Pregnant and Lost

[Michart]

Marc (My fiance) and I have been together for 3 years. I am 30, his is 41. We have lived together for a year and a half. I am 17 weeks pregnant and this was not a planned pregnancy. Marc has stated that he wasn't interested in having children and I had already went through a very hard pregnancy years prior that resulted in a still-born. I have endometrtiosis, and a history of large ovarian cysts and multiple surgeries. I didn't want to go through such a situation again.

 

When my boyfriend (we were not officially engaged at the time, though he had asked me 2 years before) found out I was pregnant, he went into blame mode. Accused me of forgetting a pill, said I ruined his life, we got into an argument that would ultimately make or break us. I gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted to leave, we could go our separate ways and I would have an abortion. I did not want to be a single mother, it is my greatest fear and needed a supportive partner. The other option would be to finally make our engagement official and we would do the best we could to start a family. At first he chose to leave, so I set up the appointment and went to the first appointment. On the morning of the day I would have the procedure, he stopped me and a few days later bought a ring. It wasn't romantic, or how either of us wanted, but it was a piece of mind where I needed reassurance that he wasn't going to up and leave the second our child was born. We agreed we would do the best we could because neither of us wanted to end a life. We knew it would be hard.

 

I switched my career to be with my fiancee a couple of years ago, it was a difficult choice, and financially I took a blow, but managed to buy a house for us. It's small and out-dated, but it's my first house and will work for now. My fiancee works for himself as a gardener and does well. He is financially secure and has plenty saved up to where he doesn't have to ever really worry about money. He helped me start up a similar business of my own. At first we were partners in my garden, he was making 50% as well as what he was making at his own business. Eventually I had enough to pay him for any expenses he had put in and 'bought him out' and took over the work. However, since he built the garden, the agreement was that for the next 6 months he would receive 30% of the profits for his efforts. The 6 months are up, but until all of what is already growing is harvested and payed for he will continue to receive 30% and it will probably still be for awhile. I have managed to save up a little, enough to last me a few months if something happened. But with a child on the way, and a vastly changing market for this kind of business, we aren't sure how much longer we will be able to continue in this line of work. I want to have enough saved up to where I can open up something else so I won't have to weigh tables. There's no option to go back to what I was doing before, unfortunately.

 

Our living situation is similar to that of roomates, as far as finances go. We split everything 50/50 and if we buy anything for the house (shower curtain, toilet paper, etc) It's written on a piece of paper on the fridge and we split it at the end of the month. If we go out, it's split 50/50 most of the time since our engagement. We pay all of our own finances seperately (insurance, etc) It doesn't matter who's better off financially, everything is cut evenly in half and is the plan for the baby as well.

 

I do all of the shopping for the household, all of the cooking, and most all of the chores besides garbage. Marc says that if I don't want to clean he doesn't care, and that he shouldn't have to do it because if we weren't living together he would only clean twice a year, so he feels that if a clean house makes me happy then I should be the one to do it. Same thing with dinner, he says if I wanted to we could just feed ourselves separately and he could just eat pizza and sandwiches every day. So he shouldn't have to do the shopping or the cooking. He will wash his own dishes and the plates we use at dinner. Every once in awhile if he's out of something, he does laundry. Is any of this normal?

 

All of this I could live with, reluctantly at times, but it was doable. Since my pregnancy, I have been so exhausted and stressed that getting everything done has become a great struggle. The entire first trimester I had been practically bed and couch-bound for the first 4 hours after waking up, and sometimes for entire days. I threw up constantly. The nausea is still very much there and most days the very act of standing for a period of time makes me see spots and I've come very close to passing out. I work as a country club waitress 16 hours a week also, which involves standing, lifting, and pretty intense labor. A case of wine can weigh up to 30lbs and a stacked tray of dirty plates even more. I come home and sometimes get right back to work at home. I work 7 days in the garden, as my fiancee does at his. Sometimes the day can be 2 hours long, sometimes 8 or more. There is a lot of physical labor involved there too, lifting 20-30lb pots of dirt, everything is watered with multiple 5 gallon buckets of water. Then pruning can be done sitting, but it takes 4-6 hours. On top of this, the normal household chores. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Marc says I should wake up earlier so I can have more energy in the middle of the day. But it doesn't work like that...there is no miracle that happened at some point where all of my energy comes back and I can do everything I had before and feel normal. I wish there was. I'm lucky to get a few good hours a day before the exhaustion and nausia begins again.

 

Marc will pick up dirt for me at the store while he is buying his own, as it is too heavy. My garden is attached to our house so it's convenient. I have asked him on special occasions to help me move buckets of water, since my back really has been hurting and he will help reluctantly, but reminds me that the business is mine and that he shouldn't be expected to do anything extra unless he is getting a percentage or exchange in work. He says it would be easy to just scoop out the water from each bucket with a smaller bucket and make multiple trips instead of asking him. He also has taken over the responsibility of spraying my plants (to prevent bugs) since I shouldn't be breathing it in. He says that since he has to spray my plants, that I should make up the work at his greenhouse by spending equal amount of hours there or pay him. Spraying is a lot of work, and he will have to do it for about 2 hours every 4 or 5 days for the next 2 months. I did it before pregnancy, and wish he did not have to do it for me now. The problem is, I am already physically and mentally exhausted with everything I already have going on. Marc tells me to stop using pregnancy as an excuse and that I'm just being lazy. He calls me selfish and says that if I want 100% of the profit for my garden than I should do 100% of the work. This goes for little things too, such as emptying a dehumidifier in the kitchen is related to the business and he should not have to do that either. I do not want him to do everything for me! I just want help...I just want support! He tells me not to bring up cooking and cleaning because it's not related and that he doesn't care if I ever clean or make dinner again. Occasionally I will ask him to make the bed or pick up clothes piles or do laundry, and he tells me I'm ing and complaining about things that don't matter to him. Once I got him to clean the bathtub since I could not use bleach, and he said that he'll never do it again at that I can just use a respirator.

