Not attracted to my girlfriend like I used to be, but I still love her.

[Valario90]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. But lately I've been thinking if this is just because I wouldn't know how to be alone now.

 

I don't feel attracted to her the way I used to. It's quite rare that I get the urge to have sex with her, and whenever I do it comes out of nowhere and she'll say 'oh but I have to do this first or that first', and by the time she's ready my urge is gone. That's another thing as well though - the sex has never been as good as I'd like it to be.

 

I've been thinking more and more about breaking up with her recently, but I can never bring myself to do it because I know how much it will hurt her, and me as well for that matter. Every day I still see the things that made me fall in love with her, and she's my best friend, but I shouldn't have to make an effort to be more attracted to her and I'm not.

 

If anyone has any advice on what I should do or just any comments in general, I would appreciate it hugely!

 

Thank you :-)

[lilmissjava]

I've been thinking more and more about breaking up with her recently, but I can never bring myself to do it because I know how much it will hurt her, and me as well for that matter. Every day I still see the things that made me fall in love with her, and she's my best friend, but I shouldn't have to make an effort to be more attracted to her and I'm not.

 

If you have been thinking more and more about breaking up with her, and have made all attempts at communicating your issues to her and have made solid attempts at bettering your relationship, perhaps you do need a break.

 

Break ups DO hurt. No one emerges emotionally unscathed, especially your girlfriend, whom I suspect would be blindsided with this.

[central]

Love is NOT enough. You have been together long enough that it is difficult to split, but also long enough to now know that this relationship is not going to work for you. I think you have a choice: the short, quick pain of breaking up now, or the long, drawn out pain of discontent that will almost certainly lead to an even MORE painful (for you both) breakup later.

 

 

Don't wait. Break up soon, and stop wasting both your time. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll both heal and be able to move on.

[tasev1]

If I may suggest: "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne. This is a great book on dating and relationships. The key is in there - if you try his advice, then you can probably reinvigorate your relationship, or end it as you see fit.

 

I am currently studying this book, and I think it will help. Follow his YouTube channel too.

[bubby7]

It’s very difficult not feeling attracted to your girlfriend after being in a relationship with her for two years. I have been married to my wife (and best friend) for 36 years and we have had our ups and downs but what has keep us together (and happy) is our commitment to each other and our common goals and values. You might want to spend some time reviewing your goals and values. My wife and I also went for counseling. Good counseling helped us deal with issues that needed to be dealt with that weren’t so obvious to us. Best friends are not easy to find!

[soph-walker]

OP, what has changed in your relationship?

Physical appearance? Careers? Did you start out with intense physical chemistry?

 

I think that you are still able to re-ignite things, although after 2 years I would be surprised that the physical side of things have dwindled so much.

[Gaeta]

Have you talked to her about this?

 

Tell her you need more spontaneity. Tell her she is killing the mood when she wants to change the cat litter before getting in bed with you.

 

Bring back things you use to do together like shower together, get out the candle lights, offer her sexy lingerie, take a weekend away together in a quiet romantic spot.

[Leigh 87]

Have you talked to her about this?

 

Tell her you need more spontaneity. Tell her she is killing the mood when she wants to change the cat litter before getting in bed with you.

 

Bring back things you use to do together like shower together, get out the candle lights, offer her sexy lingerie, take a weekend away together in a quiet romantic spot.

 

Do you really believe that sexy lingerie and weekends away will make mild sexual chemistry on his part, grow into sizzling chemistry?

 

Chemistry is chemistry. He admitted the sexual chemistry was never high to begin with!

 

This is why it's essential for men to wait for a woman who he is WILDLY attracted to! Anything less than intense sexual chemistry is boring.

[Gaeta]

Do you really believe that sexy lingerie and weekends away will make mild sexual chemistry on his part, grow into sizzling chemistry?

 

Chemistry is chemistry. He admitted the sexual chemistry was never high to begin with!

 

This is why it's essential for men to wait for a woman who he is WILDLY attracted to! Anything less than intense sexual chemistry is boring.

 

Leigh, before quitting on a 2 year relationship. A good relationship. You talk about it and you try new things. You can find sizzling chemistry at each corner of town and it's not something you build a long lasting relationship on. On the other hand finding a someone you respect, connect, and admire is rare and it's something you shouldn't abandon without first putting in some efforts into.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, before quitting on a 2 year relationship. A good relationship. You talk about it and you try new things. You can find sizzling chemistry at each corner of town and it's not something you build a long lasting relationship on. On the other hand finding a someone you respect, connect, and admire is rare and it's something you shouldn't abandon without first putting in some efforts into.

