I'm so frustrated, how can I stop wanting a boyfriend

[truth_seeker]

I have to tell you OP, if I went out on a date with you, I would probably run because of your current state of mind. I went on a date with a woman and she was desperate for a boyfriend. The whole conversation centered on what she wanted and how she wanted it now. Talk about running for the hills.

 

My advice: take a step back, calm yourself, get your mind focused on other things. Let the right man find his way into your life. Forcing someone into your life is not the way to go.

[kodakgirl]

I woke up an hour and 30 minutes ago, and I read what you guys said all over again. I've gotten different replies from everyone and I'm going to take that into consideration.

 

When I woke up today, I literally had a what the f*** moment. Yes, I'm feeling down I won't lie, but when I kept seeing the whole "what makes you happy replies" I just said screw it. When I said that I want stories to tell my future boyfriend, I do. I want success stories, I want stories of how I went here, there, met this person, met that person. I want stories of how I failed at something but kept trying and going after what I wanted. I want stories of how I learnt something new from talking to X, Y, and Z. I want it all. For example, I love music and going to concerts. I've seen some of my favorite singers live and I would love to tell them about the concerts I've been to. I also enjoy traveling, I want this.

 

This may seem far fetched, but this is what I want. I realize the things I want I can do that with friends. Another reason why I'm putting myself out there in college is to make new friends, learn from them, do amazing things with, travel with and stuff. I realized that since I want to build an empire with someone I might as well start that on my own some way, some how, it's going to happen. I want these stories to share, I want to be that women in the future that's done a lot with her life, that grew, that learned, that made her fair share of mistakes and learned from them. Yes, I love to dream to big

 

It's amazing how one bad night can lead to your eyes opening up or something. You guys are probably thinking I'm crazy or something.

 

I just need to try to follow my advice and the advice you guys have given me.

 

Thanks so much to you all. <3

 

I think this is lovely. Write it down someplace so you can refer to it!

 

I know most people might say (including me a couple months ago) that it's BS that you'll find it when you stop looking. But there's reason people say that.. people who have been through it. I can tell you for certain that it's true. Stop searching. You don't need to set up an OLD profile to find a relationship. Live your life and be YOU. Find what makes you happy and do that. You're not closing yourself off by doing that... in fact, quite the opposite. It makes you more open to something, believe it or not.

 

That "you'll find someone when you stop looking" advice used to make me CRAZY, haha. I couldn't understand how to "stop looking," since I wasn't really "looking" per se--not going on lots of dates or doing things just to meet men or forcing anything, just hopeful of meeting someone. One's mileage may vary, of course, but to me that phrase was just another level of frustration--since I wasn't looking, why wasn't I finding someone??? That said, I agree with the part of it that suggests you may very well meet someone when you don't expect it. I did meet my fellow online, but certainly not when I expected it-- even with my limited use of the site, I'd been strongly considering simply closing it over the holidays because who starts dating over the holidays, and besides, January is always a peak time for new sign-ups. He wrote me on December 15 ish, haha. Like me, he's a grad student who had a nice long break he wanted to make use of!

 

The funny, cute twist is--we could have met the day before. Naturally, in person. We were both at the same obscure movie, in an audience of maybe 75 people in a small old theatre, both by ourselves... and didn't even notice one another. Less than 24 hours later he messaged me on OKC, opening with a reference to those kinds of films, so that film then became our first topic of conversation, haha. So us connecting really was the result of both of us "finding what makes us happy and doing that" and going to that movie alone! At the same time, it reaffirms my belief it's worth keeping an OLD account there, even if mostly disused.... we didn't talk to one another, or even notice one another, and could so easily have missed out.

 

 

 

I know, this sounds woo-woo but hear me out. Try considering doing this: Write down on a sheet of paper (yes paper) what the relationship you want to have feels like. Don't talk about stuff like how tall he is, how he smells or even anything about him. Or even anything really tangible about the relationship. Don't list the countries you want to visit or the number and genders of the kids you want to have. No "stuff".

 

Instead, talk about how he makes you feel. And how you make him feel. Does he make you laugh? Do you feel supported. What does that level of trust feel like. How do you resolve differences? Do you always see eye to eye? Put yourself into the emotional state that you desire - in this relationship with this man. It should be about a page. There are no "what's" or "when's" or anything like that. It is more a narrative of the person you will be when you are in a good relationship.

 

Do that. Read it often. And open yourself to the possibility of experiencing it. I call this emotional goal setting. And the crazy thing is, it centers you and opens you up to that which promotes this emotional goal. I've found that this is truly the best way to approach really anything in life.