 

I feel so helpless. I understand his points, he has his own work to do, but I don't understand why I feel like I am in a relationship with a room mate when I am carrying his child inside of me. It should not be like this, there should be more unity and understanding. So what should I do? I feel so uncared for and unsupported in every way possible in this pregnancy. I'm exhausted and frustrated and so is he. We are fighting over these issues and there doesn't seem to be a good solution that will make it any easier. I never said that I wouldn't help him in his garden, though I did say that I will not over exert myself and that I already do too much as it is. Isn't being pregnant enough work in itself? Should I really have to pay him back for anything that I cannot do because of it? Does anyone else's husbands or boyfriends demand repayment for extra work they've had to do while they were expecting? It seems so thoughtless that he thinks I'm using pregnancy as an excuse to get out of responsibilities, often I question how much he really cares about me, he calls me selfish and tells me that I'm basically calling him a bad person all of the time and complain too much. I'll call him greedy and eventually he leaves the house and stays at his garden for the night and blocks my number so I cannot reach him. Often times he tells me that he hates the fact that he's 'stuck' with me. Am I being unreasonable? I just want him to come home and ask me how I'm feeling every once in awhile, I don't expect to be pampered or weighed on, but if I say my back hurts he says his too because he worked out. If I ask for a back rub, he asks if he'll get one too. If I say I'm tired, he says he is too. If I talk about feelings, he leaves the room. I need to feel loved and appreciated. I need to feel that he is going to be there the ways that he needs to be. I am at my wits end and do not have any idea how to get through to my fiancee. He has no knowledge of what it means to be pregnant and tells me I'm exaggerating. I have rupturing cysts, endometriosis pains, my back hurts constantly, I'm nauseated all of the time and am constantly crying because I don't feel understood or emotionally supported and he has no desire to learn about pregnancy or what I am going through. Our last fight was a bad one and I am feeling so lost. Maybe he doesn't want to understand because the idea of stepping up and doing more than what he already does stresses him out? There is very little I can say that will get through, its all viewed as a complaint. It's like a huge communication barrier and emotional disconnect. Everything I say is a nagging exaggeration. I feel as if he is not allowing me to be pregnant. I'm not allowed to ask for anything or get help with anything util I'm too big to move. I'm an emotional wreck and feeling stressed out beyond anything I've ever felt before.

 

I do not think Marc is some terrible person, and I know that he handles stress by shutting me out and does not want any extra responsibilities. It becomes an emotional disconnect and nothing I say gets through. I also know I am not getting the support that I need, and I've spoken up, several occasions. He even once told me that maybe he could do a better job being supportive in this. But then nothing changes. He will be nice at times, we get along for a couple of days but then I'll ask him to help with something around the house or he'll have to spray the garden and it's right back to this.

 

Our last fight Marc screamed in my face and hit the back of my chair as if trying to scare me. It was the result of a business disagreement. I honestly feel that sometimes Marc cares about making money more than my health and well-being. He tells me this is not true. Sometimes I question his intentions and it makes him very mad. Now he will probably ignore me for days and I will get even less support than I need in the meantime. He told me he hated me and that he hates that he has to marry me. I realize sometimes he says things out of anger but my emotions are already all over the place, and to hear those words makes me fear having this child and that he's going to up and leave.

 

Is there anyone out there who's ever been in a similar situation? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[Satu]

No matter what you might think, and no matter what excuses you might make for him, he's abusive.

 

 

Look at this list, and decide for yourself if you are being abused.

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

If any of those apply, you're being abused.

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

Marc (My fiance) and I have been together for 3 years. I am 30, his is 41. We have lived together for a year and a half. I am 17 weeks pregnant and this was not a planned pregnancy. Marc has stated that he wasn't interested in having children and I had already went through a very hard pregnancy years prior that resulted in a still-born. I have endometrtiosis, and a history of large ovarian cysts and multiple surgeries. I didn't want to go through such a situation again.

 

When my boyfriend (we were not officially engaged at the time, though he had asked me 2 years before) found out I was pregnant, he went into blame mode. Accused me of forgetting a pill, said I ruined his life, we got into an argument that would ultimately make or break us. I gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted to leave, we could go our separate ways and I would have an abortion. I did not want to be a single mother, it is my greatest fear and needed a supportive partner. The other option would be to finally make our engagement official and we would do the best we could to start a family. At first he chose to leave, so I set up the appointment and went to the first appointment. On the morning of the day I would have the procedure, he stopped me and a few days later bought a ring. It wasn't romantic, or how either of us wanted, but it was a piece of mind where I needed reassurance that he wasn't going to up and leave the second our child was born. We agreed we would do the best we could because neither of us wanted to end a life. We knew it would be hard.

