How much "space" is okay during a fight? He leaves for days!

[loveandbeloved]

This is practically a cry for help. I dont know what to do with myself, & I feel completely screwed. I'm in a relationship with a man who I've had nothing but issues and red flags with since the beginning. But, we have this undeniable passion and love for each other, where we adore and cherish each other. Our regular every day life at home is pure bliss and fun with him. We love each other madly, and then hate each other...and it get's ugly. He's been physically abusive with me before, he's verbally and emotionally abusive on a regular basis when we argue and fight. I'm no saint, I'm bitter. I've always sacrificed so much for him, and have bent and changed so much just for him to be happy, for me to be the woman he needs and now all hell has broken loose.

 

We were long distance for a year, and after a year we said if things were going well that I would move from California with my daughter in with him in Arizona. We had a magical year, a lot of ups and downs with red flags I didn't even realize were red flags until now. Nonetheless, we were inseparable and beyond in love. It'll be three years for us in April, and we've come so far. We've created a family together with his family, mine, and his son and my daughter who are only 6 months apart. We have a great life with careers and future plans to move back to California in 6 months together and move forward in our lives. I've invested thousands of dollars on a credit card I put him on in my name to hire a lawyer and fight for custody for his son In California. I'm like a wife...I handle the bills, I help him financially since hes hit such huge obstacles with child support taking away nearly a grand every month, I mean we figure it out together. GRANTED, I feel like a lot of the effort comes from me. Both emotionally, when we argue, financially, supporting each other and listening to each other. I know in his heart he loves me deeply, and he even says hes just not a relationship guy and knows I may put in a little more effort (he admits this after prodding and prodding to get him to communicate with me , because communicating is something he DOES NOT DO.) When I try to get him to hear me out, and listen to how I'd like for him to try a little more, it just goes south and I dont even know where. Next thing you know its "I hate you! F*n B*#tch!" and in each others faces screaming and threatening each other.

 

Then he leaves, and turns the tables saying he needs his space and doesnt come home and I AM SO DAMN WEAK that it breaks my heart and i just want him home for us to make it better. He left last night after our fight trying to talk about the fight we had the night before.I had my wisdoms taken out and he didn't help take care of me. Didn't even give me the gauze they gave to him, or instructions, and he just complained about how I kept saying the same thing over again. LIKE HELLO I WAS under general anesthesia! Reason for this is I got dry sockets for not using the gauze, and he just complained about how he was tired. THEN when I get completely offended by him not being able to do something so simple for me, he throws out things after screaming at each other like, "thats why you got that scar on your face when I kicked you!" I dont know, maybe Im rambling. Now hes gone. at his twin brothers probably playing video games not giving a **** about me, and here I am. Weak, pathetic. I should muster up the courage just to leave, for my daughter. I know. Its hard when you love someone one second and hate eachother the next. What do I do? Where do I find the strength? Can we be salvagable? Part of me just wants to stay at my amazing job and get an apartment closer to work and move back to CA next year after my daughter is out of kindergarten so I can further my career without succumbing to being weak and running back home with daddy. He makes me feel weak, and worthless. I seriously need help. I'm so broken. I can't tell you how many articles I read to help me just LEAVE. And how many to help us. But no matter how hard I try, he doesn't listen. He gets emotional and breaks down to me, but do we ever truly get better? Almost 3 years later, and no. Its just periods of pure bliss and raw love, and then periods of torment. Whether they are short or not, its MISERABLE. I need some honest advice, please...if there is anything I am missing out please ask. I'm at the point where I need someone to listen to me, to really hear me out and hopefully invision the situation im in. Thank you guys...truly.

[loveandbeloved]

any advice is truly appreciated

[Buddhist]

I need some honest advice, please...if there is anything I am missing out please ask. I'm at the point where I need someone to listen to me, to really hear me out and hopefully invision the situation im in. Thank you guys...truly.

