Did I make the right decision?

[toffeecream77]

I was seeing a lovely man for 6 months. Everything was great. I really saw a future with him.

 

But the other day, he gave me his phone, and a message popped up saying how much he liked me, how unique I was etc. His friend replied 'why are you still undecided then'? Before I could read the rest, he snatched the phone from me, but I pretended not to see. Later, I was very upset, so we had a chat about it. He refused to show me the messages, and explained that he was telling his friend about how we were going to have the gf/bf talk, which we did a few days ago. He also mentioned that a girl from his past had messaged him recently, but he didn't reply.

 

My suspicions, based on his strange, over protective behaviour, continued. My gut was screaming. I knew he was hiding something in those messages. We spent one evening away from each other. The following night, he was tipsy when we met. He kept telling me to focus on the positives in the message, how he likes me a lot, we spend all our time together, I've met his entire family etc. Eventually he volunteered to show the messages. And it confirmed that he said that he thought about this girl, and it would be hard not to meet with her, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see how things go with me first.

 

I was so upset, I thought things were going so well between us. I thought things were really progressing. I wasn't thinking about anyone else. If he was thinking about someone else, from years ago,then how could he devote himself to this relationship?

 

I didn't get angry at him, I didn't shout. I simply said I would like to go home, alone, and we would catch up another time. He was acting a bit panicked, and kept asking when. So we decided in a couple night's time.

 

Later that night, I couldn't shake the feeling he still had a thing for this young woman, from years ago, when we were in one of the most exciting times in our own relationship. I had been here before. And it doesm't usually end well. So I messaged him that it wasn't going to work. Again, I was very graceful and polite. He wrote back, accusing me of texting another man (a lie), told me I had no integrity, how disappointed he is in me etc.

 

He wanted money for some flights we booked, and to pick up his things. I haven't herd from him in three days now to sort out any of this. I text him 3 times. No reply.

 

I thought he'd reach out and say sorry. Or something.

 

I don't even think he's upset. I think it's his ego.

 

I'm hurting so much. I really miss him. And wonder if I made the right decision. At the time, it felt like a deal breaker.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited January 18, 2016 by toffeecream77

[Art_Critic]

hugz and yes you made the right decision.. this man was going to rip your heart out and stomp on it.

 

when faced with the reality of what he was involved in you did the right thing, there should be comfort in that.. grieve what could have been but don't look back on this as a mistake as it wasn't your fault.

[kxpxsc3]

Yes, I think you made the right decision. I had an incredibly similar situation but I chose to ignore it and went on with the relationship. It ended in me getting very hurt and being regretful for not ending it sooner, especially when my gut was telling me something was off and I deserved way better. Never underestimate the gut!

 

 

I think his ego is hurt because there was maybe a part of him that wanted to keep you as an option and he wasn't expecting that YOU would be the one to end things, but you chose to act in a dignified and self-respected way (major props!).

 

 

You deserve to be with someone who is 100% decided to be exclusive and who is into you and only you, if that's what you are looking for.

[TaraMaiden2]

So what you're saying is that he made several wrong steps but blamed you when HE tripped up?

 

What was your question again...?

 

First of all, he's not as committed as you are, obviously...

 

it would be hard not to meet with her, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see how things go with me first.

He's using you both as options, right....?

 

He broke your trust then projected the fault onto your shoulders, with stupid accusations and blame-shifting.

 

Yes.

You did the right thing.

[toffeecream77]

So what you're saying is that he made several wrong steps but blamed you when HE tripped up?

 

What was your question again...?

 

First of all, he's not as committed as you are, obviously...

 

 

He's using you both as options, right....?

 

He broke your trust then projected the fault onto your shoulders, with stupid accusations and blame-shifting.

 

Yes.

You did the right thing.

