I am in so much pain! I cheated on my perfect husband!

[OneLov]

Wedding vows obviously didn't mean anything to me. I don't believe in them.

 

That's fine but that's not relevant. It's not about what they mean to you but that they might mean something to him. And if they mean nothing to you and you want to stay committed, Mrs. A is right. That's not pain; it's 100% fear of losing the secondary benefits of marriage.

[painin]

@Bryanp so than why do 75% of American marriages fail? I guess we all promised to be faithful and we all replied I do. The question then arises is Does anyone in modern age even believe these wedding vows?

[Chi townD]

@Mrs John Adams actually he does understand what pain I am going through. I myself haven't eaten, slept or done anything since last five days. He KNOWS that and understands that. He knows and feels my suffering too. I am not in fear. The second time around whatever I did, I was aware of what I was doing. I knew how much this would hurt my husband. Yet, I continued not once but twice. As, one of the other poster had mentioned the issue is not my marriage. The issue is me. And, until I fix me this marriage or any other relationship I would have after my divorce won't work. I realize that. My husband realizes that. And, knows me like an open book. I have never not told him the truth. My entire life is open book to him. He is the only person who knows me inside and out. My good, my bad, my best and my worst. I have never ever hidden anything from him. For me the true question than arises is : Can he keep to his promises of forever loving me? Can he keep to his vows of until death do us apart? Is his love unconditional towards me? ( he has always said that he loves me more than our two teenage kids) . As much as my love is put to test so is his!

 

 

See, now with your original post, you had me and with this post you lost me. He doesn't owe you anything. You were the only person here that broke your vows. You broke your promise when you've allowed other men to be intimate with you. You're not owning this.

 

 

If he decides to leave, he can do so. And it's not that he didn't or doesn't love you if he leaves. It would be because of YOUR actions that brought him to this point. Nothing that he did. If anyone has questions like that, it should be HIM asking those questions about you! Can you say until death do us part if you're out sampling other men? Can he say that YOU have unconditional love for him when you're giving something that was promised to him to other men? Is he convinced that YOU have unconditional love for him if you had no problem performing sex acts on the neighbor?!?!

 

 

You need to wake up or you're going to lose him. This isn't his fault and if he leaves, that's not his fault either! You made a choice to cheat, and those choices have consequences.

[painin]

@Onelov no fear of losing the secondary benefits of marriage. I am very educated, beautiful woman who can make it on her own. Only, if you knew my background. In the end it comes down to love. True love. Yes, I love him in my own ways. My ways might be crazy, mysterious, irrational in his own ways. But, in the end it's love. I firmly believe in that and will continue my belief. My love towards my husband is just like that.....towards my children. In my eyes, my children can do no wrong. They are perfect little people. They do mistake, and as parents you forgive them. I did mistake and hopefully he can forgive me. As in the end , he did say he loves me more than my children!

[gettingstronger]

I think you will benefit more from individual counseling than marriage counseling-

 

Giving oral to your neighbor, etc... shows signs of some deeper issues here-

[sandylee1]

If you had the 'perfect' marriage and did this... why in the world do you expect your husband to believe you won't do it again.. or that he should trust you?

 

If you give a guy you don't like oral.... what would you do with a guy who you did like ? Look at it from your husband's POV. How exactly do you get to the point of giving your neighbour oral? He didn't just bring it out for you.... something led up to this. You need to work on your boundaries with men. .. this will help you in future relationships because not sure if your dear husband will be able to reconcile with you after this.

 

I also note that you said the first time.. The MM stopped it and realised he was wrong... clearly you didn't.... that's a terrible shame.....because not only is your husband in pain..he'll be wondering how to trust other women.

 

I honestly think it's better for serial cheaters like yourself to be single and have casual non committed relationships... that way you won't hurt others in the process.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You placed your needs above the needs of your husband....you selfishly chose to put other men before him...you have destroyed his world as he knew it.....you have taken something away from him that you can never give back.

You have plunged a knife deep into his heart and twisted it.

 

The pain you feel....is NOTHING like the pain of being betrayed.....

You are afraid of the consequences of your actions...but you are not sorry for what you did. How do I know this? Because you are still only concentrating on you.

 

Remorse...is understanding the pain you have caused...and doing anything and everything required to take that pain on yourself.....

[OneLov]

I did mistake and hopefully he can forgive me.

 

You did not make a mistake, you made several poor choices.

 

The Mistake Defense ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

Please read the above post from IHG and then reread your posts on this thread. I hope this helps you understand why most think you're confusing pain with fear. I hope you gain some insight to help you both heal.

[Bryanp]

Wow. First 75 percent of first marriages do not fail. It is about 52 percent.

You continue to deflect my question.

 

I simply stated that you said you never made a PROMISE to your husband to be faithful and not to cheat. At your wedding you made a PROMISE to your husband to be faithful.