 

My honest advice is examine your familial relationships now. Any chance you had a non-communicative and abusive parent? I know this relationship dynamic and it's a rollercoaster. The trouble is you lose objectivity in them. Your periods of bliss are probably only minutes in the day and your hell is probably the other 23 hours and 42 minutes. But somehow you've convinced yourself that the bliss is larger than it is and worth it.

 

It isn't. This kind of environment is also patterning both your and your partners children with dysfunctional relationship understanding. Something they will then have to battle their entire lives. Please do not demonstrate your relationship dysfunction to children who have no power of discernment to know that this isn't normal or healthy behaviour between adults.

 

As hard as this is going to be you need to understand these things.

 

1. This relationship will not get better. You cannot 'perfect girlfriend' it into the relationship you want it to be. Your partner clearly has no interest in working with you on it. Every attempt to improve it is met with abuse from him.

 

2. Once you understand the first point you will realise that the only healthy option you have is to leave it. Pack up your child, yourself and your belongings and create a calm and stable home environment for just the two of you. Ask yourself if you want your daughter to experience these kinds of relationships in her life? Because that is what you are teaching her right now. A child's brain is easily patterned for self-destructive behaviour because it does not filter what it sees or experiences. It just accepts it. Undoing that damage takes decades as an adult.

 

3. You are in this relationship because you have problems with self love. That probably occurred sometimes during your childhood. Try not to pass that legacy on. Instead commit to overcoming it yourself. What you feel isn't love, it's addiction. Love is calm, stable and security building. Addictions are crazy-making, unstable and

feel like a rollercoaster.

[katiegrl]

I am not going to tell you to leave him....because clearly you know you should but for some reason (you claim weakness), you can't.

 

So my advice would be to close the thread, and then re-open it and read your own thread....as if it were written by another poster.....or your daughter!

 

Pretend your daughter wrote this.

 

What would you advise HER to do?

 

Now take your own advice, pack your bags and MOVE OUT....and move on.

 

What would your daughter do if something seriously bad happened to you by the likes of this monster?

 

I have heard stories of abusive men throwing acid on their girlfriends' faces....do you want to take that chance?

 

He sounds like a monster.... an utter lunatic! There is NO love there from him....I am sorry. I don't know what load of bull he's feeding you, but it's NOT love.

 

What the HELL are you still doing there? GET OUT!! Go to a shelter if you have no place else.

Edited January 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[HereNorThere]

You have to treat it like any other unhealthy addiction. Would you give your life up to shoot heroin? Bad relationships really aren't any different than chemical dependency. You get addicted to the highs as well as the lows. The roller coaster of emotion will suck you in just as much as the person.

 

How do you quit? You just quit and it's that simple. You make up and your mind and then you deal with the withdrawals. No excuses, rationalizations, justifications, nada.

 

There is nothing more powerful than a person who has made up their mind. You just aren't there yet and that's okay. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

 

It's not as hard as you think. You just throw the cigarettes away or take the needle out your arm and accept that it isn't going to be pleasant for a while. Sometimes you have to run towards the pain to get it over with. There's a really bright light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to start your journey towards it.

 

Godspeed

[Natalie8]

I think you know what you need to do but you are scared of the pain that will follow, plus you have already invested a lot. But you cant make this work alone and as you said, he doesnt communicate. No relationship will survive without communication.

 

From what you have written here, this is a REALLY unhealthy relationship. And this guy doesnt sound like a man i would want my daughter to grow up around.

I hope you will find you strenght and take the first- hardest- step in the right direction.

This is not what love is. Im sorry to be harsh.

[Gaeta]

What you call love and bliss is simply a phase of abuse and violence. It's not true, it's not love.

 

Right now you are teaching your child it's ok to let a man treat you this bad.

 

http://www.sascwr.org/files/www/resources_pdfs/abuse/The_cycle_of_violence_in_domestic_abuse.pdf

[GemmaUK]

If you wish at some point to be physically abused so badly that you end up in hospital or die and your daughter is a witness or a victim also then stay with him.

