Did I make the right decision?

January 18, 2016

Yes, but where is his apology? I was very respectful. Yet he insulted me, made up a lie about me texting another man etc. Shouldn't he be trying to convince me that I do not nee to hurt, because his msgs were innocent? It can't all be down to me. I've tried reaching out several times, yet he continues to ignore me.

toffeecream77;6738999,

You asked if you made a mistake and I gave you an opinion. Im not an expert, but I could see your actions as a mistake, and said so. I don't see him needing an apology. Yes, he has the right to share feelings with his buddy (some do, some don't and there's goods and bads to this, and it could backfire on him, unless it's a "real" buddy. I have a few that I share anything with, and it goes no where, but I get a perspective on my behavior, which is fine).

Now, if I were your BF, I'd certainly make a jester to re-establish a relationship, if there were ANY good reason to. If I were don't, there wouldn't be any contact.

Right now, do you REALLY KNOW where he stands? If you care, you owe it to yourself to REALLY find out. If you don't care, no point in your original question.

However, go for it, and let us know. We'll support whatever you decide.

January 18, 2016

If guys don't want us to be so predictable, they could up their manners, quit being childish and show some respect.

I have often advised counselling and talking, but when guys treat women with disdain and contempt, I don't care how many second chances they think they should get - that's not negotiable.

Tara,

It works both ways. It was a bit obvious that there was bit of poor manners on both sides. Who knows if the guy treated her with disdain and contempt.

If she cares, and asked the question if she did something wrong, what's wrong with pursuing it to find out exactly where he stands. Or should she just throw the towel in?

And MANY people (both men and women) make mistakes and hurt the one they love and care about. We do stupid things without thinking... we ALL do. This relationship has damage that's clearly fixable, if they want. the mistakes were minor and certainly "negotiable".

January 18, 2016

...And did you also miss the part where he began to insult her and make stuff up about her to blame-shift?
Real grown up, huh...?

I'm no judge. If I was misunderstood, i take responsibility for it. Maybe he was wrong about it, maybe she was wrong about many things. I didn't refer to any of it. I'm on her side. It's not a matter of who's right and who isn't...

It's a matter of - "How do you find worthy partners for long distance relationship?" It's very hard to find. I know for sure that if i had a gf who was monitoring my con with my best friend, and wants to go home, because she's upset, it would have been a red flag to me because it point 2 things about her:

1. Every time she's upset she pick first thing the separation choice. "I'm going home alone". Not to discuss, not to talk, be "to be alone". She's the one who was holding back.

2. Has a very questionable common sense about what's important and what's not, and willing to ruin everything because of her temporary ego.

She has the right to be upset (Although he was choosing her and only her). But to "go home alone" is waving a threat. Threats don't work in a relationship. If a woman would have threatened me like that, i would have called it off immediately.

If she shows that kind of judgement in the future, she might choose the wrong guy who will know how to trick her, how to say the right words, how to better hide things, and than after few years of marriage she will ask herself "How did he change so much?", without noticing that he didn't change at all, he has just stopped pretending.

January 18, 2016

Sorry, you're mistaken. He was keeping this other girl as an option in case we didn't work out. He didn't necessarily pick me for the long term. I don't want to be with a man who is thinking about other women, sorry. It's perfectly normal to have some attraction for others, but not old flames, especially those you find it difficult to part from.

I only read what you write here. Here is your quote:

"He kept telling me to focus on the positives in the message, how he likes me a lot, we spend all our time together, I've met his entire family etc."

This is his reaction to you anger. He wants to show you the good things. But you seems not to care.

another quote of you original post:

"Eventually he volunteered to show the messages. And it confirmed that he said that he thought about this girl, and it would be hard not to meet with her, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see how things go with me first".

Seems OK to me. He is into you, but he tells his friend that if it will not work with you, he might go to her as a second choice. You are his first choice.

You were the one who is facing out. not him.

