Is this the dreaded 'friendzone' or not, baffling!

[dinzsant]

This girl I know, she is a flatmate, so this makes the situation a bit difficult.

But she is very confusing.

I obviously like her, and I'm just completely confused as to her feelings....I think there has been mixed messages.

 

She asked me to massage her (clothes) on, rub my hand through her hair. But she didn't really give me an opening to go for a kiss, I feel.

She also said "You are single, I am single...so why not" or words like that.

When I talked about my ex, she said "What has she got that I haven't"

She regularly calls me handsome, touches me, etc

And asks about other girls I know (this could be a negative)

 

However, not all is rosy!

She has mentioned to me a few times she likes dark-haired guys (I'm light haired), and once she asked a favour and i said "sure, if you give me a kiss" she replied "what type of kiss?" - I said "the good type".... so she never showed up when I was going to do her the favour (and hopefully get a kiss!). Also my friend mentioned I liked her and her response was "we are just flatmates".

I have done her a lot of favours. except two (one was big), I have offered all.

She has touched me but never really put her head close to me, or touched in a way I felt there was a clear green signal (like other girls I have been with)

And she hasn't exactly done me many favours or returned my favours. Sometimes even forgetting to say thanks.

 

please thoughts on this!

[Maxtor]

The ultimate advice:

 

If you like her, try to kiss her.

 

End of story.

 

If you get rejected, let her go. Dont be a douche.

[BrocasHelm]

Dude, I had an eerily similar experience not too long ago. A girl I barely knew would act super friendly with me and say she missed me even though to me she was barely more than an acquaintance, so I started to talk to her and then, exact same thing, the massages, the flirty talk, the not coming in closer for the kiss and the "not sure if we're just being friends here", everything, it was so confusing! So yeah, I tried to kiss her, she said no, and actually I felt incredibly relieved because, of course it sucked that she said no, but at least the situation was clear! So make a move and see what happens!

[soph-walker]

You're considering being romantically involved with a flatmate?!

 

Helll no, you don't sh*t where you eat...

 

Either move out and pursue things, or move on from her!

[jen1447]

No mystery at all - it's the dreaded friendzone. But not just normal friendzone, it's deliberate friendzone.

 

Some guys just kinda fall into the friendzone and the girls keep them there bc they don't entirely know what to do with them. This girl knows full well, if what you say is true. She's pushing your buttons and pulling back, etc., etc. Tying you in a knot.

 

No offense but you're not helping yourself acting like her little b**ch running around doing favors and only having balls enough to try to bribe kisses out of her. There's nothing there for you so just have some self-respect and go.

[dinzsant]

No mystery at all - it's the dreaded friendzone. But not just normal friendzone, it's deliberate friendzone.

 

Some guys just kinda fall into the friendzone and the girls keep them there bc they don't entirely know what to do with them. This girl knows full well, if what you say is true. She's pushing your buttons and pulling back, etc., etc. Tying you in a knot.

 

No offense but you're not helping yourself acting like her little b**ch running around doing favors and only having balls enough to try to bribe kisses out of her. There's nothing there for you so just have some self-respect and go.

 

Thanks for all answers!!

How is best to behave around this girl? I feel like blasting her, but it is equally my fault for allowing it to happen.

 

For instance, when she asks to borrow my gym card (so she can save $10!) should I politely decline? Ignore her when she is around?

 

Im in the same house, so dont want any drama, but I dont want her thinking she can twist me her around her finger anymore.

[dinzsant]

Dude, I had an eerily similar experience not too long ago. A girl I barely knew would act super friendly with me and say she missed me even though to me she was barely more than an acquaintance, so I started to talk to her and then, exact same thing, the massages, the flirty talk, the not coming in closer for the kiss and the "not sure if we're just being friends here", everything, it was so confusing! So yeah, I tried to kiss her, she said no, and actually I felt incredibly relieved because, of course it sucked that she said no, but at least the situation was clear! So make a move and see what happens!

 

Glad you made the move!! well done

 

I just think "what sort of woman allows you to massage them all over if they have no romantic interest in you"?!?!? ridiculous behaviour!

[thecrucible]

I just think "what sort of woman allows you to massage them all over if they have no romantic interest in you"?!?!? ridiculous behaviour!

 

I know it seems counter intuitive but it's a lot easier to be overly flirtatious with a guy when you don't like him that much. Obviously I try to avoid that but I have to admit that flirting is easy when you know nothing is at stake for you. I think some people just want the attention and others just like to feel wanted by someone or to have a bit of flirtation without it having to lead to anything.

