Author toffeecream77 Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 Well, I totally understand the feeling of being ignored since I have been there - only once in my life too in an extreme manner - and yes it is quite a sick feeling. I do think he cared though, as evidenced by your initial post, and how he acted with the message by showing you and trying to get you to see the positives and telling his friend good things about you and then becoming upset when you ended it. That, to me, is telling in the fact that he definitely cared. I think he's trying to convey that he doesn't care right now and/or he's one of those who are excellent at compartmentalizing and was able to just push it back far in his mind to avoid dealing with it. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. That is not to say that his isn't hurtful to you, given that your coping mechanism clearly differs from his. However, I truly don't think he doesn't care. I think he's just miffed that you ended it with him so he feels he doesn't owe you any further discussion and is just pushing it out of his mind for now. I do think people can be cold in the end, even if they cared, but it makes it feel, to the person on the receiving end, that they didn't. And yes, that is an awful thing to convey through silence. I'm sorry you've experienced this kind of behaviour dyna85. It's so unpleasant! Yes, he did care. But not enough to want to go back or even have a civil conversation so we didn't have to leave it with those awful texts. If I had done something really horrendous to him, I'd understand. But I've been trying to say sorry, to make the effort. Normal people would respond. Anyway, he has somebody else to concentrate on now. I just hope he doesn't come back after that doesn't work out. And I hope that heavy bag by his front door will make his heart sink, that I went all that way, to an empty house, when he could have just said no. How can somebody let something like this get to them so much, they can't accept somebody's apology? This is just crazy!
salparadise Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Because he's a juvenile, petulant, temperamental spoilt little brat, and trust me, when I tell you this - trust me please: He's the biggest idiot he will ever know, and he's stuck with himself for good. You knew him for a relatively brief time, and you my dear, have dodged a bullet. Him? He creates his own misery and will never be happy for as long as he does. You don't have to live with the loser-jerk. He does. And that will forever be his punishment. he will wake up every morning knowing, deep down, that the greatest spanner in the works, insofar as his happiness is concerned, is him. Tara, how did you become so... Buddha like? 1
dyna85 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 How can somebody let something like this get to them so much, they can't accept somebody's apology? This is just crazy! I definitely wonder the same thing, a lot. Lol. I don't understand either. I guess because I'm so quick to accept an apology though because I hate unresolved conflict. It's quite annoying when people dig their heels in and are so stubborn and unwilling to bend even a little bit. However, he may be passive-aggressively trying to punish you by ignoring you. Trying to hurt you since you hurt him kinda thing. Or he's just brushing it off and feeling all high on having the 'upper hand' since you contacted him. It's all a defense mechanism.
Been Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Sorry your going through that. Had almost the same thing happen but was assured by my girlfriend at the time it wasn't a big deal and that I was being paranoid. A month or so latter I got dumped and she went back to her ex. You made the right decision. He's mad cause he got caught.
Hls923 Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Because he's a juvenile, petulant, temperamental spoilt little brat, and trust me, when I tell you this - trust me please: He's the biggest idiot he will ever know, and he's stuck with himself for good. You knew him for a relatively brief time, and you my dear, have dodged a bullet. Him? He creates his own misery and will never be happy for as long as he does. You don't have to live with the loser-jerk. He does. And that will forever be his punishment. he will wake up every morning knowing, deep down, that the greatest spanner in the works, insofar as his happiness is concerned, is him. I know it wasn't meant for me, but this post smacked me right upside the head---I needed to read this tonight!!!! This is my ex in a nutshell!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
salparadise Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I know it wasn't meant for me, but this post smacked me right upside the head---I needed to read this tonight!!!! This is my ex in a nutshell!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Generic misandrist vitriol. We need an automated button to generate that stuff too... in addition to kick him to the curb recommendations.
BlueIris Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Generic misandrist vitriol. We need an automated button to generate that stuff too... in addition to kick him to the curb recommendations. How? It wasn't about gender at all. It was about personality. Take off your own gender-bias glasses. 2
losangelena Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 How? It wasn't about gender at all. It was about personality. Take off your own gender-bias glasses. Seriously. Do you know how many times on this site I've read phrases like, "you women need to," and "all women," etc.? Pfffft. The sweeping gender generalizations go both ways all the time.