 

If you don't want that then you need to leave.

 

A bit of reading while you collect yourself:

The Jealousy Game: When Jealous Relationships Become Dangerous - Kindle edition by Mandy White. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

A short read and to the point, you can download a free kindle app to your pc or phone to read this.

 

Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How to Free Yourself From the Narcissist - Kindle edition by Alexandra Nouri MSW. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

My abusive ex I don't think was a narcissist - well not sure - but this is a great read.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452953715&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

An essential read for now and the aftermath.

 

In fact these three are all essentials IMO.

 

You can have a life away from this guy. A happy one. It's up to you whether to choose that path.

[loveandbeloved]

Hey guys! So my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. It's been very bumpy to say the least, but we are happy and in love. We're currently going through a phase where it's kind of the last straw trying to fix and repair things. He doesn't know how to communicate well, and this is the only problem that we really end up facing. If he hurts my feelings, or says something offensive and I try talking to him about an issue... He immediately gets defensive and closed off and the conversation ends up in a blowout. He then leaves packs his stuff and goes to his brothers or parents house for the night and then most of the time doesn't end up coming home the next night either without anything to say to me, even when I'm texting him and calling him he still will not contact me until guilt starts to kick in. I have a 5 year old daughter, and I've told him this has happened a handful of times and he is posing as her role model and this is not healthy or normal. I told him last time that if this happens again I wouldn't be here when he came back, or his stuff would be packed. He did this last weekend, we got in an argument and he didn't come back for the night OR the next night. I had gotten my wisdom teeth extracted just the day before and got painful dry sockets & he left at a horrible time when I needed him to help take care of me which he hardly did anyway and complained about it during our fight. I've ALWAYS been there for him. 2 days later He texted me asking if him and his family could all come over at our place to watch football and that's how he tried to smooth things over. We got in a fight again later that night, and he did get emotional and say he knows he shouldn't have left another day. I have a problem with him doing it at all! If you need space, fine then go get a beer or visit your family, but don't stay for two days! Especially since I left California and all of my family to move up here to Arizona with him and have nobody here. It makes me feel abandoned and alone. And not say a word to me. At this point he apologized and I told him this can never happen again, so I feel like I can't tell him that I don't have closure but I kind of feel like a doormat because I said that last time I wouldn't let this fight again. I don't feel closure in my heart and I feel very hurt and betrayed, & I don't know if I'm going to be able to get past it. Am I overreacting? Is it okay for men to leave you and get their space and not communicate with you at all? Especially now that I want things to be ok with us and we're happy again, I don't want to lose my grounding and respect for myself & the image that I want my daughter to have in her life.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry for your situation, but he's a manipulative, petulant little boy throwing diddums tantrums - and you condone it, allow it and enable it by taking him back.

Time, and time, and time again.

 

And you just did it.

 

Again.

 

So, this is also on you.

 

I take it where you're living is your place?

 

The next time he does it, give him no warning, no update, no texts, no email, no message.

Change the damn locks and pack all his stuff up and store it. In a shed, a garage, anywhere.

But put your money where your mouth is, and grow a spine.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but the more you feed him enough rope, the more he will take a mile. Then two. Then three....

 

Sorry hun, but you really need to hear this. Because he's not the only role-model your daughter has.

 

She has you, as well.

And so far, she's learning that mum is a pushover and a sucker for punishment.

[PegNosePete]

No this behaviour is ABSOLUTELY NOT normal or healthy.

 

I told him last time that if this happens again I wouldn't be here when he came back, or his stuff would be packed. He did this last weekend

You need to put your money where your mouth is.

 

If you don't, he will know that your words are meaningless, and he can carry on with this behaviour forever, using it to get his way every time.

[kendahke]

I told him last time that if this happens again I wouldn't be here when he came back, or his stuff would be packed.

