soph-walker Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I've been OLD for over a year and a half now. Whilst I've met some lovely chaps, there have been maybe 1 or 2 in this time that I saw potential with, in terms of finding the balance of fancying them and being compatible. I've kept an open mind and have been courteous and honest, also remembering to take people at face value where possible; we are all mere mortals and no-one is perfect...least of all myself. I recently had 2 dates with a man I have not felt this kind of attraction to since my last major relationship. Now, I'm not unrealistic, after 2 meetings you do not know a person at all, or remotely well enough to judge whether you are right for each other. After our 2nd date, he told me he didn't want to string me along, but felt he didn't want to force things as he said I wasn't as direct as he expected and therefore didn't feel that 'spark'. Now, I'm not stupid and am certainly not a masochist, I've developed a tougher skin and learnt not to take things personally and dust myself off after many a rejection using OLD. Here's the kicker...I am still thinking about this guy and genuinely feel like I have had a missed opportunity. I've had dates with other guys, but have such an unusual sensation that I need to see this particular guy again. So much so, I've wrestled with myself to not message him again and have thought to myself I need to give my head a serious shake. I have also thought of making brief contact with him again in a couple of months (I am sure I will feel the same). Am I a complete fool or has anyone else experienced feelings like this and if so, have you made contact with the one that got away after a period of time? (I'm expecting much berating/chiding/telling off from all that read this*) *DISCLAIMER I am of sound mind, well educated and a rational human being, however, I feel like I've been hit in the backside by Cupid's bow!!
Robratory Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 After our 2nd date, he told me he didn't want to string me along, but felt he didn't want to force things as he said I wasn't as direct as he expected and therefore didn't feel that 'spark'. Am I a complete fool or has anyone else experienced feelings like this and if so, have you made contact with the one that got away after a period of time? You're not a complete fool. Who hasn't rued the one that got away? But I have the feeling this guy lied to you. It's not a guy thing to break things off because there's no spark. No guy turns down the possibility of sex because there's no spark. It's a rare guy that won't settle for "some" when the alternative is "none." Spark isn't even something that most guys think about. Instead, our inner piggie goes, "Yeah, I'd hit that!" and that settles it. And even if he didn't lie, what then? He's not attracted. I wouldn't contact him again, and for the future, I wouldn't allow myself to get this excited over someone by the second date. It's much better to look for the next frog to kiss. 1
Author soph-walker Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 You're not a complete fool. Who hasn't rued the one that got away? But I have the feeling this guy lied to you. It's not a guy thing to break things off because there's no spark. No guy turns down the possibility of sex because there's no spark. It's a rare guy that won't settle for "some" when the alternative is "none." Spark isn't even something that most guys think about. Instead, our inner piggie goes, "Yeah, I'd hit that!" and that settles it. And even if he didn't lie, what then? He's not attracted. I wouldn't contact him again, and for the future, I wouldn't allow myself to get this excited over someone by the second date. It's much better to look for the next frog to kiss. I asked him for feedback via message after the 2nd date, he said he thought I was articulate, intelligent and attractive but he said if he didn't feel like seeing a woman naked after 2 meetings then it couldn't be forced. (I know this sounds a jerkish thing to say and I told him it made him seem like he was only concerned with sex, he told me not at all, he wants the whole package). His dating profile listed that he was looking for a spark/chemistry, like, it was the first thing he wrote. Idk, I just feel at such a loss as to why I feel like I so incredibly want to spend time with him again. Maybe he spiked my drink and my brain has disintegrated as a result:laugh:
brothers343 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I think everyone has met people that believe they will change there lives one way or another but later you find out that it's just a passersby and eventually you move on to the next one. It's sad when you think that you let go of the (ONE). But in reality,when the time comes.....the real (ONE) will not let you go!! 3
Author soph-walker Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 I think everyone has met people that believe they will change there lives one way or another but later you find out that it's just a passersby and eventually you move on to the next one. It's sad when you think that you let go of the (ONE). But in reality,when the time comes.....the real (ONE) will not let you go!! Oh crikey, I don't believe in soulmates or the 'one'. I don't want to marry him, just have such a desire to be in his company again! He was so down to earth to speak to and we finished each other's sentences.