 

Why would he get angry and blame me? He said I'm the reason he was thinking about other women, suggesting I had no integrity and that I regulsrly snooped on his phone. I was hurt and down, why keep kicking me? And now he ignores me, hasnt come to pick up his things etc

[toffeecream77]

Thanks for your reassurances everyone

He couldve said sorry or tried to put things right

Instead he insulted me and blamed me

[CarrieT]

He is probably mostly angry at himself for getting caught and is projecting.

 

Just box up his stuff and send him a note that it will be left on a doorstep at such-and-such a time. If he doesn't get it, then it is his problem.

 

After that, BLOCK.

[salparadise]

And it confirmed that he said that he thought about this girl, and it would be hard not to meet with her, but that he liked me a lot and wanted to see how things go with me first.

 

 

I don't know... you two had the bf/gf talk either right before or right after, and in the message he said that you're the one he wanted. The other girl texted him and he hadn't even engaged her. He was simply being honest with his buddy saying the other girl was attractive but...

 

It's understandable that you would feel threatened and a bit jealous, but based on what you've said I don't see any intent on his part to cheat or throw you under the bus for her. It could be interpreted the opposite... that he had a tempting opportunity and didn't take it because he wanted you.

 

Yea, it would be nice if we all had partners who never even looked at another member of the opposite sex again after the first kiss, but how realistic is that? He didn't initiate and he didn't follow through. He showed you the text because he basically had nothing to hide. Who's to say... it's possible you assumed the worst and acted on it preemptively. A case of your fear becoming a self fulfilling prophesy-- you gave him away because of what you imagined might happen, not because of anything he did wrong.

Edited January 18, 2016 by salparadise

[toffeecream77]

@salparadise But I felt his reply should have been "no, of course not, I like her too much. Sarah is in the past." This didn't sound like just a fleeting attraction. He ws hedging his bets?

 

And what do you think of the insults and anger afterwards?

[toffeecream77]

that he had a tempting opportunity and didn't take it because he wanted you.

 

No, no...right now, he wanted to see how things went with me. He was keeping the other girl as a back up. Didn't dismiss her entirely.

[salparadise]

@salparadise But I felt his reply should have been "no, of course not, I like her too much. Sarah is in the past." This didn't sound like just a fleeting attraction. He ws hedging his bets?

 

And what do you think of the insults and anger afterwards?

 

 

Like I said, in a perfect world we'd all have partners who never lust after, look at or even think about anyone but us. I think this ideal is what you expected and held him to, and as a result you ended the relationship preemptively. It's just not realistic to think that our partners, even if they're madly in love with us, will never notice or fantasize about another member of the opposite sex.

 

In all probability, if you hadn't accidentally seen that message, or demanded to see the rest of the conversation, that the two of you would be progressing just fine. Even Jimmy Carter admitted to lusting in his heart- because he was honest. Anyone who denies ever doing so is lying.

 

The other mitigating factor is that you two had only been official a day or two, or perhaps even after she messaged him. Yet your expectation/demand was total dedication and zero temptation even in thought.

 

The anger part is unfortunate, but I can't quite reach the conclusion that it confirms that he's evil or anything like that. He had just been hit in the head with a sledge hammer, and I'm sure in his mind he believes that it wasn't justified.

 

I also can't say for sure that it was no big deal. We just don't know what might, or might not have happened. I'm just saying that you acted on the appearance of impropriety (in your mind) without waiting to see what the actuality was. If you had just said that this made you uncomfortable and talked it through, he probably would've apologized and affirmed his devotion to you. He didn't get the chance and I can see how he'd be angry (but not saying it's entirely justified).

 

The world just isn't black and white. People are complex and romantic relationships are at least as much about how we deal with adversity as finding perfect love- if such a thing even exists.

[TaraMaiden2]

Why would he get angry and blame me? He said I'm the reason he was thinking about other women, suggesting I had no integrity and that I regulsrly snooped on his phone. I was hurt and down, why keep kicking me? And now he ignores me, hasnt come to pick up his things etc

 

Because "The best form of Defence is Attack."

 

Catch your accuser (That would be you) by surprise, and turn the tables.