 

Whether marriages fail is irrelevant. You indeed made a promise so your statement of never promising him this is invalid.

[TX-SC]

@Bryanp so than why do 75% of American marriages fail? I guess we all promised to be faithful and we all replied I do. The question then arises is Does anyone in modern age even believe these wedding vows?

 

Yes, my wife and I do.

[The D Train]

Not a female but I would think if a female flat out gives a guy she's not attracted to oral sex (to completion?) there's some deeper issue going on. Unlikely she is getting any physical satisfaction from the act, only him. There must be something that drove the OP to do this? Get back at husband, self esteem issues, etc?

[sandylee1]

@ For me the true question than arises is : Can he keep to his promises of forever loving me? Can he keep to his vows of until death do us apart? Is his love unconditional towards me? ( he has always said that he loves me more than our two teenage kids) . As much as my love is put to test so is his!

 

All I see here is selfish delusion. This is equivalent to complaining your betrayed spouse didn't keep to 'the for better for worse vow'

 

Something about your words above sound odd. Maybe it's mental health issues that make you question his vows after you've cheated twice. I think you need more than therapy... a full psychiatric evaluation might be more useful in your case. They can look into medical issues that a therapist isn't qualified to.

 

You're not a safe partner... you continue to be a high cheat risk... something is lacking within you.

 

Why do you think he should stay with you after what you've put him through? Seriously what's so great about you that he should risk further betrayal? Why would he want to remain married to a woman who blows a guy she claims not to like? Love alone doesn't cut it.

 

You seem to think it's not quite so bad because you didn't have intercourse......

 

You say who believes in the vows these days? Many people do including myself.

 

It comes over that you think he'll never leave you.

You very flippantly say you're suprised he never got over the last A.

 

A number of your comments are typical of having a personality disorder..... so a mental health assessment would do you good.

[painin]

He will never leave me and I know that for fact. I am that good. I am hot as hell. Excellent in bed. Make over $ 100,000 a year and definitely not an American. I know the ups and downs in this culture. It's not the same in some other cultures. I have wrapped him around me. And, guess what I know he is not going any where else. That's all !!!!!

[brothers343]

So you had an affair twice....yes I understand the first one was just kissing. But still an affair. Now you go and tell your awesome husband that you gave your affair partner BJs. I'm sorry to give you the bad news but he will never forget and he will never forgive you. Your marriege is done. It will never be the same....not ever. Sooner or later his probably going to the the same thing to you. I'm sorry if Im being harsh but reality and fiction don't go hand in hand. Fiction is that your marriege will survive this and it may but the reality is that it will never be the same and one day you will wonder if the man that you crushed so bad is doing the same thing you did. Good luck and i hope everything works out for you.

[wmacbride]

@Bryanp so than why do 75% of American marriages fail? I guess we all promised to be faithful and we all replied I do. The question then arises is Does anyone in modern age even believe these wedding vows?

 

Some of us most certainly do.

 

About your statistic...If, as you say, 76% of marriages fail, that doesn't mean that all those people cheated. Likely more than half of the spouses never cheated, and some of the marriages ended for other reasons.

 

I do find this post of your interesting. You ask

" For me the true question than arises is : Can he keep to his promises of forever loving me? Can he keep to his vows of until death do us apart? Is his love unconditional towards me? ( he has always said that he loves me more than our two teenage kids) . As much as my love is put to test so is his! "

 

Why do you expect him to keep his vows when you never did. This goes beyond cheating and is about loving. You expect him to carry the load while you flitted about.

 

Before you brush that statement off, really think about it. Love is an action and not just a word. Did your actions show him that you loved him?

[wmacbride]

@Onelov no fear of losing the secondary benefits of marriage. I am very educated, beautiful woman who can make it on her own. Only, if you knew my background. In the end it comes down to love. True love. Yes, I love him in my own ways. My ways might be crazy, mysterious, irrational in his own ways. But, in the end it's love. I firmly believe in that and will continue my belief. My love towards my husband is just like that.....towards my children. In my eyes, my children can do no wrong. They are perfect little people. They do mistake, and as parents you forgive them. I did mistake and hopefully he can forgive me. As in the end , he did say he loves me more than my children!

 

He is not your father, you are not his child.

 

Sure, kids make mistakes, and as parents, we forgive them. The thing is that he may forgive you for your "mistakes" but that doesn't mean he will want to stay with you.

 

Right now, it sounds like you are panicking and grasping at any straw. Better to let that straw go and start your counseling together, from scratch.

[Robert]

8 deleted posts in the last couple hours. We'll close this one up and if the OP returns and wishes it opened, they can use the Alert Us button on this post.

 

If and when that happens, please review this thread before posting. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/45340-posting-engage-rather-than-preach

 

Thank you,

~6