Treasa Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I love my boyfriend, he loves me. We've been together for a year now, although we've had ups and downs. I see him a couple of times a week, although he calls me every night for about an hour. However, he's sort of lacking in the affection department, at least at times, and is fairly selfish. My boyfriend is 26, has had a college degree for over three years now, and lives at home with his mom. He makes around $10/hour. Up until about a year ago, when he and his mom moved into their own house, they lived with his father, who was alcoholic and verbally abusive. His mom sought a divorce. His mom is always making dinner for him, doing his laundry, etc. She doesn't want us having sex in her house, and seems threatened by me. Even he's rude to me in her presence, she won't say anything. My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex because his father cheated on his mom and his mom is sort of a prude now. He feels sex and fantasizing about women is somehow disrespectful. He also seems to push me away sometimes. He doesn't want to talk about marriage, I suspect because of his mom, and when I broached the idea of someday getting a house together, he said, "My mom wouldn't be able to maintain this place by herself" even though all he does is mow the grass. He doesn't even pay rent. They've only been away from his father for a year, but should I give up? *sigh* Sometimes things are ok, but now that this has dawned on me, I feel hopeless.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 When he prioritizes his baggage above his girlfriend, then its time to walk. Guys who are really, really into their girlfriends find a way to deal with problems like that without sacrificing the relationship - because they want to place her higher than the baggage. It could be a case of him being emotionally invested in you: but not enough to actually put aside or deal with his baggage. He's got some problems - and certainly his family members do, but it isn't up to you to see that he fixes them. He'll have to do that on his own, and he'll have to WANT to for himself. Let him know that you can't date his baggage, and that should he find a way to deal with it and make some changes to give you a call. Otherwise, you can't see continuing to volunteer for such poor treatment.
sam88921 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 In my opinion, your guy , well that type of guy is the one who is most likely to stick to YOU in the future. Right now his mother needs him and he is sticking with her. And so, possibly if you get married, he will always be there for you because he is showing that he will stick to his loved ones. Give him some time, his dad, so his mom's husband is a sick individual, and if her son leaves she will have nobody else. Try offering some help to your guy when he is helping his mom. For example, if he has to go get something for her, offer to go instead. This way his mom will see how good a person you are and he will realize that you are not trying to rob him away from his mom. But again, this type of man is most likely to stick by your side in the future. What would you prefer? A guy who lets go his mother so he can go clubbing everynight? What does that tell you on how he'll treat you and his own kids in the future?
sam88921 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I totally disagree with you Lucrez... A good man does not leave his mother but tries to bring his girl and his mom closer together.
Author Treasa Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 He knows he has baggage, and he doesn't ask for my help. He just sometimes wants his own space, which he never got with his father, who was always screaming at him. His mom actually likes me, as much as his mom could like anyone when she feels like her boy is being taken from her, and she and I always get along. I like his mom, but wish she'd stop doing everything for him. He's 26. I don't know. I'm so scared to lose him at the moment that I'm freaking out. We didn't have such a hot talk last night, and he pulled away, but he also said he wasn't breaking up with me, and that things were going to be ok. However, in the beginning of our relationship he did break up with me a few times, so I have hard time believing that. We haven't broken up in almost eight months, but I'm still sort of scared about it. I don't think he'll ever get married. Not while his mom is alive. I'm not in a big hurry to get married either, but...ugh. I have a headache.
sam88921 Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Take him and his mother out for a walk near some lake or downtown.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by sam88921 I totally disagree with you Lucrez... A good man does not leave his mother but tries to bring his girl and his mom closer together. I never said he had to leave his mother. Part of fixing the baggage would include working toward what you suggested.
moimeme Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Right now his mother needs him and he is sticking with her. And so, possibly if you get married, he will always be there for you because he is showing that he will stick to his loved ones. I'm sorry but this is bogus. His mother is an adult and has every bit as much access to therapy and professional help as does any adult. This is an unhealthy relationship and this guy has big issues. He's not trying to get a decent job or in any way be independent. Now maybe he's depressed or something, but whatever it is, he's got a lot of big red flags. And mom will always come first, especially when they're married. You got mad at me when I said he's not that into you, but really, like LB said, he would make it a priority to deal with his issues if he really wanted you. He seems lackadaisical about everything in his life, including you. He may have many excellent qualities, but I'm afraid he's got too many issues to be a good prospect for your future. They may have to do with his past or whatever, but as long as he makes no move to do anything to get them repaired, he'll continue in his inertia - living with his mom, not really caring about a job or about learning to fend for himself. And should you manage to talk him into marriage - - you'll end up being his 'mom', probably doing all the work around the house plus bringing in the cash. Sometimes you have to let someone go even despite his good qualities because there are too many problems for him to ever be a real good partner to you. This is one such man.
