Should I break up with him? Need perspective.

[magnolialove]

I want to be clear that this is not a daily occurrence. It's happened a handful of times in the (nearly) three months we've lived together. -- You are minimizing!

 

it's similar to the way my dad treated me, and I have a bad habit of collapsing when a man yells at me like that and treats me like I know nothing. -- So you have to tell yourself that that was then and this is now. He's not your Dad and you aren't a child anymore.

 

It's definitely not ok with me, that's why I'm leaving. -- Keep this in the forefront of your mind at all times. Let nothing else take over.

 

I'm going to do my best to be stronger in the future -- Your "future" starts now, the day/minute you do what you need to do with this one.

 

This post brought tears to my eyes. You are right, a thousand times. Thank you for this. I will remember these words.

[katiegrl]

I am definitely working on my confidence. I lost so much of it being ill for several years and being stomped on in a crummy marriage and being yelled at constantly by my dad when I was younger, but I am actively trying to build it up now. I can't afford therapy yet, but I'm getting involved in things like running 5k races, going to yoga class, and trying to talk to friends more.

 

One reason I didn't try harder to shut it down the first time it happened is because I was terrified of losing my place to live--I had just moved four states away and lost part of my monthly income, so I was really scared of that. I also thought "maybe I'm wrong," which, YES, is stupid! I can see that now. When I think of living independently again, I feel really excited. You know, I was the happiest I've ever been, and most confident, after I kicked my husband out and lived alone. If I had my own place right now I would break up with him in a heartbeat and never look back, honestly. I just didn't have the money to get my own place when I moved closer to him, which was definitely a mistake, I know now. But at least it means I'm not locked into a long lease in a city I hate.

 

I still want "It All" but not so much that I'm willing to do this again ^^; No more abuse! In future relationships I will be VERY wary of moving in together.. and definitely no more LDRs or email relationships.

 

This is so good to hear! Better late than never!

 

You sound like a beautiful sensitive, perceptive person and I KNOW you will come of this on top. I just know it.

 

Good things await!

[magnolialove]

Okay and apologies if I sounded harsh. My dad was awesome, never even raised his voice to me....so if a man were to get in my face and start yelling at me, even once..... for me that would be a deal-breaker, immediate turn off. No matter how attracted to him I was initially.

 

But since you were brought up in that type of environment, your reaction is more understandable.

 

Abusive men like your boyfriend are actually weak and insecure, did you know that? That is why they have this need to find weak women and lord it over them. To feel strong, and powerful. When inside, it's the exact opposite. They feel weak and powerless...and insecure.

 

I am so happy to hear you are leaving and putting this behind you. I wish you all the best in your journey to peace and happiness.

 

((hugs))

 

No worries! I am counting down the days until I leave (3) and am in constant contact with my mom and best friend for support and strategizing. I would leave sooner, but my dad is going to be my escort to get my stuff and he is out of town on business for a while.

 

I believe that! Everyone is telling me it sounds like he wants a subservient wife, which certainly seems to be the case. He also gets offended so easily and is so sensitive, which really makes me believe he is totally insecure.

 

I feel truly ready to make this leap. I'm eating more today and trying my best to ignore his comments about my appetite. I think a turning point came in my yoga class when I felt too weak to keep up. I suddenly thought "This is ridiculous. You need to EAT! How can you do what you love (yoga) if you are too frail to keep up?"

 

By the way, I am blown away by the support and advice I've received here. Thank you all SO MUCH!! You are an amazing group of people and I wish I could know you in real life so I could hug you all and give you banana bread

[katiegrl]

No worries! I am counting down the days until I leave (3) and am in constant contact with my mom and best friend for support and strategizing. I would leave sooner, but my dad is going to be my escort to get my stuff and he is out of town on business for a while.

 

I believe that! Everyone is telling me it sounds like he wants a subservient wife, which certainly seems to be the case. He also gets offended so easily and is so sensitive, which really makes me believe he is totally insecure.

 

I feel truly ready to make this leap. I'm eating more today and trying my best to ignore his comments about my appetite. I think a turning point came in my yoga class when I felt too weak to keep up. I suddenly thought "This is ridiculous. You need to EAT! How can you do what you love (yoga) if you are too frail to keep up?"

 

By the way, I am blown away by the support and advice I've received here. Thank you all SO MUCH!! You are an amazing group of people and I wish I could know you in real life so I could hug you all and give you banana bread

 

The feeling is mutual! :)

[Miss Peach]

Most controlling men are insecure. I think you're correct with that assessment. This is how abuse starts. They can't be crummy instantly or no one would get hooked. What you are seeing in his behavior will not change (unless he wants to do that work - something he has no incentive to do at this point). It is likely to get worse as he feels he has you more and more on the hook. I have been in two abusive relationships. Just a few bad moments from time to time is how it starts.

