to you in the way of advice so far, because by & large, it seems to come from love....not a lot of what I have not seen as advice on other postings on these forums before.

Again, I have been in your situation in many respects a number of times. If you would like to talk further, feel free to message me.

In the meantime, try & stay calm, centered, and come from a place of love,

best wishes to you.....

[Els]

OP, I think both of you have just grown apart. Not your fault, not his, just the way things are. IMO the 20s are a period of tremendous change and growth - sometimes couples grow in a way that maintains their compatibility, and sometimes not.

 

If your gut tells you you should end this, then you should. It's not a good idea to stifle your dreams and plans for a man who hasn't demonstrated much investment in this relationship. If you're not the kind of person who can be happy living in one place all your life (and I can understand - I'm not either), then I think you will regret it if you stay for him.

[Tribble]

It's certainly a tough situation. I agree it sounds like you might have grown apart and have different priorities. If you stay, I think you may grow to resent him. To be fair, it sounds like you already resent him. It is difficult, but I think you're being a little unfair. You say why should you stay when he's not willing to go. From his point of view, why should he go when you aren't willing to stay? Neither of you are right or wrong it's just what it is. I think it's unfair to say he isn't willing to invest in your relationship. Agreeing to move is not investing in your relationship, it's doing what you want.

 

 

I think you need to really think about whether you want to move or not, regardless of your bf. It's 4 months away (which really isn't that much time) and you have no idea where you want to go, what you would do when you got there, whether you could even afford it etc. Is just something you thought you guys would do and now things are changing away from that and your digging your heels in? Or do you really want to go? Wanting a change of scenery isn't wrong but you have to be quite dedicated for it to work for you.

 

 

You need to have a serious chat with him. Where do you see your futures? Together, apart, in that city, in a different city? You are so young. Some people meet their person at your age and some don't. Think seriously about what you want in your life and see if he fits in with that. If he doesn't, you've just outgrown each other and that's OK.

 

 

In terms of moving out or not now, that's obviously up to you. But I don't think you can concentrate on your studies in your current states so it needs sorting. For me, I wouldn't be able to stay those 4 months so not to rock the boat, fully knowing I would break up and leave when it was more convenient to me. I couldn't act like everything was fine in our relationship and then ditch it after 4 months. But that's just me.

 

 

Good luck, it isn't easy!

[elizabear]

Oh Elizabear, do I ever know where you are coming from.

First I should tell you that I am almost twice your age.

I have spent a lot of time time dating musicians & artists, I am an artist myself.

There is a lot in that.

I am curious, if you work is in the arts, or if the field of your studies/pursuits is something quite different?

There are things about dating an artist & musician that throw you into a whole other realm of dating...they are just not the same as the average blue or white collar working Joe, they march to a different drum, so I truly believe that a lot of standard dating advice that might apply to others, not so with dating an artist....this comes from years of experience.

I hear from what you say that you are anxious to spread your own wings....you are about to graduate, perhaps restless & interested in experience what the rest of the world outside your current town/city has to offer...totally get that. When I was done with all the hard work it took to get through college, I wanted nothing more than to fly.....

It sounds to me as if he believes that the city/town you currently live in could be advantageous to his career. Sounds like you want to split.

Right out the gate my advice to you would be this....I would just stay with him until you graduate. Executing a move 4 months before you graduate will put a massive stress on your current situation, coupled with the obvious "break up" you would endure at the end of your college term.

This guy does sound as if he loves you, and you love him. In the long range of all that this life may have to offer you, I say, love him as best you can for at least these last 4 months. Enjoy every minute of your time with him.

I hear a bit from you on what sounds like "the battle of the wills"...what he wants vs. what you want, and who gets their way. I do not think he is disrespecting you by telling you what he needs to do for himself & career right now, so I would try not to read it as that.

The big question is, if you are willing to put on any sort of 'soft hold" your plans, in order to be with him. It sounds to me honestly, like you are not even sure where you want to go next? Or that perhaps you only envisioned the next move being with him, in your company?