 

I switched my career to be with my fiancee a couple of years ago, it was a difficult choice, and financially I took a blow, but managed to buy a house for us. It's small and out-dated, but it's my first house and will work for now. My fiancee works for himself as a gardener and does well. He is financially secure and has plenty saved up to where he doesn't have to ever really worry about money. He helped me start up a similar business of my own. At first we were partners in my garden, he was making 50% as well as what he was making at his own business. Eventually I had enough to pay him for any expenses he had put in and 'bought him out' and took over the work. However, since he built the garden, the agreement was that for the next 6 months he would receive 30% of the profits for his efforts. The 6 months are up, but until all of what is already growing is harvested and payed for he will continue to receive 30% and it will probably still be for awhile. I have managed to save up a little, enough to last me a few months if something happened. But with a child on the way, and a vastly changing market for this kind of business, we aren't sure how much longer we will be able to continue in this line of work. I want to have enough saved up to where I can open up something else so I won't have to weigh tables. There's no option to go back to what I was doing before, unfortunately.

 

Our living situation is similar to that of roomates, as far as finances go. We split everything 50/50 and if we buy anything for the house (shower curtain, toilet paper, etc) It's written on a piece of paper on the fridge and we split it at the end of the month. If we go out, it's split 50/50 most of the time since our engagement. We pay all of our own finances seperately (insurance, etc) It doesn't matter who's better off financially, everything is cut evenly in half and is the plan for the baby as well.

 

I do all of the shopping for the household, all of the cooking, and most all of the chores besides garbage. Marc says that if I don't want to clean he doesn't care, and that he shouldn't have to do it because if we weren't living together he would only clean twice a year, so he feels that if a clean house makes me happy then I should be the one to do it. Same thing with dinner, he says if I wanted to we could just feed ourselves separately and he could just eat pizza and sandwiches every day. So he shouldn't have to do the shopping or the cooking. He will wash his own dishes and the plates we use at dinner. Every once in awhile if he's out of something, he does laundry. Is any of this normal?

 

All of this I could live with, reluctantly at times, but it was doable. Since my pregnancy, I have been so exhausted and stressed that getting everything done has become a great struggle. The entire first trimester I had been practically bed and couch-bound for the first 4 hours after waking up, and sometimes for entire days. I threw up constantly. The nausea is still very much there and most days the very act of standing for a period of time makes me see spots and I've come very close to passing out. I work as a country club waitress 16 hours a week also, which involves standing, lifting, and pretty intense labor. A case of wine can weigh up to 30lbs and a stacked tray of dirty plates even more. I come home and sometimes get right back to work at home. I work 7 days in the garden, as my fiancee does at his. Sometimes the day can be 2 hours long, sometimes 8 or more. There is a lot of physical labor involved there too, lifting 20-30lb pots of dirt, everything is watered with multiple 5 gallon buckets of water. Then pruning can be done sitting, but it takes 4-6 hours. On top of this, the normal household chores. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Marc says I should wake up earlier so I can have more energy in the middle of the day. But it doesn't work like that...there is no miracle that happened at some point where all of my energy comes back and I can do everything I had before and feel normal. I wish there was. I'm lucky to get a few good hours a day before the exhaustion and nausia begins again.

 

Marc will pick up dirt for me at the store while he is buying his own, as it is too heavy. My garden is attached to our house so it's convenient. I have asked him on special occasions to help me move buckets of water, since my back really has been hurting and he will help reluctantly, but reminds me that the business is mine and that he shouldn't be expected to do anything extra unless he is getting a percentage or exchange in work. He says it would be easy to just scoop out the water from each bucket with a smaller bucket and make multiple trips instead of asking him. He also has taken over the responsibility of spraying my plants (to prevent bugs) since I shouldn't be breathing it in. He says that since he has to spray my plants, that I should make up the work at his greenhouse by spending equal amount of hours there or pay him. Spraying is a lot of work, and he will have to do it for about 2 hours every 4 or 5 days for the next 2 months. I did it before pregnancy, and wish he did not have to do it for me now. The problem is, I am already physically and mentally exhausted with everything I already have going on. Marc tells me to stop using pregnancy as an excuse and that I'm just being lazy. He calls me selfish and says that if I want 100% of the profit for my garden than I should do 100% of the work. This goes for little things too, such as emptying a dehumidifier in the kitchen is related to the business and he should not have to do that either. I do not want him to do everything for me! I just want help...I just want support! He tells me not to bring up cooking and cleaning because it's not related and that he doesn't care if I ever clean or make dinner again. Occasionally I will ask him to make the bed or pick up clothes piles or do laundry, and he tells me I'm ing and complaining about things that don't matter to him. Once I got him to clean the bathtub since I could not use bleach, and he said that he'll never do it again at that I can just use a respirator.