 

I would be very wary of moving in together with someone in less than a year. If you read experts like Pay Allen they say it takes a year to spot most personality disorders.

 

I found therapy felt too slow for me to be the sole source of helping me. I am someone who really likes to learn everything I can and digest things on my own. I highly recommend ready 'Why Does He Do That'. It's a great source to understanding control and manipulation and the different variations it take. I also recommend reading Natalie Lue. She has some books and a free blog. Her articles really helped me with self esteem. With a combination of know what behaviors are red flag and self-esteem, it will help you avoid going into another relationship like this. A lot of women fall right into another abusive relationship unless they do some work to make that dynamic unattractive.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Miss Peach]

Also, when leaving an abusive person is when the behavior is most likely to escalate. Make sure to always bring support and keep things to public places. He will be less likely to act out in front of an audience typically. One of the guys I referenced I wasn't even dating and he was a foreigner. It didn't keep him in line - he was still very abusive. I wouldn't rely on that as he will feel he's losing control.

 

If you can get your stuff out when he isn't home and then just meet him in public to return the key (or have a friend/relative help) I would consider that. It's very likely he will make your move out as difficult as possible, not be home, etc.

 

Also, he is very likely to shift tactics to make you stay. He may escalate. He may act sweet. Etc. It's actually a common way that abusers try to suck people back into the relationship.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, I'd avoid direct confrontation because he could convince you to stay or abuse you. I'd take what I can and leave and send a message later. And/or always have someone with you in the aftermath.

[magnolialove]

Also, when leaving an abusive person is when the behavior is most likely to escalate. Make sure to always bring support and keep things to public places. He will be less likely to act out in front of an audience typically. One of the guys I referenced I wasn't even dating and he was a foreigner. It didn't keep him in line - he was still very abusive. I wouldn't rely on that as he will feel he's losing control.

 

If you can get your stuff out when he isn't home and then just meet him in public to return the key (or have a friend/relative help) I would consider that. It's very likely he will make your move out as difficult as possible, not be home, etc.

 

Also, he is very likely to shift tactics to make you stay. He may escalate. He may act sweet. Etc. It's actually a common way that abusers try to suck people back into the relationship.

 

I really appreciate this perspective. The more I think about it, the more concerned I get about it escalating, especially since he's gotten so angry about stupid, meaningless things before. I know he's going to try to make me stay and logic me out of leaving. I suspect you're right about him making it difficult for me. I think I can get my parents and/or brother to be on standby--I will check and make sure someone can at least be nearby if need be. I guess it's prudent to be careful. I'd like to think it will go off without a hitch, but I know that is naive thinking.

[magnolialove]

Yeah, I'd avoid direct confrontation because he could convince you to stay or abuse you. I'd take what I can and leave and send a message later. And/or always have someone with you in the aftermath.

 

Thank you! I have a feeling this will be the best way, given his track record thus far.

[Eighty_nine]

I want to be clear that this is not a daily occurrence. It's happened a handful of times in the (nearly) three months we've lived together. -- You are minimizing!

 

it's similar to the way my dad treated me, and I have a bad habit of collapsing when a man yells at me like that and treats me like I know nothing. -- So you have to tell yourself that that was then and this is now. He's not your Dad and you aren't a child anymore.

 

It's definitely not ok with me, that's why I'm leaving. -- Keep this in the forefront of your mind at all times. Let nothing else take over.

 

I'm going to do my best to be stronger in the future -- Your "future" starts now, the day/minute you do what you need to do with this one.

 

I don't like that people are questioning "how she could stay with a man like this!" first- she's here because she knows she needs to leave! Secondly, it's so easy to say from the outside looking in, but ending any kind of relationship is hard. Even a bad one. And OP saying it has happened a handful of times is not minimizing it, if that's how many times it happened! People do fight, relationships are difficult at times, even good ones. It can be a blurry line between normal relationship conflict and abusive conflict-- and that's OK. As long as you are not in imminent danger, it's alright to take a little time to figure out what's happening in a relationship and if it is acceptable, and it sounds like OP did just that and has rightfully decided that his behavior toward her is unhealthy and emotionally abusive. I think it's better to recognize this than say "omg how could you stay with him for one second!"- things like that.

 

Now, if OP had been going through this for a couple of years and thought there might still be a chance for them, I'd approach it a little differently. We all have to know ourselves and our own boundaries, and these things really are important learning experiences, painful as they may be.

 

I've been there OP: in one relationship where I just was not in love with him, and in another where there was love there but I had 'outgrown' us and our arguments were escalating (toward an abusive nature). I stayed tooooo long! Good for you for knowing now that you need to get out.

Edited January 19, 2016 by lissvarna