 

But I don't want to assume because I don't know this girl. The way to make it clear is to make a move and see how she reacts (although as you said, she hasn't really given you a green light).

 

Also I agree with an earlier post that you should definitely not pine over her and do too many favours. Just treat her like anyone else. Also she is your flatmate so it's probably best for you to forget about it in case of resulting awkwardness.

[dinzsant]

I know it seems counter intuitive but it's a lot easier to be overly flirtatious with a guy when you don't like him that much. Obviously I try to avoid that but I have to admit that flirting is easy when you know nothing is at stake for you. I think some people just want the attention and others just like to feel wanted by someone or to have a bit of flirtation without it having to lead to anything.

 

But I don't want to assume because I don't know this girl. The way to make it clear is to make a move and see how she reacts (although as you said, she hasn't really given you a green light).

 

Also I agree with an earlier post that you should definitely not pine over her and do too many favours. Just treat her like anyone else. Also she is your flatmate so it's probably best for you to forget about it in case of resulting awkwardness.

 

Ofcourse, I understand, and men do the same..... no one is perfect.

It's just the massages.... I mean, the flirtatious comments are not too bad, but allowing me in her darkened room to massage her whole body with just us two there..... I think it's a bit much unless there is genuine romantic interest.

 

I don't know, maybe if I would have went for the kiss I would have got one. But almost every other girl I have been with in the past kinda make it easier.... put their head close to mine, gaze in my eyes..... then I KNOW they want it. she did none of that, except lay down and enjoy the massage. and then ask me to run my hands through her hair!!

 

Wouldn't she have thought she is putting me in a position to make a move on her, and think she likes me??

 

Thanks for your comments!

[BrocasHelm]

Ofcourse, I understand, and men do the same..... no one is perfect.

It's just the massages.... I mean, the flirtatious comments are not too bad, but allowing me in her darkened room to massage her whole body with just us two there..... I think it's a bit much unless there is genuine romantic interest.

 

I don't know, maybe if I would have went for the kiss I would have got one. But almost every other girl I have been with in the past kinda make it easier.... put their head close to mine, gaze in my eyes..... then I KNOW they want it. she did none of that, except lay down and enjoy the massage. and then ask me to run my hands through her hair!!

 

Wouldn't she have thought she is putting me in a position to make a move on her, and think she likes me??

 

Thanks for your comments!

 

I don't know her so it's just speculations, but if she's anywhere near the girl from my experience, then... attention seeker. Just like jen said. What you can do is make a move, if she says no, just say it's okay and act like you don't care, even if you might care for a few days, after all rejection is never fun, but after a while of acting like this you will genuinely stop caring. If she's a friend worth keeping, your friendship will resume like normal, with both of you now aware that nothing will happen. If she grows cold on you and can't get over it, then she's immature as she should realize it was normal for you to try considering her behavior. And if she still tries to flirt with you like before, then feel free to call her out on her BS and reject her. That'll teach her.

[soph-walker]

I do agree with what people are saying about being friend zoned, her behaviour is immature.

 

But I still don't think it's wise to get involved with someone you live with.

 

I saw it time and time again at uni, flat mates getting involved with each other and when things went sour, having to see the person bring dates home or whatnot caused huge arguments and dischord, not only between the 2 parties, but the rest of the house.

[jen1447]

Thanks for all answers!!

How is best to behave around this girl? I feel like blasting her, but it is equally my fault for allowing it to happen.

 

For instance, when she asks to borrow my gym card (so she can save $10!) should I politely decline? Ignore her when she is around?

 

Im in the same house, so dont want any drama, but I dont want her thinking she can twist me her around her finger anymore.

 

Just keep her at arms length. You don't have to be an a-hole to do that, just avoid all the tempting ins she tosses your way and be uninterested. Without that there's not a lot of reason to interact, right?

 

Gym card - good naturedly say "what do I look like, the ATM?" Laugh and smile, wink, whatever. But then don't give her your gym card. If she pushes it then herself she'll look like the sappy one, not you.

 

btw don't try any 'moves' - that's not gonna happen for you and you don't have a leg to stand on hoping it will. You're zoned, and zoned guys don't get laid. Playing around w/that as a possibility only suits her to keep you as her loyal servant. Don't be that guy. Grow a pair of balls and cut the cord and go look elsewhere.

[truth_seeker]

This girl is messing with you. She wants your attention but really doesn't want you. I would tell her to go screw. Give her the cold shoulder.

