Cheated Apology, Want You Back Letter

[mightycpa]

See, even MightyCPA agrees with me and thats saying something.

 

Check part in bold but, thats the only part I have a different slant.

 

Yes its true, some people deem physical cheating as being worse than other types (i.e. emotional cheating). I guess its because its something concrete and definable.

 

But for me personally, I'd say it hurts way more when someone is emotionally cheating on you (i.e. loves someone else but stay for money or guilt etc). You don't get over that sort of stuff.

 

Sex and emotional connection are 2 complete different things.

I think you're right in that when someone you love gets involved emotionally with someone else, that's the kiss of death, and that's why it is worse in a way, because it means the end of the relationship whether you want it to or not. I guess what I was trying to say was that cheating has an intention behind it. You're going out of your way to do something you know you shouldn't be doing. But if you truly have a romantic attraction to someone, that's not really within your control, nor can you claim to have intent to go off and like someone. So I don't see that as "cheating".

 

Now, what you do about it, that's another issue, but the emotion itself? I just don't see it that way.

Edited February 7, 2016 by mightycpa

[sandylee1]

 

It sounds like maybe you just messed up with the wrong type of girl.

 

 

You mean the kind of truthful girl that would want his GF to know he kissed another woman...then continued to message her?

 

Trust is like an egg.....Once broken........

 

You had a good thing and risked it..ffor a bit of fun. This is thethe danger when you think your other half will never find out.

In her mind and her friends.......The thoughts will be if he cheated when things were so good....... what happens when the going gets tough? If you're married. ...when you have little kids?

 

In her mind she was probably hoping you'd get married one day.....then she finds out this.... I'm sorry it's turned out like this.......you sound very remorseful...... but did you honestly have any guilt before she found out? Can you say you would never have done it again with another girl? Would you have stopped at a kiss next time?

 

You were looking for harmless fun ...when by your own admission the last 5 months before this were great. That's really hard to wrap your head around from your ex GFs point of view.

 

Her friends saw her distraught because of something you did...she probably showed them the message from this other girl. If your GF were my sister....I'd be saying the same as her friends.

 

Time to move on and learn what can happen. In some ways it's good that she's taken this stance....because you may have done the same thing down the line if she forgave you and reconciled. Now you know that it's a dealbreaker to some ...so you'll bear that in mind for the future.

 

None of what I've said was intended to be harsh...... sometimes we learn the hard way. Just remember that you can't have a secret when more than one person about it. There's always a risk they'll tell all.

 

It's obvious she still loves you.....but when you've been betrayed..love isn't enough to carry on.

 

It's a pity she's so intertwined with your family though...that makes it harder to get over.

 

Good luck

[marky00]

 

Now you know that it's a dealbreaker to some ...so you'll bear that in mind for the future.

 

 

You just agreed with MightyCPA. That was his exact point. He never condoned cheating.

[marky00]

I think you're right in that when someone you love gets involved emotionally with someone else, that's the kiss of death, and that's why it is worse in a way, because it means the end of the relationship whether you want it to or not. I guess what I was trying to say was that cheating has an intention behind it. You're going out of your way to do something you know you shouldn't be doing. But if you truly have a romantic attraction to someone, that's not really within your control, nor can you claim to have intent to go off and like someone. So I don't see that as "cheating".

 

Now, what you do about it, that's another issue, but the emotion itself? I just don't see it that way.

 

Point understood.

 

But.... although its true u cant control an instant romantic connection etc, I'm sure there are several cases of partners who possibly are aware of a romantic connection with someone else (a 3rd party) but don't explore it when they are in a committed relationship (assuming there is some level of love on both sides).

 

Yes love at first sight happens, but if you don't go on the first date.... well... it's not going to go very far is it.

 

Ok so there might be cases where a third party aggressively flirts which increases the temptation, and therefore the chance of reaching a point of no return.

 

Also think of the case of ex partners. Lets say a relationship is hitting a rough patch and by chance at that time one person bumps into an Ex. If one of the persons in the relationship wasn't totally over that Ex, they might start thinking about that encounter with the Ex for some time later.

 

But... everyone has different levels of self-control. One person may put those thoughts in check (rise above them) while another may allow themselves to get swept up in it all (which clearly increases the chances of physical cheating down the line).

 

I suppose my point is.... I think even emotional cheating can be held at bay with stronger personalities and self-control. Probably no different to how a dumpee reacts post BU. The dumpee's can let themselves become consumed by the pain or they can block it out / stay strong.

 

I will leave you with one last thought to confuse things even further....

 

Lets say Jim is having sex with Helen but is thinking about Jane during the whole thing. Clearly he was just emotionally cheating. Should Jane know this fact that every time she has sex with Jim, hes thinking about another woman.

Edited February 7, 2016 by marky00

[itisdanielle]

I went through a similar experience, but I was in your girlfriends situation so it might possibly give you some insight.

