Author lostone085 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 How did you find out that your husband was cheating on you? How did you feel? My H has cheated on me. I normally say, "Knowing how much it hurts I would have to HATE someone to do it to them" but I'm starting to be more understanding of 'revenge affairs'. Are you sure that's not what's going on? Your post and Buckeyes gave me a lot to think about. I found out my husband was having an EA the first time through an email account he left on. The next time it was a username linked to his personal email, and the last it was text messages that he did not delete. Each time we talked about it, but it was the same thing "I'm sorry, I don't know why, I don't want to lose you, we can work on this, I'll stop" maybe this is all revenge and I'm not over what he did. Up until coming on this site, I thought I was. Now I think of how every few months I check our computers Internet history, or ask who he is texting. Until now I done think I even realized I was doing it. It just seems like an easy answer. Revenge
aliveagain Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 The only thing this gives me that my marriage doesn't is a secret. Secrets kill marriages. Having a boyfriend kills marriages because once you cross that line you can't go back and undo it, you can't unfu*k yourself. We always find out and no matter when it is that we find out the pain will always be the same. Every person(betrayed spouse) replying on this post found out, some years after the fact. Your husband may already suspect you and is in sleuth mode even as we write you. Is it really worth it to you because your life has already taken a life altering detour, you just haven't had the consequence to your actions yet. Every time you meet your boyfriend it will become harder to explain to your husband and children, your family and your group of friends. Your really doing a number on yourself.
Buckeye2 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I found out my husband was having an EA the first time through an email account he left on. The next time it was a username linked to his personal email, and the last it was text messages that he did not delete. Each time we talked about it, but it was the same thing "I'm sorry, I don't know why, I don't want to lose you, we can work on this, I'll stop" This is generally true. Women typically are more bothered by their husband having an emotional affair (EA) while husbands are more bothered by their wife having a physical affair (PA). I think that you and your husband are following this pattern. He doesn't think that an EA is a big deal (he never touched her) and you don't think that a PA is a big deal (you're not going anywhere). That's why neither of you take your actions seriously or end them.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I am a FWW... Let me ask you this question....if your boyfriend were to tell you he is done with you.....how would you feel? Would you panic? Would you ask yourself what the hell have i done? Would you tell your husband or keep it a secret the rest of your life? You don't feel guilt right now....because you are not afraid of losing anything....you are enjoying the feelings and excitement of the moment....the flattery that someone wants you.... But...eventually....this will all come crashing down on you....and the reality of what you have done will set in. Do you remember how you felt when you found out your husband was cheating? Do you remember the panic? The helplessness? The fear that your world as you knew it was crashing in around you...and you could do nothing to stop it? Your world is spinning out of control...and right now that feeling in the pit of your stomach feels fun...like riding on a roller coaster....but soon that same feeling will turn into panic...because you are no longer in control. You are risking everything...your husband...your children...your home......for a few stolen moments of sexual excitement. This is reality......when your husband finds out what you have done....you may lose EVERYTHING...including your boyfriend...because i promise you...he doesn't want you...he wants your sex. If you think he will leave his wife for you...i promise....he wont. So not only are you responsible for destroying your life....you are also contributing to destroying another woman's life. is sex worth that? 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 That has been my thought exactly, and I stop contacting other guy for days/weeks then I end up contacting or he contacts me. The fist time it happened, I said only once, then it was, just one more time. I am afraid I won't say no the next time either. There are cheaters who want to get caught, whether they realize it or not. They just keep making poorer and poorer choices until something forces their hand. Usually a D-Day. Listen, if more people could just walk away when they knew they should, this website wouldn't be here.
GltStrkn Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) I would I have agree with everyone here especially BryanP. You need to read those statements and really grasp what he's trying to convey to you. During the affair, I thought I had everything under control and that I had the upper hand. I realized now I was just played and feel horrible! I wish I had come on this site before my world came crashing down and the guilt, shame and pain settled in... Before I let it get too far and did something I truly regret. I was in the same situation as you as far as getting swept up in it all, with my head in the clouds and not worried or even thinking much about the consequences. I married and had children young as well. I also felt the same about my husband (that he was great, attractive and that we belonged together). I did not know why I was risking it all when I had it good. What I realized, after the fact, was that I was not in a good place. The affair was about me and my insecurities not about the other man or the relationship I have with my husband. My advice to you is to stop it now and tell you husband. It will be crazy! Your husband will go through a whirlwind of emotions as will you. It will be more than you both can bear. I didn't even realize how devastating it would be. The guilt will settle in and you'll realize what you've done but then you'll both be able to heal. I'm still trying to get over the guilt and shame now. I didn't know how badly I would feel or even how much it would affect my husband until dday and beyond. We're still trying to recover. Edited January 19, 2016 by GltStrkn 3
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 The only thing this gives me that my marriage doesn't is a secret. I don't that's an honest - or complete - answer. As others have pointed out, there's aspects of revenge, resentment, hostility and self-destruction in what you're doing. Would be beneficial to understand why... Mr. Lucky
Author lostone085 Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 I am a FWW... Let me ask you this question....if your boyfriend were to tell you he is done with you.....how would you feel? Would you panic? Would you ask yourself what the hell have i done? Would you tell your husband or keep it a secret the rest of your life? You don't feel guilt right now....because you are not afraid of losing anything....you are enjoying the feelings and excitement of the moment....the flattery that someone wants you.... But...eventually....this will all come crashing down on you....and the reality of what you have done will set in. Do you remember how you felt when you found out your husband was cheating? Do you remember the panic? The helplessness? The fear that your world as you knew it was crashing in around you...and you could do nothing to stop it? Your world is spinning out of control...and right now that feeling in the pit of your stomach feels fun...like riding on a roller coaster....but soon that same feeling will turn into panic...because you are no longer in control. You are risking everything...your husband...your children...your home......for a few stolen moments of sexual excitement. This is reality......when your husband finds out what you have done....you may lose EVERYTHING...including your boyfriend...because i promise you...he doesn't want you...he wants your sex. If you think he will leave his wife for you...i promise....he wont. So not only are you responsible for destroying your life....you are also contributing to destroying another woman's life. is sex worth that? If other guy said he was done, then it would be done. I don't know how I would feel because I've never been in this situation before. Right now, in this moment, I would not tell my husband. I will agree that I am probably not feeling the guilt now, because of the excitement of something new. I do not look for, or expect, or want other guy to leave his wife. I have no intention of leaving my husband for him. There is no relationship between us, besides sex. I use him as much as he uses me. Is just sex worth losing everything?? No I can honestly say it is not. It is not worth ruining two families, multiple friendships, etc. As I am writing this I get all of that, I get the consquences.l, yet I can not bring myself to call or message other guy and tell him we have to stop.