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I'm sorry you've experienced this kind of behaviour dyna85. It's so unpleasant! Yes, he did care. But not enough to want to go back or even have a civil conversation so we didn't have to leave it with those awful texts. If I had done something really horrendous to him, I'd understand. But I've been trying to say sorry, to make the effort. Normal people would respond. Anyway, he has somebody else to concentrate on now. I just hope he doesn't come back after that doesn't work out. And I hope that heavy bag by his front door will make his heart sink, that I went all that way, to an empty house, when he could have just said no. How can somebody let something like this get to them so much, they can't accept somebody's apology? This is just crazy! TOFFEE, Sorry you ended up like this. You tried and made an effort and that's all you can do. I'm not going to suggest to hate him, think of him as a jerk, looser, brat, etc. Sure, he didn't handle the ending well, and could have done a better job. If he were those things if wouldn't have lasted 6 months. Yes, he cared, but apparently not enough in the end to offer you some closure. Remember the good time for what they, and cherish the memories.... but, over time you will want the emotion and love behind you and that's part of getting over loosing a loved one. And, a lot of us have been there under very similar situations (me too), and it hurts. Now it's time for recovery (and you will) and getting on with your life. You'll get back into meeting men and find love again. Good luck.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 So today is a new day. I'm not feeling so silly or foolish anymore. In fact, I feel strong and decent. And I feel that my initial decision was indeed correct. I found that out in a more hurtful way than perhaps was necessary. Still no news from him. No note to say thank you for his things. No nothing. Complete silence. I'm even wondering if he is alive....such behaviour is so unusual, in my world anyway. If he is alive, then as a poster suggested, poor him. What an awful way to be. It's not like I cheated on him, or killed his mother, or stole money from him. All that happened was I was upset that he was thinking about another women. I told him, very respectfully, that I couldn't deal with that. I've tried reaching out very nicely, to say sorry, to say let's talk about things, I even returned his things made that journey. It was only 6 months. He's not heartbroken. So why is this all too difficult for him? I was willing to forgive and forget the insults and lies he threw my way. Why couldn't he do the same for me acting on impulse because I was hurt? I won't dwell on it too much, but I'd love an answer. I can only think it's because he reacted badly to the break up, and now doesn't care and simply wants to see where things can go with the other woman. He doesn't see the need to give me the decency of a reply. Perhaps these are all clues as to why he's never had a long term relationship, despite being aged 40. Good luck to him. 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) He replied. "I will think about it this evening." No 'thanks for dropping off my things' or anything. No 'sorry you came all the way to my house" or "I have been quiet, I know" - nothing. Edited January 19, 2016 by toffeecream77
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 He replied. "I will think about it this evening." No 'thanks for dropping off my things' or anything. Toffee, Just see how it goes. You never know, there could be an explanation, however, sounds unlikely. Take it one step at a time. Don't throw yourself at him, but get your point across, should the time be appropriate. State your position... probably something like "we both made a few mistakes.... we can work on fixing this, or we can't. Would like to fix it, but not going to stand by and be second place" I would NOT get confrontation or argumentative. If things go that way, just say "sorry you feel that way". Maybe some others have suggestions. Again, people make mistakes, we all do, and I wish I could live over again some of mine. You certainly were not chronic with mistakes and sounds like you had a good relationship. However, the fact that he has had several failed and short relationships before, does throw up a red flag. Could be significant, but he could be at a point in his life where he looking for permanence. I went through exactly this, but unfortunately didn't work. You never know. Best to you... 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Thank you, OldRover. I've been so upset, I dont think can't handle him coming back with an email saying how he can't see me, doesn't want to be with me. It's been tooo much. And despite all my gestures, that's all he can write? Maybe he'll use his reply as an opportunity to kick me back down. I don't want to deal with that...
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Thank you, OldRover. I've been so upset, I dont think can't handle him coming back with an email saying how he can't see me, doesn't want to be with me. It's been tooo much. And despite all my gestures, that's all he can write? Maybe he'll use his reply as an opportunity to kick me back down. I don't want to deal with that... Toffee, Agreed, you do not want to accept him kicking you down. IF you talk and it heads that way, just excuse yourself and tell him that if it's negative you're not interested. You're interested, but not begging. Hold your ground and keep your goals in mind. Listen if he calls, and try to understand his message. It may be over, and you should get a feel for that. Judging on his recent performance, it looks like it is. BUT, you never know, and your goal should be to bring this to and end so you can live your life, or open the door to reconcile. I don't think you want to be in limbo, and you don't deserve that. 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 It may be over, and you should get a feel for that. Judging on his recent performance, it looks like it is. Thanks for managing my expectations. If this is a deal breaker for him, then he wasn't worth keeping any way. I doubt many other woman would go to the length of going to his house in the dark and cold. Anyway, his loss, if I can't be forgiven for acting on impulse and hurt.