 

My ex kissed someone when he was drunk. He didn't tell me about it, I found out from someone else which for me was the worst part. If he would have done it, immediately thought 'why the HELL did I do that' and explained it to me, begged forgiveness, I would have possibly been able to forgive.

 

The fact that he didn't tell me, and could look me in the eyes telling me that he loved me afterwards, is the bit that I can't forgive. I feel like if we did get back together, every time he went out he could possibly do the same thing and I would never know. That would drive me crazy and I couldn't do that to myself.

 

You have done everything you can since the BU to apologise. She knows that you want her back so all you can do now is focus on yourself and try to move on. One day she might decide she wants to give it another try but you can't sit and wait for this because if she doesn't change her mind, you're just wasting your life away waiting.

[elaine567]

Another weird thing (for me) is two days after telling me to not contact her again - she messaged my mum on her bday being super nice etc. Why the hell would she do that.

 

Anyway I'm not sure if I should tell her to buzz off or just leave it be.

 

That is because when women are in LTRs they tend to also get involved with the family of their boyfriend, so the split affects those relationships too.

Your gf messaged your mum on her bday, because she genuinely wanted to wish her happy birthday, it has nothing to do with you or your relationship with her, she already made it clear she wants NC with you.

Many women stay in contact with the bfs family, long after the primary "relationship" is gone.

[mightycpa]

You mean the kind of truthful girl that would want his GF to know he kissed another woman...then continued to message her?

 

Trust is like an egg.....Once broken........

 

Yeah, exactly like that. Some girls will clean up the mess and dispose of it. Other girls will make an omelette, if the egg is salvageable.

 

I think the same is true of guys, by the way. So, let's just say "people".

 

I went through a similar experience, but I was in your girlfriends situation so it might possibly give you some insight.

 

My ex kissed someone when he was drunk. He didn't tell me about it, I found out from someone else which for me was the worst part. If he would have done it, immediately thought 'why the HELL did I do that' and explained it to me, begged forgiveness, I would have possibly been able to forgive. The fact that he didn't tell me, and could look me in the eyes telling me that he loved me afterwards, is the bit that I can't forgive.

Good point. That was probably humiliating.

[PostmanPat]

I thought I would post an update just for my own benefit.

 

I haven't spoken to her since nor has she reached out to me, it's been solid NC. She still hangs out with my sister but it doesn't bother me, I just tell my sister to keep me blissfully unaware.

 

Regarding my own personal space, I've been doing well. I've been busy and got plenty going on. The letter I wrote, even though it didn't have the result I was after, really helped me move on as it gave me some finality. It was simply about feeling like I finally told her how I felt.

 

I think one day we will bump into each other and talk again as I've been told she doesn't dislike me, whether that is platonic or not... I don't know... but I'm not craving her the way I did before. My thoughts are purely 'well that was a great time in my life, I made a mistake, I'll learn and be a better person... and so will she'.

 

I still miss her but atleast I'm not crippled and can do the things I love doing. There's plenty of positive stuff going on

 

Would I like to reconcile? I think so, with some work (mostly at my end) - but the good thing is I know that I need to do that work. If I blindly jump into anything with her again I don't think it would work, but if she does come back and we do take the time to get used to each other again, become friends and simply hang out and laugh, then maybe, just maybe.

 

I know I'm not ready for that right now though (and I know she isn't either!) - I'm happy as I am, happy in my own skin. She is a really beautiful and special girl though - so maybe one day.

 

I'd like to keep everyone updated periodically as it does help me and I hope it helps people who feel hopelessly desperate. Keep working on yourself and good things will come

[dreamingoftigers]

So, what's your "next big thing" in life?

[PostmanPat]

So, what's your "next big thing" in life?

 

Well I'm probably still in the "getting back on my feet" stage, so trying to avoid making any whiplash decisions just yet but I'll be travelling to Asia mid year and probably South America in November for a few months.

 

Besides that I'm looking at moving to the Bay Area to further my career and meet some new people.

 

Smaller things?

• I'm in much better shape than I was 6-12 months ago
  
• Hanging out with a bunch of cool new people
  
• Started being involved with other girls (not physically, just taking a bit of an interest)
  
• Learning a new language
  
• Spending more time with family
  

[PostmanPat]

Had my first encounter with her today - by accident.

 

We work pretty close to one another (though this actually only came about maybe a few weeks before she found out) and she was walking close (not right past me but close enough that we definitely made eye contact, maybe 30 metres away). I happened to be crossing the road at the time which was convenient 'out'. As mentioned, we made eye contact, I didn't smile I just looked away and crossed the road and continued on. Was that right of me?

 

I honestly feel like the dumpee even though I was the one that caused it! I think we probably both actually feel like the dumpee in a way...

 

How did I feel? For the next maybe 2 minutes I felt a really intense but I calmed down after that and felt better (though I've been thinking about it all day).

[dreamingoftigers]

Had my first encounter with her today - by accident.