January 18, 2016

I may regret this. On my way to his house. Have his things. Emailed to say I'm coming and maybe we can exchange sorry because we both said things we didn't mean. It's been over 4 hours, no reply. I'm heading there now, feel like an idiot. Him ignoring me is so extreme.

January 18, 2016

I may regret this. On my way to his house. Have his things. Emailed to say I'm coming and maybe we can exchange sorry because we both said things we didn't mean. It's been over 4 hours, no reply. I'm heading there now, feel like an idiot. Him ignoring me is so extreme.

Me and my wife say sometimes things that a stranger from the side could think we hate each other, because we both have "hot blood". I hope you will sort everything with him. He's ignoring you seems childish, he's probably feel hurt. You can test a relationship also by the way you handle a fight.

January 18, 2016

I arrived 30mins early, he wasn't at home. I called, he didn't pick up. So I emailed again to say I left his things by the door, was hoping to say sorry and see where things could go. I asked him to let me know if he wanted to talk over the coming days. That's it. Trying hard not to cry!

January 18, 2016

Listen,

He showed you the entire message. It's his fault. Don't go chasing him now. If he asked you to focus on the positive, then he needs to take his own advice. He wanted to convince you his thoughts were innocent. You didn't disrespect him. if he can't see the vulnerability in finding out that someone is contemplating putting you on the backburner for someone else he is thoughtless...and selfish.

Do you want thoughtless and selfish?

I think he got caught being indecisive. It's not the worst thing in the world. But, e could have said: I'm loving my time with you, I'm sorry if this message made you insecure.

Or

He could have did what he did. I think he has screwed up with you.

If he found you valuable (6 months is enough time to know this), AND YOU ARE VALUABLE. Then he would be chasing you. Don't you go and chase him. Put yourself FIRST.

January 18, 2016

Listen,
He showed you the entire message. It's his fault. Don't go chasing him now. If he asked you to focus on the positive, then he needs to take his own advice. He wanted to convince you his thoughts were innocent. You didn't disrespect him. if he can't see the vulnerability in finding out that someone is contemplating putting you on the backburner for someone else he is thoughtless...and selfish.

Do you want thoughtless and selfish?

I think he got caught being indecisive. It's not the worst thing in the world. But, e could have said: I'm loving my time with you, I'm sorry if this message made you insecure.

Or

He could have did what he did. I think he has screwed up with you.

If he found you valuable (6 months is enough time to know this), AND YOU ARE VALUABLE. Then he would be chasing you. Don't you go and chase him. Put yourself FIRST.

Agree to that!

January 18, 2016

Listen,
He showed you the entire message. It's his fault. Don't go chasing him now. If he asked you to focus on the positive, then he needs to take his own advice. He wanted to convince you his thoughts were innocent. You didn't disrespect him. if he can't see the vulnerability in finding out that someone is contemplating putting you on the backburner for someone else he is thoughtless...and selfish.

Do you want thoughtless and selfish?

I think he got caught being indecisive. It's not the worst thing in the world. But, e could have said: I'm loving my time with you, I'm sorry if this message made you insecure.

Or

He could have did what he did. I think he has screwed up with you.

If he found you valuable (6 months is enough time to know this), AND YOU ARE VALUABLE. Then he would be chasing you. Don't you go and chase him. Put yourself FIRST.

No, no, no. Finding fault, blaming, needing to be right, investment in pride and ego are the problems... not the solution.

The way to live in harmony is for both people to own their part and not dig in their heels. The only way any situation like this ever gets to reconciliation is by allowing the other person to save face. Otherwise all you have left is a defeated enemy, and that's not what you want at all.

January 18, 2016

I've accepted I will never hear from this man again. It's not his ego, it's not because he's hurt. It's because this was an easy way out for him. He was indecisive and wasn't that invested or into me - despite him asking me to be his gf, spending every free minute together for months etc. It wasn't me being hurt, breaking up with him or anything like that. This was just an easy way out for him. I'm hurting so much, still. He knew I was going to be at his house, how long it take me etc, and yet he still let me travel all that way, ignore me etc. It's beyond my understanding, it really is.