 

This is one of those things that sounds silly, and in low moods can sometimes frustrate you more, but is actually really great. I never wrote things down, but for a long time I've kept this clear emotional picture in my head of what My Person would be like....no specifics, nothing about appearance or interests, but what he's like as a person and what we're like together. I'll admit having that didn't always make things easy--nothing seemed unreasonable, but I could not find that person or anyone even close, and despaired I ever would, and refused to settle for anyone vastly different, because these emotional relationship qualities were the ones that mattered to me.

 

My boyfriend is the person I had in mind all that time. It's almost eerie, haha.

 

Glad you're feeling more positive! You aren't alone in your feelings, and they're okay-- go and live your life and make those stories, and if you sometimes long for the man you'll share them with, let yourself, and then go back to fully realizing the woman he's going to fall for.

[Gaeta]

I am now wondering this whole thing on searching vs not searching for someone. I've heard different experiences from both sides, and I'm also wondering if I am lonely and not willing to admit it.

 

I don't know, I'm just feeling too much feels tonight. I feel pathetic. I don't know.

 

I use to tell myself all the time I am not lonely because my life is filled with friends and family. I am out and about all the time doing things I enjoy etc. But I was lonely deep down, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Finally I did, for the very first time a couple of months ago I confined to a friend 'I am lonely". I am tired of playing the strong woman. It was very liberating.

 

There is like a stigma about being lonely. Like if you're lonely you're not in a good place to be dating. I don't understand that logic. It's like telling someone they have to wait to not be hungry to eat. It's human to be lonely. Loneliness brings people together. If it was normal to not be lonely we would not have relationships.

 

I have also notice that people that advocate being alone, ignoring loneliness, not making efforts to find someone cause you will meet when you stop looking, are often people IN relationships.

 

If you want something in this life you have to go for it. There is no justice, no karma, no universe that will send you miraculously something you need.

 

I feel for you. I really do. Don't give up and just keep on working on getting what you want.

[truth_seeker]

 

If you want something in this life you have to go for it. There is no justice, no karma, no universe that will send you miraculously something you need.

 

 

Good words, Gaeta.

[VintageWine]

I use to tell myself all the time I am not lonely because my life is filled with friends and family. I am out and about all the time doing things I enjoy etc. But I was lonely deep down, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Finally I did, for the very first time a couple of months ago I confined to a friend 'I am lonely". I am tired of playing the strong woman. It was very liberating.

 

There is like a stigma about being lonely. Like if you're lonely you're not in a good place to be dating. I don't understand that logic. It's like telling someone they have to wait to not be hungry to eat. It's human to be lonely. Loneliness brings people together. If it was normal to not be lonely we would not have relationships.

 

I have also notice that people that advocate being alone, ignoring loneliness, not making efforts to find someone cause you will meet when you stop looking, are often people IN relationships.

 

If you want something in this life you have to go for it. There is no justice, no karma, no universe that will send you miraculously something you need.

 

I feel for you. I really do. Don't give up and just keep on working on getting what you want.

 

See this is the logic I go by, if I want a boyfriend, I have to put myself out there. Yes, I do want a boyfriend, all the same I'm not desperate just to settle for anything.

[spiderowl]

I know what people advise, all that stuff about working on yourself, being happy with yourself. For you, it can't do any harm, as long as you are happy and enjoying it for YOU. But if you are doing it in the hoping of attracting the right guy, probably not much point. I think (well know) that guys respond better to a natural person who is not afraid of being less than perfect, who can be vulnerable.

 

(Note, by 'natural', I do not mean anyone who smells or is unkempt. Both sexes find that a real turn-off!)

 

Guys need to feel a bond with someone too. People bond best by getting to know each other, becoming familiar to each other. I think guys are just as fed up of having to be the perfect guy and 'work on themselves' too. Why do you think many guys marry their childhood sweethearts? Because they like them, love them and trust them.

 

It is a good thing to try to maintain health and happiness, but why turn it into a job!

Edited January 20, 2016 by spiderowl

[VintageWine]

I know what people advise, all that stuff about working on yourself, being happy with yourself. For you, it can't do any harm, as long as you are happy and enjoying it for YOU. But if you are doing it in the hoping of attracting the right guy, probably not much point. I think (well know) that guys respond better to a natural person who is not afraid of being less than perfect, who can be vulnerable.

 

(Note, by 'natural', I do not mean anyone who smells or is unkempt. Both sexes find that a real turn-off!)

