Ex-bf went back to ex-fiancee - need support

[Rocci di Persia]

Long story. Won't bore you all with it and already in another thread if you care to read via my profile.

 

Otherwise tl;dr I was in a relationship for 2 years and he dumped me out of the blue. Pretty much said he was going to go back to his ex-fiancee who he was previously with for 7 years and then I found out he did and within a short span of time. They both cheated on each other. He cheated on her with me and she cheated on him to get back at him with a married man.

 

I've been pretty devastated since and tried to pick myself up. Went NC immediately and have kept it up for almost 4 months now. Even though I feel extreme longing for my ex, I know I will never initiate contact. I've had a few good days but mostly bad days. Today is a bad day.

 

I started online dating but it's not going anywhere and I don't have many high hopes for it. Went to dinner with a really lovely man last week that I met off POF but I felt nothing. It actually made me feel worse because we otherwise got along well.

 

Just looking for some words of wisdom to get me back on track and wondering if anyone else went through something similar. How did you pick yourself back up?

 

Also would be interested on views on the infidelity angle. I can't wrap my mind around how two people who cheated on each other would try to make it work. How does that even work?

[Alamo657]

Just looking for some words of wisdom to get me back on track and wondering if anyone else went through something similar. How did you pick yourself back up?

This is a harsh lesson that you can only learn by living it : cheaters will always be cheaters. Hopefully it was your first and last time.

 

Also would be interested on views on the infidelity angle. I can't wrap my mind around how two people who cheated on each other would try to make it work. How does that even work?

 

They both think they made a mistake... or in 2 weeks time he'll come back saying they broke up again. who knows. Given their unstable personnalities, it won't be a stable relationship.

[Rocci di Persia]

They're getting married.

[renny]

Listen.

 

Your ex, and the girl he left you for are both basket cases. You're in pain because you still have feeling for him, and the fact you got dumped makes you even more miserable. There is no magic spell that is going to make you suddenly ok. It's going to take time to get past this, and open your heart again. Lay off dating for a while until you feel that healing is taking place, stay busy, do things with family and friends to distract you from thinking of him constantly. As for those two, trust me, they deserve each other. Don't obsess over the reasons for them being together. Misery loves company. Don't be part of it any longer than nessesary.

[Rocci di Persia]

Thanks, Renny. Just need more people talking sense into me.

[TheTraveler]

They're getting married.

 

Maybe they finally realized they were meant to be together.

[Rocci di Persia]

When I met him he was recently engaged to her. He told me she pressured him to propose because she was getting old (she's 31). He said he should have broken up with her ages ago but settled because he got used to her. When he broke up with me he said he felt guilty she stayed with him for 7 years and got nothing out of it. She told him he had wasted her time. He wasn't even sure if she was still with the married man she was having an affair with/rebounding with but he said he felt it was his duty still after all this time to offer to marry her. There was pressure from families and her.

[Rocci di Persia]

I am presuming they are getting married. It's the end game. When I asked him if he was going to marry her he said probably.

[minimariah]

When he broke up with me he said he felt guilty she stayed with him for 7 years and got nothing out of it.

 

after TWO years of being with you...? i doubt he went back to her for the reasons he says he did -- i'm sure he told her you were nothing more than a lapse in judgement; just like he told you she was nothing more than an obligation.

 

give yourself time - he wasn't honest with you. keep that in mind and use it to help yourself heal & for a daily reminder that this just isn't the man for you.

 

& do NOT think too much about their relationship. who knows what will happen with them and it shouldn't be relevant to you anyway. he made his choice, he did what's best for him and nothing more is to be said or done.

[marky00]

When I met him he was recently engaged to her. He told me she pressured him to propose because she was getting old (she's 31). He said he should have broken up with her ages ago but settled because he got used to her. When he broke up with me he said he felt guilty she stayed with him for 7 years and got nothing out of it. She told him he had wasted her time. He wasn't even sure if she was still with the married man she was having an affair with/rebounding with but he said he felt it was his duty still after all this time to offer to marry her. There was pressure from families and her.

 

its pretty rare for sum1 to go back to a relationship based on guilt.

 

I suppose it possible if the guilt and shame is severe but if that's the only reason, they will break up again within weeks.

 

Maybe her moving on and cheating on him back tweaked something in him. You see people only tend to feel Sorry or Guilty when they they feel they lost something or they made a mistake etc. Such feelings often don't crop up until the other person appears to have moved on and acted prideful.

 

That's one possibility. Otherwise its something else he din't want to say why. One day you my get the answer, through working it our yourself or if contact is broken down the line.

[Satu]

SNIP:

 

 

I started online dating but it's not going anywhere and I don't have many high hopes for it. Went to dinner with a really lovely man last week that I met off POF but I felt nothing. It actually made me feel worse because we otherwise got along well.

 

 

Its too soon for you to be dating. You're not ready.

 

Spend some time with yourself, on yourself, by yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[Rocci di Persia]

I didn't expect any further comments but I really needed the support still so thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

[DarkHorizon]

The key here is to keep your mind distracted so you can avoid ruminating thoughts about them. Remember the mind is habitual, and tends to be compulsive, obssessive and delusional (as in making up scenarios). In the end, to you and your mental health, who cares what they will do or why. The key is to turn the focus of attention from them to yourself. The more you practice that, the less it will hurt. Easy? Of course not. You can't stop the thoughts crom coming, but you can try to stay distracted so those toughts will have a hard time occupying your mind.

[Rocci di Persia]

Thank you, DarkHorizon. I realise the problem is that I am probably not busy enough. I wake up in the morning and it's still the first thing I think about and it eats me up alive for the rest of the day. I thought at 4 months I'd be much better but I think since last month when it was confirmed that they are actually together it set me back.

[renny]

Thank you, DarkHorizon. I realise the problem is that I am probably not busy enough. I wake up in the morning and it's still the first thing I think about and it eats me up alive for the rest of the day. I thought at 4 months I'd be much better but I think since last month when it was confirmed that they are actually together it set me back.

 

I know how you feel. That twisting feeling in your gut that literally makes you feel sick. Its torture. You can't get away from it. It permeates your very being. Especially at night during the quiet times. Its the worst. I literally found myself more than once jumping up in the middle of the night wanting to drive by my ex's house, wondering if someone was there with her. Thank god self control took over. Nothing is going to release your pain other than time. Time, family, and a nice guy that you can date casually when you're ready, someone to take up your time as just a good friend and perhaps more as time passes. You will always care for your ex, but eventually the pain will fade to a dull throb, then to a memory that Will cause some sadness, but absolutely bearable. Stay strong, life moves on. I know from experience.