[solway86]

My perspective on this is a bit different.

 

"Friend zone" may be a temporary thing. OK, so they may not want to date you in the next week, month, year, whatever.

 

However, in 5-10 years, after other life issues, college, university, work etc. you may meet them again in another sphere of life, for example, a local event, a food festival etc., and their opinions could have changed. It does happen.

 

The girl who didn't like you romantically at 16 or 18 could like you at 29 or 30, it happens.

 

At 21-22 years old I couldn't tell if girls liked me or not, was too into my other things, webdesign etc. but it was me who mostly ended up "friendzoning" them due to lack of understanding of romantic relationships.

[introverted1]

This girl is messing with you. She wants your attention but really doesn't want you. I would tell her to go screw. Give her the cold shoulder.

 

This.

 

She wants your favors and your gym card and she'll give you just enough hope so you keep delivering, but she has no intention of being anything more than your flat mate. I'm not sure you can even say you've been friend-zoned because she doesn't even act like a friend.

[smackie9]

Dude when the signals seem "confusing" that because there are not any.

[dinzsant]

what a fool I have been!

 

but she complimented me so much, and kept saying stuff like "You are single, I am single" etc etc

 

She even asked me "What do you tolerate in a relationship?" "How faithful are you" She knew I have other girls interested.

 

And once she was on the phone for 20 mins when I was kinda waiting to talk to her (she gave me a lift to the city- not a favour, she had to go anyway!), and she apologised by rubbing my leg in a very flirtatious way.

 

With all these behaviours, How could I have seen her true feelings, that she was just playing me???

 

Also, it's so hard for me to be cold to someone, is there anyway i can do this in a friendly way.....kinda like "Hey, whatever, I don't care about you, but I'm not upset"???

 

Many thanks again for all the replies, it helps a lot!

I would have still been being her stooge otherwise!

[BrocasHelm]

Well, well, you seem to be quite adamant on not playing her game anymore, the solution here is quite obvious: just keep acting like you usually do, be friendly and all, but reject each and every of her "flirting". If she rubs your leg, pull it away. If she asks for a massage, say you're too busy or make up an excuse. If she starts asking questions about relationships, stick to vague, one-or-two words answers. If she goes with the "You are single, I am single", drop a hint that you're interested in someone else. I'm sure she's gonna change when she sees her tricks aren't working anymore. Oh, and most importantly, shift your focus to girls who might actually be interested in you. Talk to other girls, go on dates, basically just live your own life and treat your roommate like she's a dude. No need to say anything, just do that. Either she's gonna understand and change her behavior, or she will get pissed and confront you, like "How come you're so cold to me?"

 

If that happens, just stay calm and friendly and say something like, you appreciate her as a friend and roommate, but there are plenty other girls out there whose flirting actually goes somewhere, and you want to focus on them.

[dinzsant]

Well, well, you seem to be quite adamant on not playing her game anymore, the solution here is quite obvious: just keep acting like you usually do, be friendly and all, but reject each and every of her "flirting". If she rubs your leg, pull it away. If she asks for a massage, say you're too busy or make up an excuse. If she starts asking questions about relationships, stick to vague, one-or-two words answers. If she goes with the "You are single, I am single", drop a hint that you're interested in someone else. I'm sure she's gonna change when she sees her tricks aren't working anymore. Oh, and most importantly, shift your focus to girls who might actually be interested in you. Talk to other girls, go on dates, basically just live your own life and treat your roommate like she's a dude. No need to say anything, just do that. Either she's gonna understand and change her behavior, or she will get pissed and confront you, like "How come you're so cold to me?"

 

If that happens, just stay calm and friendly and say something like, you appreciate her as a friend and roommate, but there are plenty other girls out there whose flirting actually goes somewhere, and you want to focus on them.

 

Thanks again. I just can't fathom why a girl would flirt so much, give so many signals that she is interested, speak so fake. For a few favours and ego propping, is it really worth it?!

I can only say that she appears to have very low self-esteem and is not assertive at all. The last couple of days I have barely spoke to her, and she looks a bit dejected, and stunned. I felt a bit sorry for her, yet didn't modify my 'colder' behaviour.

She used to constantly ask me how her new hair looked (being stupid, I said it was awesome etc), and once even said she felt she was ugly.

 

I will take your advice. Be pleasant with her, but no more accepting flirts or doing favours for her.

She came to my door and said "Are you angry with me?" I said I was busy. She asked again and I said "goodbye".

