Depressed ex situation - is there hope?

[xonlx]

My ex and I broke up about 1.5 months ago after a 2.5 year long relationship. I broke it off with him because things between us started getting really bad (fights, disagreements, etc).

 

After the breakup he told me that 2 months before it ended, he "turned off" his emotions. He bottled up all of the little things because he thought they weren't important enough to bring up and it all exploded in the end. I admit I wasn't the best girlfriend (Im not perfect) but he had his faults too in the relationship. I overlooked/accepted his negatives but I guess he just kept quiet about mine. It hurt to hear this because he never told me while we were dating (so I thought everything was fine). There was a a big issue with communication in our relationship.

 

But while his emotions turned off, mine grew stronger after the breakup. I admit I did the things that I shouldn't have done (the begging, the "I love you", etc) because I was going crazy during the early stages of the breakup. But after a while I've calmed down and can say that I'm willing to work on things and work together to fix it (since all of our issues were small and are fixable.) with a calm/level head. But it would take 2 people to make a relationship work....

 

He says that he still feels something between us and that we might have a future together but only IF he decides to give it another go and wants it. I told him it feels like hes stringing me on and I dont want to be his Plan B. I mean if he doesn't want it, tell me so I can cut off my emotions and and move on with my life. But he says that thats up to me, I can wait around for him until he answers (even then its not guaranteed) or I can just cut it off myself and move on.

 

But when I asked him if we're getting back together, he says he doesn't know. The thing I find odd is that if he knew how he was feeling while we were still dating (recap: he emotionally pulled away 2 months before it ended so he fell out of love), why he doesn't know now and can't give me a straight "I want to be with you" or "No, I dont!". In my mind, it should be a simple yes or no........either you want it or you dont.

 

The response I received from him was simply, "I just need time and right now, I dont know what I want". He told me that he doesn't want to hurt or lose me (typical response lol) since I was such a big part in his life. On top of this, he started suffering from pretty bad depression. There were slight signs before the breakup, but its on at full force right now. What Im offering now was what he wanted before the breakup, what he wants now is to feel normal again. Im worried about him and I want to help him feel better, but ultimately I know he has to do it on his own (but Im there for him if he needs me). Hes the type to not talk to anyone about it and tries to compartmentalize things so he doesn't think about it, so hes bottling up everything (again!) and its not healthy..... I can only assume that he's still hurt about the loss of our relationship and that he has other things going on in his life. But right now, he says he sees me as a friend.

 

We work together, so I see him almost everyday. We dont really contact eachother as much anymore (outside of work) or play online games together (we used to play daily!). But we still eat lunch together at work and have casual talk (and it goes pretty well! We both laugh and have good times). Sometimes we hang out with mututal friends and it goes completely fine! We can talk about light things from the past and he seems fine with it (I think?) but anything involving our relationship or feelings he avoids. He avoids answering my questions or the topic in general and everytime I receive an "I dont know response". He told me though that when he knows what he wants/feels better, I WILL know his answer. I can only assume its the depression thats affecting him right now and that hes really stressed (or maybe he just not being straight/honest with me). I know for a fact he's not handling it well at all.

 

I used to contact him alot in the beginning, but lately Ive been working on myself and dealing with my feelings and issues. I've been laying low, giving him space, and keeping my contact to a minimum. In the course of those 1.5 months, I feel like Ive come a long way as I'm slowly feeling better about the whole situation. Going from being in the crazy denial lonely phase to starting to feel ishly-kinda normal about myself. But I guess Im still worried about him, his feelings, and his depression right now. I maybe or am over analyzing his actions however. He seems to be contacting me a bit more and all of the little things he does makes it seem like he still has feelings/or cares. But Im not sure if I should look into it more deeply or take his actions with grains of salt because we are "friends". Its just very frustrating that he acts like nothing happened between us and he becomes angry/annoyed when I do bring certain things up. So I act like nothing happened as well and like a friend. Deep down it kinda hurts, but I guess Im getting used to it now. I mean I still want to be with the guy/more than friends, but I guess if its not going to happen, its not going to happen....I just want us both to be happy.

 

 

But I just wanted some opinions on how you think this will go? Does it look like theres hope for me and him getting back together?

 

Thanks in advance for your input!

[kat2008]

Hi

 

I am kinda going through this myself, we broke up on sunday after 10 years. He was having an affair, I kinda guessed and it all came to a head. He has been telling me for last 18 months that he doesn't know what he wants, including me. That when he knows, I will know. We live together, moving out is not an option for either of us at moment. I too think he is depressed, the symptoms are there but he is in denial. He refused flatly to do couples counselling as 'there is nothing wrong with him, he just needs to work things out himself' ie keep bottling it up.

 

It is really frustrating, but reading other posts on here suggests that you going the right way in looking after yourself first. I have been thru other break-ups and recognise all the actions - both his and yours! It doesn't make it easier tho.

 

Like you, I really want to get back with him, and am willing to make sacrifices but I also know that it will be a long road and not easy for either of us. I think the best thing to do is to keep looking after number 1 - ie yourself. It's what I am trying to do, keeping contact to a minimum (he works away all week, but have been getting a lot of texts off him - mostly about him of course! I take a long time to reply back and when I do am not rude but I am brief).

 

I probably haven't helped you a lot but reading your words has given me hope that I too will be able to keep moving on.

[DarkHorizon]

The question about hope... you have to let the situation run its course; without contact. If it is meant to be, it is not right now, still so fresh. Things and circumstances require space and time to change, and that won't happen so early. Maybe in six months. A year. Several years. Who knows, but if you were to reconcile, most likely the emotional environment would be re-created, and the original problems would resurface. Remember that any contact, even minimum, is like poking a wound, keeping it fresh. The bleeding has to stop for the pain to stop. You need a scar, not a wound. Old analogy? Of course... but it is still, to me, the best one.

[DrMario]

This thread rings a lot of bells for me, it feels very similar to the break up I had, I don't really know how to advise you as I am in your position myself and I'm torn on whether to hang around or move on with my life without her, I feel I'm at a point now where it really doesn't matter for me whichever way it turns out, she vanished and I had to learn to live without her the hard way, I met somebody recently who I have a lot in common with and I feel like I could fall for her the more time I spend in her company, my ex is always in my heart and mind but it's just nice to know there's hope whichever way it goes, I feel I'm getting to a point where I need to make a concrete decision on whether or not I want to be with her in the future if she did come back one day, I feel you probably need to do the same, everybody needs closure, sometimes you need to find it on your own by making your own decisions.

[PocketBlues]

We more often than not don't know what we want. We get comfortable with situations (even if they are bad) and feel afraid of change. Any change comes with challenges. Specially when relationships end and we are sad, it's hard to picture a better future. Maybe that's why your ex is asking for time. He wants to be sure he can deal with this, with the idea of not having you.

 

Yeah, it's no fair on you, but life is not fair. Someone has always to make the first step, and the second and maybe the third. If your ex has depression, it makes things a lot harder because feelings come and go and he probably can't control it.

 

So if he is asking for time and you still love him and think you could be happy, give him some time. Tell it to him and keep working on yourself.

 

In the mean time, if you want to start meeting new people, do it carefully because you will realize life can go on without your ex.

 

Good luck!