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 then it IS worth the risk to you.... Do you see that? The high you are getting from cheating IS worth the risk. An addict knows the risk of shooting up heroin...but he takes the chances every time he shoots up. The difference in an addict and a cheater? An addict risks his own life.....you are about to destroy MANY...including those you love. Would you be willing to play Russian roulette with your children? Would you be willing to hold a gun to their heads and pull the trigger? If you continue in this relationship....you empty another chamber.....eventually the bullet will go off..... Please...be honest with yourself.... if you don't love your husband...then walk away...but don't continue to cheat.... You are making decisions for him....and it is not fair. You are calling the shots...behind his back.....you re making decisions that can NEVER be undone. Get help....speak to someone you trust.... 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 There is no relationship between us, besides sex. I use him as much as he uses me. Is just sex worth losing everything?? No I can honestly say it is not. It is not worth ruining two families, multiple friendships, etc. As I am writing this I get all of that, I get the consquences.l, yet I can not bring myself to call or message other guy and tell him we have to stop. At some point, you're going to have to honestly address the facts of these two contradictory positions. They can't both be true ... Mr. Lucky
Chi townD Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Issue: I cheated on him, he doesn’t know. I don’t really feel guilty and I am not sure why. I read an article one time. I read that a lot of women don't feel the guilt until after they're caught. Then, when they see the pain and hurt in their significant others eyes and the damage it's caused, THAT'S when the guilt comes flooding in. Plus, I have a feeling you don't really love your husband. You married early and started a family. I think you may regret doing that and that you've been missing out. Now, your husband hasn't been a prince with his pass online flirting. But, if you try comparing what you've done to what he's done, it's like comparing apples to oranges. I have a feeling that you WANT to be caught. You're not deleting your text conversations and you're not protecting your phone. So, why don't you tell your husband that you're sleeping with someone else and get a divorce?
Lois_Griffin Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 You should now let your husband go get some on the side. It's only fair. It's a pretty sure thing that he's already DONE that with his friend's wife. He just lied to the OP and claimed there was 'no sex/' The likelihood of that actually being TRUE is pretty low. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 I feel I do still love my husband and am still in love with him. My heart still skips when I see him, I still love talking to him, date nights, we have a good sex life. It does bother me thinking of him with someone else, I just think I would be more understanding of the situation. After reading my post again and others, I think I am going to have to have will power to back away from the situation and stop seeing other guy You've caught the guy cheating 3 times. And those are the times you KNOW about. Do you honestly think you caught him the Only 3 times he ever tried it? Very doubtful. I think maybe the fact that he's continually cheated has made you lose respect for him. I know I wouldn't respect him at this point. 2
bigman1 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 You are not going to stop. You like the sex. You like the attention. You like the thrill. Your life and family as you know it are in all likelihood doomed. Since it is fine with you, it is fine with me. Your husband will find out sooner because you will get sloppy, the other guy will, or someone will catch you. Alternatively, you get pregnant and he realizes the kid is not his or, after the passage of time, it comes out because secrets like that are hard to keep buried forever. Bottom line is this, you now have to spend a lifetime hoping that this is not discovered and that is a very long time. Trust and believe, it will be work. Forget using the consequences as motivation to stop because they have not worked so far, thus they will never work. You need to prepare for the inevitable. Who gets the kids, if you have any? Who gets the house? Like I ask my clients that have pending arrest warrants, "do you have bail money saved up and a plan on what to do with your kids when you get arrested"? Maybe it won't happen, but in all probability, it will happen when you least expect it.
Buckeye2 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 It's like being a smoker. You know that you might get lung cancer someday but smoking is enjoyable now.
Whoknew30 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I myself was married young & am also a ExWW. My reasons for A were different but I do somewhat understandable where you're coming from (doesn't make it right) it's nice for someone to want you for...you. No bills, kids, responsibility, arguments...it feels like an escape. Though, at some point it turns from escape into trapped very quickly. You have chose to have an A with in your circle, after you realize the true consequences of what would happen if it came out, you'll be alone. All the women will turn on you bc the number rule (even in cheating) you never crap where you eat. It's one thing to lose your spouse's trust (bc even if wrong most still have a support system) but your friend's too, that's a loneliness I'd never want to experience. Most people aren't mentally prepared to handle & "normal" A fallout let alone adding your circle of friends to it. I hope you can get some IC & get out of this but no matter what, this isn't going to just go away. After 7 years my ExAP has come out of the woodwork to bother me & my H knows...I can't imagine living with this over my head with people I've vacationed with. Good luck bc you're going to need it, even if you stop now...this decision will never go away. The emotions might but it's like a non active volcano that can erupt even once you've mentally have moved on.
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