CarrieT Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 This is so classic... I didn't have to read beyond the fact that you are 31 and were married at 23. Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in). Scientifically, the frontal lobes of your brain are not fully connected until your very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. You don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. In the 50s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed. It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s. I have great empathy for you. I went through it. A lot of us went through it. The best thing you can do is either accept that what you want does not jibe with the person you married and get a divorce. Or, you two can be frank about the fact that you are both changing into different people and see if you can find ways to keep the marriage intact. 2
ufo8mycat Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 And a year of vacation? I can't see how that's a "reasonable amount of time" to be away... Unless you become extremely wealthy and don't mind losing your jobs. Why can't you two take extended weekends away for some fun time now? Long weekends are awesome and rejuvenating. Because how immersed can you get in a long weekend? For many travel isn't about not being at home or rejuvenation. It is about moving out of your comfort zone, learning and exploring. In my experience, saving, leaving your job, renting out your flat (or just finding something when you get back) and travelling for a period is not unheard of. I wouldn't say common - but plenty of people do it.
VeveCakes Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 So your husband supported you through years of schooling so you could have your dream career, which you now took a leave from since you were wanting to travel and were too stressed, and he is the bad guy for spending some money on himself to better his career? I think what he did was smart. He now has a good job he loves, something to be envied. I get that you wanted to travel, but you also have to face reality. First of all, 31 is not old. 34 is not too old to travel or have kids. Stop freaking out like you are too late to the party to enjoy life. It almost seems as though this is a path to self sabotage of your marriage. You have your entire life to travel and experience things. I agree that counselling is needed here asap.
normal person Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Yes i do feel entitled to our 3 or 5 month of travel because he agreed to it and i planned it over a year and worked for it. He also gave me the impression that he was in on it too. He also had a break in that time anyway (of 3 months) and it was not disrupting him getting the job he wanted. He just decided to blow away all his savings on things to do with his career because..... well, after having to explain myself several times on here to most people on here, I am realising that he just didnt care that I needed to get away from life. Ok, it sounds like he deceived you, I'll give you that. Is he at fault? Yes. But when you marry someone you also have to accept the risk of your partner doing something like this, or not being as you expected. Especially if you marry young. Yes, things can happen outside of your control, but at the end of the day you chose to marry that person so you have to accept the bad with the good. In my mind, that really negates your "entitlement." You accepted the risk of this when you chose to marry the guy, now you have to deal with the circumstances of things not going exactly as planned. I can sympathize but only to a certain extent. You don't just "get" everything you want on a technicality. But it sounds like there's a much bigger issue. When you start saying things like "I'm entitled to travel and need to get away from my life," I start scratching my head. Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like even if you did take the trip, you'd be just as unhappy when it was all over. Most peoples' happiness isn't solely dependent on whether or not they get to travel. Traveling (especially for months at a time) is a total and complete luxury. It's in no way a necessity. People survive and live happy and productive lives without traveling. You have to accept that you might not get everything you want in life. You might feel "entitled" to it but you can't use the lack of it as a means to justify your unhappiness. If traveling is the only thing that can save you from misery then your problems are much worse than you realize. Your travels would be more escapism than anything else. If you need to escape life that badly, then doing it for 5 months is going to be a bandaid only for those 5 months. Then you're back to the real world, living in misery until you get to travel again. Traveling all the time is impractical and potentially irresponsible. You need to figure out a way to be happy without traveling. Another thing, he spent all his money on getting a new job. It's not like it was heroin. Him having a job he enjoys will benefit you both in the long run (him lying to you about is definitely cause for concern but that's a whole different issue). You seem stuck in a binary situation where only one of you can be happy. Again, do you have a plan for the very likely scenario in which you don't get to travel regularly? It sounds like you haven't hedged your bets at all, and that's what your husband's doing, albeit deceitfully. "He sacrificed my happiness for his." Maybe so, and you have grounds to be upset about it. But if you're not happy just simply being married to him without traveling then what's the point of being married? You can't be traveling all the time. You need to be happy the other 98% of the time when you aren't traveling. If I were you, I'd be asking why my husband didn't tell me he was spending all his money elsewhere and why he lied to me about it altogether. This is so, so, strange. You're not at fault for this or for marrying this person but you do have to accept the consequences of marriage. Similarly, I'd ask yourself why you can't be happy unless you travel. Please figure this all out before you decide to have kids. With this mindset it seems to me like you'd have them because you felt "entitled" to them, and the kids themselves wouldn't help you escape from whatever it is in your life you need to escape from. They would only bind you to it further. Don't have kids if you aren't happy. That is a horrible, horrible, thing to do them.