 

You've mentioned more than once, an expected or supposed apology, from him.

But this has not been forthcoming.

Why not?

 

Because he revealed himself as being a flake and you got him bang to rights.

So what does he do?

 

Instead of doing the right thing, trying to reassure you, admit his foolishness, and be up front about his feelings - he turns everything back onto you, and blames you, making wild accusations, all of which reinforce his sense of self-righteous indignation.

 

He tells a lie to demolish your self-respect and to establish in his mind that you are just as bad, like him, no better.

 

The guilty will always resort to basic behaviour such as -

 

"It wasn't me, it was her, she made me do it!" type of things....

 

Hopefully, with the major amount of support (with one dissenting voice) you'll see your way through to healing a lot more quickly now that you have his mettle....

[TaraMaiden2]

Like I said, in a perfect world we'd all have partners who never lust after, look at or even think about anyone but us. I think this ideal is what you expected and held him to, and as a result you ended the relationship preemptively. It's just not realistic to think that our partners, even if they're madly in love with us, will never notice or fantasize about another member of the opposite sex.

 

In all probability, if you hadn't accidentally seen that message, or demanded to see the rest of the conversation, that the two of you would be progressing just fine. Even Jimmy Carter admitted to lusting in his heart- because he was honest. Anyone who denies ever doing so is lying.

 

The other mitigating factor is that you two had only been official a day or two, or perhaps even after she messaged him. Yet your expectation/demand was total dedication and zero temptation even in thought.

 

The anger part is unfortunate, but I can't quite reach the conclusion that it confirms that he's evil or anything like that. He had just been hit in the head with a sledge hammer, and I'm sure in his mind he believes that it wasn't justified.

 

I also can't say for sure that it was no big deal. We just don't know what might, or might not have happened. I'm just saying that you acted on the appearance of impropriety (in your mind) without waiting to see what the actuality was. If you had just said that this made you uncomfortable and talked it through, he probably would've apologized and affirmed his devotion to you. He didn't get the chance and I can see how he'd be angry (but not saying it's entirely justified).

 

The world just isn't black and white. People are complex and romantic relationships are at least as much about how we deal with adversity as finding perfect love- if such a thing even exists.

 

You don't seem to get it.... You're completely missing the point of her query.

 

He query was not so much regarding the other woman, but his intansigent, argumentative and frankly slanderous, callous attitude afterwards.

 

He's such a child....

[Maggie4]

Yes you did the right thing. You might make allowances for him having feelings for girls in the past. But the way he behaved later on showed his true self. The name calling and the silence afterwards. All show him to be a rather unworthy person.

[salparadise]

You don't seem to get it.... You're completely missing the point of her query.

 

He query was not so much regarding the other woman, but his intansigent, argumentative and frankly slanderous, callous attitude afterwards.

 

He's such a child....

 

 

Bzzzzzt- disagree. Rush to judgement- par for the course on LS. There should be a button that women can push to generate a dozen or more "kick his ass to the curb" responses from other women. Would save everyone a lot of time.

[OldRover]

Bzzzzzt- disagree. Rush to judgement- par for the course on LS. There should be a button that women can push to generate a dozen or more "kick his ass to the curb" responses from other women. Would save everyone a lot of time.

 

Boy, do I totally agree! Happens in every thread.

 

toffeecream77:

 

Yes, you screwed up. Not major, but somewhat. You should give it another chance to see which way he goes. Having a fleeting moment in a 6 mo. relationship is not uncommon, and ya have to get through those. It could be the end, but you don't know.

 

I could have argued to just say, "Think about it for a few days and let me know which way you want to go, as I don't want to be held in limbo"... or something like that. Let him know you care, but you're not going to put up with him chasing another. Hopefully, you'll find out where he stands.

 

But not, you are apart so you have to work to get him back. And there's a program for that, too.

 

If you really like the guy, put some effort into it. You're already hurt, I can't see where a bit more effort would hurt much more... but could turn out great. You have obviously established a good start.