scarlyjones Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Hmmmmmmmmmm,................so what does that mean??? He doesnt think his Mom can maintain a place by herself,....so is he planning on living WITH her til she dies? Sounds like a mommas boy syndrome is in full effect. I dunno...........maybe bring it to his attention? Most guys dont like finding out that they are being viewed as mommas boys and will immediately change it. Plus,....I'd be a little concerned about his ambition. Ten bucks an hour and he HAS a degree? Whats it in? Whats taking him so long to get INTO his field?
Author Treasa Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 Well, he has tried to find other jobs, actually. Better paying ones. They never call him back. I suspect it has something to do with him having degrees in English and Philosophy. Some people just don't take that seriously. My best friend is having a problem finding any job whatsoever, and he also has a college degree. I've seen my boyfriend apply time and again for better paying jobs. The house....it's a big house. He mows the lawn and helps her out with heavy lifting. I know he likes his mom making dinner, but the weird thing is that he doesn't cling to her or anything. They have dinner together, talk, and then she does her thing and he goes off and does his thing. And he cleans up after himself. He's very clean. He'll do the dishes right after dinner. The divorce and subsequent moving out happend a year ago, and he's still pretty angry at his dad for treating his mom and him the way he did. When I talked to him last night, he said we should see each other more often, now that I've gotten my degree and don't have school during the summer. He also said he was going to try to be more affectionate toward me. He's admitted that he's scared sometimes. My friend, the aforementioned one, thinks I need to give him time and see if he and his mom are willing to try therapy.
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Sounds like maybe hes trying to make up for his dads shortcomings. He MUST know though,..that he cant live with his Mom forever....?
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa My friend, the aforementioned one, thinks I need to give him time and see if he and his mom are willing to try therapy. Explain how much this bothers you and ask him if he's willing to do therapy.
Author Treasa Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones Sounds like maybe hes trying to make up for his dads shortcomings. That pretty much nails it. And yeah, eventually his mom wants to go into assisted living, but that's probably 14 years down the road or so.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Speaking from experience, my parents are having some real troubles now and my dad keeps "moving out" for short periods of time. I live several hours away and can only console my mom on the phone, but my brother lives there in the same town and goes over once or twice a week (or more, depending on the situation). He certainly doesn't still live with them, though, and he's not even quite 23. I do know all about the momma's boy situation, too. My ex (just broke up a week ago) is 28 and still lives with his brother. When their parents come down, she brings them things like milk, bread, toilet paper.... The toilet paper thing always bothered me, and I'm not sure really why. I guess I just thought that they're 28 and can buy their own d@mn toilet paper. You also said, "My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex " ... well let me tell you that is a dangerous road to go down. One of the major reasons my previous relationship fell apart is because we only had sex once in the past 2 years (out of the four we were together). One night of make-up sex and that was it. That creates tons and tons of other issues, like the domino effect. I understand that his mom doesn't want you having sex in her house, and hopefully you obey her wishes since after all, it is HER house, but if you're not having it at your place, beware. It's a sign of other issues in the relationship.
Guest Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 There is something not right in the relationship with his mother... yes i understand he is concerned about her and yes i understand he doesn;t want to leave her alone but he can't replace his father and take care of her the way a man takes care of his wife that is what is going wrong here and the mother is doing it to her son...but she doesn't realize it i've seen this before where there is a loss of the father there then becomes an unhealthy relationship with the mother due to improper coping she has too much control over her son and his life...she is making him dependant on her...eventually she will get sick of it...but it won't help him grow up and be a MAN
Guest Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 My BF has been acting strange lately. He has popular friends and not so popular friends. Whenever he hangs around with the popular crowd all he talks about is my body. Trust me I caught him once never told him about it of coarse but when he hangs around with his average friends he talks about the way he feels about me and everything. He even tells my friends how he feels and they tell me. Sometimes he comes over to my house and just snuggles up with me and rubs my sides alot. He even gives me pecks on the cheek continueously. I think it feels good. So I know that he loves me but why is he talking about me in a discusting way to his popular crew? Is he afraid they'll laugh at him if he tells me his feelings for me? Or is he trying to act like the alfa male infront of them?
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