Can't seem to stop thinking about this person

[soph-walker]

I have different opinions: a)It's possible to develop deeper connection in just 2 dates. It all depends on how deep you connected, how much interaction went on outside the meeting, etc. b)I don't think he is a bad guy. A bad one would have sensed your enthusiasm and stayed to take advantage of that. By telling you straight, he's being responsible. c)why he quit is a separate issue from why you can't quit. I don't think you can ever know for sure why he stop going forward. There are too many possibilities. But your feeling, after he declines, is the one you can sort out. Based on how you describe yourself, I am going to guess it's chemistry and hormone related. You'll just have to find another man similar bio and wait for your monthly hormone cycle to calm down. :-) Get yourself busy will do it.

 

Thanks for everyone's replies, it's definitely all helping me to get the perspective I need.

 

Sweet honeydew, what you said was spot on for me, I don't think for one second at all he is a bad guy.

He told me to my face that he didn't want to string me along. I feel like despite all of this, I want to tell him how much unlike myself I was when we met as I was so nervous because I liked him. I could kick myself because if I'd have been my usual forward self, it may have got me a little further.

 

I guess it's all speculatory. I still would like to get in touch with him briefly in a few weeks, I don't see the harm myself. Maybe I have masochistic tendencies I never knew about :-/

[soph-walker]

Sexual attraction is very important to a long term relationship, he is saying nicely that there wasn't any there. It's nothing you can do or change.

 

Sorry, I hadn't seen this before I replied.

 

He was leaning into me on the first date and gazing into my eyes and made a few flirty comments, none of which I reciprocated.

He sent me a flirty message before the second date which I didn't even reciprocate on. What was I thinking, I fancied him and should have responded normally, what a plonker!

 

If I'd have been shot down after trying to initiate, a spark in me would fizzle out.

 

On the second date, I was really quiet and he commented on this too, again, I felt so intimidated by the situation.

As well, the restaurant we were meant to go to, he said his brother in law was actually in the restaraunt (I got there late and he had already seen he was sat with friends in there), this freaked me out a little because I thought he'd told him to be there. He told me it was pure coincidence, I did believe this though.

Edited January 19, 2016 by soph-walker

[Amelie1980]

Sexual attraction is very important to a long term relationship, he is saying nicely that there wasn't any there. It's nothing you can do or change.

 

I had sexual attraction with one guy and it was intense and then he said he didnt feel the rest. If it is so important........

[Leigh 87]

Ive also noticed that the heady intense chemistry doesn't come from a healthy place. Chemistry doesn't mean you're compatible and once it wears off you realize you arent right.

 

I wish guys would pay more attention to realistic basis' for compatibility.

 

Plenty of couples had the intense chemistry and compatability.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the spark. Men can't fall head over heels or be enamoured or madly in love with a woman if he DOESN'T fall heard very early on.

 

Men fall in love differently to women. Men eifher fall hard snd fast or they never get to that level of intense emotions. ..

If a man isn't smitten at the start, he rarely falls really hard later down the track.

 

Where as women can date men that we don't have a crush on and are not giddy about. .. snd end up falling hard.

 

He wants the whole package : intense chemistry and reasonable compatibility. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Especially since there are threads every week about men that aren't that attracted to their girlfriends after two years because the sexual chemistry was never high to begin with.

[VeveCakes]

I had sexual attraction with one guy and it was intense and then he said he didnt feel the rest. If it is so important........

 

I never said it was everything!

[soph-walker]

Plenty of couples had the intense chemistry and compatability.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the spark. Men can't fall head over heels or be enamoured or madly in love with a woman if he DOESN'T fall heard very early on.

 

Men fall in love differently to women. Men eifher fall hard snd fast or they never get to that level of intense emotions. ..

If a man isn't smitten at the start, he rarely falls really hard later down the track.

 

Where as women can date men that we don't have a crush on and are not giddy about. .. snd end up falling hard.

