DacaInaru Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 ok.. hmm so, i've been seeing this guy for about 4-5 months now.. when i first met him he commented on how he was attracted to me 1. becasue of my attitude and 2. my age.. he considers me young at 34 he is 42.. and has 4 adult children of his own. later in our conversations the subject of marriage and children came up.. I told him that i have no desire to have any more children as I already have a daughter from a previous marriage and have absolutely no desire to go there again.. and I think that marriage is just not for me.. so.. he's made little comments here and there about wanting to be a father again.. comments on my youth, comments on getting me "Pregnant".. he's been in florida and made a comment about "if you where here i'm a such a mood i'd probably get you pregnant" and I said Oh that will never happen.. and we actually got into an arguement.. I feel like he is not hearing what I am saying to him about Not wanting to have kids.. he seems to glaze over the conversations as if he doesn't want to hear it. So.. I finally broke down and wrote him how I felt.. clearly stated that children and marriage are non negogiable and that I think his desire for kids.. is making me feel like I should be running in the opposite direction.. I haven't gotten a reply yet to the email.. lets see what happens.. but its sad.. I do like this guy a lot.. we have tons in commen.. we get alone great.. I just don't see us wanting the same furture outcome.. Another think I don't understand is why men automatically assume that a woman's goal in life to is to have children? I have been married 2 times before.. my second husband and I divorced partly because of the "Child" issues. Before marriage I was very clear with him that I did not want children.. later he commented on the fact that he though I would change.. Part of me wants to break things off with this guy.. but the other part doesnt.. so whats to do.. any advice on getting someone to understand that what i'm saying is what I mean.. sigh..
Pocky Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 All depends on the response you get from your email. That will make a big difference in how you should proceed with the relationship.
morrigan Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 You've done the right thing by being honest now about what you want. It's up to your bf to either accept and be fine with your views, or to end the relationship if he truly needs to be with someone who wants children. Another think I don't understand is why men automatically assume that a woman's goal in life to is to have children? It's an assumption that all women have maternal instincts--definintely not true. Not all people think this way, I was fortunate in finding someone who is a loving person who feels the same way I do.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Some times people have to make sacrifices. In this case, he does. He should respect your decision in not wanting anymore kids. If he doesn't then he doesn't respect you.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I would break it off. Sure you do care for him, as i am sure he does care for you. But how many nore years are you willing to put up with baby-preggo comments? and then, when you are older will he hold it against you that you never procreated with him?
Cecelius Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 No one thinks its a universal truth, just one that is generally true enough for government work -- you've probably set him straight though.
crazy_grl Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I think you've made the right moves so far. But I think you're also right that there might not be a future. It really doesn't seem like you two want the same things. You should wait for his answer, but from what you've said, he sounds like he really wants children and is just waiting until you change your mind. So if he says he still wants to be with you, you'd better make sure he really understands that you don't want more kids, and he's not still secretly holding out hope.
darhma Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I was in a similiar situation. I made it perfectly clear I did not want children. Seven years later he ran off to another women 17 years younger than I to have his dream of children fulfilled. I would highly recommend you determning if your not wanting children will prevent him from wanting to marry you before you waste years on a dead end relationship.
Author DacaInaru Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 Thats exactly it.. cause my ex even after numerous discussions where even my family told him to really think about it since he was young and didn't have kids of his own.. we had talked about it.. and he said ok.. its ok.. i'm happy as long as I have you.. 6 months into the marriage his mother decided she wanted grandbabies and he decided that I was going to give them to her.. even went so far as to hide my bcpills and tell me he was going to poke holes in the condom.. that was the last time I had sex with him.. 3 months after that I filed for divorce.. Its just not something i'm willing to change my mind on and whats sadder is that everyone even women that I run into are like.. oh well you HAVE to have another kid.. your still young yada yada yada.. but mother hood is just not my thing.. don't get me wrong i love my daughter to pieces but.. i'm looking forward to the day when she will be off doing her own thing and i can be off doing my own thing..
darhma Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I so understand. My daughter is now 20 and I love her to pieces but no way do I want another one. This is really a problem for me because I look young and always seem to be attracted to younger guys that have no children. I have learned from my past mistake. I find out right off if they want children and if they do I am out of there.