January 18, 2016

No, no, no. Finding fault, blaming, needing to be right, investment in pride and ego are the problems... not the solution.

The way to live in harmony is for both people to own their part and not dig in their heels. The only way any situation like this ever gets to reconciliation is by allowing the other person to save face. Otherwise all you have left is a defeated enemy, and that's not what you want at all.

I see your point, but it does not apply to this guy. This was no misunderstanding. It was indecisiveness. And when she gave him the opportunity to save face, he blew her off.

I think he is being careless with her heart. It's very hurtful. And my guess is he will be back around once she moves on with her life.

January 18, 2016

I have a "policy" about justifying breakups - If you felt it was the right thing and it's what you wanted, then it was the right thing. Period.

I say this only because you need to own your decision and be at peace with it.

Objectively, does his behavior constitute a breakup and not "petty". Yeah. When you tried to approach him on your concerns he turned it around and blamed you for being gross.

But I go back to my first statement, you made the right choice because it is what you felt was the right choice. So don't call this guy. Any lingering money issues, do so by email so you have something in writing and make it all business.

January 18, 2016

I have a "policy" about justifying breakups - If you felt it was the right thing and it's what you wanted, then it was the right thing. Period.

I say this only because you need to own your decision and be at peace with it.

Objectively, does his behavior constitute a breakup and not "petty". Yeah. When you tried to approach him on your concerns he turned it around and blamed you for being gross.

But I go back to my first statement, you made the right choice because it is what you felt was the right choice. So don't call this guy. Any lingering money issues, do so by email so you have something in writing and make it all business.

Well, I think I definitely made the right decision! Thanks.

He was quick to ask for his things back, and for me to transfer the money. He said he'd be touch the following day with his bank details. But never heard from him again. Poof. He disappeared.

January 18, 2016

And my guess is he will be back around once she moves on with her life.

Or when it doesn't work out with this other woman. I'm in no doubt he'll be pursuing her. A 40 year old man, with a 27 year old. It can work. But it won't. The man hasn't had a single, serious long term relationship in his life. More fool me for thinking I'd be different. He really made himself out to want something long term, something serious. Ah well. He's done this to countless women, I'm sure I'm not the first and I certainly won't be the last.

January 18, 2016

Toffeecream, I think what happened was meant to happen.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and analyzing things later may lead you to second guess yourself, but cupcakebunny is right. If you felt it was right at the time, it was the right thing for you at the time.

We can only act based on what knowledge we have at the time.

Maybe things were meant to fall apart with this guy for better things to fall together in the future for you.

January 18, 2016

Always put yourself first. I am having to learn that as well.

January 18, 2016

Now I feel like such a fool.

January 18, 2016

Why do you feel like a fool? He wanted his stuff back and you returned it. You also took the higher road by wanting to work through the conflict. If he wants to continue to dig his heels in, so be it. It's his loss.

You want someone who understands you and is willing to work through conflict, and if he's being uncommunicative, what more can you do?

January 18, 2016

Why do you feel like a fool? He wanted his stuff back and you returned it. You also took the higher road by wanting to work through the conflict. If he wants to continue to dig his heels in, so be it. It's his loss.

You want someone who understands you and is willing to work through conflict, and if he's being uncommunicative, what more can you do?

Because he cut me out. Because he knew I was going to take that long, cold, dark journey and he let me. Because he's seen my messages and calls, and ignored me.

January 18, 2016

Because he cut me out. Because he knew I was going to take that long, cold, dark journey and he let me. Because he's seen my messages and calls, and ignored me.

Well screw him. He'll eventually realize his mistake. And if he doesn't, you should feel bad for him.

He's also really pissed off from the sound of it and hurt, given that he kind of lashed out at you, so it sounds like he's sulking and maybe it's his form of retaliation. Either way, you did the right thing by returning his stuff early on so you're done with that piece of it and don't have to be concerned with that anymore. You needed to do that anyway right?

