No Guilt?

[lostone085]

I am new to this, and will try to get to the point, so I am sorry if this is long.

Background: Married 12 years, 2 kids, some cheating issues in the past (husband)

Cheating: H had emotional affair several times over the years through email/chat rooms. Had I am not sure what to call is emotional or physical affair with a friends wife. Says no actual sex (oral or intercourse) I have believed him. I have never strayed. I flirt/tease but nothing further.

Relationship: Ups and Downs with any marriage, still in love, not together just because of kids. Find time to do things together, still attracted to each other, even though we have both put weight on over the years.

Issue: I cheated on him, he doesn’t know. I don’t really feel guilty and I am not sure why.

Story of how it happened: Afternoon tubing trip over the summer with friends and family. Husband didn’t want to go, so I rode with my sister and her husband. I knew everyone that was going to be there, so no big deal. Husband and I do things separately all the time, so no reason for him not to trust me or me him. Trip was underway, all adults had been drinking, talking, joking, having a good time. There were mostly couples, but some single people as well, probably about 10 of us total. A couple that we are friends with was there, and the husband is always someone I have teased/flirted with. We joke around mostly about beating each other at games etc when we are together. Nothing sexual has ever come up in our flirting/joking. So, we are tubing and he ends up next to me in a tube, I don’t think anything of it as we are all having a good time together, passing drinks around etc. We are not drunk, but buzzed pretty good. Anyways, I feel something on my leg and jump a little wondering if it was a fish or something. It goes away, I feel it again… so I am not going to go into all the details but when I realized it was him, I turned and looked at him. He just said “Yes??” and I shook my head yes. That is how this all started. We spent the rest of the afternoon basically acting like high school kids hiding under a blanket, but with the water as our cover. Friends, family, his wife all around us. We didn’t talk much and I think it was because we were both afraid what would come out.

So a week or so later, we have messaged back and forth a few times but just teasing/flirting. Nothing is said of that afternoon. I am not deleting the messages, not really hiding them, but no sharing them with my husband either. Then one day as I am teasing the other guy, he asks if I am deleting the messages. I said I could start. That is when things went to talking about meeting and finishing what we had started. We are both busy with work and family and would text every few days but it was not an all-consuming thing. We would see each other now and again on weekends with family/friends around and only have a few seconds/minutes alone so nothing more happened for a few months. Then our schedules finally worked out and we had a very short time together alone. Then we met again a few weeks later.

We don’t have real deep conversations it is mostly down to when and where. We meet, have sex, go on our way and sometimes don’t talk/text for a week or more after. I don’t have a sense of heavy guilt afterwards, and it hasn’t changed my sex life with my husband any. I guess the hard thing for me is I am not sure I know why I am doing this. I have a feeling it is the excitement, the sneaking around, having a secret, but I don’t know. I sit here asking myself why am I really risking everything for nothing? Is that the guilt? But then thoughts of the other guy come in my head and I have to text or call him and tell him how much I want him. So I am confused. I have never had feelings of wanting sex with someone else but my husband. Now I have found men attractive, but nothing like with this other guy. For some reason he is just sexy to me. I want to say I can stop, but then the thoughts of being with him come back. I am really confused.

[Bryanp]

1. You need to get tested for STD's.

2. Imagine yourself divorced and single because this is where you are heading.

[lostone085]

1. I have been tested for STD's. In the past when issues with my husband arose, and also a few weeks ago after I cheated

2. I know that ending up divorced and single is a possibility if/when husband or other guys wife finds out. That is why I can't figure out why I am risking everything.

I have always been the one preaching about cheaters and how wrong it is. If you feel like cheating leave, I just am not taking my own advice. I am 100% a hypocrite. I can admit that, but still I don't stop

[kgcolonel]

Game Plan when your husband finds out? There was another thread where the wife had to explain to her kids what she had done.....

 

I have been married to my wife for 32 years....I truly get the need / desire for excitement however what you are doing is risking not only your marriage but your family, friends, his family and finally your integrity of who you were before you betrayed your husband.

 

In light of the fact that you say you feel no guilt, can you visualize the conversation with both your family and his of why you entered into this activity? That may help you to see the damage that is at your doorstep.

[kgcolonel]

Can I ask about what stage of life you're in.....I know that when my wife entered the "hot flash" stage.....really odd behaviors began....it was hormonal. I am not excusing or anything the like however I know she never acted out like she did once that process began....

[Marc878]

If it blows up it won't just be your family but his as well

[TX-SC]

You should now let your husband go get some on the side. It's only fair.

[lostone085]

Can I ask about what stage of life you're in.....I know that when my wife entered the "hot flash" stage.....really odd behaviors began....it was hormonal. I am not excusing or anything the like however I know she never acted out like she did once that process began....

 

I am 30 years old. Married and started a family young.

