He won't talk to me... I think I hurt his ego?

[SoulflowerChloe]

Hello. So prior to our recent falling out, my ex and I were back in contact after a previous breakup. We were just friends ( insisted by him) but we were sleeping together.

 

During a conversation one day, we were talking about regrets and I mentioned to him that I wondered how my life would be had I given an old crush a chance during high school. (My ex also attended high school with me, but we were just friends at the time. We didn't seriously date until after HS). In the moment, he had no problem with the statements and engaged in convo with me.

 

After 2 weeks of not speaking with him, he sent me a long, heated message basically saying that he wanted nothing to do with me because of what I mentioned in that conversation. I was shocked, as the message came out of no where. I asked him to think it through and asked if he was acting out of anger, but he insisted that he was good on his decision. I apologized to him in attempt to salvage things and be understanding, but he would not communicate with me. He stopped replying and I believe that he blocked me. It's been about 2 weeks or so since then.

 

I am confused by all of this. If he and I are not together (HIS choice), why did he respond like this?

[mightycpa]

I think because in essence, you were musing wistfully about, whether you meant to imply that or not, that if you had given HS Crush a chance, you'd have never dated Mr. Ex, and you wouldn't be sleeping with him right now. I think it probably bugged him at the time, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why. That's why he seemed OK with it when you said it; I don't think he really was, but he didn't have any time to consider it, so he just played along as if nothing was wrong. In and of itself, it is a slightly insensitive thing to say, but it's not worthy of separation.... UNLESS there was already a trust issue at play. This is the action of a person who feels betrayed in a major way. So if I may engage in a little more conjecture,

 

While I understand that it was his choice and characterization for the two of you not to be together now, I'd be willing to bet that is was you who broke it off in your "recent falling out". Then, although he was willing to sleep with you, he didn't fully trust you yet, and that's why he insisted you two were just friends. He was probably trying to convince himself it was a good idea to be with you even though he was distrustful of your ability to stick around in the long run. It was a trial period, and with that comment, you failed the trial.

 

If I'm right about this, he has pretty much written you off at this point and he is now on a mission to change his feelings about you. Your second chance has been used up and it will be a long time before you ever hear from him again, if you ever do. I'll bet he's kicking himself for ever getting back in touch with you.

 

You don't seem all that broken up about it, so from a purely prospective, future outcome-based analysis, I'd have to say he did the right thing.

 

How'd I do?

[qofplenty]

if he can cut you off that coldly and doesn't want to talk WITH you instead of AT you....are you really losing anything? When you mentioned the old crush...I mean that sounds hurtful. But if he doesn't want to manage that hurt and express things to you...this sounds just about over. It doesn't matter what you would've said. This guy can't manage conflict.

[SoulflowerChloe]

I think because in essence, you were musing wistfully about, whether you meant to imply that or not, that if you had given HS Crush a chance, you'd have never dated Mr. Ex, and you wouldn't be sleeping with him right now. I think it probably bugged him at the time, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why. That's why he seemed OK with it when you said it; I don't think he really was, but he didn't have any time to consider it, so he just played along as if nothing was wrong. In and of itself, it is a slightly insensitive thing to say, but it's not worthy of separation.... UNLESS there was already a trust issue at play. This is the action of a person who feels betrayed in a major way. So if I may engage in a little more conjecture,

 

While I understand that it was his choice and characterization for the two of you not to be together now, I'd be willing to bet that is was you who broke it off in your "recent falling out". Then, although he was willing to sleep with you, he didn't fully trust you yet, and that's why he insisted you two were just friends. He was probably trying to convince himself it was a good idea to be with you even though he was distrustful of your ability to stick around in the long run. It was a trial period, and with that comment, you failed the trial.

 

If I'm right about this, he has pretty much written you off at this point and he is now on a mission to change his feelings about you. Your second chance has been used up and it will be a long time before you ever hear from him again, if you ever do. I'll bet he's kicking himself for ever getting back in touch with you.

 

You don't seem all that broken up about it, so from a purely prospective, future outcome-based analysis, I'd have to say he did the right thing.

 

How'd I do?

 

Thank you for your response. It sounds about right, but I have to correct you on one thing. I am COMPLETELY broken up about it. I know these words may seem like simple words, but i wanted to keep the question as brief as possible, so it may seem emotionless.

 

He is my first love and closest friend. We've known each other for going on 8 years. I love him to death. I am just as hurt by this. We have equally hurt each other.