katiegrl Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I asked him for feedback via message after the 2nd date, he said he thought I was articulate, intelligent and attractive but he said if he didn't feel like seeing a woman naked after 2 meetings then it couldn't be forced. (I know this sounds a jerkish thing to say and I told him it made him seem like he was only concerned with sex, he told me not at all, he wants the whole package). His dating profile listed that he was looking for a spark/chemistry, like, it was the first thing he wrote. Idk, I just feel at such a loss as to why I feel like I so incredibly want to spend time with him again. Maybe he spiked my drink and my brain has disintegrated as a result:laugh: soph-walker --- did you feel this intensely towards him before he rejected you or after? Perhaps he has experienced that "love/lust at first sight" thing and now is unable to settle for less. I know for me, I just ended a six year RL with a man with whom I felt that immediate spark/chemistry...and I think I might have a hard time settling for less than that going forward. Gonna try though....cuz I don't think it's realistic...but some people who have experienced it...will absolutely not settle for less.
Author soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 soph-walker --- did you feel this intensely towards him before he rejected you or after? Perhaps he has experienced that "love/lust at first sight" thing and now is unable to settle for less. I know for me, I just ended a six year RL with a man with whom I felt that immediate spark/chemistry...and I think I might have a hard time settling for less than that going forward. Gonna try though....cuz I don't think it's realistic...but some people who have experienced it...will absolutely not settle for less. I felt this as soon as he sat down and we started chatting, he later put his hand on my leg and I felt giddy. We chatted about all kinds of things and as I got to know him a little better felt like we clicked. He did say that he has felt that chemistry before and knows he shouldn't be looking for it again but can't help it. His relationship still ended though didn't it so chemistry can't win out all the time.. How come you and your ex finished, if you don't mind the question? I had that kind of chemistry before so I can understand, but I also felt chemistry with him too. I wish I'd have been a little more open to flirting with him..
Emilia Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 He has leaky boundaries. People who push early on (touching you, for example) will deem you boring if you don't respond. You have to accept that if you have firm boundaries, men who can't see an easy way in will walk. Any guy that wants a healthy relationship will very much appreciate a girl who is more reticent in the beginning. This guy is all about crossing boundaries. Not a good one. Next! 3
Author soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 He has leaky boundaries. People who push early on (touching you, for example) will deem you boring if you don't respond. You have to accept that if you have firm boundaries, men who can't see an easy way in will walk. Any guy that wants a healthy relationship will very much appreciate a girl who is more reticent in the beginning. This guy is all about crossing boundaries. Not a good one. Next! I touched his arm first (I know this sounds silly and pithy, dissecting things like this- I did study body language and non verbal communication at college though haha) and it was after this that he touched my leg. I basically shut down flirting though as I felt too nervous/self conscious. I see you've mentioned leaky boundaries in a previous thread of mine, it's not a term I'm familiar with? Has anyone got in touch with an ex-date months after a date, or had this happen to them?
Coach-Marv Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 *DISCLAIMER I am of sound mind, well educated and a rational human being, however, I feel like I've been hit in the backside by Cupid's bow!! I love this statement. I feel the same with the person i'm feeling for at the moment. Neither of us were looking for relationships/getting involved with anyone, in fact we'd pretty much shut ourselves off, but since I met her that's changed and I feel the same way as you do here. Personally I think that I'm the same as others here: perhaps him telling you that he was looking to back off was the kick-starter to you pining more for him.. kinda the "want what you can't have" type of deal? I know it's hard and no one can tell you how to feel or who to feel it for, but I would say that currently i'm of the thinking that he's a bit slippery and is a "how I feel at the moment" kind of guy, so not someone you want to invest a lot of time into. Maybe try and distance yourself to see if the feeling grows stronger? If you distance yourself and the feeling gets lesser (or heck, don't talk to him but find a buddy you can discuss this with and perhaps that might help you talk yourself out of the idea) then you know it's just a casual pining, rather than love
Author soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 I love this statement. I feel the same with the person i'm feeling for at the moment. Neither of us were looking for relationships/getting involved with anyone, in fact we'd pretty much shut ourselves off, but since I met her that's changed and I feel the same way as you do here. Personally I think that I'm the same as others here: perhaps him telling you that he was looking to back off was the kick-starter to you pining more for him.. kinda the "want what you can't have" type of deal? I know it's hard and no one can tell you how to feel or who to feel it for, but I would say that currently i'm of the thinking that he's a bit slippery and is a "how I feel at the moment" kind of guy, so not someone you want to invest a lot of time into. Maybe try and distance yourself to see if the feeling grows stronger? If you distance yourself and the feeling gets lesser (or heck, don't talk to him but find a buddy you can discuss this with and perhaps that might help you talk yourself out of the idea) then you know it's just a casual pining, rather than love Haha thanks...I thought I'd better leave a disclaimer, I'm not saying this person is the one or going to be the love of my life. Gosh no. I see where you're coming from with the wanting what you can't have aspect. This is not me though, I'm a methodical person and not into this game of wanting someone more if they make themselves unavailable. One of the things he said was I wasn't as direct as he expected me to be.
