Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 So I recently met this woman who disclosed this about her past. Too much information IMO 1. Promiscuous sexual behavior when single 2. Past abortion 3. Two prior STD's. Chlamydia and HPV 4. having a sugar daddy when in her 20's 5. affair with married man (she says unknowingly) 6. Separated from husband since 2012, but still legally married (due to financial reasons, just never got around to filing...her words) What if any of these would be red flag/ deal breaker for you? They all bother me a little, but all of us have pasts and things we regret, especially when we hit our 30's
magnolialove Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 The legally married thing could be really messy. Are they living together? That's an awful long time to be separated without filing. The STDs thing is pretty concerning to me. It's great that she told you about them up front, but the pessimist in me would wonder if she's only disclosing two when there may be more. Of course, I don't know her or the conversations you've had with her, and neither is super unusual particularly if she was promiscuous. I would have a bit of an issue with past promiscuity, but that's a very personal thing, and it can mean different things to different people. If you feel uncomfortable with it, take it as a red flag and listen to your gut. Maybe tread lightly for now. Good luck! 1
J21 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Sorry for being blunt, but if you aren't too involved it would be easier to find someone else without all that baggage. Seems like a landmine to navigate all that. 1
Nilfiry Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Honestly? All of it. They all add up to build a very negative picture. It is harder to change habits and personality than to move mountains and rivers, as the ancient saying goes, especially if she is not showing much signs of being more responsible.
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 The legally married thing could be really messy. Are they living together? That's an awful long time to be separated without filing. The STDs thing is pretty concerning to me. It's great that she told you about them up front, but the pessimist in me would wonder if she's only disclosing two when there may be more. Of course, I don't know her or the conversations you've had with her, and neither is super unusual particularly if she was promiscuous. I would have a bit of an issue with past promiscuity, but that's a very personal thing, and it can mean different things to different people. If you feel uncomfortable with it, take it as a red flag and listen to your gut. Maybe tread lightly for now. Good luck! They have not lived together since 2012, but still talk about "tax and money stuff"
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Honestly? All of it. They all add up to build a very negative picture. It is harder to change habits and personality than to move mountains and rivers, as the ancient saying goes, especially if she is not showing much signs of being more responsible. Thanks, she says she has changed, but kinda has a glib dismissive attitude about her past. Am I being too insecure? Or can past behavior be indicative to future behavior no matter how much people say they have changed?
Ami1uwant Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 So I recently met this woman who disclosed this about her past. Too much information IMO 1. Promiscuous sexual behavior when single 2. Past abortion 3. Two prior STD's. Chlamydia and HPV 4. having a sugar daddy when in her 20's 5. affair with married man (she says unknowingly) 6. Separated from husband since 2012, but still legally married (due to financial reasons, just never got around to filing...her words) What if any of these would be red flag/ deal breaker for you? They all bother me a little, but all of us have pasts and things we regret, especially when we hit our 30's Explain 1...tell me how it isn't sexist???? We're 5 his a guy there would be no issue. 2. Why does it matter, it happened, she has a right to not have a kid. 3. BeING With Someone AND They Say Single But 5hey Are Not US 9n THEIR end. Same with stds if it's because she wS with them f9r 6 months. They cheated, got it gave yo her. 4. Is sugar daddy your definition because 5hey were only 8 yrs apart 5 the separation...I've seen these. Sometimes it's done to prevent problems with in estments ..like not forcing to sell assets when market bottomed out, sometimes it's done if women has complex medical condition that she really needs insurance but is impossible g9r her income.
soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 OP, how do you feel about this woman? If you were able to forget her past (we all have them, maybe not to her extent) would you have a happy relationship do you think? Did she spill this to you on a first date? Not sure of the background info on this. I think it's not good practice to judge a person for having a life before you met them, however do agree that caution is relevant. 2
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 So I recently met this woman who disclosed this about her past. Too much information IMO 1. Promiscuous sexual behavior when single 2. Past abortion 3. Two prior STD's. Chlamydia and HPV 4. having a sugar daddy when in her 20's 5. affair with married man (she says unknowingly) 6. Separated from husband since 2012, but still legally married (due to financial reasons, just never got around to filing...her words) What if any of these would be red flag/ deal breaker for you? They all bother me a little, but all of us have pasts and things we regret, especially when we hit our 30's Did you ask these questions or she just volunteered this? How many dates you've had? None of this should be a deal breaker on its own but what is a deal breaker is that she felt she had to spit her gut to you. Unless you asked. 1. She had no business disclosing this 2. Same thing not something that concerns you 3. HPV is the only one she needed to clear with you 4. Too much information no man wants to hear 5. Same thing unnecessary and too much you don't need to know 6. Not such a big deal. Took 10 years for my divorce to go through. It would be a deal breaker if they still live under the same roof.
