He broke up with me, then texted me, then disappeared again

[bettina7]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. First of all I'm sorry for my English, I hope I won't make too many mistakes. I feel the need to know what complete strangers think about my situation.

My boyfriend broke up with me after 6 years together (we're both 25 now), saying he had some kind of personal crisis and that he couldn't give me what I need right now. He still hasn't graduated and still lives with his parents, he doesn't have a job and the money is short, the day he broke up with me he said that all these things added up and made him miserable. At first I believed him, he cried his eyes out and hugged me and I was very worried because I never saw him like that. We talked for about 3 hours and at the end he seemed to have come to his senses, and told me that he thought he didn't want to be with me anymore for a brief moment but he didn't feel like that anymore after our chat, he just felt like it was fair to tell me how he felt. He asked me to hang out the same day, and we spent the whole afternoon joking, laughing, kissing as nothing had appened. He wanted to see me the next day, but in the meantime I started feeling hurt and thinking about what he had told me, so I told him I didn't feel like it. So he brought up the idea of a "break" of about a month (all this happened via text and I don't remember exactly which words he used) to which I agreed, still thinking that after all he was just going through a difficult time. He said stuff like "just think about how beautiful it will be when we get back together with a clear head", thatwe needed some time apart to deal with our own things, that I'm the most important person in his life and bla bla blaHe disappeared for some days and then sent me a breakup text which was very difficult for me to read. I called him and, still believing about this personal crisis excuse, I told him very calmly that I was willing to wait for him to get better, I tried to be very sweet, and he was kind of distant. I asked him more than once if he still loved me, and he said yes. Again, he cried. I told him that the issues he felt we had were very easy to overcome and he agreed, he also told me that he absolutely didn't want to stay friends with me because he couldn't just be my friend, he couldn't bear it. That was the last time I spoke to him. I went 2 weeks crying like crazy, I couldn't believe that he broke up with me all of a sudden, I missed him so much and I forced myself to put away everything I had in my apartment that reminded me of him, I deleted all his texts, I unfollowed him on Facebook (I didn't unfriend me because I thought it was petty) and I slowly started to heal. I never ever made contact. About two weeks after he liked a super old FB post which was in no way referred to him (I never posted anything regarding this situation nor my sadness - he on the other hand posted a lot of depressing songs about break ups and being in love and stuff) and I thought it was very odd. I ignored it. A couple of weeks after that (3 days after christmas) he texted me asking me how I was doing, saying that he wanted to get in touch before but he didn't know if I wanted to hear from him. I told him that I was doing good, I was going out with my friends, working, the usual. Then he started joking like he did when we were together and, since he owes money (since last summer) he told me he didn't forget, and he ended the conversation saying that he was happy we talked. I talked to him like I would do with a random acquaintance, polite and nice, but my friends told me that I should have been distant, but did a lot of thinking in the meantime: I came to the conclusion that this personal crisis thing was utter bull****, also because he immediately made his relationship status private after the breakup. I became very offended with him, so I thought that bein distant and cold towards him would have made him think that I'm still sad and in love - which I am but I don't want him to know, i want him to think that I'm doing fine. This happened about three weeks ago, and he didn't text me anymore since then. All this time I completely ignored him and went on with my life. My friends, who know that he's not the most straightforward, mature and brave person there is, told me that he probably expected me to text him again after he did it, and is thinking about his 'next move', a way to see if I would be down to rekindle things, I gave it a thought and I think it could be the case, especially because of that money thing: it's soo little money that I don't even need and he knows, and I don't see why he had to bring it up after he broke up with me, so maybe he wanted me to ask him to see me so he could give it to me (which of course I didn't), because he was scared to ask it himself. But obviously I'm not sure of anything and I'm starting to think that it's really the end. What do you think?

 

I'm so sorry if this post is super long and again sorry for my english

Edited January 18, 2016 by bettina7

[qofplenty]

I'd give it more time and not speak to him. He needs more time as well. You may have to take the ball out of his court. Maybe firmly say that you don't want to talk to him until you feel better and that if he respects your health, he will let you heal. Even if he came back tomorrow, would you want him after he broke up with you ? I think it'd take time for you to see him in a positive light again? or time for him to mature, if that will ever even happen.

[bettina7]

I'd give it more time and not speak to him. He needs more time as well. You may have to take the ball out of his court. Maybe firmly say that you don't want to talk to him until you feel better and that if he respects your health, he will let you heal. Even if he came back tomorrow, would you want him after he broke up with you ? I think it'd take time for you to see him in a positive light again? or time for him to mature, if that will ever even happen.