 

Guys need to feel a bond with someone too. People bond best by getting to know each other, becoming familiar to each other. I think guys are just as fed up of having to be the perfect guy and 'work on themselves' too. Why do you think many guys marry their childhood sweethearts? Because they like them, love them and trust them.

 

It is a good thing to try to maintain health and happiness, but why turn it into a job!

 

I'm not looking for myself to be perfect, I'm just working on the areas of myself that needs working on. I expect the same from the future boyfriend, not looking for perfection, however, knowing he can improve in whatever he knows needs improving on. I don't expect nor want perfection from the future boyfriend. Just want the real deal, like be real is all I'm asking.

 

Thanks for this though, it's a helpful reminder of why I am doing what I'm doing for myself.

[preraph]

We've all gone through lonely periods when we pine for someone. The important thing is to not ever put off doing something because you're waiting for "the one" to do it with. Always stay busy doing things you love and learning. The more you develop yourself and the more you immerse in the things you enjoy, the likelier to find someone you have things in common with. Meanwhile, you should enjoy yourself.

[loveweary11]

Vintage Wine... don't ever change!!!

 

You have a completely unspoiled, perfect view of what someone brings to your life.

 

Most of the people talking about you going at this wrong or need to work on yourself simply don't see relationships the way you and I do.

 

I feel exactly the way you do.

 

I have a life. A very fulfilling one. I get lost in it at times without that person to share the moments and travel with.

 

When I travel by myself, it's boring. I far, far prefer to share the experience.

 

Don't change. We're out here. Other people (I'm a guy) that feel the exact same way you do.

[katiegrl]

Vintage Wine... don't ever change!!!

 

You have a completely unspoiled, perfect view of what someone brings to your life.

 

Most of the people talking about you going at this wrong or need to work on yourself simply don't see relationships the way you and I do.

 

I feel exactly the way you do.

 

I have a life. A very fulfilling one. I get lost in it at times without that person to share the moments and travel with.

 

When I travel by myself, it's boring. I far, far prefer to share the experience.

 

Don't change. We're out here. Other people (I'm a guy) that feel the exact same way you do.

 

Hmmmmm..... do I smell something brewing here? Or possibly brewing?

[truth_seeker]

Hmmmmm..... do I smell something brewing here? Or possibly brewing?

 

loveweary11 and VintageWine sitting in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-NG... first comes love shack... then comes marriage... then comes a big bottle of vintage wine in a baby carriage.

[VintageWine]

Vintage Wine... don't ever change!!!

 

You have a completely unspoiled, perfect view of what someone brings to your life.

 

Most of the people talking about you going at this wrong or need to work on yourself simply don't see relationships the way you and I do.

 

I feel exactly the way you do.

 

I have a life. A very fulfilling one. I get lost in it at times without that person to share the moments and travel with.

 

When I travel by myself, it's boring. I far, far prefer to share the experience.

 

Don't change. We're out here. Other people (I'm a guy) that feel the exact same way you do.

 

Here's to hoping that to you and everyone else get what they are looking for.

 

I know guys like that exist, but my god. It's hard.

[VintageWine]

Hmmmmm..... do I smell something brewing here? Or possibly brewing?

 

 

loveweary11 and VintageWine sitting in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-NG... first comes love shack... then comes marriage... then comes a big bottle of vintage wine in a baby carriage.

 

heh, you guys!

[VintageWine]

Just wanted to say thank you to the replies that I got on here, different replies from everyone because of the experiences you guys had and honestly it's quite helpful. <3

[PrismOfLove]

OP: I'm in the same boat as you, I've been focusing on myself, trying to get through school, make friends, be a good person and help others, but the loneliness is there. I wish you the best finding a great guy.

 

This has been exactly me for most of the past 2 years or so. I spent a lot of time working to be the person I wanted to be and have the life I wanted, and to be happy and full on my own, and did pretty great at that. But I still wanted someone-- not to "complete" me or make me happy, but because I think great romantic relationships are incomparably special, and can bring a lot of meaning even to a happy life. Love means a lot to me; not simply "being in a relationship," but truly loving someone who truly loves me in return. For 2+ years I was mostly happy on my own (including, of course, good friends), but never shook the periods of deep longing. I'd go through the same frustration you write about, OP. You get all this advice on working on yourself and making yourself happy, with the implication that once you have, then you'll find That Person. It doesn't work like that, at least not per se. That Person--or simply A Great Person--doesn't just appear because you deserve them. And, silly as it seems rationally, that fact feels frustrating and unfair. The reward for making yourself happy on your own isn't a partner; it' being happy on your own.