I did that once, just as you described. I met a wonderful man when traveling around just after college...we fell in love. But I was dead set on executing my plan of being "free" and traveling, so I left him, for the sake of just executing my plan to continue traveling around, with no real destination or clear plan in mind.

I guess I was foolishly hoping we could sustain a long distance relationship while I did my thing. He replaced me within a few months with a girl who was content to staying put in his hometown, married her, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

I was devastated. To this day, it was one of the things I regret most in this life (BTW< I was around your age when I made that decision...)

 

Now, on dating a musician....there are a couple "types" of girls that are going to work best with that type of man. 1st, the type that have a banging career & are confident enough to be able to "carry the load" of the financial strain that will inevitably occur with someone on that career path, and that can put their own insecurities aside & be an ultimate "support" system in their partners passions, putting any concern aside that they are getting "used" for the ride.

 

The 2nd type is another artist, another completely free spirit, where both partners come & go and give each other enough freedom & understanding on the rollercoaster of their conjoined lives, that not one or the other has any room to judge the other, in the line of financial instabilities, erratic moves, long times apart, many flirting "orbiters" around, etc.....

If you are a "Type A" personality, and always looking 1st to have your own emotional needs met, and to have a man who can support you or be the breadwinner financially, then honestly, you may not be the right candidate to date a musician, trust me on this.

Regarding your situation with the STD....I have more than enough experience with this. I do not want to disucss this on open forum with you, but if you would like to private message me on this, I would be happy to discuss my experiences with you. It is not as awful "out there" living with what you have as you might think.

I do like what the other posters have submitted to you in the way of advice so far, because by & large, it seems to come from love....not a lot of what I have not seen as advice on other postings on these forums before.

Again, I have been in your situation in many respects a number of times. If you would like to talk further, feel free to message me.

In the meantime, try & stay calm, centered, and come from a place of love,

best wishes to you.....

 

Thank you so much for this reply. It's so comforting to know someone else has made it through a similar situation alright.

 

A lot has happened in the three days since I posted this. I made the decision to move out, as I didn't want to keep on enduring the emotions that came with his uncertainty, he still seemed like he wanted some space, and I wanted to respect his wishes. When we talked about it more, he told me that not only does he need space-- he wants to be totally alone, that we needed to break up.

 

At this point in his life, he said that he is more comfortable being alone, without any kind of emotional or physical intimacy. He wants to work on himself and his own happiness-- that his inclination to do anything and everything possible to make me happy was in a way keeping him from pursuing his own happiness. He was afraid that living that "musician" lifestyle (e.g. being broke on the road for months and months) would be too much for me to handle, and that he doesn't want me to regret being with him.

 

He said that he still loves me more than he's ever loved anyone and hates hurting me, but that strangely we don't feel like "boyfriend and girlfriend" to him. Not anything less or more than that, just different. Maybe it's his "artists' mind's" way of understanding emotional intimacy-- we're best friends and the love that we had at the beginning isn't the same love as it is now. But at this point he thinks his life makes more sense without me in it. I guess he doesn't see our futures as compatible, even though I have no clue what my future is going to look like. Maybe he just isn't feeling it anymore, and is trying to soften the blow to me.

Either way. Majorly sucks.

 

 

Naturally, I'm heartbroken. He keeps alluding to the fact that this may only be a "phase" where he needs to be alone, and that he might get over it. He just doesn't know how long. But obviously I can't do that, and he shouldn't do that to me. Every step of the way he seems unsure about his decision.

 

Last night, a full day after being officially broken up, everything seemed like it's always been. We talked and both cried in each other's arms for a while, then we turned on netflix and just hung out. Then he took me out to dinner. Then we went on a walk. Then we fell asleep for the night in each other's arms again. It felt like we were saying goodbye, but he just said that he doesn't know how else to act around me. It feels like the real "break" will happen on Sunday when I move everything out and I'm officially gone. God, how I'm dreading this weekend.