 

Looks like he called your bluff because you were there when he got back and his stuff wasn't packed. He knows you're not going anywhere, so he's going to do as he likes.

 

If you mean what you say, then you needed to be on a plane or a train or a bus back to California with your child in tow. You're not showing her a good role model to be a doormat to a guy, either.

[Maggie4]

It will happen again, and it's really bad for your daughter to see this guy packing. It will have lasting effect on her.

Imo, his family should not allow him to come stay with them, like a boy running away from summer camp, instead of dealing with it like a man.

This isn't about needing space. Walking out the door like that is inappropriate behavior.

[chj456]

As others have said, it's going to keep happening unless you teach him a lesson. He probably needs therapy also if he's going to meaningfully change. Maybe you could go with him for support. Sounds like the good times are good, but he needs help and badly.

[TaraMaiden2]

As others have said, it's going to keep happening unless you teach him a lesson. He probably needs therapy also if he's going to meaningfully change. Maybe you could go with him for support. Sounds like the good times are good, but he needs help and badly.

 

I think she should first call his bluff and close the door on his petulant childish behaviour and sense of entitlement.

 

If - and only if - he is contrite, and asks her to come back, and states he would do anything to prove his love for her - only THEN - should the OP make getting therapy a condition of a return.

 

And he needs to make a series of appointments, and start, before a reconciliation is effected.

 

Only then - should she consider the possibility of doing joint counselling.

If that's truly what she feels is the most favourable option.

But first things first.

[chj456]

Agreed. That is definitely the appropriate sequence.

[Redhead14]

Hey guys! So my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. It's been very bumpy to say the least, but we are happy and in love. We're currently going through a phase where it's kind of the last straw trying to fix and repair things. He doesn't know how to communicate well, and this is the only problem that we really end up facing. If he hurts my feelings, or says something offensive and I try talking to him about an issue... He immediately gets defensive and closed off and the conversation ends up in a blowout. He then leaves packs his stuff and goes to his brothers or parents house for the night and then most of the time doesn't end up coming home the next night either without anything to say to me, even when I'm texting him and calling him he still will not contact me until guilt starts to kick in. I have a 5 year old daughter, and I've told him this has happened a handful of times and he is posing as her role model and this is not healthy or normal. I told him last time that if this happens again I wouldn't be here when he came back, or his stuff would be packed. He did this last weekend, we got in an argument and he didn't come back for the night OR the next night. I had gotten my wisdom teeth extracted just the day before and got painful dry sockets & he left at a horrible time when I needed him to help take care of me which he hardly did anyway and complained about it during our fight. I've ALWAYS been there for him. 2 days later He texted me asking if him and his family could all come over at our place to watch football and that's how he tried to smooth things over. We got in a fight again later that night, and he did get emotional and say he knows he shouldn't have left another day. I have a problem with him doing it at all! If you need space, fine then go get a beer or visit your family, but don't stay for two days! Especially since I left California and all of my family to move up here to Arizona with him and have nobody here. It makes me feel abandoned and alone. And not say a word to me. At this point he apologized and I told him this can never happen again, so I feel like I can't tell him that I don't have closure but I kind of feel like a doormat because I said that last time I wouldn't let this fight again. I don't feel closure in my heart and I feel very hurt and betrayed, & I don't know if I'm going to be able to get past it. Am I overreacting? Is it okay for men to leave you and get their space and not communicate with you at all? Especially now that I want things to be ok with us and we're happy again, I don't want to lose my grounding and respect for myself & the image that I want my daughter to have in her life.

 

Well, if this is a habit for him and you are trying to stick it out, it's best not to chase him by calling and texting. It likely delays the process for him. In other words, he might come back the next night, if you aren't trying to PULL him back in.

 

That being said, depending on how the fight goes in terms of escalating -- name calling, bringing up old issues and not focusing on current issue, etc., taking a step back is not entirely a bad thing. He should, however, say, hey, this is getting out of control for me, let's circle back on this when we are calm. You can/should do that too if he doesn't.

