Struggling a bit, thoughts?

[NS14]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here- I've spent the last few months reading through the threads here and its helped my a lot.

 

My story (its a long one, sorry):

my ex boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 months ago. He was my first love, we had an amazing connection for the first 2 years and a year ago we moved in together and he told me I was the love of his life and best friend.

However last year was intense for external reasons- we both moved to a new city where we didn't know many people, started new stressful jobs, and on top of that were studying for some tough exams for our careers. So our days turned into study/long days at work/not much sleep/not much socialising/eating unhealthily/and only seeing each other. It became quite claustrophobic and stressful. Even though we're in our mid-late 20s, this was the first relationship for me and first LTR for him and we were extremely relationship naive and bad at communication- we hadn't had a lot of fights in our relationship, but the fights that we did have, we didn't spend time resolving we just let things settle and kept going.

Also early on in the year, I received some bad personal news and I reacted badly- instead of turning to him, I pushed him away, lashed out/ignored him for 2 days- it was horrible and I regretted it soon after, apologised profusely, gave him space and eventually he forgave me- although I don't think he ever forgot what I did. He stopped telling me that he loved me. Ever since then, I threw myself into supporting him- listening to him, taking care of the house, having dinner sorted, giving him space to do the things he enjoyed and just doing little things for him. But that also meant that I didn't look after myself, was doing the bulk of the work for the relationship and became withdrawn and frustrated. We bickered but didn't have any big fights. This continued for months and we never sat down, talked it through and addressed things.

In October he broke up with me, told me it just wasn't working out and I calmly accepted it. He was distraught, I was numb in shock. He came back 2 days later and asked to get back together. I was elated, didn't think it through and immediately said yes. We talked about communicating better. He started telling me that he loved me almost every day. Even though we were talking more openly, we didn't change our behaviour- and the dynamic had changed, I was vulnerable and fearful of making a mistake, he started being mean and impatient. 3 weeks later, he broke up with me again- initially he asked for space and I was caught off guard and became emotional. By the end of the discussion he told me that he didn't love me and didn't see a future together, but that he cared about me deeply. He didn't want to tell me the reasons because he "didn't want to say anything hurtful about me" but that we were two different people. I gave him space, left the apartment to stay elsewhere and then a week later came back and calmly talked about us and asked to get back together. His demeanour was quite cold and he said no. I left the apartment again and moved out. I went NC ever since then because I was so hurt. I didn't see him again, blocked him from my phone, turned my fb off. The only contact we had, was me sending some emails to sort out our apartment. He's replied and was quite friendly in the emails but I never engaged and kept things business. I think initially he sounded relieved and he went out and spent time with his friends and was quite happy. But I think the fact that I've ignored him, being quite cold, moved out and didn't beg/chase after him has made him feel quite guilty- he started asking if I was ok, telling me to call him if I ever needed help with anything etc a month ago (which I didn't respond to). He hasn't tried to initiate any contact. I also reacted in anger when I moved out and left the stuff that reminded me of him behind and didn't come back for it (very immature, I know )- so I think he thinks I hate him.

 

So now its been 3 months since the 2nd break up and I've had time to reflect on the relationship with a bit more of a clearer mind. I would obviously love to have another chance but I can see that the writing is on the wall and this is out of my control now. I've been trying to pick myself up and move on. But its been hard, and one of the things that's stopping me is that I feel guilty that I hurt him. I never got a chance to hear his reasons but I think deep down, I know how I hurt him. That's not to say he didn't make mistakes either. We were just too immature and didn't nurture our relationship.

 

So my question: should I take the chance to send him a brief letter (1 paragraph at most) apologising for specific things and wishing him well for the future. Not asking for him back.

Or is it too soon/ will it make me look desperate or like I'm not moving on? Or will it look pretty random given I've ignored him for the last 2.5 months?

If I do send the letter, should I email it to him or write a letter (or will that look like I'm trying too hard).

