Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 This is NOT a good way to solve problems. He does sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum and in all likelihood it's probably being used on some level to manipulate you out of an argument. I get it... my ex was the same way until I left. He is betting it will be the same again. That he can get back in again with no consequence. You are BOTH teaching your child this is OK. I agree with Tara.. you need to not let him back unless he takes actions to make something better. In my case the ex just gave lip service to change. I am a big believe people won't change unless they want to. There is a good chance even losing you won't be enough of a motivator so be prepared. Still I don't like this dynamic of control. There is probably some emotional or physical abuse going on since control and manipulation rarely exist in a bubble.
Author loveandbeloved Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 (edited) Did he? Omg - get out! Today! Pack and move to Cali and start fresh. You are in danger and your daughter is learning that choosing danger is acceptable. Break free. Live on your own and build a life that's happy and safe with your daughter! Please, do it today! Block the jerk and don't look back! Ask family to be supportive - you need help re establishing your home life. Thank you for your sensitivity. Im already pretty beaten down and the context in some of the responses are written in is kind of a kick when I'm down.. Nonetheless thank you for your responses everyone, I appreciate it. It's hard to weigh the good and the bad when we are madly and deeply in love and just soak up every moment giving eachother affection, to dealing with stuff like this. I did grow up in abuse... And that may explain it. Of course i dont want my daughter thinking thats normal, or God forbid putting her in harms way. But my boyfriend is a father and an amazing love genuine one and he's that way to my daughter too and would never hurt her. I know our relationship sounds awful...he's like my best friend though, we love each other so much it makes us emotional. Our everyday life together is fun and laughter and making memories, making the most out of life. Isn't change possible? Is leaving the only answer or could therapy be? Edited January 18, 2016 by loveandbeloved
ExpatInItaly Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Does he want to change? If not, then no, it's not possible. I think he has endangered you and your little one enough. Leave and create a safe and healthy home for your daughter. If she grew up and met a man like your boyfriend, what would you tell her? Hang in there? I very much doubt that. You know what to do.
Redhead14 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Thank you for your sensitivity. Im already pretty beaten down and the context in some of the responses are written in is kind of a kick when I'm down.. Nonetheless thank you for your responses everyone, I appreciate it. It's hard to weigh the good and the bad when we are madly and deeply in love and just soak up every moment giving eachother affection, to dealing with stuff like this. I did grow up in abuse... And that may explain it. Of course i dont want my daughter thinking thats normal, or God forbid putting her in harms way. But my boyfriend is a father and an amazing love genuine one and he's that way to my daughter too and would never hurt her. I know our relationship sounds awful...he's like my best friend though, we love each other so much it makes us emotional. Our everyday life together is fun and laughter and making memories, making the most out of life. Isn't change possible? Is leaving the only answer or could therapy be? Forget about everything else - Your #1 priority is your daughter PERIOD. This environment is not healthy for her. Do these 'fights' occur in her presence? Has she witnessed any abuse? Change is possible if both parties work together and seek counseling. If he is unwilling to do that, you should pack your daughter's bags and yours. Our everyday life together is fun and laughter and making memories, making the most out of life. -- If this is the prevailing environment, why is this thread about fighting and him leaving for a few days and more than once. 1
katiegrl Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 It's hard to weigh the good and the bad when we are madly and deeply in love and just soak up every moment giving each other affection. Your first post (and prior threads) contradicts this ....but if you disregard your own self so much that you wish to tolerate this unrelenting emotional and physical abuse.... then at least think of your daughter. I shudder to think how this will affect her and her relationships with men.... as she grows up into an adult. The cycle continues. Good luck.
Redhead14 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 But my boyfriend is a father and an amazing love genuine one and he's that way to my daughter too and would never hurt her. -- If this statement were true, he wouldn't be leaving you and HER for days at a time. 1
kendahke Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 And his family SHOULD NOTE CONDONE this but my god, they are waiting there with open arms for him to come home and "get space" so he doesn't do something stupid. Apparently, he's got a supportive family and there is nothing wrong with that. Their first loyalty is to him, not you. Understand that. They're not going to withdraw their loyalty and support to him just because you two had another fight.
kendahke Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 This is practically a cry for help. I dont know what to do with myself, & I feel completely screwed. I'm in a relationship with a man who I've had nothing but issues and red flags with since the beginning. We love each other madly, and then hate each other...and it get's ugly. He's been physically abusive with me before, he's verbally and emotionally abusive on a regular basis when we argue and fight. I'm no saint, I'm bitter. I've always sacrificed so much for him, and have bent and changed so much just for him to be happy, for me to be the woman he needs and now all hell has broken loose.We had a lot of ups and downs with red flags I didn't even realize were red flags until now. I'm like a wife...I handle the bills, I help him financially since hes hit such huge obstacles with child support taking away nearly a grand every month, When I try to get him to hear me out, and listen to how I'd like for him to try a little more, it just goes south and I dont even know where. Next thing you know its "I hate you! F*n B*#tch!" and in each others faces screaming and threatening each other. It's hard to weigh the good and the bad when we are madly and deeply in love and just soak up every moment giving eachother affection, my boyfriend is a father and an amazing love genuine one and he's that way to my daughter too and would never hurt her. .he's like my best friend though, we love each other so much it makes us emotional. Our everyday life together is fun and laughter and making memories, making the most out of life. The former completely cancels out the latter. It sounds more to me like extreme incompatibility is going on, but you want what you want, dash the consequences and who gets hurt. The few days of lovey-dovey bliss gets eviscerated by the red flag, over-the-top, unnecessary behavior on both your parts, but it's better than being alone or starting over with someone else. It's time for you to begin swimming to the shore and get out of this swift current before you lose yourself for good. You've got a good job, so at least you're not dependent upon him. No one's sex can be that good that you'll submit yourself to this behavior just to say "I got a man".
Redhead14 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Apparently, he's got a supportive family and there is nothing wrong with that. Their first loyalty is to him, not you. Understand that. They're not going to withdraw their loyalty and support to him just because you two had another fight. Being supportive and enabling bad/dysfunctional behavior are two different things. If the parents were being truly supportive and making an effort to help their son "grow up", they would tell him to go back to his "family" and address the issues that needed to be addressed like an adult. Since they seem to be "encouraging" his behavior, she's not going to see much head way in terms of getting him to couple's counseling or opening his mind to doing what needs to be done. She not not contact them because they are just as dysfunctional as he is . . . which is the reason he is dysfunctional.
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