 

And I would love to talk to you about your experience. As far as I know, I don't know anyone with the condition. I could definitely use some coaching. I'll message you later.

 

Thank you again

[elizabear]

Two days ago my ex broke up with me because me and our relationship are no longer as big of priorities to him as they once were. (That was the first time I've called him my ex. That's new.)

 

He “cares for me deeply”, but isn’t comfortable being in a relationship anymore at this point in his life, where he is trying to change almost everything about himself and his life. Those changes take priority.

 

He “loves me”, but being in a relationship is a commitment that he no longer wants, with anyone. He doesn’t want emotional or sexual intimacy. At all. Because it distracts him from making changes and learning more about himself. Isolation takes priority.

 

He “feels an extremely close bond to me, emotional and romantic”, but he can’t do the commitment part anymore. He’s committing fully to himself. It’s not like he’s trying to find someone else or someone better. He says I’m “honestly and sincerely perfect, and have been since day one.” He just wants no one.

 

He “loves being with me”, and it makes him comfortable and content with where he is. This is a problem because it makes him complacent during a time where he is trying to achieve significant things and make huge changes to his life.

 

He wants to be alone. Or at least away from me. To go on a journey of self discovery.

 

It’s a shame, because these last two years have been amazing. But when **** hit the fan 2 months ago, I guess I found out how he deals when life gets hard. And I deserve better than a person who, after 2 happy years, tells me they still love me while pushing me out the door, when life isn’t giving them what they want. That’s not love. Love isn’t that selfish.

 

And I know how *******-ish and "are you for real? This guy is obviously lying/hiding something/not being real with you" sounds, but my ex is one of the most stupidly honest, sincere, passionate, and sentimental people I've ever met. He 100% meant this bull****.

 

Kinda feeling the angry part of post-breakup emotional roller coaster. Crying will likely commence in like 5 minutes.

[brothers343]

So what his telling you is that his going to leave everyone behind including you to go up on a soul searching hiatus. His going to go a find the sound of a whisper.lol This man doesn't love you like he says he does and I would use those amazing 2 years as a learning experience. Plus do you really want a man that leaves when **** hits the fan or do you want a man that walks the rough streets by your side.....let him go and watch how his soul searching will bring him back to you. I can bet you will be doing some soul searching of your own and by the time he comes back....you won't want him. Good luck.

[elizabear]

So what his telling you is that his going to leave everyone behind including you to go up on a soul searching hiatus. His going to go a find the sound of a whisper.lol This man doesn't love you like he says he does and I would use those amazing 2 years as a learning experience. Plus do you really want a man that leaves when **** hits the fan or do you want a man that walks the rough streets by your side.....let him go and watch how his soul searching will bring him back to you. I can bet you will be doing some soul searching of your own and by the time he comes back....you won't want him. Good luck.

 

Seeeeeeeiously made me laugh. Thank you.

 

Yep. Except his journey involves being "alone" ONLY from me. All of his friends are aiight.

 

He wants to become a successful writer and guitarist/vocalist. Apparently I take up too much of his time or "energy" to make him want to chase his dreams at full mast. Because obviously the emotional support of my being there for him is just too damn much.

 

Makes me sick.

 

He's a good man. He's just very depressed, very lost, very idealistic, and has a heighten ego and sense of what he can actually accomplish in music at 30 years old.

 

In other words: I think he's having an early mid-life crisis, and unfortunately, I get the end of the stick that's covered in ****.

[mightycpa]

If he's not prolific yet, his life's going to have to truly suck to make him produce some good music. Give him what he wants. Make him miserable.

[elizabear]

If he's not prolific yet, his life's going to have to truly suck to make him produce some good music. Give him what he wants. Make him miserable.

 

Honestly, he's a great writer, but a mediocre vocalist/guitarist.

Guess which one he's trying for more. Ha.

 

Unfortunately, I'm also miserable in the process, so I'm definitely never dating a musician ever again. **** this.