And I want to send it so that he knows my thoughts, not because I want him to reply or restart contact (too soon, we both haven't had enough time to change/ work on ourselves).

 

I know that continuing NC is the best way of moving on, but I can't seem to move past this. I've been thinking about this letter for weeks- pushing it out of my mind and then always coming back to it. I know its best to give him space and if there was any chance of trying again, it would have to be because he changed his mind and came back. But I really want to let him know that I don't hate him, that I do care about him and want him to be happy, and I understand that this was a two way street, that he must have been so hurt to walk away from a 3 year relationship and that I have actually thought about and accepted the mistakes that I've made.

 

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading, its just been so confusing in my head and I can't seem to make any progress.

Edited January 19, 2016 by NS14

[Buddhist]

What you're seeking here is closure. Only send the letter if you can do it without expectations. Meaning you send it because sending it gives you something emotionally rewarding and helps you move on from where you are. If you are sending it for any other reason, then it's not a good idea.

[jen1447]

3 months for the end of a long relationship is too short to gain any perspective. It's unfortunate the two of you didn't 'close' it properly but what's done is done. (And he's party to blame for that by not telling you why when you asked.) Anyway it's too soon to have any kind of baring of the soul that'll be meaningful to him and ultimately satisfying to you.

 

I'd suggest you do write the letter/email, just bc writing stuff down helps you to exorcise feelings and frustrations and all that. But don't send it (yet). Let it sit for another 6 months and see how you feel about it then. In the meantime it just is what it is and nothing's really gonna change that.

 

((Hugs))

[NS14]

Thank you for your replies. I was doing ok and keeping myself busy before but I've been really emotional in the last week and I feel like I've fallen apart again. I think initially I was reading a lot of reconciliation stories and the little bit of hope kept me going but now the realities of the break up and the relationship are sinking in and it's dawning on me how finished everything is. And that because we didn't have a final honest discussion, we both kind of just walked away. You're right, I'm seeking closure but it just wasn't possible back then and now it's eating me up inside.

Because of this, I can't seem to kill this denial/hope of reconciliation completely, despite the clear evidence. And I can't help but think that as the months pass, he'll move on, not to a rebound, but someone else that he'll genuinely fall in love with. When we had such happy times together (literally this time last year we were both so thankful for finding each other) and both just destroyed this friendship and love in such a short time without evening trying to fix it when we could have.

So no I'm definitely not emotionally ready. But I can't help thinking - is there a way to send this but for him not to reply now. So that he knows that I don't hate him, that this relationship meant a lot to me and that I truly am sorry for hurting him. I know that sending the letter will help me get some closure. And that it would purely be for my selfish needs, although I would hope that it would also help make him feel less like I hated him and know that he is still cared about. And I would hope that when the hurt dies down for him over the rest of the year, that if he did want to reconcile then he would feel like he could reach out in the future. But I wouldn't be ready if he were to reply now (no matter what his response was).

Or is that just wishful thinking, what's done is done?

 

Thank you for listening- I know how confused I sound, but it helps just to get this out so that I'm not just in my own head.

[darkbloom]

Don't send the email.

 

Three months is still an emotional storm to get through.

 

NOTHING he responds with will make you feel better. I promise you. Even if he said he wanted to get back together: you'd still be looking over your shoulder waiting for the next shoe to drop.

 

Go over to the thread: post here instead of contacting your ex. Post the letter there. It'll make you feel better and you won't hate yourself afterwards.

 

Trust us. I'm 13 months in NC.

[not-a-drive-by]

You will go through ups and downs during this healing process. Some days you will feel that you are moving on and other days, you're at the bottom of the pit. It's normal.

 

Don't send the letter. If it makes you feel better, write it out and stash is somewhere. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't need to apologize to him. The letter won't make him change his mind about the breakup. The main thing is to look after yourself and not his wellbeing.

 

The best thing to do is not hold onto hope for a reconciliation. I spent months doing that after my first breakup and it was fruitless. Learn from this relationship and move on.