 

 

 

It depends on the individual.

 

I personally don't want companionship enough to settle for less than sizzling chemistry.

 

If we don't want to rip each other's clothes off and it requires sexy lingerie and date nights just to feel super hot for each other, I am happier alone with friends whom I admire and respect, with red hot sex with fwbs.

 

So not everyone needs a relationship in an of itself enough to feel truly content with mediocore sex.

 

It is possible for the OP to find strong sexual chemistry with a woman he thinks highly of.

[soph-walker]

It depends on the individual.

 

I personally don't want companionship enough to settle for less than sizzling chemistry.

 

If we don't want to rip each other's clothes off and it requires sexy lingerie and date nights just to feel super hot for each other, I am happier alone with friends whom I admire and respect, with red hot sex with fwbs.

 

So not everyone needs a relationship in an of itself enough to feel truly content with mediocore sex.

 

It is possible for the OP to find strong sexual chemistry with a woman he thinks highly of.

 

I'm not sure how many relationships you've been in..and that's not entirely the issue with this, but..chemistry wears off.

 

Google the effects of Oxytocin.

 

I met a guy over summer and it was a pure physical attraction. It took 3/4 months before it wore off completely to the point that I found him obnoxious. Why? Because we only had chemistry and a very very basic compatibility in that we were able to make small talk during the times we weren't in bed together.

Edited January 19, 2016 by soph-walker

[Robratory]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and . . . I don't feel attracted to her the way I used to. It's quite rare that I get the urge to have sex with her . . . the sex has never been as good as I'd like it to be. . . . I shouldn't have to make an effort to be more attracted to her

 

There's a love song in Spanish about planting a flower and forgetting to water it. By the time you remember, it's dead, and all your tears can't bring it back to life. Your friends shake their heads and tell you it's no use. Of course, the flower and the water are metaphors for love and the attention we must give it. You have to nurture your relationship on purpose, feeding it the attention and care that it needs to thrive.

 

It's a huge misconception that good romantic relationships just work. In fact, you do have to put quite an effort into keeping the attraction and the romance alive.

 

As for how good the sex is, unless there's some particular issue, it shouldn't be worse than the best of the two. If it's not as good as you'd like it, make it better. If you can't, that's a problem, but it doesn't sound as if you've tried.

 

Unless there's a lot more than what you told us, I think you should try to bring the relationship back to life. You say she's your best friend. Lots of people in relationships can't say that.

Edited January 20, 2016 by Robratory

[Rejected Rosebud]

Have you talked to her about this?

 

Tell her you need more spontaneity. Tell her she is killing the mood when she wants to change the cat litter before getting in bed with you.

But to be fair, he told us that he very rarely has "the urge" and when he does, she says she needs to do whatever. I'm sure she goes for long periods of time feeling very undesired, so it's hard to expect her to be instantly up to it when he's feeling the elusive urge.

 

Bring back things you use to do together like shower together, get out the candle lights, offer her sexy lingerie, take a weekend away together in a quiet romantic spot.

I agree with that, if you really love her you have a lot of things you could do to make it better, but if you already have one foot out the door (like it sounds) you might as well just get it over with.

[Rejected Rosebud]

It depends on the individual.

 

I personally don't want companionship enough to settle for less than sizzling chemistry.

 

If we don't want to rip each other's clothes off and it requires sexy lingerie and date nights just to feel super hot for each other, I am happier alone with friends whom I admire and respect, with red hot sex with fwbs.

 

And that's what life will have in store for people who have no concept of or value for the parts of relationships that don't involve "sizzling" and "earth shattering" blah blah blah at all of its phases. Red hot sex with a string of FWB's and short relationships is really, really easy to attain in life, as you have learned Leigh 87!! I understand that this is all you want out of your relationships, that's fine, but that really isn't what this thread is about.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not sure how many relationships you've been in..and that's not entirely the issue with this, but..chemistry wears off.

 

Google the effects of Oxytocin.

 

I met a guy over summer and it was a pure physical attraction. It took 3/4 months before it wore off completely to the point that I found him obnoxious. Why? Because we only had chemistry and a very very basic compatibility in that we were able to make small talk during the times we weren't in bed together.

 

I've been in 2 relationships lasting over 2 years. And s couple lasting 1 year.

 

The chemistry didn't wear off. Providing I liked them.