 

Plus, 2.5 years and I faked it every time.✌

[tasev1]

Glad we could help.....and it's not a 'condition'. You handled it very well, and you can see - many points of view, all of them applicable!

[mightycpa]

Honestly, he's a great writer, but a mediocre vocalist/guitarist.

That so totally describes me. Actually, I aspire to mediocrity.

Plus, 2.5 years and I faked it every time.✌

See, misery produces great art... you're an actress now!

 

It sounds like you could use an internal journey.

[elizabear]

Last week, my boyfriend asked me to move out. We've been together for two years and I moved into his apartment 7 months ago.

 

He said he absolutely still loves me and wants to be with me. He said that he cherishes what we have, and that he's never felt this way about anyone before. That this is his favorite relationship he's ever had. I'm deeply in love with him and feel the same way about these things.

 

Having said that, he also wants to break up. Kind of. He said that he wants some time to be alone, to not worry about making anyone happy but himself. He's not interested in dating other girls-- he simply wants to be alone, to work on his writing and music, and to get his life heading in the direction HE wants it to go in, without worrying about what anyone else thinks. Without there being any kind of expectations he has to meet.

 

He said it wasn't really my fault, just that simply my being there apparently makes him feel like he needs to settle into the "9 to 5" lifestyle to make me comfortable and happy, and that it scared him that he was willing to give up on his dreams to do that, to "make me happy" (even though I never asked him to do this). We live two very different kinds of lives. I'm 22, about to graduate and start my career in PR-- he's 29 and wants to be a professional writer and musician, with little success thus far. Even though I told him that I never expected him to want the same kind of "career path" that I do (I can support myself, thanks much.), his brain pressures him away from chasing his dreams when he's around me because he doesn't want to upset my "stable" lifestyle.

 

So he says he "wants to be alone for a while." that he's "more comfortable being alone at this point in his life." But he also has been saying things like "who knows how long this phase will last?", and "I'm going to miss you like crazy. This might just be me needing space. Who knows?", "we'll just play it by ear", "maybe in a month or two we can start texting".

 

So what do I do with that information? I move out tomorrow and I'm grieving for our relationship, which has been incredible and filled with love up until this point. He says he doesn't want to call it just a "break" because that would defeat the purpose. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, because that puts expectations on him to act a certain way and do certain things during a time in his life that he's trying to carve out his own way to happiness and fulfillment. But at the same time, the way he's talking makes it sound like he believes that at some point in the future, this "phase" will end and he'll want to be with me again.

 

I desperately don't want to break up, but I also want him to be happy. But I also want ME to be happy, and this whole "dragging me around" thing certainly isn't fair. At this point I recognize that some space in our relationship is going to be a good thing. But to go from talking and seeing each other every single day to no contact at all breaks my heart into pieces. Especially knowing that we both still love each other.

 

Does this sound more like a break or a breakup? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Edited January 24, 2016 by elizabear

[266696687]

He is being completely selfish. He is expecting you to put your life on hold and wait around for him in the hopes that you two might reconcile in a few months or however long his 'phase' might last. He is stringing you along and you haven't even left yet.

 

He is definitely deceiving you somewhere here. If he wanted to be with you in a relationship he would be. He wouldn't need you to move out or not speak to him for months if he truly loved you and wanted you in his life. I would consider this a breakup.

 

Have you considered the possibility that he has his eye on someone else and wants to pursue that while keeping you in the background just in case? His behaviour reeks of attempting to keep you as a backup option. He has clearly stated that he doesn't want to stay committed to you during this break which suggests he wants to be free to have sex with whoever he wants.

 

I wouldn't stand for this at all. If I was you I'd be clear with him that while he is going through his selfish phase that you will be taking steps to move on with your life without him. That you won't wait around for a reconciliation that may never happen and that you will be using this time apart to move on from the relationship completely. I wouldn't even give him the option of returning in a few months.

Edited January 24, 2016 by 266696687