I know you're hurting deeply at the moment, but as an outsider, it seems like he's probably peeved and getting a high out of ignoring someone who called it quits with him, and his refusal to answer you gives him a sense of some redemption/power.

Too bad for him. His loss.

January 18, 2016

Because he cut me out. Because he knew I was going to take that long, cold, dark journey and he let me. Because he's seen my messages and calls, and ignored me.

Because he's a juvenile, petulant, temperamental spoilt little brat, and trust me, when I tell you this - trust me please:

He's the biggest idiot he will ever know, and he's stuck with himself for good.

You knew him for a relatively brief time, and you my dear, have dodged a bullet.

Him?

He creates his own misery and will never be happy for as long as he does.

You don't have to live with the loser-jerk.

He does. And that will forever be his punishment.

he will wake up every morning knowing, deep down, that the greatest spanner in the works, insofar as his happiness is concerned, is him.

January 18, 2016

Well screw him. He'll eventually realize his mistake. And if he doesn't, you should feel bad for him.

He's also really pissed off from the sound of it and hurt, given that he kind of lashed out at you, so it sounds like he's sulking and maybe it's his form of retaliation. Either way, you did the right thing by returning his stuff early on so you're done with that piece of it and don't have to be concerned with that anymore. You needed to do that anyway right?

I know you're hurting deeply at the moment, but as an outsider, it seems like he's probably peeved and getting a high out of ignoring someone who called it quits with him, and his refusal to answer you gives him a sense of some redemption/power.

Too bad for him. His loss.

Thanks for your outsider perspective. I'd like him to be hurt, to be angry - because that would show he cared on some level. He would have surely replied, though, if he did. Nobody could be this cold if they cared on some level.

But somehow I think he isn't hurt, I think this isn't about his ego. He's just trying to cut me out, so he can pursue this other lady. He realised I wasn't worth the effort. He doesn't want me, probably never really did. And this hurts even more. I could accept that, but I can't understand why people ignore, cut people out. Why couldn't he share his bank details, wish me all the best? I don't understand....even after many failed long term relationships, I have never ignored, or had anyone ignore me. Thankfully, men have never stooped so low.

Edited January 18, 2016 by toffeecream77

January 18, 2016

he will wake up every morning knowing, deep down, that the greatest spanner in the works, insofar as his happiness is concerned, is him.

Haha we can only hope he is that self aware, but probably isn't!

January 18, 2016

Thanks for your outsider perspective. I'd like him to be hurt, to be angry - because that would show he cared on some level. He would have surely replied, though, if he did. Nobody could be this cold if they cared on some level.

But somehow I think he isn't hurt, I think this isn't about his ego. He's just trying to cut me out, so he can pursue this other lady. He realised I wasn't worth the effort. He doesn't want me, probably never really did. And this hurts even more. I could accept that, but I can't understand why people ignore, cut people out. Why couldn't he share his bank details, wish me all the best? I don't understand....even after many failed long term relationships, I have never ignored, or had anyone ignore me. Thankfully, men have never stooped so low.

Well, I totally understand the feeling of being ignored since I have been there - only once in my life too in an extreme manner - and yes it is quite a sick feeling.

I do think he cared though, as evidenced by your initial post, and how he acted with the message by showing you and trying to get you to see the positives and telling his friend good things about you and then becoming upset when you ended it. That, to me, is telling in the fact that he definitely cared.

I think he's trying to convey that he doesn't care right now and/or he's one of those who are excellent at compartmentalizing and was able to just push it back far in his mind to avoid dealing with it.

Everyone has different coping mechanisms. That is not to say that his isn't hurtful to you, given that your coping mechanism clearly differs from his. However, I truly don't think he doesn't care. I think he's just miffed that you ended it with him so he feels he doesn't owe you any further discussion and is just pushing it out of his mind for now.

I do think people can be cold in the end, even if they cared, but it makes it feel, to the person on the receiving end, that they didn't. And yes, that is an awful thing to convey through silence.

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