 

I feel so helpless. I understand his points, he has his own work to do, but I don't understand why I feel like I am in a relationship with a room mate when I am carrying his child inside of me. It should not be like this, there should be more unity and understanding. So what should I do? I feel so uncared for and unsupported in every way possible in this pregnancy. I'm exhausted and frustrated and so is he. We are fighting over these issues and there doesn't seem to be a good solution that will make it any easier. I never said that I wouldn't help him in his garden, though I did say that I will not over exert myself and that I already do too much as it is. Isn't being pregnant enough work in itself? Should I really have to pay him back for anything that I cannot do because of it? Does anyone else's husbands or boyfriends demand repayment for extra work they've had to do while they were expecting? It seems so thoughtless that he thinks I'm using pregnancy as an excuse to get out of responsibilities, often I question how much he really cares about me, he calls me selfish and tells me that I'm basically calling him a bad person all of the time and complain too much. I'll call him greedy and eventually he leaves the house and stays at his garden for the night and blocks my number so I cannot reach him. Often times he tells me that he hates the fact that he's 'stuck' with me. Am I being unreasonable? I just want him to come home and ask me how I'm feeling every once in awhile, I don't expect to be pampered or weighed on, but if I say my back hurts he says his too because he worked out. If I ask for a back rub, he asks if he'll get one too. If I say I'm tired, he says he is too. If I talk about feelings, he leaves the room. I need to feel loved and appreciated. I need to feel that he is going to be there the ways that he needs to be. I am at my wits end and do not have any idea how to get through to my fiancee. He has no knowledge of what it means to be pregnant and tells me I'm exaggerating. I have rupturing cysts, endometriosis pains, my back hurts constantly, I'm nauseated all of the time and am constantly crying because I don't feel understood or emotionally supported and he has no desire to learn about pregnancy or what I am going through. Our last fight was a bad one and I am feeling so lost. Maybe he doesn't want to understand because the idea of stepping up and doing more than what he already does stresses him out? There is very little I can say that will get through, its all viewed as a complaint. It's like a huge communication barrier and emotional disconnect. Everything I say is a nagging exaggeration. I feel as if he is not allowing me to be pregnant. I'm not allowed to ask for anything or get help with anything util I'm too big to move. I'm an emotional wreck and feeling stressed out beyond anything I've ever felt before.

 

I do not think Marc is some terrible person, and I know that he handles stress by shutting me out and does not want any extra responsibilities. It becomes an emotional disconnect and nothing I say gets through. I also know I am not getting the support that I need, and I've spoken up, several occasions. He even once told me that maybe he could do a better job being supportive in this. But then nothing changes. He will be nice at times, we get along for a couple of days but then I'll ask him to help with something around the house or he'll have to spray the garden and it's right back to this.

 

Our last fight Marc screamed in my face and hit the back of my chair as if trying to scare me. It was the result of a business disagreement. I honestly feel that sometimes Marc cares about making money more than my health and well-being. He tells me this is not true. Sometimes I question his intentions and it makes him very mad. Now he will probably ignore me for days and I will get even less support than I need in the meantime. He told me he hated me and that he hates that he has to marry me. I realize sometimes he says things out of anger but my emotions are already all over the place, and to hear those words makes me fear having this child and that he's going to up and leave.

 

Is there anyone out there who's ever been in a similar situation? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

 

I know that he handles stress by shutting me out and does not want any extra responsibilities. -- You are getting a bird's eye view of what your life will be like when the biggest responsibility arrives . . . time to move on. Single parenting is doable and better for the child in this case. It is better for a child to come from a broken home than be in one . . .

[SoleMate]

This is not a normal relationship. You get virtually no support. Sometimes being alone is actually easier. Sounds like Marc doesn't really want any of the shared life you are longing for. Pregnancy is hard enough even when you have a devoted husband caring for you....which you don't. You have a hard choice ahead of you. Hugs.

[Michart]

Of course a lot of those things listed rang true. Anyone in a relationship after an argument can probably agree with at least a handful of those things. Although I have mentioned emotional abuse, I do believe that this is more of a emotional disconnect than intent to abuse. He does not handle stress well, and perhaps this is not a good excuse.

We do love each other, and when things are good everything is normal and fine. It's just whenever finances or asking him to do anything he doesn't want to do get thrown into the picture the heat gets turned up and we end up back in this vicious cycle.

There's without a doubt lack of empathy, though he accuses me of not seeing his perspective. I try to put myself in his shoes... if I were to do all of the things he expects of me, like leaving a dirty house, eating hot dogs and pizza, over exerting my body, then I would not be taking care of myself or this unborn child. This leaves a situation where I can either make him happy and neglect myself or try to get him to understand and try to find a balance.

I guess I just wrote this because I have no one else to really talk to about it. Maybe someone would have insight or had went through something similar that ended up working out and I would feel some hope.

[Michart]

This is not a normal relationship. You get virtually no support. Sometimes being alone is actually easier. Sounds like Marc doesn't really want any of the shared life you are longing for. Pregnancy is hard enough even when you have a devoted husband caring for you....which you don't. You have a hard choice ahead of you. Hugs.

 

Thank you. I fear you may be correct and I hope it gets easier.