campfire Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Hi there, My advice going forward would be to listen less to his words and look more to his actions. Do not depend on him for any travel plans in the future, no matter how "let's go for it"! he seems. I would also advice you to consider travelling alone or with a friend. I don't live far from you (northern europe) and at 27 I quit my office job, broke up with my girlfriend and went to africa for 3 months, living with a family in the slums. I'm not suggesting you break up with him, but try to be open to do things on your own. A bad situation can only be changed by you at this point. Had it been me in your shoes at that time, I would probably have left for those 5 months with or without the spouse. (Which in practice I did, which led to our breakup. Now I'm happily married to someone else). Do things on your own and see how he responds (with actions). Going forward from that you will quickly figure out what to do with the marriage, whether travelling alone and still be married is an option or not etc. This mindset might also relieve you of some of the resentment that you currently have, because it moves responsibility and accountability from him to you. Don't forget to communicate to him though. Go solo, set some goals, make some plans, but be open and including. I am talking from past experience as well as failure. Lastly, do a bit of thinking in terms of what kind of travel you like. Some people go to a different country, but basically they stay at a 3 or 5 star hotel, socializing with other people from their own country/continent, going to "western" restaurants and pretty much live life the same way they did at home, just at warmer temperatures and for a high cost. Personally I'm using my 30's to save up for retirement (my income is not even close to that of a lawyer), so that I can do budget travelling for the rest of my life. Or choose work without thinking about money. When the airplane ticket can be ammortized over the span of many months (or even years) travelling can be quite affordable. By the way, travelling is getting from A to B. I encourage you to try live in a different country. Do volunteer work, contracting or just be a beach bum. That way you get to experience & adventure more, which is what I think you might be longing for. 1
Author ambreen84 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 This is so classic... I didn't have to read beyond the fact that you are 31 and were married at 23. Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in). Scientifically, the frontal lobes of your brain are not fully connected until your very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. You don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. In the 50s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed. It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s. I have great empathy for you. I went through it. A lot of us went through it. The best thing you can do is either accept that what you want does not jibe with the person you married and get a divorce. Or, you two can be frank about the fact that you are both changing into different people and see if you can find ways to keep the marriage intact. Hi there, thank you for this information and advice. I actually think you may have it spot on. I have always loved my marriage and loved my husband. I think may be what I and he are going through is transitions in who we are... what you've written is interesting and i will give it more thought.
Author ambreen84 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Hi there, My advice going forward would be to listen less to his words and look more to his actions. Do not depend on him for any travel plans in the future, no matter how "let's go for it"! he seems. I would also advice you to consider travelling alone or with a friend. I don't live far from you (northern europe) and at 27 I quit my office job, broke up with my girlfriend and went to africa for 3 months, living with a family in the slums. I'm not suggesting you break up with him, but try to be open to do things on your own. A bad situation can only be changed by you at this point. Had it been me in your shoes at that time, I would probably have left for those 5 months with or without the spouse. (Which in practice I did, which led to our breakup. Now I'm happily married to someone else). Do things on your own and see how he responds (with actions). Going forward from that you will quickly figure out what to do with the marriage, whether travelling alone and still be married is an option or not etc. This mindset might also relieve you of some of the resentment that you currently have, because it moves responsibility and accountability from him to you. Don't forget to communicate to him though. Go solo, set some goals, make some plans, but be open and including. I am talking from past experience as well as failure. Lastly, do a bit of thinking in terms of what kind of travel you like. Some people go to a different country, but basically they stay at a 3 or 5 star hotel, socializing with other people from their own country/continent, going to "western" restaurants and pretty much live life the same way they did at home, just at warmer temperatures and for a high cost. Personally I'm using my 30's to save up for retirement (my income is not even close to that of a lawyer), so that I can do budget travelling for the rest of my life. Or choose work without thinking about money. When the airplane ticket can be ammortized over the span of many months (or even years) travelling can be quite affordable. By the way, travelling is getting from A to B. I encourage you to try live in a different country. Do volunteer work, contracting or just be a beach bum. That way you get to experience & adventure more, which is what I think you might be longing for. Hi there yes, this is the first post i feel has encapsulated how i am feeling and why i really just want some time out to travel. initially, i was so excited and looking forward to doing this WITH my husband. i still want to go away with him and experience that time with him. i want him to be part of it. but you're right, i think i'm going to have to do it on my own now, i think that whatever his excuses, they boil down to the fact that he does not want to go and do this... i am slowly getting used to that idea. he and i have always done evrything together. we have been best friends (i know its a cliche) for many years, this travel need has just made me feel we are distant. i think youre right in that the 30s and so on should concentrate on retirement etc. that's why i want to do this soon, to travel, before all the other things in life come my way e.g. kids, mortgage, pensions etc.