 

I really want to fix this. It's been two weeks, going on three since our last encounter. I wanted to give him space initially, feeling like the victim. But now i am a bit more open minded and understanding that I am NOT a victim and that I have unintentionally hurt him. I am deeply sorry. I want to mend things, but idk if it is right to reach out to him again seeing as though he didn't want to speak to me in the moment, but some time has passed. Idk what to do..... I want to fix this more than anything!

[Satu]

It might be more accurate to say that your ego hurt his ego.

[dyna85]

First of all, as much as you want to fix this, I'm not sure if you need to fix anything. I mean the breakup is on his terms as you say and not your choice at all and you still care for him deeply and I surmise you still wish you were together with him? If that is the case, and you and he were just friends (with benefits) per his choice, and you've been okay with the arrangement, you owe him nothing.

 

The fact that he's so butthurt over your commentary about the HS crush tells me he's insecure and jealous and passive aggressive (the last element is evidenced by him simmering for 2 wks before expressing his upset over the matter).

 

If I were you, I'm not sure what I would do. Obviously, you could leave him to his own devices since he essentially cooked his own goose by overreacting when you're not even together (per his choice), or you could attempt to ease his wounded pride and contact him to reiterate that you meant no harm when discussing this harmless crush.

 

He sounds like he's being a bit of a baby though and needs to get over it, and you seem by contrast incredibly self aware and mature in your analysis of the situation and in the manner in which you've handled it thus far. You apologized to try to salvage things and to be understanding and you asked him to think it through and if he were acting out of anger, and he in turn shut you off? Yeah, he's definitely got some maturing to do, so not sure if you can help him with that...

 

You handled it with maturity & grace. Good on you.

[SoulflowerChloe]

First of all, as much as you want to fix this, I'm not sure if you need to fix anything. I mean the breakup is on his terms as you say and not your choice at all and you still care for him deeply and I surmise you still wish you were together with him? If that is the case, and you and he were just friends (with benefits) per his choice, and you've been okay with the arrangement, you owe him nothing.

 

The fact that he's so butthurt over your commentary about the HS crush tells me he's insecure and jealous and passive aggressive (the last element is evidenced by him simmering for 2 wks before expressing his upset over the matter).

 

If I were you, I'm not sure what I would do. Obviously, you could leave him to his own devices since he essentially cooked his own goose by overreacting when you're not even together (per his choice), or you could attempt to ease his wounded pride and contact him to reiterate that you meant no harm when discussing this harmless crush.

 

He sounds like he's being a bit of a baby though and needs to get over it, and you seem by contrast incredibly self aware and mature in your analysis of the situation and in the manner in which you've handled it thus far. You apologized to try to salvage things and to be understanding and you asked him to think it through and if he were acting out of anger, and he in turn shut you off? Yeah, he's definitely got some maturing to do, so not sure if you can help him with that...

 

You handled it with maturity & grace. Good on you.

 

Thank you. You've made me feel a little better. I have a tendancy to be hard on myself and take on a world's worth of guilt and blame when it takes two to tango.

 

Having said that, I still feel contemplated too. you two courses of action epitomize my mindset right now. On one hand, I feel like we weren't together and were friends and that him getting upset is on his emotions. The other part of me that finds it difficult to lose something that matters so much to me wants to be sensitive to his emotions and accepting of him being human and me not being perfect. The biggest thing is our lack of communication right now. I feel like if I spoke with him, I would know which path is better to take. I can understand why he didnt want to speak with me in the moment. I am debating whether enough time has passed on his end and whether I should reach out.

[SoulflowerChloe]

It might be more accurate to say that your ego hurt his ego.

 

My ego hurt his ego? explain please.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Another worry of mine is waiting too late to fix things.... I'd rather he understand clearly my perspective before he settles his mind on his one-sided perception of everything.

[dyna85]

Thank you. You've made me feel a little better. I have a tendancy to be hard on myself and take on a world's worth of guilt and blame when it takes two to tango.

 

Having said that, I still feel contemplated too. you two courses of action epitomize my mindset right now. On one hand, I feel like we weren't together and were friends and that him getting upset is on his emotions. The other part of me that finds it difficult to lose something that matters so much to me wants to be sensitive to his emotions and accepting of him being human and me not being perfect. The biggest thing is our lack of communication right now. I feel like if I spoke with him, I would know which path is better to take. I can understand why he didnt want to speak with me in the moment. I am debating whether enough time has passed on his end and whether I should reach out.

 

I think enough time has definitely passed if it's been 2 wks, and I don't think you have anything to lose, if you're okay with him continuing to retreat like a baby and/or be non responsive to your continued effort to salvage the connection, in case he isn't receptive to your compassion. I think you're obviously a kind person to care so much and to want to try to salvage the matter and to be willing to be the bigger person, in spite of doing nothing wrong. He'd certainly be lucky to have someone like you in his life and is definitely one down if he chooses to cut you out over this.