crazy_grl Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by DacaInaru 6 months into the marriage his mother decided she wanted grandbabies and he decided that I was going to give them to her.. even went so far as to hide my bcpills and tell me he was going to poke holes in the condom.. That's just freakin scary. You were right to divorce him. As far back as high school I joked that I wanted to marry a guy who already had a kid so that he wouldn't be as interested in having another one. Maybe that's not such a bad idea.
ashley83 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 oh my goodness! how could yall not want kids!!....its like I feel like it's my destiny to someday have children....the instinct is sooo strong. I guess people are different though. My bf...when I met him...he did NOT want kids, and we kinda clashed for a while...then one day he said I made him want children...and he wants children from nooone but me because im the nurturing type and he loves me....and he said that he figures he'd always be attracted to the nurturing type.......This of course is after we get out of college and are married for a while.....i dunno, i'm stilll kinda skeptical, I believe he wants kids now...but how could a person change someone's mind?? I'm happy though
JanieQP Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 DacaInaru, him being attracted to your age is a red flag for me ... and another red flag is that he really wants to prove one more time that his manhood works. You might find some support (and guys to date) in the childfree community ... the rabid ones will cop an attitude since you already have a kid, but you don't want to hang with them anyway. NoKidding is an organization that has groups around the world, and there are a few different on-line groups that sometimes have local get-togethers. I'm CF, definitely don't want to reproduce, but I have dated men with kids. So there must be a few CF men open to dating you ... you deserve someone who respects your choices and doesn't try to evangelize you.
Sal Paradise Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by DacaInaru ok.. hmm so, i've been seeing this guy for about 4-5 months now.. when i first met him he commented on how he was attracted to me 1. becasue of my attitude and 2. my age.. he considers me young at 34 he is 42.. and has 4 adult children of his own. later in our conversations the subject of marriage and children came up.. I told him that i have no desire to have any more children as I already have a daughter from a previous marriage and have absolutely no desire to go there again.. and I think that marriage is just not for me.. so.. he's made little comments here and there about wanting to be a father again.. comments on my youth, comments on getting me "Pregnant".. he's been in florida and made a comment about "if you where here i'm a such a mood i'd probably get you pregnant" and I said Oh that will never happen.. and we actually got into an arguement.. I feel like he is not hearing what I am saying to him about Not wanting to have kids.. he seems to glaze over the conversations as if he doesn't want to hear it. So.. I finally broke down and wrote him how I felt.. clearly stated that children and marriage are non negogiable and that I think his desire for kids.. is making me feel like I should be running in the opposite direction.. I haven't gotten a reply yet to the email.. lets see what happens.. but its sad.. I do like this guy a lot.. we have tons in commen.. we get alone great.. I just don't see us wanting the same furture outcome.. Another think I don't understand is why men automatically assume that a woman's goal in life to is to have children? I have been married 2 times before.. my second husband and I divorced partly because of the "Child" issues. Before marriage I was very clear with him that I did not want children.. later he commented on the fact that he though I would change.. Part of me wants to break things off with this guy.. but the other part doesnt.. so whats to do.. any advice on getting someone to understand that what i'm saying is what I mean.. sigh.. Its good that you're not letting this slide and you're confronting it now. Ignoring it would only lead him on. Neither of you are wrong, you both just have differen desire for the future. Its probably best to break it off now. You know he wants kids, even if he says he's cool with not having them he'd most likely be just saying that keep the relationship going while he secretly hopes one day you'll change your mind. Best to end this now then to have it blow up on ya years down the line.
Author DacaInaru Posted June 9, 2005 Author Posted June 9, 2005 ok.. so after I sent him the email he called me monday night.. however he hadn't read the email..So considering that he doesn't really listen to me when I talk to him I said oh you should really read the email I sent.. we continued the converstation and I said to him.. by the way.. I forgot to tell you that in Dec i'm going to Santo Domingo as a chaperone for some of the young ladies in my family.. he said.. Oh your not going anywhere.. I was like.. oh no he didn't just go there. So I said.. excuse me??? but if I want to go somewhere I'll go I said one thing you need to understand about me is that I will not change for anyone nor will I let anyone run my life.. i'm 34 years old and i'm looking for a partner..not a parent.. he hung up.. and I havent heard from him since.. well.. that took care of that.. life goes on.. or as I like to say 'Next!"
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