[toffeecream77]

Boy, do I totally agree! Happens in every thread.

 

toffeecream77:

 

Yes, you screwed up. Not major, but somewhat. You should give it another chance to see which way he goes. Having a fleeting moment in a 6 mo. relationship is not uncommon, and ya have to get through those. It could be the end, but you don't know.

 

I could have argued to just say, "Think about it for a few days and let me know which way you want to go, as I don't want to be held in limbo"... or something like that. Let him know you care, but you're not going to put up with him chasing another. Hopefully, you'll find out where he stands.

 

But not, you are apart so you have to work to get him back. And there's a program for that, too.

 

If you really like the guy, put some effort into it. You're already hurt, I can't see where a bit more effort would hurt much more... but could turn out great. You have obviously established a good start.

 

Yes, but where is his apology? I was very respectful. Yet he insulted me, made up a lie about me texting another man etc. Shouldn't he be trying to convince me that I do not nee to hurt, because his msgs were innocent? It can't all be down to me. I've tried reaching out several times, yet he continues to ignore me.

[dyna85]

I personally think it's kind of fate that you saw the message, and yes, you acted a bit on impulse, but in line with your gut, so can't fault you for that.

 

With that said, I think it's faulty to think he'd apologize when you did the breaking up. That's one thing I've learned the hard way with guys and is my number 1 lesson I'm keeping in my back pocket, which is never to break up unless you really mean to break up for good (not rather as leverage--because you're mad about something and hope he finally gets the depth of your hurt and apologizes for it, because it doesn't work like that and most people when you break up with them or shut the door, are so pissed that it just becomes about self-salvage at that point rather than trying to resolve the issue). I think the better bet would have been to continue the discussion about your feelings rather than jumping the gun and calling it quits, thereby closing the door to that discussion entirely.

 

I don't think it's out of line for him to be contemplating someone else when you were only dating for 6 months. Sure, it's unsettling and unnerving and upsetting when you're all in and it seems the other person isn't quite there, but who knows what might happen if you give him the opportunity to choose? After all, you can't force love. It just happens as it may. So he might have decided on his own that you were the better choice over this other girl if you had allowed him to make that decision on his own.

 

At the same time, it would be annoying to know that you're kind of an option in his mind, given your sight of the text. However, he was at least honest enough to disclose the resurfacing of that other girl to you and to let you see the remainder of the text.

 

It seems like a tricky situation and it's a tough call as to whether you should have given it more time to see how it played out or if acting on impulse based on your instinct was the best move.

 

If you hadn't broken it off, you might have been hurt further if things didn't continue to progress between you two and you found out he truly wasn't as invested as you. However, that remains to have been seen.

 

I can't say I wouldn't have done what you did though because when emotions getting heavy and you feel you're being played even a little and/or the other person is still testing the waters when you're all in, it's hard not to just opt out completely, to save yourself from even worse drama/pain than you already feel.

 

However, I think the others who mention it might have been a premature ending have a point.

 

I think you were both at different stages in the relationship. As outlined in the book 'Mars and Venus on a Date' by John Gray, you were but one step ahead of him in the five stages of dating. You were in exclusivity and he was in uncertainty. That doesn't mean he wouldn't have progressed to the stage of exclusivity if given the chance. He just wasn't there yet.

[TaraMaiden2]

Boy, do I totally agree! Happens in every thread.

 

toffeecream77:

 

Yes, you screwed up. Not major, but somewhat. You should give it another chance to see which way he goes. Having a fleeting moment in a 6 mo. relationship is not uncommon, and ya have to get through those. It could be the end, but you don't know.

 

I could have argued to just say, "Think about it for a few days and let me know which way you want to go, as I don't want to be held in limbo"... or something like that. Let him know you care, but you're not going to put up with him chasing another. Hopefully, you'll find out where he stands.

 

But not, you are apart so you have to work to get him back. And there's a program for that, too.