[dyna85]

Another worry of mine is waiting too late to fix things.... I'd rather he understand clearly my perspective before he settles his mind on his one-sided perception of everything.

 

I think you definitely gave him the opportunity by trying to apologize and pretty much asking him the things you did to confirm he was settled. However, I think if you want to follow up on it, the earlier the better, and I certainly think 2 wks is not too late.

[SoulflowerChloe]

I think enough time has definitely passed if it's been 2 wks, and I don't think you have anything to lose, if you're okay with him continuing to retreat like a baby and/or be non responsive to your continued effort to salvage the connection, in case he isn't receptive to your compassion. I think you're obviously a kind person to care so much and to want to try to salvage the matter and to be willing to be the bigger person, in spite of doing nothing wrong. He'd certainly be lucky to have someone like you in his life and is definitely one down if he chooses to cut you out over this.

 

Thank you. Your words are calming me. I am starting to feel better about this. How would you recommend that I go about contacting him? What should I say? Text, call, Facetime? I know that I am going to calm down and journal a bit before so that if we do speak, i will be focused and less emotionally driven.

[dyna85]

Thank you. Your words are calming me. I am starting to feel better about this. How would you recommend that I go about contacting him? What should I say? Text, call, Facetime? I know that I am going to calm down and journal a bit before so that if we do speak, i will be focused and less emotionally driven.

 

Honestly, your words are calming to me and I wish I could be as composed and brave as you with expressing yourself. Just the way you handled it with him thus far is much better than I would have handled it. I'm trying to be more like you in my interactions, but it doesn't always pan out for me.

 

I would say that you should do whatever your heart and mind tell you to do. Only you know the best approach and the best timing.

 

Also, only do it if you feel it's the right thing to do and are okay with whatever the outcome, because if he doesn't respond (and he very well may not since he's made it clear that he's made up his mind to cut you off completely despite you trying to discuss the matter), it's probably going to hurt. I think that would be my only hesitation, since I'm pretty big on my pride and have a hard time sacrificing my pride to appease others. That's where I admire you.

 

If you're absolutely okay with any outcome, even his continued silence and blocking/ignoring of you, then I would say all is good and best of luck in the way that you plan to approach it.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Honestly, your words are calming to me and I wish I could be as composed and brave as you with expressing yourself. Just the way you handled it with him thus far is much better than I would have handled it. I'm trying to be more like you in my interactions, but it doesn't always pan out for me.

 

I would say that you should do whatever your heart and mind tell you to do. Only you know the best approach and the best timing.

 

Also, only do it if you feel it's the right thing to do and are okay with whatever the outcome, because if he doesn't respond (and he very well may not since he's made it clear that he's made up his mind to cut you off completely despite you trying to discuss the matter), it's probably going to hurt. I think that would be my only hesitation, since I'm pretty big on my pride and have a hard time sacrificing my pride to appease others. That's where I admire you.

 

If you're absolutely okay with any outcome, even his continued silence and blocking/ignoring of you, then I would say all is good and best of luck in the way that you plan to approach it.

 

 

 

I've learned to respond like this the hard way -- many past experiences of handling things in much, much worse ways.

 

I'll send him a text first as an invitation. I know that he would not answer if I called him/video chatted him first. It would be too confrontational for him. If he does not respond, I'll at least know that I've tried. It may hurt initially, but I'll feel better knowing that I tried all that I could. If he reads the message and doesn't respond, all i can do is give him more time. I know he cares about me and loves me. He just may not want to right now. I can only have faith and love him from a distance while hoping for the best.

[Redhead14]

Hello. So prior to our recent falling out, my ex and I were back in contact after a previous breakup. We were just friends ( insisted by him) but we were sleeping together.

 

During a conversation one day, we were talking about regrets and I mentioned to him that I wondered how my life would be had I given an old crush a chance during high school. (My ex also attended high school with me, but we were just friends at the time. We didn't seriously date until after HS). In the moment, he had no problem with the statements and engaged in convo with me.

 

After 2 weeks of not speaking with him, he sent me a long, heated message basically saying that he wanted nothing to do with me because of what I mentioned in that conversation. I was shocked, as the message came out of no where. I asked him to think it through and asked if he was acting out of anger, but he insisted that he was good on his decision. I apologized to him in attempt to salvage things and be understanding, but he would not communicate with me. He stopped replying and I believe that he blocked me. It's been about 2 weeks or so since then.