 

If it was strong at the start, the chemistry lasted.

 

With the men I ended up disliking as people.... Yes the chemistry wore off. I ended up hating one of their personalities for instance; he irritated the crap out of me and we had different values. Totally incompatible, overall.

 

Chemistry doesn't always fade at all. That is just what people tell themselves when they don't happen to find sizzling chemistry with a compatible partner. To make themselves feel better about having to settle for mediocre chemistry.

[Leigh 87]

And that's what life will have in store for people who have no concept of or value for the parts of relationships that don't involve "sizzling" and "earth shattering" blah blah blah at all of its phases. Red hot sex with a string of FWB's and short relationships is really, really easy to attain in life, as you have learned Leigh 87!! I understand that this is all you want out of your relationships, that's fine, but that really isn't what this thread is about.

 

I happen to also strongly prefer a best friend and companion. And the sizzling chemistry.

 

I believe some people can get it All. As long as they don't assume that phenomenal chemistry has to be based on supermodel looks and fat wallets..

 

I am definately not dating my BF for the sizzling chemistry lol. It's the hours we spend together not having sex that is just as important to me.

 

I simply don't need a relationship in an of itself enough to settle for either high compatability and mediocre chemistry, or amazing sexual chemistry and no compatability.

My happy place that I have enjoyed the most is amazing chemistry with moderate compatibility.

 

I personally can't feel strong emotions or " madly in love " or want to call someone " the one " without the heady amazing chemistry. The depth of my feelings are never as extensive the times I don't feel that natural "meant to be" feeling. If you research it a lot as I do, the whole concept of feeling like someone is " the one ", feeling like you're MADLY in love and being able to day that you're partner is the love of your life, these are all chemistry driven. Without the giddy " can't wait to see them " and " heart racing when they text" feeling..... I tend to grow to love men in much the same way I do my friends.

Honestly. I've had mediocre chemistry with great compatability. It just didn't inspire me. I never got the feeling that they were " the one". I had very minimal romantic impulses.

 

I have walked in the OPs shoes. Both as his partner and as the person who lost attraction. It all came to be because there was only mediocre chemistry to begin with.

 

I also speak with experience. From relationships the same length as the OPs. Mediocre sex to begin with = a death sentence in my opinion, for passionate romantics like myself.

 

I've NEVER said to ditch compatability in favour of the chemistry. I believe if you're not fussy with education, income and superficial crap then you can definitely avoid the issue the OP is currently facing. You can hold out for amazing chemistry and lust to begin with, that is fostered by great compatability or at least moderate compatibility.

[Leigh 87]

OP, if you have to actually try hard to be attracted to your partner after just two years, you're doomed.

 

It shouldn't take sexy lingerie to get you to want to f*ck your gf of two years.

 

I've been in your girlfriends shoes after approximately two years. I lost weight, looked my best and bought sexy underwear for everyday of the week at one stage NOTHING made my ex suddenly want to jump me

 

 

The chemistry was always mediocre to begin with. When as felt horny the sex was great at times. Once we stated f* cking. He never had wild urges to rip my clothes off though. Not even to begin with.

 

The sex was good. Great at times..but yeah. It was the mediocre range of chemistry that is the death to most relationships where one or both of the spouses have options. They often end up meeting someone with whom they DO feel wild attraction for and realise they NEVER felt that attraction to you........

[Gaeta]

It shouldn't take sexy lingerie to get you to want to f*ck your gf of two years.

 

You've missed my point here entirely.

 

The lingerie is not to get him turned on, it's for her. It's a nice feeling to get a gift and the lingerie is going to make her feel special and sexy.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The chemistry didn't wear off. Providing I liked them.

That is NOT what you've posted in your threads.

 

 

Chemistry doesn't always fade at all. That is just what people tell themselves when they don't happen to find sizzling chemistry with a compatible partner. To make themselves feel better about having to settle for mediocre chemistry.

Bulls***. You don't get it. Chemistry may not "fade" but real relationships go through seasons and plenty of them don't have anything sizzling red hot and earth shattering about them. Anyway, you make it very clear that you are not interested in ANYTHING that doesn't hinge on sizzling, red hot and earth shattering and that you would be very happy with a string of FWB's as long as you can keep this going, and I am sure you can do this even though it might get kind of depressing when you get into your late 30s not to mention your 50s! You might have to start paying for it at some point! :laugh: Maybe not though. Anyway I'm pretty sure you are coming from a completely different place than this OP is.