Emilia Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I touched his arm first (I know this sounds silly and pithy, dissecting things like this- I did study body language and non verbal communication at college though haha) and it was after this that he touched my leg. I basically shut down flirting though as I felt too nervous/self conscious. I see you've mentioned leaky boundaries in a previous thread of mine, it's not a term I'm familiar with? Has anyone got in touch with an ex-date months after a date, or had this happen to them? Touch on the arm isn't the same as a touch on the leg. I touch lightly colleagues or strangers on the arm (trying to walk past, for example). I'd never touch anyone I don't know well on the leg. Boundaries: The Guide to Strong Boundaries
Author soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Touch on the arm isn't the same as a touch on the leg. I touch lightly colleagues or strangers on the arm (trying to walk past, for example). I'd never touch anyone I don't know well on the leg. Boundaries: The Guide to Strong Boundaries Hmm, it wasn't a grope, he did it whilst he was talking about something patronising someone told him, I'm not sure if that makes sense? Thank you for the link re boundaries, it was an interesting read, but felt it didn't shed any light onto him maybe having leaky boundaries?
Amelie1980 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I asked him for feedback via message after the 2nd date, he said he thought I was articulate, intelligent and attractive but he said if he didn't feel like seeing a woman naked after 2 meetings then it couldn't be forced. (I know this sounds a jerkish thing to say and I told him it made him seem like he was only concerned with sex, he told me not at all, he wants the whole package). His dating profile listed that he was looking for a spark/chemistry, like, it was the first thing he wrote. Idk, I just feel at such a loss as to why I feel like I so incredibly want to spend time with him again. Maybe he spiked my drink and my brain has disintegrated as a result:laugh: That sucks. I had it the other way around. He had no problem sleeping with me but just didn't feel enough for me. How weird is that.
dobielover Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 That sucks. I had it the other way around. He had no problem sleeping with me but just didn't feel enough for me. How weird is that. Not weird at all. I hope you've learned by now that men do not need to have romantic feelings to have sex, just hormonal/sexual/turned on by a vagina feelings.
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 His dating profile listed that he was looking for a spark/chemistry, like, it was the first thing he wrote. He's addicted oxytocin. That new relationship energy that gives him a thrill and most of the time it won't last as they are back on the market as soon as those butterflies settle down. Yes I have had brief encounters with men and their impact stayed with me for a long time. There was something in them that was attractive and endearing. In one case I did reach out to him after a couple of months and I only got a polite reply from him. Think about it this way. Ever met a man you knew for sure you did not want to see again after 2 dates? If that man reached to you after a couple of months how would you perceive it? You would probably think <geezzz really you have not moved on yet!!> So don't do that to yourself. Time will fix everything for you. Just be patient. 3
Amelie1980 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I asked him for feedback via message after the 2nd date, he said he thought I was articulate, intelligent and attractive but he said if he didn't feel like seeing a woman naked after 2 meetings then it couldn't be forced. (I know this sounds a jerkish thing to say and I told him it made him seem like he was only concerned with sex, he told me not at all, he wants the whole package). His dating profile listed that he was looking for a spark/chemistry, like, it was the first thing he wrote. Idk, I just feel at such a loss as to why I feel like I so incredibly want to spend time with him again. Maybe he spiked my drink and my brain has disintegrated as a result:laugh: That sucks. I had it the other way around. He had no problem sleeping with me but just didn't feel enough for me. How weird is that.