 

We work pretty close to one another (though this actually only came about maybe a few weeks before she found out) and she was walking close (not right past me but close enough that we definitely made eye contact, maybe 30 metres away). I happened to be crossing the road at the time which was convenient 'out'. As mentioned, we made eye contact, I didn't smile I just looked away and crossed the road and continued on. Was that right of me?

 

I honestly feel like the dumpee even though I was the one that caused it! I think we probably both actually feel like the dumpee in a way...

 

How did I feel? For the next maybe 2 minutes I felt a really intense but I calmed down after that and felt better (though I've been thinking about it all day).

 

That sounds about right.

 

It's not as bad as you fear running into them.

[PostmanPat]

Hi all - came on here to post that I'm really not coping very well at the moment.

 

I thought I was okay but the weekend was really crap. Maybe I was affected more than I thought by seeing her flash by briefly.

 

I guess I keep convincing myself that all will be okay, I can't really seem to be able to get rid of the feeling of wanting her back. I honestly am doing everything in my life with incredible guilt. I can't even walk down the street without this deep guilt following me around.

 

It hasn't stopped me from doing things I like - I've been meeting some new people, hanging out with them, swimming, in great shape, but yeh... I just wanted to write this down coz it makes me feel a little better, even though this forum is about people who have been hurt by people like me.

 

I don't want to confide in friends or anything like that because I think it just creates a continuous loop and they have probably heard enough.

[PostmanPat]

Hey everyone,

 

It's now six weeks since I posted how I was feeling, and over two months since I sent that letter and had her tell me to not contact her. (She has since told me that letter was the most beautiful thing she'd ever read).

 

A couple of days ago she contacted me totally out of the blue (absolutely zero contact for two months, and no actual discussion since the end of last year) because she was in some trouble with someone harassing her and she knew I'd be there for her. I called her within about 2 minutes to see how I could help.

 

She then called me later in the day to thank me, and to tell me how relieved she was that I was there for her and we talked for half an hour or so and I said I will now go back into NC to respect her... to which she sent me a message later saying she would like to start talking again.

 

I said to her, I would like to talk again BUT only on the condition that she gets approval from the people that matter to her most... her parents and her best friend. They all said it was 'okay', though her:

 

• Dad doesn't really want anything to do with me just yet, but he told her if I make her happy then he's happy for her to talk to me
  
• Mum is not quite so bad, she was angry with me but she told my ex gf that she could see she was noticeable happier having spoken to me
  
• Her best friend gave the green light at that time but (will get to the next bit in a sec)...
  

 

So we hung out that night... we just went for a walk as friends. We hugged a lot and she told me she missed me so much and really wants me in her life. EVERYTHING has to be really, really slow, I know that. It was so tempting to give her the worlds biggest kiss but I knew that would be bad even if it would feel immediately good. We just talked, and we laughed and it was really, REALLY great.

 

The next day she messaged to hang out again. I was available but I said I was unavailable because I really, really want to take it slow... I'm very cautious. I love her but I want this to work forever, not just two weeks. We did exchange some nice texts though and arranged to meet next week instead. She also tells me she writes me letters almost every day instead of speaking to me which she desperately wanted to do the entire time.

 

Later on she called me... she'd spoken to her best friend who now said she felt a little bit uncomfortable. She herself was okay for my ex to see me (though she doesn't particularly want to herself at this point) but she was uncomfortable with some of their other friends who would be VERY anti it, having supported my ex through the whole thing... only to see her 'go straight back to me' in their eyes.

 

So we had a very long discussion about it. I totally understand her apprehension, she wants to do the right thing by everyone, and I do too. I know that I will not get anywhere with external barriers interfering with things. So we had a strong discussion over the phone... eventually I said I wanted to give her a hug, so I went around to her place and we talked again... in a really happy, fun way. It was great. Nothing happened except a really fun chat like old times.

 

As I left, I said, if you want to go back into NC that is fine. I hugged her as if it would be the last time I'd see her for a long while again. She said she didn't want to go NC again and told me she loved me very much but she just needs to see how things go.

 

My question is... how do I help with the external barriers? How can I possibly try and get them to allow my ex to give me the time of day that she actually wants to give me??

 

At the moment I feel pretty crappy because I can kinda foresee things going back into NC and after not hearing for so long, and then suddenly hearing again and having an AMAZING time only for it to be taken away again is very hard on me when I feel like I'm doing everything possible...

 

I was doing well without her (though I think about her every single day and miss her incredibly) - but I also know that we are so happy and great together.

 

I know that if her friends allow her to give me that opportunity that we will VERY slowly work things out between us, but at the moment that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

Any ideas!?

Edited April 14, 2016 by PostmanPat

[ashley1992]

once a cheater always a cheater.. u seem really nice and shes a lucky girl! however its probably best you and her both move on.. u shouldnt have done anything in the first place if you love her.. i dont believe in mistakes like that.. u had a choice and kissed another girl.. so its unfair on her for u to be selfish to be with her again.. all the best