 

*hugs*

[ChickiePops]

Honest questions (based on experience): do you want him back, and are you going to obsess about this if you DON'T send the email?

[NS14]

Ahh dear, I've let today turn into a giant emotional pit of despair for me And with no real recent trigger (although possibly the anniversary of us moving in together has something to do with it). I don't have a lot of friends to talk to about this so thank you for letting me vent on this thread (and thank you for the hugs! Much needed).

 

 

Honest questions (based on experience): do you want him back, and are you going to obsess about this if you DON'T send the email?

I do want him back. I don't think any of our communication problems were insurmountable (not to minimise them) and I feel like if both of us actually pulled our finger out and tried, we could overcome this and our relationship could be so strong. And I think being broken up and NC has driven home to me that these challenges are meant to be faced so that we can grow and learn, not run away. But he's left so its completely one sided.

I've sat on this letter for a couple of weeks now and its still on my mind. I do have some days where I just say stuff it, he walked away, keep doing NC but it only lasts 1-2 days. I think if its still keeping me up at night in a month then I probably should send it, get it over and done with and face the consequences. The only problem is that he's moving out in a couple of weeks so I won't know his address in a month and email might be a bit impersonal for this sort of thing?

 

You will go through ups and downs during this healing process. Some days you will feel that you are moving on and other days, you're at the bottom of the pit. It's normal.

Don't send the letter. If it makes you feel better, write it out and stash is somewhere. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't need to apologize to him. The letter won't make him change his mind about the breakup. The main thing is to look after yourself and not his wellbeing.

The best thing to do is not hold onto hope for a reconciliation. I spent months doing that after my first breakup and it was fruitless. Learn from this relationship and move on.

 

*hugs*

 

I so want to learn from this- I think there are so many lessons here for me that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. But it pains me that we couldn't learn from our relationship challenges inside the relationship together. Our issues were things that other couples go through as well/ did not involve any major things like infidelity or abuse. I guess these are all 'what ifs' though and the longer I allow myself to stay in this mindset, the harder moving on is.

And it is so hard to not look out for his wellbeing, I spent so long putting him first and I still deeply care about him and don't want to see him hurt. Which is ridiculous considering how much he's hurt me by walking away, after telling me throughout the relationship that "I was his first and only love" and that "he'd never be able to break up with me." I believed him. I'm such a fool.

[NS14]

Don't send the email.

 

Three months is still an emotional storm to get through.

 

NOTHING he responds with will make you feel better. I promise you. Even if he said he wanted to get back together: you'd still be looking over your shoulder waiting for the next shoe to drop.

 

Go over to the thread: post here instead of contacting your ex. Post the letter there. It'll make you feel better and you won't hate yourself afterwards.

 

Trust us. I'm 13 months in NC.

 

Thank you, that's a great idea- I'll post my letter in that thread. Get it off my chest for tonight at least.

I feel like I'm way too emotionally labile to even know what to do if a reconciliation was to drop into my lap right now. I definitely wouldn't jump straight back in like last time. I just wish it would be a possibility in the future. I wish we would both work on ourselves individually (I'm certainly trying on my end) and reconcile. But I'm pretty sure my story has every element of finality- "I don't love you," "there's no future for us," "were there any happy times in our relationship?", "I'm moving out", his immediate relief afterwards, the pitying look on his face afterwards, him not even trying to initiate contact and my screwing things up further by being emotional when he broke up with me again and being immature later when I left all the stuff that reminded me of him behind in the apartment. There's absolutely nothing in common with any of the other successful reconciliation stories out there. And YET I can't seem to let go.

[NS14]

I'm struggling to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time because I'm racked with guilt- I wake up with flashbacks of things that I said and did that were wrong. There were no major things like cheating/abuse, just day to day (not every day) bickering + my horrible 2 day running away/ignoring/lashing out episode. He also made mistakes but I'm hyper focusing on what I did wrong and I can't seem to remember things that he did wrong properly anymore.

