what happened? will he come back?

[jessroberts]

Ok so...

 

Was dating a guy for a couple of months. Going amazingly well. I was a little uncertain at first but he was so lovely and always eager and so he ended up growing on me.

 

I'm as certain as I can be he really liked/likes me. We had sex first after about a month (I know I know) but that didn't seem to affect anything...going as strong as ever.* He even spent a couple of days literally looking after me when I was really poorly so I don't think he was just after sex. We didn't see each other for a bit due to Christmas and he had to go away for his brothers wedding but we stayed constantly in touch all that time - didnt affect anything.

 

Then in Jan he decided he'd love to take me away. So we went for a lovely weekend abroad. His treat. It was really amazing. He was really amazing - couldn't stay away from me, lots of attention, romance, cuddles, smiles, you get the idea.

 

But the second er landed back home he seemed 'different'. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was...but definitely there. But I decided to put it down to being tired and also the weekend had been very close and intense so figured we were both probably feeling a little dazed from it.

 

I sent a message to say I'd had a lovely time. He messaged back immediately...It was an ok message, kisses etc but didn't say he'd had a nice time too which I found a little odd.

 

The next day I didn't hear from him (very unusual-previously...he'd always be in touch). I then noticed he was back on his online dating profile (wanted to see if I needed to worry!). So just sent a little message to check in if he was having an ok day at work (I've never mentioned the online dating thing to him at any point just to note). He replied as soon as he read it. We had a brief exchange of a couple more messages then nothing. I figured maybe he needed a couple of days to get his head in order so left it. He did accept the fb friend request I'd sent him over the weekend though (which he didn't have to do as he'd already mentioned he never goes on there etc so he could easily have ignored it and pretended he just didn't see it).

 

I heard nothing from him. But he kept going back to his online dating profile. Then on thur I felt I'd really had enough....wasn't really fair making me feel hurt like that. So I just sent a polite message to him to say I'd had a lovely time, really liked him a lot, had missed him and although I'd love to see him again and see where it led, he seemed distant and it didn't seem to be working for whatever reason and wished him well. He replied straight away to that and apologised for being distant (something about an awful time at work...not awful enough to leave online dating alone though) and that I was one of the most lovely girls he'd ever met. But didn't think he was the right guy for me and also wished me well.

 

Confusing. Yep.

 

I started the whole stay away no contact thing but did cave the next day with one more message about the weekend trip (I know but it was a week since and I'm only human) just to say how much I'd enjoyed it how much I'd liked him and thank you and that I had appreciated him doing it for me (I didn't do any asking for him back or say anything that meant he'd feel obliged to respond). He didn't reply right away (to be honest I wasn't expecting him to at all) but did the next day to apologise for it being a late reply (he'd been out and wasn't sure what to say to me) and thank you for my nice message, reiterated that I really was one of the nicest girls he knows etc and wished me well again.

 

I've not messaged since. Nor do I think I will (regardless of how hard it is). I've even got myself a nice date for tonight to try get myself back into it again. He's still quite regularly on the dating site changed his pic and everything. He stayed my fb friend but I've put him on a restricted list so he can't see my posts. I've also removed his number and messages from my phone.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this? What happened...It was going so well then he just pretty much dropped out for no real understandable reason.

 

I should probably mention ( not sure if it's important or not) that he got out of a 2 year relationship about 2/3 months before we met (he said that wasn't an issue as it had been a while coming and although she was nice she wasn't the one he wanted forever). Does (from experience) anyone think he might regret leaving me and come back to me after some time?

 

*To give my background I'm a 30+ attractive and successful woman. I've been happily single for 2 years (obviously had dates etc in between!) and don't easily fall for anyone (until now...typical).

 

*Ps. As an afterthought...there's another couple of things that I'm not sure if they might somehow play in this...he's recently moved back home (living with parents at the min till he buys another place which he's not too happy about) and does seem to get worried/stressed about things like work, houses etc.*

[ExpatInItaly]

Strange given that you had just spent a weekend away together but obviously something changed for him. Perhaps he realized he doesn't want to commit to one person right now, Maybe he was rebounding. It's hard to say, but one thing is for sure - he wants to keep his options open. For all you know, he could've been active on the dating site this whole time, but you only discovered it recently. It sucks, but it's a good thing you noticed this.

 

I wouldn't count on him coming back, though. You spent relatively little time together so there wasn't much possibility to form a deeper connection that he'd miss, you know?