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 OP, how do you feel about this woman? If you were able to forget her past (we all have them, maybe not to her extent) would you have a happy relationship do you think? Did she spill this to you on a first date? Not sure of the background info on this. I think it's not good practice to judge a person for having a life before you met them, however do agree that caution is relevant. I'm not really sure. I think I could be happy with her, but there are other issues. She can be borderline verbally abusive at times and judge me of things that are not nearly as heavy as her past. No, did not disclose on a first date. We've been off and on over a period of months, and this was stuff she disclosed fairly early on. TBH, I don't want all the details of someone's sexual past. On one hand, I appreciate her confiding in me, on the other hand its a bit much to digest, but maybe I am just being too sensitive?
oregon0011 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 So I recently met this woman who disclosed this about her past. Too much information IMO 1. Promiscuous sexual behavior when single 2. Past abortion 3. Two prior STD's. Chlamydia and HPV 4. having a sugar daddy when in her 20's 5. affair with married man (she says unknowingly) 6. Separated from husband since 2012, but still legally married (due to financial reasons, just never got around to filing...her words) What if any of these would be red flag/ deal breaker for you? They all bother me a little, but all of us have pasts and things we regret, especially when we hit our 30's 1. That won't change. 2. For many women this is heavy emotional baggage. If you have kids with her Che might think of what she aborted. 3. Obviously promiscuous and unprotected sex 4 prostituion. Probably had more than one sugar daddy. Highly unlikely she just had 1 5 probably slept with many married men as a prostitute 6 this part is the least of your worries. 1
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Did you ask these questions or she just volunteered this? How many dates you've had? None of this should be a deal breaker on its own but what is a deal breaker is that she felt she had to spit her gut to you. Unless you asked. 1. She had no business disclosing this 2. Same thing not something that concerns you 3. HPV is the only one she needed to clear with you 4. Too much information no man wants to hear 5. Same thing unnecessary and too much you don't need to know 6. Not such a big deal. Took 10 years for my divorce to go through. It would be a deal breaker if they still live under the same roof. Thanks Gaeta, very good point! I was kind of thinking the same thing, why even disclose this stuff in the first place?
oregon0011 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Thanks Gaeta, very good point! I was kind of thinking the same thing, why even disclose this stuff in the first place? Because she might not be very into you? Maybe she is mental? I had a girl do the same. Out of nowhere tell me all the guys she banged. 1
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 She can be borderline verbally abusive at times and judge me of things that are not nearly as heavy as her past. This should be your number 1 in your list of red flags. This is a definitive deal breaker for me. Life is hard enough as it is without having to deal with someone verbally abusive and judgmental. This right there indicates she is not long term relationship material or parent material. 2
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 BTW, "sugar daddy" is not a term I am using on my own. She used it to describe "a relationship" with a guy old enough to be her dad who had a lot of wealth
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Thanks Gaeta, very good point! I was kind of thinking the same thing, why even disclose this stuff in the first place? After learning she is verbally abusive and judgmental I think she disclosed this because she has over all a poor character. 1
soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Thanks Gaeta, very good point! I was kind of thinking the same thing, why even disclose this stuff in the first place? Had you tried asking her why she wanted to spill her guts so early on? You could maybe approach it from 'I think it's great you're so open, can I ask, was it something about me that you wanted to confide in?' and see how she responds? She sounds like she has been through a lot, yes, it may have been poor life choices on her part but I think if you feel something for her, it shouldn't be discounted. As far as promiscuity goes, what is promiscuous to one may be vanilla to another. Women are allowed to have as much sex as they want. If you really feel these points she raised are too much for you, the kinder thing would be to move on.
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 BTW, "sugar daddy" is not a term I am using on my own. She used it to describe "a relationship" with a guy old enough to be her dad who had a lot of wealth Do you think she was bragging about it?
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Had you tried asking her why she wanted to spill her guts so early on? You could maybe approach it from 'I think it's great you're so open, can I ask, was it something about me that you wanted to confide in?' and see how she responds? Not really, I would like to know why, but just not sure how to approach it, but the way you explained seems good
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Do you think she was bragging about it? Not so much bragging about it, but kind of glib and talked about all the nice restaurants and trips she went to with this guy. She told me how they would skip tabs on restaurant bills and thought it was funny. I called her on it, and she got really defensive and said not to judge her.
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Not so much bragging about it, but kind of glib and talked about all the nice restaurants and trips she went to with this guy. She told me how they would skip tabs on restaurant bills and thought it was funny. I called her on it, and she got really defensive and said not to judge her. I don't mean to offend but don't you find it all a bit trashy? What exactly do you find attractive in her? (other than physical) 2
Author Lobouspo Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 I don't mean to offend but don't you find it all a bit trashy? What exactly do you find attractive in her? (other than physical) Lol, no offense whatsoever. I think its kind of trashy behavior, but I wonder if that's me just being too insecure focusing on the past. Other than the physical, she is educated, smart, and is a professional, but I get what you are saying. She says she has changed, and did say she has never cheated or been unfaithful in her own relationships
basil67 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 You're right that we all have pasts. It's all part of who we are today. Someone's past doesn't bother me a lot - it's who they are now which really counts
oregon0011 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 She seems insecure as well. Like validated that she had so much sex b as if that is difficult to do being a woman lol. Obviously not the same as a promiscuous man. Sorry ladies. I asked the girl I was seeing why she told me these things. And she said she was just being honest. But I never even asked. I think the affect it had was basically to make me wonder what she was doing when she wouldn't return a text or call as I knew she was easy. So it was manipulative in my view.
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Lol, no offense whatsoever. I think its kind of trashy behavior, but I wonder if that's me just being too insecure focusing on the past. Other than the physical, she is educated, smart, and is a professional, but I get what you are saying. She says she has changed, and did say she has never cheated or been unfaithful in her own relationships And how long ago was that past of hers? I notice you are not naming any character qualities or any common interest or common life values. You just say she is educated and a professional.
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