 

You could say that the ball is still in his court...when he broke up with me I followed the no contact rule for a month pretending he didn't exist (we don't live in the same town so it was fairly easy) then he texted me, I answered but after that I didn't initiate contact, I came back to ignoring him (as he is doing with me since like I said he disappeared again after that exchnge) so that's why I'm confused. To be honest I still have feelings for him but at the same time he hurt me, and I don't know if he's a person I could make plans with...I just don't get the point in contacting me and joking etc. after he broke up with me and said he didn't want to stay friends (neither did I so that's ok) because he couldn't bear it

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this has happened, OP. Break-ups after a number of years together are hard especially when one person keeps showing up again.

 

What were the issues he felt you couldn't overcome as a couple? And what was this personal crisis he was having? That might help us understand his frame of mind right now.

 

I would stick to No Contact as much as you can. Whatever the case, he doesn't know what he wants and wanted not to be in a relationship right now.

[bettina7]

Sorry this has happened, OP. Break-ups after a number of years together are hard especially when one person keeps showing up again.

 

What were the issues he felt you couldn't overcome as a couple? And what was this personal crisis he was having? That might help us understand his frame of mind right now.

 

I would stick to No Contact as much as you can. Whatever the case, he doesn't know what he wants and wanted not to be in a relationship right now.

 

Thank you! It's really hard especially because we did everything together. On the day he broke up with me he told me that he thought about what happened months ago: we were walking and he didn't hold my hand to I told him (joking) "wow you wouldn't even hold my hand now?" so that day he told me that suddenly he found himself thinking about that and he started having doubts about our relationship. but when we met he told me that the main reason why he felt this way was the fact that he felt crappy about his life in general: like I said he is struggling to graduate college, he still lives with his parents (but it's not very uncommon here in Italy) and he doesn't have a job so he depends on them. at first I thought it was genuine because he was crying and struggling to speak. then we talked about some issues we've been having: first, there's a lack of intimacy, our sex life hasn't been great because we're both very busy and it's hard for us to find a place and time to have sex in peace. also we almost exclusively hung out with each other, I don't like his friends very much and they have been rude to me in the past so I don't feel like being around them, but of course I never told him not to see them anymore, we always gave each other a lot of freedom to do whatever we wanted. the last months of our relationship were kind of difficult because of this and also because we were very busy and tired, so I feel that we were both kind of bored when we saw each other. basically we always did the same things every weekend. I think that these kind of problems can become serious over time, but I also think that they can be easily be solved. we could try new things, I can give his friends another chance and spend more time with them, we could make an effort to build our intimacy again...When I told him this he agreed, but at the same time he didn't give me (or us) a chance to work it out. I, on the other hand, gave him plenty of second chances (when we first got together I found out he was texting another girl, then he lied to me about seeing his ex girlfriend etc.). I'm still obsessing over this whole situation because like I said in my first post he didn't tell me that he doesn't love me anymore even if I asked him more than once, I was kind of hoping he would tell me "I don't love you anymore" because it would have been easier for me to completely get over it, then he messed with me by liking a random post and texting me...It's horrible!! I don't know what to think

[angel.eyes]

For starters, it's not a break. It's a breakup. But he's going to yo-yo back and forth into your life as he gets comfortable with being single and not sharing everything with you. That's going to take months. Ultimately, that's not fair to you, since it repeatedly gives you hope that things may start up again. As long as you have hope, you aren't going to accept that it's over. Hope prevents you from healing and getting on with your life. But understand that this relationship is over...kaput...finito...stick a fork in it, done.

 

You need to go completely no contact. Block him on all social media and email. Block his phone number. Don't just hide anything that reminds you of him. Get rid of it. That includes all the gifts, cards, messages, etc. you received from him. Delete all his emails, voice messages, and texts. Take up a new hobby to fill some of the void the breakup leaves. Work on expanding your social circle.

 

If you aren't proactive about preventing him from popping in and out of your life at will as he recovers and moves on, this will turn into a very long, painful, confusing breakup for you. It will take you forever to heal if you let it drag out. So, don't.

[bettina7]

I can Finally say that I've 100% accepted that we won't get back together and it's probably for the best. I'm not even thinking about what that text meant. But for the past 2 days I've been experiencing a weird new phase...I've been thinking about random times in which I was rude or bratty towards him, or the times I treated him badly...there weren't much in 6 years, and obviously I'm not talking about abuse or anything, but my biggest flaw is that when I get angry I can say pretty hurtful things, and he's the kind of person who tries to avoid conflict most of the time, also I'm a ****ty person and I always want To have the last word. Bottom line is I'm feeling like ****, I keep in crying thinking about how I should have done everything different not necessarily to stay together, but to make him happy. I just hope he will find a better girl than me to be happy with. I have no intention of reaching out to him, but I would really like to write him and say that i'm sorry if I made him miserable some way. It's reall hard to put up with my bull**** sometimes. Seriously I don't know what's wrong with me, I hope it's just pms and stress