[lostone085]

Game Plan when your husband finds out? There was another thread where the wife had to explain to her kids what she had done.....

 

I have been married to my wife for 32 years....I truly get the need / desire for excitement however what you are doing is risking not only your marriage but your family, friends, his family and finally your integrity of who you were before you betrayed your husband.

In light of the fact that you say you feel no guilt, can you visualize the conversation with both your family and his of why you entered into this activity? That may help you to see the damage that is at your doorstep.

 

I don't have a gameplan. I know "I'm sorry, it just happened" is not an explaination. I understand the families and friends that will be affected and I could not imagine explaining this to any of them.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You don't feel guilt because you haven't been caught, and haven't really seen how hurt your husband will be. The pain is all conceptual at this point.

 

I'd stop, and take it to your grave. that is not a popular opinion around here, but it's what I'd do.

[lostone085]

You should now let your husband go get some on the side. It's only fair.

 

Is it bad that I am looking at this as, if my husband has or did cheat, I would be more understanding of it? Yet I truly know that it is wrong and the risks are to high. From disease to losing the trust and love of family and friends.

[lostone085]

You don't feel guilt because you haven't been caught, and haven't really seen how hurt your husband will be. The pain is all conceptual at this point.

 

I'd stop, and take it to your grave. that is not a popular opinion around here, but it's what I'd do.

 

That has been my thought exactly, and I stop contacting other guy for days/weeks then I end up contacting or he contacts me. The fist time it happened, I said only once, then it was, just one more time. I am afraid I won't say no the next time either.

[TX-SC]

Is it bad that I am looking at this as, if my husband has or did cheat, I would be more understanding of it? Yet I truly know that it is wrong and the risks are to high. From disease to losing the trust and love of family and friends.

 

It's not bad I guess, but it does give some insight into your way of thinking. I'm wondering if maybe you don't truly love your husband and you are only together out of the desire to keep the family together and not hurt your kids? I think that if you truly loved him, it would upset you to think of him with anyone else. Since it doesn't bother you, I think that says a lot about where your heart is right now. Have you considered divorcing and having an amicable relationship as friends and parents? It would be better than getting caught and going through an angry divorce, leaving you both as enemies. That would hurt your kids.

[lostone085]

It's not bad I guess, but it does give some insight into your way of thinking. I'm wondering if maybe you don't truly love your husband and you are only together out of the desire to keep the family together and not hurt your kids? I think that if you truly loved him, it would upset you to think of him with anyone else. Since it doesn't bother you, I think that says a lot about where your heart is right now. Have you considered divorcing and having an amicable relationship as friends and parents? It would be better than getting caught and going through an angry divorce, leaving you both as enemies. That would hurt your kids.

 

I feel I do still love my husband and am still in love with him. My heart still skips when I see him, I still love talking to him, date nights, we have a good sex life. It does bother me thinking of him with someone else, I just think I would be more understanding of the situation.

 

After reading my post again and others, I think I am going to have to have will power to back away from the situation and stop seeing other guy

[kgcolonel]

I feel I do still love my husband and am still in love with him. My heart still skips when I see him, I still love talking to him, date nights, we have a good sex life. It does bother me thinking of him with someone else, I just think I would be more understanding of the situation.

 

After reading my post again and others, I think I am going to have to have will power to back away from the situation and stop seeing other guy

 

This is good.....I would suggest staying on this thread for a while giving you a source of support and.....some accountability that won't destroy your family. Just a suggestion! This group can be very helpful to those who are willing to use us for that support and can stomach the hard questions and reminders that will help a WS from repeating disastrous mistakes.

[road]

You need to go NC with the OM, block his number, change yours, and to tell your BH.

 

 

Out drinking without your spouse. There have been recent posts here were wives should have GNO and go on GNO trips to Vegas.

 

 

Sadly, thank you for proving those people that support GNO's are wrong.

[Bryanp]

Keep this in mind when you start to think about the OM:

 

1. He has no problem sleeping with a married woman.

2. He has no problem screwing around with a married woman

when his own wife is just yards away. What does this tell you:

a. He has absolutely no respect for his wife or family or you and your family.

b. He is also so blatant that it surely indicates that this is not his first rodeo.

When this ends he will move on to another married woman and you will be another notch on his belt. This also means you need to keep getting tested for at least 6 more months.

3. You better think about what you plan to say to your husband when all of this eventually comes out because it will.

4. You are on a high now but when the destruction comes you will realize that you were played and you self-destructed your marriage and your own self-respect and self-worth.

 

This is like watching a slow train wreck about to happen. I hope that after all of this that you will still feel that it was really worth it.