 

He wants the whole package : intense chemistry and reasonable compatibility. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Especially since there are threads every week about men that aren't that attracted to their girlfriends after two years because the sexual chemistry was never high to begin with.

 

I think you may be overlooking what I've said, I've speculated as to whether or not he didn't feel a spark because I didn't reciprocate.

I felt a definite spark from him for sure on the first date, the second date was less so, I was quieter and there was zero flirtation from me.

 

He's got every right to look for the complete package, that's not what I'm debating entirely..although I think the idea of a complete package is as rare as hens teeth and lead you to overlook many people before you give things a chance.

 

I miss the olden days of dating someone and getting to know them instead of spending a measly length of time before jettisoning them for the next one.

That was my experience of dating anyway...was before OLD.

[Gaeta]

. I wish I could be as classy as you, Gaeta!

 

Thank you for the lovely compliment. I think classy kept me single for a long time though lol

 

I just want to see him again and spend a bit of time getting to know him, why the heck can't I move on!

 

How long ago did you meet him? Sorry if you said it already and I missed it.

 

Some people are open to give 2-3 dates to someone they didn't feel super attracted to at first. I know for me it has lead to relationships as I often need a couple of dates to build interest in a man. Men aren't like that so much. It's usually a go or a no-go no matter how sexy beautiful smart you can be.

[loveflower]

Sorry, I hadn't seen this before I replied.

 

He was leaning into me on the first date and gazing into my eyes and made a few flirty comments, none of which I reciprocated.

He sent me a flirty message before the second date which I didn't even reciprocate on. What was I thinking, I fancied him and should have responded normally, what a plonker!

 

If I'd have been shot down after trying to initiate, a spark in me would fizzle out.

 

On the second date, I was really quiet and he commented on this too, again, I felt so intimidated by the situation.

As well, the restaurant we were meant to go to, he said his brother in law was actually in the restaraunt (I got there late and he had already seen he was sat with friends in there), this freaked me out a little because I thought he'd told him to be there. He told me it was pure coincidence, I did believe this though.

 

yes, that's confusing.

 

if he really had no spark with you then definitely move on...in the case, you think there was a spark, but then he told you no spark....and he said couldn't be forced...

 

um...spark or no spark...that's the question...when in doubt, just believe him? I know it's very hard when you are really into someone.

[loveflower]

Maybe he tried to like you and he was just being playful and flirtatious on the first day? and discovered there is no spark after all later on?

 

or you think there was spark but you didn't reciprocate and that extinguish the spark?

 

so the question is: can non-flirtatious extinguish a spark? I doubt, but idk.

[soph-walker]

Thank you for the lovely compliment. I think classy kept me single for a long time though lol

 

 

 

How long ago did you meet him? Sorry if you said it already and I missed it.

 

Some people are open to give 2-3 dates to someone they didn't feel super attracted to at first. I know for me it has lead to relationships as I often need a couple of dates to build interest in a man. Men aren't like that so much. It's usually a go or a no-go no matter how sexy beautiful smart you can be.

 

The advice you give/your perspective is always dignified, wise and ladylike, truly!

 

I don't think I mentioned this, we started chatting online last March and I debated whether or not to meet up with him..

He owns a mixed farm and his profile states how important it is that a woman be understanding this is his livelihood and priority. I was unable to drive and on crutches with a leg injury for a good 4 months during this.

 

He then suggested a last minute meet as he was driving home and stopped nearby to where I live, unfortunately at that time I was visiting friends so was unable to meet.

We then stopped chatting whilst I was seeing my male 'companion' for a few months. I then rejoined one of the dating sites we communicated on in Dec 2015 and he straight away messaged me asking to meet up.

 

Our dates lasted around 2/3 hours.

 

I know what I feel is regret at not having been my usual charming and alluring self due to feeling like a bag of nerves. I guess I'll learn my lesson next time if I ever meet someone who makes me feel like he did!

[Toodaloo]

Soph.

 

I am now getting confused.

 

So how did it "end"?