Amelie1980 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 He's addicted oxytocin. That new relationship energy that gives him a thrill and most of the time it won't last as they are back on the market as soon as those butterflies settle down. Yes I have had brief encounters with men and their impact stayed with me for a long time. There was something in them that was attractive and endearing. In one case I did reach out to him after a couple of months and I only got a polite reply from him. Think about it this way. Ever met a man you knew for sure you did not want to see again after 2 dates? If that man reached to you after a couple of months how would you perceive it? You would probably think <geezzz really you have not moved on yet!!> So don't do that to yourself. Time will fix everything for you. Just be patient. Ive also noticed that the heady intense chemistry doesn't come from a healthy place. Chemistry doesn't mean you're compatible and once it wears off you realize you arent right. I wish guys would pay more attention to realistic basis' for compatibility. 2
lilmissjava Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Sorry Soph, Let the dreamer dream on, if it was meant to be.. you know what they say. Total packages are rare. I should know.. I am one of them Kidding. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 *DISCLAIMER I am of sound mind, well educated and a rational human being, however, I feel like I've been hit in the backside by Cupid's bow!! Soph Don't call this guy. Its called infatuation. Just walk away and smile to yourself. Buggar going backwards - march forwards! 1
Author soph-walker Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 He's addicted oxytocin. That new relationship energy that gives him a thrill and most of the time it won't last as they are back on the market as soon as those butterflies settle down. Yes I have had brief encounters with men and their impact stayed with me for a long time. There was something in them that was attractive and endearing. In one case I did reach out to him after a couple of months and I only got a polite reply from him. Think about it this way. Ever met a man you knew for sure you did not want to see again after 2 dates? If that man reached to you after a couple of months how would you perceive it? You would probably think <geezzz really you have not moved on yet!!> So don't do that to yourself. Time will fix everything for you. Just be patient. I do wonder if he is thinking realistically, he swears he wants a loving and longterm relationship, but is basing it on what's in his pants. He swore it wasn't that he was looking for a sex based relationship, but I thought, he's told me I'm beautiful, intelligent, genuinely enjoys my company..what the heck does a woman have to do to get to know a guy?! If I was to message him again, I certainly wouldn't be pouring my heart out to him, I would just test the water and not really care about making a fool of myself if he thought 'why is she messaging me'. I wish I could be as classy as you, Gaeta! I just want to see him again and spend a bit of time getting to know him, why the heck can't I move on!
Toodaloo Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I just want to see him again and spend a bit of time getting to know him, why the heck can't I move on! Because he got under your skin. He told you what you wanted to hear. Reality is that the guy is not what you think he is. Been there at it hurts doesn't it. Delete his number. Delete any texts etc. How to get over it and stop thinking about him...Mmmm... Every time you do think about him, stop what you are doing and do 5 press ups. Proper ones, not the half ones. On the tube, out shopping, in the office. After a day you will be so embarrassed and your arms so aching that you will just think sod this and move on. You will also prevent bat wings... 1
Amelie1980 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I do wonder if he is thinking realistically, he swears he wants a loving and longterm relationship, but is basing it on what's in his pants. He swore it wasn't that he was looking for a sex based relationship, but I thought, he's told me I'm beautiful, intelligent, genuinely enjoys my company..what the heck does a woman have to do to get to know a guy?! If I was to message him again, I certainly wouldn't be pouring my heart out to him, I would just test the water and not really care about making a fool of myself if he thought 'why is she messaging me'. I wish I could be as classy as you, Gaeta! I just want to see him again and spend a bit of time getting to know him, why the heck can't I move on! I got it the other way around, I got a guy who laughed with me, spoke of future events with me, had amazing sex with me...then dumped me saying he didn't feel it. Wtf did he want? Believe me it hurts way worse this way. At least he didn't use you for sex.
sweet honeydew Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I have different opinions: a)It's possible to develop deeper connection in just 2 dates. It all depends on how deep you connected, how much interaction went on outside the meeting, etc. b)I don't think he is a bad guy. A bad one would have sensed your enthusiasm and stayed to take advantage of that. By telling you straight, he's being responsible. c)why he quit is a separate issue from why you can't quit. I don't think you can ever know for sure why he stop going forward. There are too many possibilities. But your feeling, after he declines, is the one you can sort out. Based on how you describe yourself, I am going to guess it's chemistry and hormone related. You'll just have to find another man similar bio and wait for your monthly hormone cycle to calm down. :-) Get yourself busy will do it. 1
VeveCakes Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Sexual attraction is very important to a long term relationship, he is saying nicely that there wasn't any there. It's nothing you can do or change.
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