 

Does anyone have any strategies for moving through the guilt? I seem to be able to distract myself a little but then it comes back with a vengeance.

[mightycpa]

I want to send it so that he knows my thoughts

That's almost exactly right! That's very insightful of you. But the actual reason you want to send it is so that you know that he knows your thoughts. It is to comfort you.

 

The only trouble with your plan is that you're doing it because you think that will make you feel better. It won't, at least, not for long.

 

Right now, you're probably obsessing over how to deliver it, exactly what to say, what not to say, what tone you should take, etc. I have to imagine you're doing re-write after re-write, to get it just perfect. That doesn't make you feel good, it makes you worry. It makes you seek advice from strangers on the internet. Think about that.

 

Then, assuming you figure it out and deliver it, you're going to start second-guessing yourself. Why did I say that? I should have said it this way. You could take this sentence two ways. I should have said that other thing! What does he think about this? What does he think about me?

 

Suppose he answers you with a quick text: Thanks for the note.

 

Or what if it is a long, explanatory letter with philosophical wisdom and deep emotion and all sorts of things, but it doesn't say what you want it to say?

 

What if he showed up at your doors with flowers, and said "I want you back, baby!"

 

Or what if there's no reply at all? You'll always wonder if it is coming today. You'll dread looking at your email, or getting your snail mail, or answering the phone from a strange number or even the door.

 

The thing about NC is that it's difficult for at least one of the exes. Usually, very difficult, and you're experiencing the tug of weakness right now.

 

There's no rainbow at the end of your letter. Better not to send it at all. Honestly, I think you had this almost universal experience a little late in your life. Don't worry, you'll get through it without him.

Edited January 20, 2016 by mightycpa

[Learningtowalkagain]

I'm struggling to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time because I'm racked with guilt- I wake up with flashbacks of things that I said and did that were wrong. There were no major things like cheating/abuse, just day to day (not every day) bickering + my horrible 2 day running away/ignoring/lashing out episode. He also made mistakes but I'm hyper focusing on what I did wrong and I can't seem to remember things that he did wrong properly anymore.

 

Does anyone have any strategies for moving through the guilt? I seem to be able to distract myself a little but then it comes back with a vengeance.

 

The sleep thing is a killer, went through that last week. Melatonin worked fine but once the problems started rolling in I needed something stronger. I went to my doc and got a prescription, he says you'll sleep an easy 8 hours on this. I'm at around 5-6 hours a night but that's way better than the 1-2 I was getting before that.

 

Good things to do to move on that have helped me: Go to the gym. If you can't get a good workout in still go and do something. Walk on a treadmill for 10 minutes, but just go. Gyms have a positive psychological effect on people...the atmosphere, smell, everything. Start a new hobby. Read...I've read 5 books in the past 2 weeks. Most of them are self help but they take your mind off of things and help you gain perspective. Try meditation. It worked for me for a few weeks, once I became an emotional wreck it just did nothing for me at all. Go out with friends, go see family. Just don't sit in your house wallowing. I wanted to improve my posture, so I started going to a chiropractor tonight. That was a nice hour I didn't think of her.

 

Breaking up sucks. We've all been through it otherwise we wouldn't be in this section. Stick to NC, eventually things will get easier. I blocked my ex's phone number, unfriended her and any friends/family of hers on fb. Yesterday she instant messaged me to see if I wanted to "hang out" some time, I declined and said I do not want a friendship with her. You need to be firm. The relationship ended for a reason. I've never experienced worse pain then I have when a relationship has ended. I was in the military, have ptsd, that pales in comparison to what I go through when I break up with someone.

 

You'll get through this, just stop torturing yourself and try to focus on you.

[NS14]

Mightycpa- you're absolutely right, the letter is purely so that I know that he knows my thoughts, because at the end- I never got to say this stuff to him (and it took the clarity that distance provides to even know I wanted to say this to him). The act of sending the letter will probably help unburden me of some guilt. But I'm not ready to hear a response from him. Good or bad, I'm in no emotional state to be rejected one last time, keep wondering if he doesn't answer, or be back in a relationship where I don't trust myself or him.