 

If you really like the guy, put some effort into it. You're already hurt, I can't see where a bit more effort would hurt much more... but could turn out great. You have obviously established a good start.

 

If guys don't want us to be so predictable, they could up their manners, quit being childish and show some respect.

 

I have often advised counselling and talking, but when guys treat women with disdain and contempt, I don't care how many second chances they think they should get - that's not negotiable.

[dyna85]

Yes, but where is his apology? I was very respectful. Yet he insulted me, made up a lie about me texting another man etc. Shouldn't he be trying to convince me that I do not nee to hurt, because his msgs were innocent? It can't all be down to me. I've tried reaching out several times, yet he continues to ignore me.

 

He's likely not going to apologize since you did the breaking off with him. Anything goes once you end the relationship and it's no longer about the relationship, since you called that part off already. His insulting you and making up a lie about you texting another man probably come from a place of hurt and him feeling that you did him wrong by unjustly ending things with him.

 

From his vantage point, he did nothing wrong. He didn't go out with the other girl or even meet her. He was merely contemplating her since she got back into contact with him. However, you pulled the plug on him, so now he owes you nothing and is pissed off and hurt; hence the insults and ignoring.

 

If you still were in a relationship with him and you expressed your hurt without breaking up, then it would make sense for him to apologize and reassure or whatever. However, he's now playing the 'I don't care card' as you did when you broke things off with him.

 

I know it's hard to see it from his standpoint since your emotions are running on high right now, but this is an objective view of the situation and based on my experience with breaking up with guys, they don't take it lightly and it usually results in your expectations being all the more unmet.

[toffeecream77]

I know it's hard to see it from his standpoint since your emotions are running on high right now, but this is an objective view of the situation and based on my experience with breaking up with guys, they don't take it lightly and it usually results in your expectations being all the more unmet.

 

I can totally see things from his side. But I don't think he'll understand or forgive me. And I wouldn't want that kind of man anyway. I'd want somebody 'stronger'.

[lolablue17]

I'll be honest with you, and say that I think you made a big mistake. I can't judge if you both should be to gether, that's not for me to know. I'm talking about the way you conducted your matters. i'll be very blunt with you:

 

1. A man has the right to have best friends. You, as his gf can never be a full best friend, even if you're 20 years together, not to mention you're only 6 month. He has the right to talk with his best male friend about EVERYTHING!

 

Maybe he has a fantasie to have sex with Britney Spears, he has the right to share it with his best friend.

 

YOU wanted to supervise and to watch his conversation with his best friend! BIG MISTAKE! you asked to know things that are none of your business, You wanted to take a peek of his internal private world, and now YOU can't handle it. You shouldn't have gotten into this, and when you have, take responsibility and stop blaming others for your bad decision.

 

2. He's known you for 6 month, and suddenly - Boom... A desired girl from the past has contacted him. He thought about it and while very much had the desire to meet her, he has shown a good solid character, telling his friend that he wants you, so he didn't even flirt with her, or trying to keep her on the side. He says "Although I desire this girl from the past, I CHOOSE my current Gf, and I didn't even reply to that girl.

 

WOW! I think it's a perfect behavior of a man. Although he is attracted to another woman that contacted him and wants him, he decides to drop it to build a relationship with you. . So what should he appologize for?

 

It's not a matter of who appologize to whom. It's a matter of a woman who ruins a good potential of a solid relationship just because she can't admit that she was wrong. You throw a man that wants you so bad, till he rejects a woman he desires.

 

I advice you not to go that road. If you continue that route you might want to monitor your next bf's dreams at night and getting upset because of it.

Edited January 18, 2016 by lolablue17

[toffeecream77]

I'll be honest with you, and say that I think you made a big mistake. I can't judge if you both should be to gether, that's not for me to know. I'm talking about the way you conducted your matters. i'll be very blunt with you:

 

1. A man has the right to have best friends. You, as his gf can never be a full best friend, even if you're 20 years together, not to mention you're only 6 month. He has the right to talk with his best male friend about EVERYTHING!