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Thanks for managing my expectations. If this is a deal breaker for him, then he wasn't worth keeping any way. I doubt many other woman would go to the length of going to his house in the dark and cold. Anyway, his loss, if I can't be forgiven for acting on impulse and hurt. Toffee, You sound like quite a catch... wish there were more ladies like you. Hope you get through this fine. I almost did something like you did, helping an ex that was hurt and couldn't move for a week or so. I would have been glad to do her shopping, deliver it, and just leave it for her... didn't need to see her, but I wanted to help because I still cared. When I mentioned it to my current GF, I got a hell of a beating (verbally) which I thought was not fair. But I did make some calls to be sure the ex was taken care of. Stupid, perhaps. But you got the job done delivering his stuff, and that was commendable and you had no clue of the outcome. But, it sure made a statement, and he should certainly appreciate that, and it should be mentioned by him. 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 Update: he sent a nice message a few hours later thanking me for his things, and saying he'd like to talk, if the offer was still available. I replied saying I could meet this evening or tomorrow, and he said tomorrow would be good, and asked where I would like to meet. Really difficult to say which way things will go, but he sounds like he's 'calmed down' now.
Toodaloo Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 How can somebody let something like this get to them so much, they can't accept somebody's apology? This is just crazy! Forgive me but why exactly are you apologising and why are you making such a massive thing out of this? Guy was indecisive, you called him out, he got dumped, time to move on. Keep it simple, keep it blunt and to the point and to be honest I really do not think you should go. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Update: he sent a nice message a few hours later thanking me for his things, and saying he'd like to talk, if the offer was still available. I replied saying I could meet this evening or tomorrow, and he said tomorrow would be good, and asked where I would like to meet. Really difficult to say which way things will go, but he sounds like he's 'calmed down' now. Sorry, but I think with everything that has been discussed in this thread, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Going back on previous decisions shows a weak temperament. Especially after everything he said to you. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're a bit of a boot-licker. I really hope not. Calmed down, eh? Until the next time? 1
marky00 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Didnt read the responses.. But you were very strong indeed. I think that would have shocked him immensely and definitely bruised his ego. I think you did the right thing because he was going to see that other girl regardless. But you raised your self-worth immensely and damaged his, so you put yourself in the best position possible. If he does come back, you will definitely be on top and calling all the shots. It must have been a hard thing to do but it sounds like it was the right thing to do.
central Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 No, no...right now, he wanted to see how things went with me. He was keeping the other girl as a back up. Didn't dismiss her entirely. Well, you threw him into her arms. If he was doing the normal thing of deciding who is the best match for him, and was leaning towards you (heck, you were just at the point of deciding to be bf/gf, so you were both free to consider others until that decision is made), then you just decided for him. I think you screwed up, badly, and how there is no chance of developing a relationship.
Toodaloo Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Sorry, but I think with everything that has been discussed in this thread, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Going back on previous decisions shows a weak temperament. Especially after everything he said to you. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're a bit of a boot-licker. I really hope not. Calmed down, eh? Until the next time? To put Taras words more simply. Blokes an ass. Quit bothering.
losangelena Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Update: he sent a nice message a few hours later thanking me for his things, and saying he'd like to talk, if the offer was still available. I replied saying I could meet this evening or tomorrow, and he said tomorrow would be good, and asked where I would like to meet. Really difficult to say which way things will go, but he sounds like he's 'calmed down' now. Well, I don't know which is worse, him accusing you of things you didn't do, or him ignoring you for a week. I wouldn't be cool with either of those behaviors, so yeah, I too am a bit dismayed that it sounds like you're hopeful. I'd be curious what he has to say for himself, but I hope he's coming to you at least.
Toodaloo Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 I think you screwed up, badly, and how there is no chance of developing a relationship. I don't think she did. You see a normal guy would say "My ex came back and its stirred things up for me. I just need a bit of space to work through that and move forward with you" What this guy said was "Oh my God your such a stalker and so insecure and look here is my phone now i have edited it and no you can't see anything and oh my God its all YOUR fault that my ex is back..." See the difference there? First guy deserves a shot. Second well he needs to go before he is shot. So I would say rather that shooting herself in the foot, she is well shot of him. Going to see him is only inviting drama and hysterics. She is better off just walking away.
central Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 People sometimes do stupid things, especially when they feel they are going to be judged unfairly. Doesn't mean they aren't basically good people. I think they both screwed up, but it's probably too late to fix, and too much drama to overcome.
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