 

I am confused by all of this. If he and I are not together (HIS choice), why did he respond like this?

 

I apologized to him in attempt to salvage things and be understanding -- making an apology for anything without being sincerely sorry and demonstrating that you understand what you did was hurtful, is simply being condescending and that comes across. If you don't understand what you're apologizing for, don't apologize.

 

Secondly, having a conversation like this over text is disrespectful and cowardly, IMO. If you have something to say to someone, come to them and have an adult, face to face conversation. Doing anything else is immature and isn't treating the subject matter with the level of importance it deserves.

 

Forget about him. Find yourself a friend who knows how to communicate.

[mightycpa]

Thank you for your response. It sounds about right, but I have to correct you on one thing.

 

First of all, as much as you want to fix this, I'm not sure if you need to fix anything. I mean the breakup is on his terms as you say and not your choice at all and you still care for him deeply and I surmise you still wish you were together with him?

So which is it? Did you break it off with him first, or did he break it off with you, in the INITIAL breakup?? I think that makes a world of difference in the story.

 

If it was all him, then I'd say he's being childish. But if you severed the relationship, that can cause a lot of damage, and you might have to forgive a good bit of oversensitivity when you attempt a rekindling or reconciliation.

 

Unless, of course, you don't want it that badly. You know, sometimes enough is too much.

 

Anyway, I think there's a big difference.

Edited January 19, 2016 by mightycpa

[dyna85]

I apologized to him in attempt to salvage things and be understanding -- making an apology for anything without being sincerely sorry and demonstrating that you understand what you did was hurtful, is simply being condescending and that comes across. If you don't understand what you're apologizing for, don't apologize.

 

Secondly, having a conversation like this over text is disrespectful and cowardly, IMO. If you have something to say to someone, come to them and have an adult, face to face conversation. Doing anything else is immature and isn't treating the subject matter with the level of importance it deserves.

 

Forget about him. Find yourself a friend who knows how to communicate.

 

Redhead, I think sometimes it is good to apologize to be understanding. In this case, she didn't do anything wrong so it seems she was trying to explain it to him but he wasn't open to it.

 

Also, she said she was going to text to open the door to communication, not to further discuss the issue.

 

Also, I think it's her right to not just forget about him. I mean, if everyone had that same mindset, then why not just kick everyone to the curb who doesn't know how to communicate? Everyone has issues and it's about trying to work through them. No one in this world is perfect.

 

I do, however, agree she should forget him if he does continue with this blocking her and refusing to compromise when she didn't mean any harm by what she said. However, I can understand her desire to want to resolve the issue with him.

 

Sometimes it's less important to be right and better to just work things out with people, since life is too short.

[SoulflowerChloe]

So which is it? Did you break it off with him first, or did he break it off with you, in the INITIAL breakup?? I think that makes a world of difference in the story.

 

If it was all him, then I'd say he's being childish. But if you severed the relationship, that can cause a lot of damage, and you might have to forgive a good bit of oversensitivity when you attempt a rekindling or reconciliation.

 

Unless, of course, you don't want it that badly. You know, sometimes enough is too much.

 

Anyway, I think there's a big difference.

 

When you say initial breakup, do you mean the fall out two weeks prior to this recent one?

[SoulflowerChloe]

Redhead, I think sometimes it is good to apologize to be understanding. In this case, she didn't do anything wrong so it seems she was trying to explain it to him but he wasn't open to it.

 

Also, she said she was going to text to open the door to communication, not to further discuss the issue.

 

Also, I think it's her right to not just forget about him. I mean, if everyone had that same mindset, then why not just kick everyone to the curb who doesn't know how to communicate? Everyone has issues and it's about trying to work through them. No one in this world is perfect.

 

I do, however, agree she should forget him if he does continue with this blocking her and refusing to compromise when she didn't mean any harm by what she said. However, I can understand her desire to want to resolve the issue with him.

 

Sometimes it's less important to be right and better to just work things out with people, since life is too short.

 

 

You understand! *sigh*... That is exactly what im feeling. I understand that his feelings may be hurt, but It really was an innocent thing on my end. My wondering about an old crush was in no way me saying "i regret you". It was curiosity that arose during a flowing conversation. I simply said i wonder how that would've panned out. It wasn't a shot at him.

 

If I have to move on and act like this never existed in the end, I guess I will. But in the mean time, I am just trying to figure things out and be mature about this. I don't want this to crumble like that.

[SoulflowerChloe]

So which is it? Did you break it off with him first, or did he break it off with you, in the INITIAL breakup?? I think that makes a world of difference in the story.