What a terrible state of affairs. This has ripped my confidence to shreds.

 

Learningtowalkagain- thank you for the tips, I was doing all of those things before- new hobby, going to the gym, new look for myself, spending time with family and friends, and it helped! It got me through the initial period and I started developing a healthy routine. But then I started letting things slip- I started obsessing over details for hours --> stopped sleeping --> too tired to exercise --> worse sleep --> lost my appetite --> just want to spend all my time crying in a ball again. And now its a vicious cycle I guess I did it before and now I need to just start reintroducing things one at a time.

[DarkHorizon]

If you believe he still loves you - not just by what he tells you, but based on his actions - that's one thing. If you believe he doesn't love you, then the best option is to accept his decisions it and reflect on the "I want him back" position. You obviously don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you.

[Learningtowalkagain]

 

Learningtowalkagain- thank you for the tips, I was doing all of those things before- new hobby, going to the gym, new look for myself, spending time with family and friends, and it helped! It got me through the initial period and I started developing a healthy routine. But then I started letting things slip- I started obsessing over details for hours --> stopped sleeping --> too tired to exercise --> worse sleep --> lost my appetite --> just want to spend all my time crying in a ball again. And now its a vicious cycle I guess I did it before and now I need to just start reintroducing things one at a time.

 

I do all of those things once I go through a break up. Its a great distraction but it's hard to keep up with such a busy routine. Eventually when you slow down the grieving that you ignored slowly creeps it's way in. You said you're obsessing, do you suffer from any mental illness? I suffer from OCD, so breaks ups suffocate me. It might not be a bad idea to seek professional help if you're having this many issues. There's no shame in seeking professional help...pretty much every person I've ever known has had counseling/therapy of some sort. You don't need to go through this on your own. I usually feel good for a day or two after my therapy sessions end.

[NS14]

If you believe he still loves you - not just by what he tells you, but based on his actions - that's one thing. If you believe he doesn't love you, then the best option is to accept his decisions it and reflect on the "I want him back" position. You obviously don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you.

I think I'm so emotional now because this week its sunk in that there is no hope. I created hope to keep me going. His words were that he didn't love me and that was backed up by his actions, he left, he's respected my decision for NC and he hasn't looked back.

Its just shattering to slowly come to that realisation. I'm not going to be sending any letters.

 

I do all of those things once I go through a break up. Its a great distraction but it's hard to keep up with such a busy routine. Eventually when you slow down the grieving that you ignored slowly creeps it's way in. You said you're obsessing, do you suffer from any mental illness? I suffer from OCD, so breaks ups suffocate me. It might not be a bad idea to seek professional help if you're having this many issues. There's no shame in seeking professional help...pretty much every person I've ever known has had counseling/therapy of some sort. You don't need to go through this on your own. I usually feel good for a day or two after my therapy sessions end.

You're right, I was grieving at the start for a month and then I started reading reconciliation stories and built up this hope that I would be one. I think that interrupted my grieving and I went back into denial. Now that's all catching up with me and it feels like being hit by a sledgehammer.

I've been seeing a psychologist regularly since the break up and its been helpful, but this week I feel like I need someone 24/7 which is ridiculous and not possible.

 

I'm just in total disbelief that a year ago exactly, we were moving in together and today we're just strangers who don't talk to each other.

[jen1447]

I'm just in total disbelief that a year ago exactly, we were moving in together and today we're just strangers who don't talk to each other.

 

That was always the toughest thing for me - thinking that a month ago I knew what he had for lunch every day and then now I don't even particularly know for sure if he's even alive. :-/

[NS14]

That was always the toughest thing for me - thinking that a month ago I knew what he had for lunch every day and then now I don't even particularly know for sure if he's even alive. :-/

 

Exactly, I have no idea what he's doing and that's protected me in some ways, but its still so sad. I used to be so excited to see him walk in through the door and now its been 3 months.