 

Maybe he has a fantasie to have sex with Britney Spears, he has the right to share it with his best friend.

 

YOU wanted to supervise and to watch his conversation with his best friend! BIG MISTAKE! you asked to know things that are none of your business, You wanted to take a peek of his internal private world, and now YOU can't handle it. You shouldn't have gotten into this, and when you have, take responsibility and stop blaming others for your bad decision.

 

2. He's known you for 6 month, and suddenly - Boom... A desired girl from the past has contacted him. He thought about it and while very much had the desire to meet her, he has shown a good solid character, telling his friend that he wants you, so he didn't even flirt with her, or trying to keep her on the side. He says "Although I desire this girl from the past, I CHOOSE my current Gf, and I didn't even reply to that girl.

 

WOW! I think it's a perfect behavior of a man. Although he is attracted to another woman that contacted him and wants him, he decides to drop it to build a relationship with you. . So what should he appologize for?

 

It's not a matter of who appologize to whom. It's a matter of a woman who ruins a good potential of a solid relationship just because she can't admit that she was wrong. You throw a man that wants you so bad, till he rejects a woman he desires.

 

I advice you not to go that road. If you continue that route you might want to monitor your next bf's dreams at night and getting upset because of it.

 

Sorry, you're mistaken. He was keeping this other girl as an option in case we didn't work out. He didn't necessarily pick me for the long term. I don't want to be with a man who is thinking about other women, sorry. It's perfectly normal to have some attraction for others, but not old flames, especially those you find it difficult to part from.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'll be honest with you, and say that I think you made a big mistake. I can't judge if you both should be to gether, that's not for me to know. I'm talking about the way you conducted your matters. i'll be very blunt with you:

 

1. A man has the right to have best friends. You, as his gf can never be a full best friend, even if you're 20 years together, not to mention you're only 6 month. He has the right to talk with his best male friend about EVERYTHING!

 

Maybe he has a fantasie to have sex with Britney Spears, he has the right to share it with his best friend.

 

YOU wanted to supervise and to watch his conversation with his best friend! BIG MISTAKE! you asked to know things that are none of your business, You wanted to take a peek of his internal private world, and now YOU can't handle it. You shouldn't have gotten into this, and when you have, take responsibility and stop blaming others for your bad decision.

 

2. He's known you for 6 month, and suddenly - Boom... A desired girl from the past has contacted him. He thought about it and while very much had the desire to meet her, he has shown a good solid character, telling his friend that he wants you, so he didn't even flirt with her, or trying to keep her on the side. He says "Although I desire this girl from the past, I CHOOSE my current Gf, and I didn't even reply to that girl.

 

WOW! I think it's a perfect behavior of a man. Although he is attracted to another woman that contacted him and wants him, he decides to drop it to build a relationship with you. . So what should he appologize for?

 

It's not a matter of who appologize to whom. It's a matter of a woman who ruins a good potential of a solid relationship just because she can't admit that she was wrong. You throw a man that wants you so bad, till he rejects a woman he desires.

 

I advice you not to go that road. If you continue that route you might want to monitor your next bf's dreams at night and getting upset because of it.

 

 

...And did you also miss the part where he began to insult her and make stuff up about her to blame-shift?

Real grown up, huh...?

[losangelena]

Oh, OP, I know you're doubting yourself, but put it in perspective. You dated for six months. That's not so long. There are many other men in the world with whom you could have just as good a relationship, if not better. Process your feelings, of course, but don't despair that you've somehow thrown away something precious and magical. You asserted yourself and did what you thought was right. I suck at asserting myself, so when I do I generally second-guess myself, that's normal.

 

But, at the end of the day, even if you pulled the trigger too early, it's not the biggest mistake you'll ever make. You may or may not have missed out on a relationship with THIS particular man, but there is another relationship out there for you, don't worry.