 

You did the right thing removing him from your phone. I would actually also remove him from FB, too. I don't see much point keeping him there.

[jessroberts]

It's just so strange. He seems to think he wants a relationship.

 

I just wish I had a real reason I could get my head around for it going wrong. Even if it was some constructive criticism for me...It'd be useful in case there's something simple I can just change for the future.

 

Sad that you think he might never be in touch again. I truly thought something lovely was happening. Even if it didn't last I just wish it hadn't ended with me feeling this bad and confused...

 

Ps. Re the coming back thing...I've had a few people suggest this could be something called 'withdrawing' or 'pulling away' that guys sometimes do when it starts to get intimate and they panic. Often they return (apparently) after they've not heard from you for a while - maybe the grass wasn't greener and they realise you're better I don't know.

Could this be the case? I'd like to be prepared for that if anyone has any experience there?

Edited January 18, 2016 by jessroberts

[introverted1]

 

I just wish I had a real reason I could get my head around for it going wrong. Even if it was some constructive criticism for me...It'd be useful in case there's something simple I can just change for the future.

 

I think we all feel this way when something doesn't work out and it wasn't of our choosing.

 

It sounds like a case of a mismatch, not that there is something you need to change for the future. Possibly he saw something in your weekend away that gave him pause, or maybe he just realised that you weren't someone with whom he enjoyed spending 24/7 with.

 

Sometimes there isn't a clear reason, just a sense that the other person is not a good fit. And isn't it better for him to tell you so early on, rather than breaking your heart months (or years) down the road?

[Survivor12]

Two things:

 

First, just because you don't know the reason he chose to end the relationship doesn't mean that he didn't have one. I understand that you want to know, but it's not likely that you ever will know exactly what it was and trying to guess will only drive you nuts. Don't torture yourself trying to figure it out.

 

As for wanting to know the reason so that you can change your behavior--why??? Do you think that every man wants, expects or is attracted to the same types of women? Of course not. The changes you make to suit THIS guy may not be at all attractive to the next. Be yourself and find a man who appreciates you just the way you are.

 

Oh, and remember this--he said that he thinks that you're one of the nicest girls he's ever met but didn't think that he was the right guy for you, right? Well, he knows himself better than you know him so he may have done you a favor by ending it now. When a guy tells you that you can do better than him, believe it.

[Lois_Griffin]

Possibly he saw something in your weekend away that gave him pause, or maybe he just realised that you weren't someone with whom he enjoyed spending 24/7 with.

There was definitely a change of heart after the weekend getaway. He's not feeling it.

 

He's using lame excuses about stress at work and all that nonsense, but he'd already cooled off toward you by the time you got back from your trip and he hadn't even gotten back to work yet, so that excuse is garbage.

 

Maybe he just didn't feel the sexual chemistry with you and has decided to move on. The fact that he dropped you off and practically ran for his dating profile the moment he got home tells the real story.

 

Just accept that he wasn't feeling it. Period. Don't reach out anymore as it will make you look pitiful. Just accept it gracefully and move on.

[kendahke]

I should probably mention ( not sure if it's important or not) that he got out of a 2 year relationship about 2/3 months before we met (he said that wasn't an issue as it had been a while coming and although she was nice she wasn't the one he wanted forever). Does (from experience) anyone think he might regret leaving me and come back to me after some time?

 

*To give my background I'm a 30+ attractive and successful woman. I've been happily single for 2 years (obviously had dates etc in between!) and don't easily fall for anyone (until now...typical).

 

*Ps. As an afterthought...there's another couple of things that I'm not sure if they might somehow play in this...he's recently moved back home (living with parents at the min till he buys another place which he's not too happy about) and does seem to get worried/stressed about things like work, houses etc.*

 

The bolded is what I think is really the matter. A perfect storm of him not being available to pursue you. He's afraid to let you in further, that much is evident.

 

His dating profile may be a thing where whenever his phone is on, it shows him signed in. Unless you two had a talk about exclusivity during the time you spent with one another, he's pretty much free to be on that site. Doesn't mean he's finding anyone or anyone is responding to him.

 

I think that his ex came back into the picture. No one who isn't feeling anything for you takes you on an out of town trip and drops that kind of money on you. I think he probably did feel chemistry with you, but he's not over his ex.

 

Also, his living arrangements right now may also be playing into his behavior. To go from being autonomous to living with one's parents again can be a bit soul crushing and embarrassing, especially if he's not there to take care of an ill parent.