 

If it was all him, then I'd say he's being childish. But if you severed the relationship, that can cause a lot of damage, and you might have to forgive a good bit of oversensitivity when you attempt a rekindling or reconciliation.

 

Unless, of course, you don't want it that badly. You know, sometimes enough is too much.

 

Anyway, I think there's a big difference.

 

The very first breakup (November 2014), I ended it. I ended it because we were arguing a lot over him actually wanting to commit to being in the relationship. He would go back and forth saying that he loved me and wanted to be with me to "GIGS" type issues. I felt like he didn't really want to be here, so I did what I felt like he didn't have the courage to do.

[Redhead14]

Redhead, I think sometimes it is good to apologize to be understanding. In this case, she didn't do anything wrong so it seems she was trying to explain it to him but he wasn't open to it.

 

Also, she said she was going to text to open the door to communication, not to further discuss the issue.

 

Also, I think it's her right to not just forget about him. I mean, if everyone had that same mindset, then why not just kick everyone to the curb who doesn't know how to communicate? Everyone has issues and it's about trying to work through them. No one in this world is perfect.

 

I do, however, agree she should forget him if he does continue with this blocking her and refusing to compromise when she didn't mean any harm by what she said. However, I can understand her desire to want to resolve the issue with him.

 

Sometimes it's less important to be right and better to just work things out with people, since life is too short.

 

I'm not saying she did any harm. I'm just saying that she shouldn't have apologized if she didn't do anything wrong and she didn't. If he had intentions of developing a romantic relationship with her again, he sure as heck wasn't being clear about that so she was just talking to her "friend". So, that another strike against him in terms of being able to communicate effectively . . .

[SoulflowerChloe]

I'm not saying she did any harm. I'm just saying that she shouldn't have apologized if she didn't do anything wrong and she didn't. If he had intentions of developing a romantic relationship with her again, he sure as heck wasn't being clear about that so she was just talking to her "friend". So, that another strike against him in terms of being able to communicate effectively . . .

 

That's how I saw it, me talking to a a friend. Yeah, that may have made him feel some type of way, but if he insisted we were just friends, is it right for him to project his feelings on me? idk...

[SoulflowerChloe]

An update:

 

I reached out to him thorough text. Apparently, I am still blocked. There is nothing I can do. I have to just proceed with living. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe he's doesn't want to deal with it right now.. or ever. I don't know. What I do know is that I explained myself when he first sent the message, and I attempted to reach out just now. All in all, I've done what I could. Now I have to just try hard to focus on other things. It hurts, but I have no choice but to be okay.

[moebius]

About what to do to fix this I can't say something new.

 

But you and others here keep focusing on the fact that you where friends when you told him about your old crush. And you were friends by the time you had that crush. Well, the mind doesn't work like that. We all wish it would, but it doesn't.

 

Have you ever thought about the possibility of him being in love with you by the time you had that crush on highschool? Can you be 100% percent sure you were only friends (in his mind) then in the past and now when you said this?

 

From his reaction I guess he is not all that sure about it. Maybe he was in love with you in highschool and/or he is now. To the point of feeling overly-jealous about your comment of giving a try to this other dude. Let's say my hypothesis is true. After what you said he thought "I was in love with her whilest she was fancying other guy. And now, after having gone thought a relationship with me she starts thinking what could have been life with this guy. Which would, of course, mean a life without me"

 

All I want to do is give you a possible explanation about what he did. I'm not saying he's the right to do it.

[SoulflowerChloe]

About what to do to fix this I can't say something new.

 

But you and others here keep focusing on the fact that you where friends when you told him about your old crush. And you were friends by the time you had that crush. Well, the mind doesn't work like that. We all wish it would, but it doesn't.

 

Have you ever thought about the possibility of him being in love with you by the time you had that crush on highschool? Can you be 100% percent sure you were only friends (in his mind) then in the past and now when you said this?

 

From his reaction I guess he is not all that sure about it. Maybe he was in love with you in highschool and/or he is now. To the point of feeling overly-jealous about your comment of giving a try to this other dude. Let's say my hypothesis is true. After what you said he thought "I was in love with her whilest she was fancying other guy. And now, after having gone thought a relationship with me she starts thinking what could have been life with this guy. Which would, of course, mean a life without me"

 

All I want to do is give you a possible explanation about what he did. I'm not saying he's the right to do it.

 

He probably does feel like this, bringing about insecurity and a trust issue. But idk what to do anymore. I've explained myself. Idk if he willever come to his senses or feel differently about the situation. His insecurity may have him thinking that, but I tried to assure him that it was a fleeting thought.