[brothers343]

You are really in a bad situation that can seriously do you harm and do harm to your unborn baby. Which Im guessing that you know that everything you feel so does the baby. I feel that when you get married everything thats yours is his and vice versa. He doesn't want to clean or cook. He sounds like a dirty guy. And why would you want that. The man is 41 years old and his doing all this **** to you. That's a looser and believe me you can do better. My advise is save as much as you can for yourself and leave him. I have seen cases like you in my line of work and they all mostly end bad. There's a great saying that goes (god is the word for mother on the lips of all children) did you notice that father wasn't mentioned. You and your child can do without him. Good luck.

[Satu]

Of course a lot of those things listed rang true. Anyone in a relationship after an argument can probably agree with at least a handful of those things. Although I have mentioned emotional abuse, I do believe that this is more of a emotional disconnect than intent to abuse. He does not handle stress well, and perhaps this is not a good excuse.

We do love each other, and when things are good everything is normal and fine. It's just whenever finances or asking him to do anything he doesn't want to do get thrown into the picture the heat gets turned up and we end up back in this vicious cycle.

There's without a doubt lack of empathy, though he accuses me of not seeing his perspective. I try to put myself in his shoes... if I were to do all of the things he expects of me, like leaving a dirty house, eating hot dogs and pizza, over exerting my body, then I would not be taking care of myself or this unborn child. This leaves a situation where I can either make him happy and neglect myself or try to get him to understand and try to find a balance.

I guess I just wrote this because I have no one else to really talk to about it. Maybe someone would have insight or had went through something similar that ended up working out and I would feel some hope.

 

 

As I said:

 

No matter what you might think, and no matter what excuses you might make for him, he's abusive.

 

 

Take care.

[ShatteredLady]

The most important thing at the moment is your health & the health of your baby. I'm sure that you've researched, read books, seen an obgyn etc. your body & muscles are changing.

 

PLEASE listen to me. I have a degenerative spine, chronic pain condition. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! DO NOT lift things that are too heavy for you. DO NOT over exert yourself. Listen to your body. PLEASE!! If he won't help can you afford to pay for business help & a cleaner? If not, just do what's absolutely necessary.

 

Do you have family & friends that can help you while pregnant?

 

Let's be honest about this. He might love his money a lot but whatever happens long term in your relationship he will have to support his child financially by LAW.

 

You're like me. You make way too many excuses for him. Some men don't wake-up & 'get-it' until they feel their child move inside of you. Some it's when they hold their child. Some never get it & it's you & your baby against the world...that can also be a WONDERFUL feeling!

 

I've NEVER been in a relationship where everything is split 50/50 once we lived together. He's VERY selfish. This baby is 50/50 & so far you're doing EVERYTHING! Are you close to his mother or sisters? If so please talk to them. Someone needs to talk sense into him.

 

This is relationship forum so that's most of the advise that you're going to receive. I believe that you desperately need relationship help but for now, as I said, it's about you & your baby. Things you do now can effect both of you for LIFE!

 

Are you planning on getting married before the baby is born? I don't know if that could be of financial advantage where you live.

 

You're going to find this a strange statement - 'Stop being selfish!'. I mean stop thinking about him & making excuses for him. You're a MOTHER. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!

[Michart]

The most important thing at the moment is your health & the health of your baby. I'm sure that you've researched, read books, seen an obgyn etc. your body & muscles are changing.

 

PLEASE listen to me. I have a degenerative spine, chronic pain condition. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! DO NOT lift things that are too heavy for you. DO NOT over exert yourself. Listen to your body. PLEASE!! If he won't help can you afford to pay for business help & a cleaner? If not, just do what's absolutely necessary.

 

Do you have family & friends that can help you while pregnant?

 

Let's be honest about this. He might love his money a lot but whatever happens long term in your relationship he will have to support his child financially by LAW.

 

You're like me. You make way too many excuses for him. Some men don't wake-up & 'get-it' until they feel their child move inside of you. Some it's when they hold their child. Some never get it & it's you & your baby against the world...that can also be a WONDERFUL feeling!

 

I've NEVER been in a relationship where everything is split 50/50 once we lived together. He's VERY selfish. This baby is 50/50 & so far you're doing EVERYTHING! Are you close to his mother or sisters? If so please talk to them. Someone needs to talk sense into him.

 

This is relationship forum so that's most of the advise that you're going to receive. I believe that you desperately need relationship help but for now, as I said, it's about you & your baby. Things you do now can effect both of you for LIFE!

 

Are you planning on getting married before the baby is born? I don't know if that could be of financial advantage where you live.

 

You're going to find this a strange statement - 'Stop being selfish!'. I mean stop thinking about him & making excuses for him. You're a MOTHER. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!

 

I am sorry to hear about your medical condition, that sounds very painful. I do have a little money saved, and I do ok for now financially assuming I can get the work done as needed. Hiring someone probably wouldn't be an option and my mother already has my brother's 4 kids (all under 7) 5 days a week and is elderly as well as suffers from a lung disease. I could not ask her for much assistance.

 

I hope it does sink it for him once the baby is born. In the meantime, living like this will be difficult, since I don't think there is any getting through to him until that happens.

 

I have, actually, considered speaking with his mother. So many times I thought that she'd be someone who might be able to get through to Marc. She is a wonderful woman, but he is her son. I feel like dragging his parents in the middle of this would be unfair and could possibility alter their opinion of me. As much as I get along with his parents, I think all parents take the side of their child, understandably. I would never want to risk altering the relationship with their grandchild either.