If she says it again I will say what you suggested i.e. " you appreciate her as a friend and roommate, but there are plenty other girls out there whose flirting actually goes somewhere, and you want to focus on them"

 

Thanks so much :-)

[BrocasHelm]

Hey, don't get too extreme if she didn't give you a reason for it, I mean you don't need to be cold and stuff, if she asks if you're angry, just say you're not. Show her you won't accept her flirting rather than telling outright. Let that simmer for a while, but keep being a pleasant roommate. You can say her hair looks awesome, as long as it doesn't go any further. Just think of it this way: if your sister asked you how her hair looks, what would you say? If your sister tried to flirt with you, how would you react? Well, act like she's your sister. Nothing more.

 

I can only say that she appears to have very low self-esteem and is not assertive at all.

 

As my mechanic said, there's your problem right here. She's so like the girl from my experience it's eerie. I'll tell you something I learned about girls with low self-esteem thanks to her: they live in the constant fear of rejection and the constant need for external validation. With men, it means they will flirt with anyone without intent, just to reassure themselves that they are attractive. Usually post a lot of selfies on Facebook or Instagram, have a ****load of followers, and a bunch of male "friends" (actually orbiters, but she will always act oblivious to that fact) who will constantly praise her and validate her. They're not necessarily bad people, to be friends with them you need to be aware of that behavior so you won't fall into the trap.

[dinzsant]

Hey, don't get too extreme if she didn't give you a reason for it, I mean you don't need to be cold and stuff, if she asks if you're angry, just say you're not. Show her you won't accept her flirting rather than telling outright. Let that simmer for a while, but keep being a pleasant roommate. You can say her hair looks awesome, as long as it doesn't go any further. Just think of it this way: if your sister asked you how her hair looks, what would you say? If your sister tried to flirt with you, how would you react? Well, act like she's your sister. Nothing more.

 

 

 

As my mechanic said, there's your problem right here. She's so like the girl from my experience it's eerie. I'll tell you something I learned about girls with low self-esteem thanks to her: they live in the constant fear of rejection and the constant need for external validation. With men, it means they will flirt with anyone without intent, just to reassure themselves that they are attractive. Usually post a lot of selfies on Facebook or Instagram, have a ****load of followers, and a bunch of male "friends" (actually orbiters, but she will always act oblivious to that fact) who will constantly praise her and validate her. They're not necessarily bad people, to be friends with them you need to be aware of that behavior so you won't fall into the trap.

 

What was the situation with your girl, and how did you deal with it?

cheers!

[BrocasHelm]

What happened was that she was a girl I barely knew, must've met her like 4 times before and it never lasted more than an hour, she's a friend of a friend, she added me on Facebook and we had one or two chats in a year, nothing more. I didn't think much of her as we were both busy with other relationships. Anyway, two months ago we started talking again after she made a comment on my new username on Facebook, so we joked a bit, then went on talking, we were really getting along, she said a few times that she couldn't wait to see me again, which I thought weird as we were virtually strangers, and as we were both singles I thought something could go on here.

 

I would've asked her out right then, but I was a thousand miles away at that time, so I told her I'd take her to dinner when I came home, which was a month later. So after a month of chatting and flirting and really getting along, I met her, we had a lovely night, but when I tried to kiss her she said we would only be friends. I was thinking, WTF, she was all flirty online and complimenting my looks and stuff, and suddenly this, but I just told her I didn't mind. We keep chatting, albeit way less than before, she said she felt weird after what happened, I replied something along the line of "well, I'm not. I was attracted to you, I think you figured this out before, I made my move, now I know where we stand and I don't care."

 

I never tried to make a move again, and honestly, even though I still find her attractive and like her as a friend, I realized she's no girlfriend material: self-esteem issues, posts a ton of pictures on Instagram, gets a lot of male attention but is only attracted to *******s who break her heart, once she told me about her (male) best friend and how he would sometimes get jealous when she talked about guys. I didn't tell her, but this guy isn't her best friend, he's the final boss of the friendzone. So I decided not to play this game, she invited me to her birthday party, I'll go because I promised and she's a friend, but I got my mind set on other girls now.

 

I live by this rule: every girl I like gets one shot. If I make a move and they reject me, I move on to the next one. If I'm friendly with the girl we can still be friends, but I lose all romantic expectations and interest. Life is way simpler that way, you don't waste your time on the wrong girls.