Author ambreen84 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Maybe I misread the post but I don't think she was ever under the impression that her husband shared this goal. She said herself that she expects her husband to make her happy. And she specifically said that she is jealous that other people she knows go on more vacation than her. Wow, I honestly didn't realize there were places where flights are that cheap. I can't get a bus ride to the next city over for $60 anymore, let alone a flight for under $200. But there is a lot more to a vacation than just the flight. 5 months off work doesn't stop your expenses at home. You still have to pay your rent and your car payments. Sometimes you can't even stop gym memberships and cell phone plans and cable bills. You still have to pay your insurance and probably a number of other things I haven't thought of. Then you have your expenses at the place. hi there please dont twist my words. i am not 'she'. you can still address me, the original poster. and yes, i'm not sure where you live, but there are lots of ways to travel cheaply and well. you should have a look at people's travel adventures and blogs about their travels and how they go about doing this. there are thousands of examples out there. the world is not just where you live. and the expenses you have may not be the expenses everyone has.
loveflower Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) I spent around $2000 for about 10 days all inclusive to travel to UK, France and Italy from Canada 10 years ago, so I don't think it's really that expensive. I used hostels. It generally cost less than $20 per night. nowadays, people can also use airbnb budget accommodation. last year I used that to travel to eastern Canada for a week mixed with camping. Couchsurfing is free...but I don't dare to try though. All Alone. so I think you are too spoiled if you think you can't travel alone. I have a hard time believing your story. people generally have a few weeks annual vacation, you guys can just rent a car and travel Europe for dirt cheap... Edited January 19, 2016 by loveflower
oregon0011 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 You seem rather spoiled op. Your husband put you through college. Now you don't like law, lol. I would never marry a college student. That was already very supportive of him. So you expect him to take 5 months off work and travel with you? How Much money was spent on your education , that now you don't have much use for? If I were him I would be really upset. He would have money if he didn't put you through 7 years of school. And now you aren't even thankful, but you resent him for having a good career?
PinkInTheLimo Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Hi there yes, this is the first post i feel has encapsulated how i am feeling and why i really just want some time out to travel. initially, i was so excited and looking forward to doing this WITH my husband. i still want to go away with him and experience that time with him. i want him to be part of it. but you're right, i think i'm going to have to do it on my own now, i think that whatever his excuses, they boil down to the fact that he does not want to go and do this... i am slowly getting used to that idea. he and i have always done evrything together. we have been best friends (i know its a cliche) for many years, this travel need has just made me feel we are distant. i think youre right in that the 30s and so on should concentrate on retirement etc. that's why i want to do this soon, to travel, before all the other things in life come my way e.g. kids, mortgage, pensions etc. I understand that you want to share this experience with him. If I would be in a couple I also would not want to travel on my own. He deceived you, that's not OK. Especially since you took a rather radical decision concerning your career. Take a good look at yourself and at your husband, without any taboos. Has he deceived you before? Has he told you he would do things and then not done them before? Like Carrie says, you married very young and it could be that you are evolving in different directions. So you need to take a long hard look at your marriage and talk to you husband to see if you still want the same things. If you come to the conclusion that the marriage does not work anymore, it is not a catastrophy. You are only 31 with many years in front of you to do everything you want. I would in any case try to settle your job situation so that you have your income in case this would lead to a divorce.
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