 

Fighting in a relationship isn't usually the problem, it's the way the couple fights that causes the real problem. You two may want to analyze that aspect for yourselves.

 

It's been three years, if he is not willing to work on this issue, you might need to move on.

[Downtown]

Beloved, the behaviors you describe are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the verbal and physical abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, low empathy, and always being "The Victim" are classic red flags for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

He's been physically abusive with me before.

How serious were the instances of his physically abusing you? I ask because the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with a personality disorder, particularly BPD. Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

If your BF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I feel completely screwed.... I'm so broken.

If you've actually been living with a BPDer for nearly two years, consider yourself lucky if you're only feeling "screwed" and "broken." It is common for the abused partners of BPDers to feel like they are going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I know in his heart he loves me deeply.

If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he likely does love you very much and very passionately. Yet, because his emotional maturity likely is frozen at the level of a four year old, his love is so immature that it falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

We love each other madly, and then hate each other...and it get's ugly.

His rapid flip between adoring you and hating you is called "black-white thinking." If he is a BPDer, he is not sufficiently mature to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., loving you and hating you simultaneously). He therefore "splits off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., his love for you), putting it entirely out of reach of his conscious mind. In this way, a BPDer only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

This "black-white thinking" is one of the hallmarks of BPDer behavior. It is particularly evident in the way a BPDer will categorize other people as "all good" or "all bad." And He will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

Communicating is something he DOES NOT DO.

If communication were his primary problem, you likely could mend your relationship by seeing a MC. Marriage counselors generally are very good at teaching basic communication skills. Yet, if your BF has strong and persistent BPD traits, MC likely would be a total waste of time until he has first had several years of intensive therapy to address his more serious underlying issues.

 

Then he leaves, and turns the tables saying he needs his space and doesn't come home.

If he is a BPDer, he sometimes will have a powerful need to have "his space" and, at other times, will have an equally powerful need to be close to you. This alternating need for "space" and "closeness" results in a push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle that is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. This unending roller coaster ride arises from the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

 

Significantly, those two fears lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situations -- no matter what you do -- because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you unavoidably are drawing closer to triggering the other fear.

 

For example, when you have a very intimate evening or great weekend together, you would find him -- the next morning -- creating an argument out of thin air to push you away. For him, the intimacy is experienced as suffocating and engulfing, making him feel as though he is losing his identity by merging into your strong personality. It is a frightening experience in which he feels he is vanishing into thin air. He therefore will feel that you are somehow "controlling" and dominating him (never mind that he is the controlling one).

 

On the other hand, as you back way to give him breathing room, you will eventually trigger his great fear of abandonment. It may take days or weeks for that to occur but it likely will occur. At that point, he will return and start love bombing you, i.e., behaving extra caring and sweet to pull you back into the relationship.

 

He makes me feel weak, and worthless.

No. There is no man who has that kind of power over you. He cannot "make you" feel anything. Rather, you are in control of your own feelings. Of course, recognizing this is very GOOD NEWS because it means you can get out of this mess by taking responsibility for your own actions and feelings.

 

I AM SO DAMN WEAK.

No, not if you've been living with a BPDer for nearly two years. It usually takes a very strong person to accomplish that -- i.e., being a parent to three immature individuals: your young daughter, your BF's son, and your very immature BF. If he is a BPDer, your problem likely is not being weak but, rather, being an excessive caregiver. I therefore suggest you read Shari Schreiber's blog article, Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?. Schreiber describes how we excessive caregivers are trained to be this way during our childhoods. Our problem is not that we want to help others but, rather, that we keep doing so even when it is to our great detriment -- and even when our enabling behavior is not really helpful.

 

I can't tell you how many articles I read to help me just LEAVE.... He gets emotional and breaks down to me.