[Doublegold]

This is one of the saddest posts I have read on LS. What should be an exciting, expectant, bonding time in both your lives as you await the birth of your child has been diminished in the worst way with his fanatical scorekeeping. He is a miserly monster.

 

Do you have any family nearby to help you, so you can get rest and attention, love and support? Edited: We must of posted at the same time I just read about the situation with your Mother.

 

I am so sorry that you are suffering in this way.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Doublegold

[devilish innocent]

I'll be honest even though it's probably not what you want to hear. I don't see how you have any type of a relationship or partnership.

 

I think you made the same mistake that a lot of people make. You treated the engagement as the one important sign of commitment. An engagement, even a marriage, doesn't prove any type of commitment. The only thing an engagement proves is that he's willing to purchase a ring and claim to want to marry you. The only thing getting married proves is that a person is willing to walk down the aisle, say a few words, and sign a piece of paper. It doesn't always mean that any of that is important to the person.

 

The real evidence of being committed to somebody is being there for them day in and day out. You see them being unhappy and put your own desires aside to help them. You don't worry about how minor financial purchases are split because you see yourselves becoming one unit. You listen when they need to talk. You view yourself as a "we" not a "me and you". In all these areas, he is failing.

 

You say he treats you like a roommate. I think most people would put in more effort to work things out with a stranger they were rooming with than he's willing to put in for you. If you need a "supportive partner" to help you raise your child, then you don't have that. His shown with words and actions that he wants to live his own life, not support you in any way.

[VeveCakes]

Sorry for the loss of your first child, that must have been devastating.

 

This man is not a partner and will not take care of you. To be honest he sounds like a complete child with no pride. Clean his house twice a year? Yuk. Doubt he will want to change diapers at this rate.

 

You deserve better and so does your unborn child.

[Michart]

I'll be honest even though it's probably not what you want to hear. I don't see how you have any type of a relationship or partnership.

 

I think you made the same mistake that a lot of people make. You treated the engagement as the one important sign of commitment. An engagement, even a marriage, doesn't prove any type of commitment. The only thing an engagement proves is that he's willing to purchase a ring and claim to want to marry you. The only thing getting married proves is that a person is willing to walk down the aisle, say a few words, and sign a piece of paper. It doesn't always mean that any of that is important to the person.

 

The real evidence of being committed to somebody is being there for them day in and day out. You see them being unhappy and put your own desires aside to help them. You don't worry about how minor financial purchases are split because you see yourselves becoming one unit. You listen when they need to talk. You view yourself as a "we" not a "me and you". In all these areas, he is failing.

 

You say he treats you like a roommate. I think most people would put in more effort to work things out with a stranger they were rooming with than he's willing to put in for you. If you need a "supportive partner" to help you raise your child, then you don't have that. His shown with words and actions that he wants to live his own life, not support you in any way.

 

Sadly, he tells me all of the time in the heat of arguments that he feels forced to marry me. He thought that if he bought me a ring I would stop getting on his case about needs and feelings. It did initially make me feel that if he was willing to make such a commitment, then he'd stick it out through the hard times and be willing to show support. But lately I feel as if it's done the exact opposite. He resents me for it and now just feels he can leave for nights at a time without contact since he's 'proven' this commitment.

 

I absolutely agree that a commitment should be a unified partnerships. There shouldn't be some line drawn in the sand that stakes claims on what's mine or what's his. But this is our situation. We've reached a brick wall and every brick I knock down he adds 2 more.

[anika99]

You are really in a bad situation that can seriously do you harm and do harm to your unborn baby. Which Im guessing that you know that everything you feel so does the baby. I feel that when you get married everything thats yours is his and vice versa. He doesn't want to clean or cook. He sounds like a dirty guy. And why would you want that. The man is 41 years old and his doing all this **** to you. That's a looser and believe me you can do better. My advise is save as much as you can for yourself and leave him. I have seen cases like you in my line of work and they all mostly end bad. There's a great saying that goes (god is the word for mother on the lips of all children) did you notice that father wasn't mentioned. You and your child can do without him. Good luck.

 

Oh wow, I missed that this dude is 41. He behaves like a 16yr old. 41yrs old and wants to eat junk everyday and clean his house twice a year...just eww! I couldn't imagine being married to someone like this, it sounds like misery.

 

OP I was a single parent and it sounds to me like my life was easier than yours. I can't picture your fiancé being a giving and caring father. He is far too immature and selfish and I think your child will be raised in a dysfunctional home. I mean your relationship is already dysfunctional and that certainly isn't going to get better when the baby comes. I think you need to start planning to be single.

[Lois_Griffin]

I switched my career to be with my fiancee a couple of years ago, it was a difficult choice, and financially I took a blow, but managed to buy a house for us. It's small and out-dated, but it's my first house and will work for now.

So you bought a house and he just lives in it and pays rent?

 

Our living situation is similar to that of roomates, as far as finances go. We split everything 50/50 and if we buy anything for the house (shower curtain, toilet paper, etc) It's written on a piece of paper on the fridge and we split it at the end of the month. If we go out, it's split 50/50 most of the time since our engagement. We pay all of our own finances seperately (insurance, etc) It doesn't matter who's better off financially, everything is cut evenly in half and is the plan for the baby as well.