[kendahke]

Also, you should change your profile pictures, too. Update them and keep them fresh. It's indicative of you moving on to find someone else. If he sees that you've changed your pictures, it may make him think twice about the tack he's taken.

[jessroberts]

Thanks Kendahke

 

I can't deny it...your response seems to be closer to what I think might be happening. Although he's definitely been on the dating site for the past week. No doubt about it...It's not a phone being on thing.

 

I did make it clear that I didn't have an issue with him being back with his parents - it's a temp measure and I've got my own house so it's not like we couldn't have somewhere for our own space.

 

I honestly would love another chance with him. I've also updated my profile online and started chatting to guys. But I just wish it might work with him.

 

We can all dream I guess. X

[preraph]

My impression is that he is making sure he does everything right and being the sweet thoughtful person, which doesn't usually come all that naturally, so he's probably put a lot of effort into making the best possible impression on you, and so he has. But the trip together, spending all that time together, made him realize he's not really that interested in you. So he's still very thoughtful and being very nice because that's what he does, but he vetted you and decided you aren't what he was looking for. He's been clear about that. Even if he did come back, I wouldn't jump at the chance, knowing he's not satisfied with you as you are. Sorry. I can see how you'd be puzzled. He's just a very polite guy who gives it his best shot and tries not to hurt people, but he has requirements and lord only knows what those are.

[Maggie4]

You want another chance with him? Your mistake was sending that message to him saying the sorry it didn't work out, wish him well, "goodbye". You wanted him to say, no no, don't go. But he didn't.

 

Why do so many women do this? You are tortured now because he didn't initiate the break up, you did. And yet you don't want to break up, you want him back. I understand how his distancing prompted you to do the faux-goodbye, but it just really messes with you, because now you keep wondering. And you are doing the deleting his number thing, while wanting him to contact you.

 

I suspect you bruised his ego on this trip, and you didn't know it. Maybe something you said, like, "this hotel room is SO small!" I do think he wants a relationship. But it doesn't mean he can handle one. Going on a dating site like that is a sign of emotional immaturity.

 

Did he change what he said in his dating profile? I once dated a man and I inadvertently insulted his beloved car (ha ha). Then he went online (actually back then it was print personals in the newspaper) and in the part about what kind of woman he's looking for, he said something about the car.

 

Anyway, we didn't work out. He wanted a real relationship, but he believed OLD was a magic genie or Santa Claus and whenever you're unhappy, you can just go make a request and you'd get the specified woman. Guess what, 20 years later he is still single and still on dating sites.

 

So I think you probably did the right thing, because this secretly-going-online whenever-unhappy behavior is really unacceptable. It's just that the way the break up happened, left you doubting yourself and wanting another chance. You shouldn't really want that.

[jessroberts]

Hey Maggie4

 

I'm fairly certain I didn't bruise his ego at all on our trip. Everything he arranged was beautiful....He didn't spare any expense it was all lovely. In fact it was quite the opposite...I was very complimentary to him on this trip and very attentive. It was the first time I really let any of my feelings properly known (he knew I liked him obviously but not how much until the trip) - one reason I'm worried it mount have scared him off (I didn't mention the L word or anything like that obviously but I reckon he'd have realised I thought there could be something more there...

 

Now I thought I was safe doing that a little bit as why on earth would a guy go to so much expense time and effort for someone he didn't like and at least want a bit?

 

When I said my goodbyes I did honestly mean it....I don't want to force him to like me or be with me. I still stand by that. But that doesn't mean I'm not really sad he said he wasn't sure he was right for me....as I thought he was (so far anyway). It also doesn't mean I don't still miss him and wasn't him around.

 

I know him retreating back to online dating wasn't the most appropriate response of his and that's the thing that really upsets me most....almost like he's gone 'grass is greener' on me....

[Jejangles]

You'll never know why he pulled away. I struggle with this too, a guy will seem so into me early on then pull away just when I'm getting interested... You can analyse it to death but most of the time it has something to do with them and their situation rather than you. Regardless, the right guy for you will come back from a week-end away and be excited about you, not pull away and go cold, don't you think?

 

I have also "ended it" with someone because I could feel them pulling away then second guessed myself. Don't do that - for whatever reason, this guy was cooling on you. There's nothing you can do when that happens but either wait it out for him to fade on you completely or end it and move on. There are exceptions where a guy cools then warms up to you again, but I think the rule is that once they cool that's it, you might as well cut your losses.