[aliveagain]

You need to get yourself into independent counselling, find out why you want to throw your marriage away. Find out why your sexually drawn to a player who is willing to cheat on his wife while she is present and only feet away. My bet is this is not his first rodeo. STD's can take up to 6 months from the last encounter before signs of having them even show up, your playing with a loaded gun. Maybe you should offer your husband an open lifestyle. I do not have a good feeling of where things are going to end for you. Pick the marriage or get out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel I do still love my husband and am still in love with him. My heart still skips when I see him, I still love talking to him, date nights, we have a good sex life. It does bother me thinking of him with someone else, I just think I would be more understanding of the situation.

 

Have you thought about what this relationship gives you that your marriage doesn't ??? You're risking an awful lot, must be a pretty compelling reason there somewhere...

 

Mr. Lucky

[badkarma2013]

1. I have been tested for STD's. In the past when issues with my husband arose, and also a few weeks ago after I cheated

2. I know that ending up divorced and single is a possibility if/when husband or other guys wife finds out. That is why I can't figure out why I am risking everything.

I have always been the one preaching about cheaters and how wrong it is. If you feel like cheating leave, I just am not taking my own advice. I am 100% a hypocrite. I can admit that, but still I don't stop

*******************************************************************

 

You want to get into reality...you want to see if you can stop...TELL YOUR HUSBAND...tell and then see how much you like it then...tell us how exciting

you A is when hes throwing your S@#T out in the yard...you have no respect for your BH now...why stay...your have betrayed,lied and deceived him...what more do you want to do to him....Tell him now and when the light of day shines upon you and your actions tell us all then how great it is....

[Silveron]

Next time you are flirting with this guy, think of when you will have to tell your children that they can no longer live at their house full-time and they will only see you half the time and their dad half the time.

 

 

They are the victims in this. You need to see IC, because it's apparent you are not over what your husband has done in the past.

 

 

Put yourself in your children's shoes. Imagine your parents doing this, imagine you losing your home as a child because of what one of your parents have done.

[Buckeye2]

It does bother methinking of him with someone else, I just think I would be more understanding of the situation.

 

This is generally true. Women typically are more bothered by their husband having an emotional affair (EA) while husbands are more bothered by their wife having a physical affair (PA).

 

It’s very primitive. Women wanted to keep their man around for security (i.e. food and resources for their kids survival). If he ran off with another woman his food would go with him. Women know that their kids are theirs. Before DNA husbands didn’t know. A faithful wife was their only assurance. That’s why PAs bother them more.

 

We don’t have real deep conversations it is mostly down to when and where. We meet, have sex, go on our way and sometimes don’t talk/text for a week or more after. I don’t have a sense of heavy guilt afterwards, and it hasn’t changed my sex life with my husband any.

 

Related to the above: It’s only sex. I have no intention of leaving my husband so our relations will not change. In regard to what matters to me most I’m faithful to my husband so I’m not guilty. What he doesn’t know will not hurt him.

 

I guess the hard thing for me is I am not sure I know why I am doing this. I have a feeling it is the excitement, the sneaking around, having a secret, but I don’t know.

 

 

Bingo. Having a secret double life is exciting. It’s even exciting to be around the other man out in the open at family functions. Only the two of you know your dirty little secret. It's just like when you were tubing except now you don't need the water. Your secret life is the water.

 

 

Your relationship with your husband hasn’t changed (what's important to you). It’s free fun so why not.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Buckeye2

[ShatteredLady]

How did you find out that your husband was cheating on you? How did you feel? My H has cheated on me. I normally say, "Knowing how much it hurts I would have to HATE someone to do it to them" but I'm starting to be more understanding of 'revenge affairs'.

 

Are you sure that's not what's going on?

[lostone085]

Keep this in mind when you start to think about the OM:

 

1. He has no problem sleeping with a married woman.

2. He has no problem screwing around with a married woman

when his own wife is just yards away. What does this tell you:

a. He has absolutely no respect for his wife or family or you and your family.

b. He is also so blatant that it surely indicates that this is not his first rodeo.

When this ends he will move on to another married woman and you will be another notch on his belt. This also means you need to keep getting tested for at least 6 more months.

3. You better think about what you plan to say to your husband when all of this eventually comes out because it will.

4. You are on a high now but when the destruction comes you will realize that you were played and you self-destructed your marriage and your own self-respect and self-worth.

 

This is like watching a slow train wreck about to happen. I hope that after all of this that you will still feel that it was really worth it.

 

Until I read this some of those thoughts never crossed my mind. Where I do not want to defend the actions, some things will go unanswered. For example, I told him I have never done anything like this before, and he has a choice to believe me or not. Same with me believing him or not. Yes after reading this everything points to the fact that he has cheated on his wife before.

[lostone085]

Have you thought about what this relationship gives you that your marriage doesn't ??? You're risking an awful lot, must be a pretty compelling reason there somewhere...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The only thing this gives me that my marriage doesn't is a secret.