 

This is he guy that said he didn't feel a "spark" right?

 

And are you from a rural back ground? IE do you actually understand farming or do you just know the big thing is a tractor or possibly a combine?

[soph-walker]

Soph.

 

I am now getting confused.

 

So how did it "end"?

 

This is he guy that said he didn't feel a "spark" right?

 

And are you from a rural back ground? IE do you actually understand farming or do you just know the big thing is a tractor or possibly a combine?

 

Ah, apologies, not sure if what I'm writing is making chronological sense, this is the guy that said he didn't feel a spark, yup.

 

After our second date, I asked how he felt and he paused and said he didn't want to string me along and thought it would be best if we left things alone. He apologised for being rough with me about it but I thanked him for being honest.

 

I live rurally and have a basic knowledge of farm life from knowing farmers in my parish and what they get up to/how they run a farm.

He has livestock and farms crops also, he mentioned one of the longest days he worked without stopping was 22 hours.

[Toodaloo]

OK

 

Next question. How far away does he actually live?

[soph-walker]

OK

 

Next question. How far away does he actually live?

 

It's a little over 20 miles away from each other, why do you ask Toodaloo?

 

Is the distance something I should have taken into account?

[Toodaloo]

It's a little over 20 miles away from each other, why do you ask Toodaloo?

 

Is the distance something I should have taken into account?

 

20 miles. Half an hour... Any further and I would not say the following.

 

Why don't you send a quick text saying something along the lines of;

 

"I know it could never have worked... You drive a red tractor and I am a green girl all the way. But still hope your keeping your toes warm today".

 

Then leave it. See what his response is. If he doesn't respond leave it. If he does, stop, let the text st on your phone for a few hours and think carefully before you respond.

 

Oh that only works if he drives a Massey and not a JD... Swop it round if he is a JD man.

[Popsicle]

I don't know, he said he didn't feel a spark. It's never a good thing when a guy says that. He could mean that he just doesn't feel attracted to you regardless of your feelings for him and not because of anything you've done. Those words are death sentence to the R.

[Toodaloo]

I don't know, he said he didn't feel a spark. It's never a good thing when a guy says that. He could mean that he just doesn't feel attracted to you regardless of your feelings for him and not because of anything you've done. Those words are death sentence to the R.

 

True.

 

But

 

1. Soph was not on form. IF they meet again she can be more herself

2. The reason WHY he felt no spark was because she was not as feisty in meeting as she was in messaging.

 

Ergo he needs to spend time with Soph as she is, not as a silly nervous girly...

 

Just saying...

 

Up to you Soph.

 

1. You give it one last shot then give it up

2. You give it up.

 

Either way even if you do. If he doesn't respond do not chase him.

[Gaeta]

 

1. Soph was not on form. IF they meet again she can be more herself

2. The reason WHY he felt no spark was because she was not as feisty in meeting as she was in messaging. .

 

You are now attributing women's thought process to men. You will never hear a man say he didn't feel attracted toward a woman because she was shy or reserved or didn't speak enough for his liking. A man feels attracted or not at the moment he sees you in the door. It's visceral, it's not something that is thought out. He sees you and his d&ck move or not. Period.

 

Also, if there was a little chance for his attraction to grow he would not have completely closed the door on her with 'not feeling a spark'. He would have kept in touch with her, would have been a little slow to come up with another invitation but he would not have completely shut the door as he did.

 

''not feeling a spark'' is something that cannot be revived not even with an electrical shock. Soph honey, pick your battles, this is not one of them.

[Toodaloo]

Men are not so black and white.

 

Some of them shock the heck out of me...

 

Soph when it comes down to it you have a choice. Good luck with what ever you choose to do. There really is no right or wrong.

 

Perhaps if you do send that text and he ignores you it may close off those feelings you have? I don't know.

 

I have closed off people before then after thought now why the heck did I do that?

[Gaeta]

Men are not so black and white.