 

That said... you'll note, perhaps, I've written much of my experience in the past tense. That's because, after 2+ years of periodic "I want someone" and, indeed, "why can't I stop wanting someone".... I did meet someone. Someone perfect for me who thinks I'm perfect for him too. And suddenly something that was so hard for so long became just so, so easy. I know hearing those kinds of things doesn't necessarily help.... it's easy to think, well that's all very well and cute and sweet, but why won't it happen for me? At the same time, I think it is important to hear those stories when you're feeling frustrated and down. It's important to keep even just a bit of faith that it can happen and it does happen... just like that. And all that time I spent working on myself and my life? The person I've become because of that is the person he adores, and I'm happy and secure enough in my own life to let him and the relationship unfold naturally. I was single for 5 years, despite being an attractive, sweet, intelligent woman in my 20s with a commitment to self-improvement. That fact sometimes made me feel crazy and miserable in that time. Now, it seems a very, very small price to pay for what I have.

 

Just a few thoughts, and hopefully a bit of hope!

 

I've been reading these forums quite some time and this is my favorite post to this point. Eloquent, relate able, and heart-warming.

If you want something in this life you have to go for it. There is no justice, no karma, no universe that will send you miraculously something you need.

Words of wisdom, I'm still trying to realize this myself.

[Tribble]

I think you're going about it the right way and I understand where you're coming from. Desperation is not sexy, but I don't think you're giving off that vibe. It's OK to want something and it's OK to work towards it too. Just don't settle for anything, which you aren't doing - that's the desperation.

 

 

I get it. For most of my life I was perfectly content with being single. I did my own thing, spent time with friends and family, worked on my career, did my hobbies. I was happy. And when I least expected it, somehow I got myself a bf. Which was different and scary and opened my eyes to how my life could be even better sharing it with someone else. But that didn't work out. Now I'm in your place, I want a boyfriend. I want someone who loves me for me, and I love them for them and we want to spend time together and grow together and experience things together.

 

 

When I was single before, I was afraid of admitting I wanted someone in my life. That it made me desperate. I don't think I'm desperate, I can cope alone. But I don't want to be alone and it's OK to admit that. As long as your whole life doesn't become focussed around getting a boyfriend and just anything will do, wanting a boyfriend is OK. Just try not to let it get you down. Do what you're doing now and the future will come organically. Keep your options open, don't close anything off but don't do everything just in the hopes of meeting someone. And it sounds like you're doing that. You'll be OK! As I hope I will be too!

[contel3]

The reasons I want a relationship is because I want someone to travel with, try new things together with, learn from them, them learn from me, share my life with someone, just being in a good relationship for once in my life. Cook for person, do special things with them, show them the world and such.

 

I know I can do this with good friendships, however, let's be real. There's a huge difference in romantic relationships and friendships, not saying friendships aren't good to have they are great to have!

 

I used to feel this way before I met one of my exes. Or lets say, that's what I was telling myself. It's a dangerous place to be, because you risk ending up in suboptimal relationships with the first person you feel strong chemistry with. I ended up in a relationship that had all that- we travelled, shared our life, cooked, he was always around and we told each other everything...but the relationship was toxic and bad for my mental well-beeing. After we broke up I realised just this:

 

I use to tell myself all the time I am not lonely because my life is filled with friends and family. I am out and about all the time doing things I enjoy etc. But I was lonely deep down, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Finally I did, for the very first time a couple of months ago I confined to a friend 'I am lonely". I am tired of playing the strong woman. It was very liberating.

 

Like Gaeta said, it was very liberating. I realised I had been lonely for years, but never admitted it to myself. I always thought it's not possible that I could be lonely with such a nice family, friends and an overall pretty successful life. Paradoxically, after I realised I was lonely the loneliness faded. I am still lonely at times, but I realise there is a time for everything.

I still think it would be nice to have a partner, but I can't compare how I feel now to the extreme anxiety I felt when I was feeling lonely.

 

Having a companion is not worth the struggle of being in a bad relationship (which is what happens to most people. Just look at the divorce rates). It takes a while to find a good match. When you are single you have opportunities you don't when you are in a relationship. Instead of dwelling on everything you are missing out, try figuring out what you could take advantage of. Ask your taken friends what they miss from being single. If it really is companionship you are looking for, friendships can make up for a good part of it. Find single friends who have the same desire to travel.

 

Being content with your life doesn't mean you should stop looking for a partner. But you can save yourself a great deal of anxiety if you don't focus on it too much and adress your issues.

Edited January 20, 2016 by contel3