Ugh. This sounds like college roommates. Splitting the cost of Freakin toilet paper???

 

I do all of the shopping for the household, all of the cooking, and most all of the chores besides garbage. Marc says that if I don't want to clean he doesn't care, and that he shouldn't have to do it because if we weren't living together he would only clean twice a year, so he feels that if a clean house makes me happy then I should be the one to do it. Same thing with dinner, he says if I wanted to we could just feed ourselves separately and he could just eat pizza and sandwiches every day. So he shouldn't have to do the shopping or the cooking. He will wash his own dishes and the plates we use at dinner. Every once in awhile if he's out of something, he does laundry. Is any of this normal?

Unfortunately, it's the 'normal' for lazy ass men who insist on equality - making sure you SPLIT the cost of everything right down to toilet paper and dishwashing liquid - then want to forget the equality argument when it comes to doing their SHARE around the house. It's actually pretty typical of these types.

 

I've said it many times - most women work MUCH harder than men in relationships. He's getting to live your house, split all the expenses which is cheaper than living on his own, and he gets a maid service, cook, and house servant on top of it. What are YOU getting that's extra?

 

Yeah, I thought so.

 

And now on TOP of doing it all and paying half of everything, you'll get to carry and give birth to a child that you'll probably ALSO be 95% responsible for on top of everything else you're already doing. Lucky you!

 

Marc says I should wake up earlier so I can have more energy in the middle of the day.

This guy is SUCH an arrogant, selfish a*sshole. I wouldn't even get a dog with this guy, much less have a kid with him. That wouldn't have happened in my world.

 

My garden is attached to our house so it's convenient. I have asked him on special occasions to help me move buckets of water, since my back really has been hurting and he will help reluctantly, but reminds me that the business is mine and that he shouldn't be expected to do anything extra unless he is getting a percentage or exchange in work.

I repeat. Arrogant, selfish a*sshole.

 

He says it would be easy to just scoop out the water from each bucket with a smaller bucket and make multiple trips instead of asking him. He also has taken over the responsibility of spraying my plants (to prevent bugs) since I shouldn't be breathing it in. He says that since he has to spray my plants, that I should make up the work at his greenhouse by spending equal amount of hours there or pay him.

This is who you're stuck with by choosing to have a child with him. I feel sorry for you. This was about the shallowest end of the gene pool you could have possibly chose from.

 

I do not want him to do everything for me! I just want help...I just want support! He tells me not to bring up cooking and cleaning because it's not related and that he doesn't care if I ever clean or make dinner again. Occasionally I will ask him to make the bed or pick up clothes piles or do laundry, and he tells me I'm ing and complaining about things that don't matter to him. Once I got him to clean the bathtub since I could not use bleach, and he said that he'll never do it again at that I can just use a respirator.

What can I say? You chose to be with this jerk. I don't know what to tell you except you made a huge mistake. HUGE mistake.

 

I do not think Marc is some terrible person...

And that's why you're in the mess you're IN. I can see all the way from here what a complete selfish a*sshole he is and wouldn't give him the time of day.

 

Is there anyone out there who's ever been in a similar situation?

Honestly, no. I don't have men's children out of wedlock and MORE, I don't stay with selfish as*sholes who think I'm nothing more than a way for them to live cheaper than if they lived on their own. That's all you ARE to him. A means to live cheaper and bonus - he gets his laundry done, his house cleaned, his food cooked, his food shopping done, and everything else done but wiping his ass for him And of course, he claims he wants none of it and it's YOUR driving need to live in a clean house and eat dinner every night, so therefore, it's your problem that you're working your butt off to provide these things.

 

I'd boot his worthless ass out of that house so damned fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day.

 

You made a mistake. A huge one. I'm sorry, but you did.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[Lois_Griffin]

Sadly, he tells me all of the time in the heat of arguments that he feels forced to marry me. He thought that if he bought me a ring I would stop getting on his case about needs and feelings. It did initially make me feel that if he was willing to make such a commitment, then he'd stick it out through the hard times and be willing to show support. But lately I feel as if it's done the exact opposite. He resents me for it and now just feels he can leave for nights at a time without contact since he's 'proven' this commitment.

 

I absolutely agree that a commitment should be a unified partnerships. There shouldn't be some line drawn in the sand that stakes claims on what's mine or what's his. But this is our situation. We've reached a brick wall and every brick I knock down he adds 2 more.

Why would you WANT to be with someone who has shown you MANY times and TOLD you many times that he clearly didn't want to marry you? He even chose to abort your child and then changed his mind at the 11th hour.

 

 

Why would you put ONE ounce of faith in someone like this? Why?

[The D Train]

I didn't read all this but someone needs to have a stern talk with him about responsibilities. His son or daughter is growing inside you and he needs to be a father - period.

 

 

I was an unplanned child and many people told my mom to have an abortion as times were tough. I am sure glad my mom and dad stuck it out and endured the hard times. We all turned out ok.

[anika99]

Great break down by Lois there,

 

 

OP why would you think that being with this guy is better than being single. You have to pay him or barter with him to get him to do anything for you. That's what single people do. I'm single and when I need help I either pay someone to do it or I get a caring friend to help out because they know I would help them in their time of need too.