 

Take a few days to get over it (and trust me, you will get over it!) then move on. You just have to keep trying!

[jessroberts]

Hey Maggie4

 

I'm fairly certain I didn't bruise his ego at all on our trip. Everything he arranged was beautiful....He didn't spare any expense it was all lovely. In fact it was quite the opposite...I was very complimentary to him on this trip and very attentive. It was the first time I really let any of my feelings properly known (he knew I liked him obviously but not how much until the trip) - one reason I'm worried it mount have scared him off (I didn't mention the L word or anything like that obviously but I reckon he'd have realised I thought there could be something more there...

 

Now I thought I was safe doing that a little bit as why on earth would a guy go to so much expense time and effort for someone he didn't like and at least want a bit?

 

When I said my goodbyes I did honestly mean it....I don't want to force him to like me or be with me. I still stand by that. But that doesn't mean I'm not really sad he said he wasn't sure he was right for me....as I thought he was (so far anyway). It also doesn't mean I don't still miss him and wasn't him around.

 

I deleted his number etc not to spite him, but to stop myself contacting him. At the moment it really hurts and I don't want to do or say anything stupid.

 

I know him retreating back to online dating wasn't the most appropriate response of his and that's the thing that really upsets me most....almost like he's gone 'grass is greener' on me....

[ExpatInItaly]

It's just so strange. He seems to think he wants a relationship.

 

I just wish I had a real reason I could get my head around for it going wrong. Even if it was some constructive criticism for me...It'd be useful in case there's something simple I can just change for the future.

 

Sad that you think he might never be in touch again. I truly thought something lovely was happening. Even if it didn't last I just wish it hadn't ended with me feeling this bad and confused...

 

Ps. Re the coming back thing...I've had a few people suggest this could be something called 'withdrawing' or 'pulling away' that guys sometimes do when it starts to get intimate and they panic. Often they return (apparently) after they've not heard from you for a while - maybe the grass wasn't greener and they realise you're better I don't know.

Could this be the case? I'd like to be prepared for that if anyone has any experience there?

 

I don't think that's the case here.

 

In my experience, men who "pull away" don't actually end it. They just kind of fade out without saying much because they don't want to burn that bridge completely. This guy did burn the bridge by telling you he's not the right guy for you. He obviously knows something you don't, either about his mindset or whether he saw an incompatibility with you or even if he was seeing other girls the whole time.

 

But I will warn you - guys who blow hot and cold and resurface are not ideal relationship candidates. At all. They tend to be on the lookout for the next "shiny object" and are not searching for commitment. Stay away from these types.

 

Why do you want another chance with a guy who gave you up so easily?

[Maggie4]

If you were gonna give him a pass on the pulling away, then you shouldn't have said your goodbye. Yes you might mean it. I don't mean you were playing games, but that you are torn, and if you hadn't said to him this isn't working out, would he have worked out his issues and gotten back on track on his own? We'll never know. Now you are trying to stop yourself contacting him. But you do want him. And you can't go tell him you want to try again. This is a very painful scenario :-(

[Jejangles]

I don't think that's the case here.

 

In my experience, men who "pull away" don't actually end it. They just kind of fade out without saying much because they don't want to burn that bridge completely. This guy did burn the bridge by telling you he's not the right guy for you. He obviously knows something you don't, either about his mindset or whether he saw an incompatibility with you or even if he was seeing other girls the whole time.

 

But I will warn you - guys who blow hot and cold and resurface are not ideal relationship candidates. At all. They tend to be on the lookout for the next "shiny object" and are not searching for commitment. Stay away from these types.

 

Why do you want another chance with a guy who gave you up so easily?

 

I totally agree with all of this... In fact, I had a guy do this just recently! We went on four dates in total, he was steadily in touch after date four and alluding to future plans and then he just slowly... faded... He has not "ended" it as such, but it has been over a week since we were last in touch. My assumption is his attention is elsewhere but he wants to keep an open door with me. But there is no open door here, I have realised during this fading time that it's not going to happen for us (we live relatively far apart and we have completely different schedules) and I am actively dating others. So he may pop up one day, but I am no longer interested.

 

Anyway, successful dating is all about mutual interest and momentum. Anything can knock a promising situation off track in the early days. He likely won't pop up again, and even if he did, he has now shown he is lukewarm towards you at best. You want someone who actively wants to be with you!