[dinzsant]

What happened was that she was a girl I barely knew, must've met her like 4 times before and it never lasted more than an hour, she's a friend of a friend, she added me on Facebook and we had one or two chats in a year, nothing more. I didn't think much of her as we were both busy with other relationships. Anyway, two months ago we started talking again after she made a comment on my new username on Facebook, so we joked a bit, then went on talking, we were really getting along, she said a few times that she couldn't wait to see me again, which I thought weird as we were virtually strangers, and as we were both singles I thought something could go on here.

 

I would've asked her out right then, but I was a thousand miles away at that time, so I told her I'd take her to dinner when I came home, which was a month later. So after a month of chatting and flirting and really getting along, I met her, we had a lovely night, but when I tried to kiss her she said we would only be friends. I was thinking, WTF, she was all flirty online and complimenting my looks and stuff, and suddenly this, but I just told her I didn't mind. We keep chatting, albeit way less than before, she said she felt weird after what happened, I replied something along the line of "well, I'm not. I was attracted to you, I think you figured this out before, I made my move, now I know where we stand and I don't care."

 

I never tried to make a move again, and honestly, even though I still find her attractive and like her as a friend, I realized she's no girlfriend material: self-esteem issues, posts a ton of pictures on Instagram, gets a lot of male attention but is only attracted to *******s who break her heart, once she told me about her (male) best friend and how he would sometimes get jealous when she talked about guys. I didn't tell her, but this guy isn't her best friend, he's the final boss of the friendzone. So I decided not to play this game, she invited me to her birthday party, I'll go because I promised and she's a friend, but I got my mind set on other girls now.

 

I live by this rule: every girl I like gets one shot. If I make a move and they reject me, I move on to the next one. If I'm friendly with the girl we can still be friends, but I lose all romantic expectations and interest. Life is way simpler that way, you don't waste your time on the wrong girls.

 

More strange female behaviour. I mean the whole "she couldn't wait to see me again"..... what honestly would she be thinking when uttering that?

 

what did you mean about the guy being the "final boss of the friendzone"

 

you know the way to get this girl? turn into an a**hole (which I know you don't want to do)

 

your rule is spot on.

 

does she still try the flirting with you but now??

[BrocasHelm]

Well, about her best guy friend, she's always about "my best friend did this, my best friend did that for me, my best friend gets pissed when I talk about other guys". That's obviously not best friend behavior, he's expecting more, I dunno if she's aware of that, I think she is because come on, could anyone be that oblivious? I didn't tell her that, none of my business, but if she comes to ask, she can expect a straight answer. She's not flirty anymore, I guess she understood I was taking it seriously when she wasn't, so she stopped. All the better.

 

Anyway, I decided I'd never be like that with any girl, so when I feel something, I try, if failed, I move on. No drama, nothing. I don't want to get this girl anymore, because imagine if she changed her mind, would I really want to have a relationship with a girl who doesn't know what she wants? No. So I just go on living my life, talking to other girls, I don't know where it's going, is it gonna work? If it is, perfect, if it isn't, meh. Next?

[Hughes101]

This girl I know, she is a flatmate, so this makes the situation a bit difficult.

But she is very confusing.

I obviously like her, and I'm just completely confused as to her feelings....I think there has been mixed messages.

 

She asked me to massage her (clothes) on, rub my hand through her hair. But she didn't really give me an opening to go for a kiss, I feel.

She also said "You are single, I am single...so why not" or words like that.

When I talked about my ex, she said "What has she got that I haven't"

She regularly calls me handsome, touches me, etc

And asks about other girls I know (this could be a negative)

 

However, not all is rosy!

She has mentioned to me a few times she likes dark-haired guys (I'm light haired), and once she asked a favour and i said "sure, if you give me a kiss" she replied "what type of kiss?" - I said "the good type".... so she never showed up when I was going to do her the favour (and hopefully get a kiss!). Also my friend mentioned I liked her and her response was "we are just flatmates".

I have done her a lot of favours. except two (one was big), I have offered all.

She has touched me but never really put her head close to me, or touched in a way I felt there was a clear green signal (like other girls I have been with)

And she hasn't exactly done me many favours or returned my favours. Sometimes even forgetting to say thanks.

 

please thoughts on this!

 

Dont do any more favours for her.

 

Next time the massage opportunity comes up.. start massaging her in sensual places! If she objects.. just tell her she doesn't seem sure about all this, and start putting your shoes on because you've got a date and heading out the front door.

 

"Ok but when you get back maybe..." slam the front door on your way out.

 

She'll learn that you're not there to be taunted. She either wants you or not