 

 

You ask if any of this is normal. NO it's not. It's outrageous and unacceptable. He is unbelievably self centered and childish.

[SoleMate]

Lois pretty much laid it out for you. I didn't want to be so harsh, but perhaps she's right. Beating your head against a brick wall will not improve the wall, it just hurts and frustrates you. People are what they are. You have a hard choice....the "Ann Landers" choice......are you better off with or without him? And I mean, Him, as he is. You can't make choices based on the fantasy version of him, you have to base it on reality. Objectively, based on the facts you provide, he is:

* Cheap and stingy

* Selfish

* A slob

* Lazy

* Mean

* Childishly irresponsible

* Petty

* Unkind, uncaring, lacking in empathy and compassion

* Uncommitted

* Out for himself

* Unhusbandly

* Unfatherly

* Unmanly

* Dishonest

* Untrustworthy

 

Looked at objectively, is there anything good about him? If so, does it even begin to outweigh the many, many obvious serious problems? You deserve far better and so does your kid. And the fact is, you're headed for single motherhood regardless of whether he stays or goes. Hugs, wishing you the best with your hard decisions.

[Michart]

I do appreciate everything that's been said. And a lot of it hit close to home and made me cry. There are things that I realize I have to do for myself and my unborn child and that this stress is not helping either of us. My fiancee does have a house in which he does not live in but uses it for his business. It's part of his garden site. We each pay our own bills for our own businesses and live in my house where we split the bills for our living situation.

 

I did write him an email, and tried to be as unbiased as possible (man, that's a hard thing to do when you feel like having an emotional breakdown) But it was my very last effort to try to get an understanding. He also wrote an email that contains his point of view , I feel it's only fair to get both perspectives. This was written after the 3rd night of abandonment and I asked him to pack his things unless he was willing to see someone professional with me.

 

Marc's words:

 

This is what I need you to say to me to fix our situation:

1). I am pregnant, so I will need you to do certain things for me in the garden that I am unable to do such as spray for bugs. Of course I will do things to help you out in return such as prune since it is not physical and there is no excuse why I couldn't prune. It is only fair since you have always done way too much for my business as it is. And you have way too much to do at your garden as it is. Also, I asked for 100% of the profits, and it is unacceptable for me not to help you in return with easier duties. Thank you for all your help so far, and I appreciate that you do the more difficult duties and leave me with the easier duties. I know you care about me and the baby and you will do what you can to help out.

2). I know I can bicker and pester you a lot about little things. Sometimes I go overboard and should pay attention to all the good things you do instead of focusing on all your faults. I realize it upsets you when I always get on your case about little things such as a few crumbs on the counter or an unmade bed. I realize you know what I want from you and I don't need to constantly pester you. I know you try to do the little things that I ask, but we are only human and sometimes forget.

3) I need to pay more attention to the words that come out of my mouth. I often say things that are understandably upsetting to you. I really need to ask myself, "will I make him feel better or worse by what I'm about to say". If anything, I need to say positive things to make you feel better about yourself since your disorder already has you believing you are worthless and underserving of life. I apologize for ever making you feel so bad about yourself.

4). You are awesome!

[Michart]

The disorder he speaks of is anxiety. The problem is, I already feel so overwhelmed and over exerted. The second job, the house work, the garden...it's all so much and I've been so exhausted lately. The extra things he does for me is pick up dirt and will have to spray, in which he wants equal hours in return in his garden. I understand this is a lot of work also, but what am I supposed to do? Do I just do as he asks? I'm so confused. Should I actually say these things to him and try to mend this or just give up?

Edited January 19, 2016 by Michart

[MJJean]

To answer your original question, no. No, I haven't been in such a position because I simply wouldn't tolerate being treated so shabbily by ANYONE, much less a forced "fiance" who seems like a combination of the worst traits of roommate and miserly,petulant, selfish, child.

 

Geeze, my exH was a real piece of work. I used to think he was the biggest POS out there. Then I read your post. At least my ex was supportive and there for me when I was carrying the girls.

 

You'd get more love and care as a pregnant woman from people on the street! That is basic human decency, which this creature calling himself a man seems to lack entirely.

 

 

Find your spine, Momma! You do NOT want your precious baby born into a household where someone like the douchenozzle you sadly settled for is the example of manhood for the child.

 

If I were you, I'd explain to him he is a totally selfish prick who doesn't even come close to deserving you or the baby, kick him out, and get a roommate if you need help with the bills and around the house.

Edited January 19, 2016 by MJJean

[Montsan]

Your story breaks my heart, Michart. You sound like a good person who is deserving of a decent man. From what I've read, I'm afraid this guy is beyond redemption. Split the bills? With your own spouse?! From the moment we married, there was no longer a his and hers. We combined our bank accounts into one. I don't pay anything. She doesn't pay anything. We pay for everything.

[basil67]

Michart, I am despairing for the future of you and your child if you stay with him. The relationship you have with him is not normal in any way, shape or form.

 

Given his current behaviour, I strongly suspect that if you ask him to care for this child while you need/want to go out, he will charge you for the time AND leave the baby in a dirty diaper. Do you think he'd pick up and comfort the baby if it cries?