If he is a BPDer, you don't have a partner/partner relationship. Because he is so emotionally immature, you really have a parent/child relationship -- with you being the parent. It is very easy -- particularly for us caregivers -- to become trapped in such a relationship because BPDers exhibit a purity of expression and warmth that otherwise is only seen in young children. This childlike nature -- which is so apparent in the vulnerability they project -- makes it very easy for us to fall in love with them. Likewise, it makes it very very painful for us to walk away. It feels like we are abandoning a young child -- or a sick loved one.

 

What do I do?

My advice, given your reluctance to leave your BF, is that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance. It also may help you avoid running into the arms of another man just like the one you are leaving. Take care, Beloved.

[loveandbeloved]

I think she should first call his bluff and close the door on his petulant childish behaviour and sense of entitlement.

 

If - and only if - he is contrite, and asks her to come back, and states he would do anything to prove his love for her - only THEN - should the OP make getting therapy a condition of a return.

 

And he needs to make a series of appointments, and start, before a reconciliation is effected.

 

Only then - should she consider the possibility of doing joint counselling.

If that's truly what she feels is the most favourable option.

But first things first.

 

Thanks guys. Your all totally right. I feel like a total worthless loser with no backbone, that's why I have this overwhelming feeling to take some sort of action and not just pretend everything is okay. I really appreciate both your insight on us going to counseling, I think that will be good for us and it is something I want to do. I already told him this isn't acceptable and I won't stand for it, which is obviously he doesn't believe more than I do. What would I tell him beyond what I already have? That he thinks I'm just gonna stay and not keep my word and that's why he doesn't come back? Should I tell him to go stay at his brothers for a while so I can think about things because it's not okay that he pulled this again and doubts my seriousness? I don't want to go from being happy to creating an issue by kicking him out, but I need to do something to set my ground with him and I refuse to let this just play out like nothing happened. Yes, counseling we can address this and hopefully fix this but I feel like I need to do something more.. personally. And his family SHOULD NOTE CONDONE this but my god, they are waiting there with open arms for him to come home and "get space" so he doesn't do something stupid. God I just don't know. I hate that he does this to me. That he can love me so deeply it moves him when he talks to me, but can abandon me the next. I need to do something. Thanks for your advice guys. What's the next step from here?

[smackie9]

bumpy road=shouldn't be together.

 

Next step, end it and move on. He is the way he is and his behavior will never change.

[loveandbeloved]

I think she should first call his bluff and close the door on his petulant childish behaviour and sense of entitlement.

 

If - and only if - he is contrite, and asks her to come back, and states he would do anything to prove his love for her - only THEN - should the OP make getting therapy a condition of a return.

 

And he needs to make a series of appointments, and start, before a reconciliation is effected.

 

Only then - should she consider the possibility of doing joint counselling.

If that's truly what she feels is the most favourable option.

But first things first.

 

Regarding calling his bluff, because this is exactly what I want to do! I can't just go and stay somewhere else because I work full time and have a very good job here. Thats why it's hard because I was in California with my family it'd be a piece of cake but it's so complicated.

[soph-walker]

Don't stand for it. Focus on you and your daughter.

 

My ex behaved the exact same way, it made me feel like I was in a parent/child relationship.

 

You deserve a man who is able to discuss things as an adult and not stick his head in the sand.

[ExpatInItaly]

I take this is the same abusive jerk from your previous thread? The one who has apparently kicked you in the face so hard it left a scar?

 

Same advice - leave him immediately before he puts you or your daughter in the hospital.

 

Don't expose yourself or your child to this emotional and physical violence for one more second.

[katiegrl]

Same advice - leave him immediately before he puts you or your daughter in the hospital.

 

Or throws acid in your face leaving you scarred permanently....or dead.

 

Yes, that has happened.... google it.

[smackie9]

You have a good job? that means you can afford to find a new place to live.

 

Arizona sucks ballz, move back to cali.