 

Oufff sometime I think they are all back & white. If there is a shade of grey somewhere it's a thin line.

 

Would be interesting to hear a male perspective on when a man says 'no thank you I feel no sparks'.

 

 

I have closed off people before then after thought now why the heck did I do that?

 

Again that is because you are a woman. The side of our brain that manages emotions is overly developed compared to men. We analyze, second guess ourselves, and our attraction differs than what men call attraction.

 

I am ready to bet Soph's man has already completely forgotten about her and when he gets her text he'll think what the heck!

 

But, sometimes people need a full blown rejection to find closure. On that angle I agree that maybe soph needs to reach to him so she gets that well-needed rejection from him to move on.

[Popsicle]

I guess it really can't hurt to give it one last shot and then you can feel better about your effort. Everything in life is a learning experience!

[Toodaloo]

[/i]But, sometimes people need a full blown rejection to find closure. On that angle I agree that maybe soph needs to reach to him so she gets that well-needed rejection from him to move on.

 

Exactly.

 

At least if she sends the text she will know either way.

 

Not my life, not my decision.

 

And Gaeta honey they are not all black and white... get under their skin and they will shock and surprise you... No one, man nor beast is ever simply black and white...

 

Either way it doesn't matter. There will be other men out there.

[soph-walker]

Ladies, thank you for your words and taking the time to give me your thoughts on my melodrama d'amour *cringe*.

 

I agree with some of what all of you have said.

 

I don't know if it would sound completely desperate of me if, in a few weeks I messaged him and explained how nervous I felt and how formidable a man he was and let him know that I am not one to let a good man out of my sight without a try.

 

Living rurally, my pool is limited..I'm not saying I've dated every eligible man in my county..but I've been on quuuuiiite a few dates and have rarely felt this kind of pull. Despite knowing he works 90 odd hours a week and the fact his priority is his farm, I still want to see him. I don't know many women that would still be interested in a man after learning of his work life.

 

To be honest, he has already rejected me completely by saying he didn't have the desire to sleep with me, yet has confused me by saying he genuinely enjoyed my company, thought I was attractive, intelligent etc. which is rare.

 

I know I need to take this clear rejection and move on, but for some reason, I feel like I'm always going to think of him and sigh and kick myself for not flirting and letting myself relax.

 

My best hope is that time elapses and he realises there aren't an abundance of caring, intelligent and determined women in this county...OR...over time, I just stop caring.

 

P.S any guys care to add their two cents?

Edited January 20, 2016 by soph-walker

[Gaeta]

To be honest, he has already rejected me completely by saying he didn't have the desire to sleep with me, yet has confused me by saying he genuinely enjoyed my company, thought I was attractive, intelligent etc. which is rare.

 

Oh honey there is nothing confusing here! It's just your own infatuation coming in the way.

 

At the moment I saw him I knew nothing romantic would happen between us. He had a big smile on, he was smart, witty, funny I decided to have a coffee with him still. I have never laughed so hard in my life!! I stayed there with him for 2 HOURS.

 

When we left the coffee he asked to see me again and I declined. I told him exactly what your guy told you: Harry, you're a lovely man and I had an amazing time I truly have never laughed so hard in my life BUT I do not feel anything romantic between us is possible.

 

The fact this man gave you compliments and the fact he could recognize you are a nice woman does not mean in anyway!! it could develop in something romantic.

[Gaeta]

My best hope is that time elapses and he realises there aren't an abundance of caring, intelligent and determined women in this county...OR...over time, I just stop caring.

 

P.S any guys care to add their two cents?

 

So your plan is to have him date you by default? Not because he is interested in you but because his choice of women is limited?

 

You have a really bad case of infatuation. Ask yourself: why do you want someone that doesn't want you?

 

When we were little kids and we'd get back in the house crying cause our little friends didn't want to play with us, did your mom say go and ask them again? my mom didn't - she'd say: Stop crying! Go back out there and find someone that WANTS to play with you! THANKS mom! that advice stayed with me all of my life.