Should I break up with him? Need perspective.

[magnolialove]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm 31 years old and divorced. About a year and a half ago, I started emailing with a guy I met online who lived several states away. We were long-distance for a long time, only exchanging messages at first for about 8 months and then meeting every 6-8 weeks for a weekend. We emailed nearly every single day, although pretty much never spoke on the phone and never did video chat. I was craving a stable relationship and really wanted to get married again, especially coming into my 30s. After meeting several times and then me spending almost a week at his place, we decided to move in together. This meant me quitting one of my jobs (I worked 3 at the time--one office job and two online jobs) and moving four states away. That was about 3 months ago, in October. Since then, I have felt lost and depressed. I've been trying to get involved in the community by joining a yoga studio and being active, but I hate living in the northern US (I'm a southern girl). His apartment is tiny and he said we could get a new place when his lease was up in December, and I wanted to talk about that, but he suddenly renewed it without talking to me about it at all.

 

Since moving in together, I've come to realize my feelings for him are not nearly as strong as his are for me. He is kind and loving and a good provider, but I don't feel a spark. Our senses of humor do not match. I also feel I can't be myself around him because he gets really angry if I get upset or annoyed at any little thing, such as being annoyed that the kitchen is too small. He takes offense easily and takes things very personally and turns defensive easily. We have had several big fights that he has started and have ended with me crying my eyes out. Two of our fights have been because I made a comment about a TV character being dumb and him telling me I didn't understand and could never understand and I had no right to have an opinion. The show we were watching was a Japanese one, and he is Japanese (I'm American) but I have spent much of my life in Japan and I speak the language and understand the culture fairly well, yet he suddenly turned on me when I made an offhand remark about a character I thought was being silly. He yelled and wouldn't listen to my side and lectured me until I cried. I might add that I am not a big crier in general. We have had other similar fights where I am confused and he starts in on me and I end up incredibly upset. The fights are not frequent, but we have had several in the three months since I've lived there.

 

He is clingy and never wants to be apart. If I want to go to my parents' house on the weekend, he is offended if I don't invite him and constantly sends me messages about how much he misses me. He also asks for constant affirmation that I'm "his", for example, "You're mine? Completely mine? No one else touches you? No one else will ever touch you?" He is also very clear that we will get married this year, although he hasn't proposed. That was my original intention when we moved in together, but as time goes on I feel less and less like I want to marry him, even though it would mean financial security.

 

I should also add that there a a bunch of little things that annoy me a lot. I don't like how he kisses, he has very little sense of humor, he touches me way too much for my comfort level, he is much more sexual than I am, and I can't stand that he wants to be together 24/7. I feel like I'm being kept in a cage. I still work my online jobs from the apartment, but he tries to work from home several days a week too so we can be together. He doesn't like me to go to the grocery store by myself and will come home early so we can go together. He is also borderline alcoholic and has to have a minimum of three drinks an evening, every single day. He freaks out if the beer supply is remotely low.

I also have struggled with depression and anorexia for years, and he has made it clear that he hates mental illness and people who have any form of mental illness. He has also made it clear that it's important that I stay thin for him. He constantly talks about my body and how good it is and how other guys must be so jealous of him, which is flattering but not helpful for my mental state or history. It's to the point where I'm afraid to eat and I walk on eggshells so as not to let him discover I'm depressed. I have lost weight since living with him (I'm underweight) and am feeling worse and worse. I miss my old city and friends and job. I recently thought about how I'd feel if he were to propose to me, and I suddenly felt like I didn't want to be with him. I don't know if most of this is fear of commitment or too much too quickly or incompatibility or what, I just feel trapped and fantasize about having my own place again and going back to my old job. I constantly want to cry and I feel shaky from the stress.

 

Should I give it more time? Am I being hasty? I feel like I've invested a lot of time and effort in this, but I also know I am not happy. I'm just tired of crying and feeling like I need to pretend to be someone who is always happy and sweet, because it's just not me. I also feel terrified of breaking up, though, because I wanted him to be the one and he's not a terrible person and I've already been divorced once. I would really appreciate any advice and perspective.

[CarrieT]

The mistake you made was by moving in with him instead of moving into your own place and getting to know each other In Real Life.

 

You met online and each of you established fantasy ideas of each other. For you, it didn't pan out.

 

Inasmuch, I wouldn't exert that much more energy into somebody who isn't what you want...

[xcupid]

Sorry to say but it sounds like you two are not compatible. If you're experiencing these problems now, imagine what it would be like married to him. You have to make a decision that makes you feel good about yourself and your life. Good luck!

[angel.eyes]

...I constantly want to cry and I feel shaky from the stress.

 

...I feel like I've invested a lot of time and effort in this, but I also know I am not happy. I'm just tired of crying and feeling like I need to pretend to be someone who is always happy and sweet, because it's just not me. I also feel terrified of breaking up, though, because I wanted him to be the one and he's not a terrible person and I've already been divorced once. I would really appreciate any advice and perspective.

Just because you want him to be the one doesn't mean he is. Unfortunately, the LDR fantasy ultimately didn't match reality for you.

 

You guys aren't compatible. Rather than bringing out the best in you, he's exacerbating things you struggle with (depression, anorexia). The relationship has run its course. Time to let go and find someone who is a better fit.

[smackie9]

Start looking for your own place or move in with your parents temporarily.......but don't tell him right away. He sounds like the kind of person that will turn aggressive. Move your stuff out while he is at work then make a quick call to part ways.

[Robratory]

You ask if you should break up with him. But what is the alternative? Read what you wrote. How long is someone supposed to put up with that? Give it time? Time for what? What you describe is not supposed to happen for even one day in a good relationship. Don't let anyone treat you that way!

 

And read what Smackie wrote above. Being a guy, I didn't even think of that.

[magnolialove]

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies. I really appreciate it! Sometimes it's too easy to doubt yourself and get lost in your own head. I do feel like my gut is telling me to run, so I am working on an exit plan. Later this week I'm going to grab what I can and put it in my car and stay at my parents' place. I'll email him from there and then my dad and brother will go up next week with me to get the rest of my stuff. My dad is the one who suggested this, for which I am so grateful. I'll stay at their house probably for a couple of weeks and then try to regroup and go back to my old city. I spoke with my old boss and he said they would love to have me back, which really helps I feel like it's time to rebuild the confidence.

 

I was thinking this morning that "the love fades from all relationships eventually" and then I remembered, it's only been 3 months and we should still be in the honeymoon phase!! It shouldn't go that quickly!! And try as I might to be affectionate and loving, when I look at him, I know I don't love him. And neither he nor I deserve that kind of relationship.

 

smackie9, thank you so much for pointing this out. When he gets angry, he yells in my face and takes an aggressive stance and I can't say anything at all. I'd like to think he's not the type to get aggressive, but I'm going to be careful as you suggested, just in case. He's not a terrible guy, but, as angel.eyes and xcupid said, I think we're just not compatible. The next few weeks are going to be tough, but I think it will be for the best.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm 31 years old and divorced. About a year and a half ago, I started emailing with a guy I met online who lived several states away. We were long-distance for a long time, only exchanging messages at first for about 8 months and then meeting every 6-8 weeks for a weekend. We emailed nearly every single day, although pretty much never spoke on the phone and never did video chat. I was craving a stable relationship and really wanted to get married again, especially coming into my 30s. After meeting several times and then me spending almost a week at his place, we decided to move in together. This meant me quitting one of my jobs (I worked 3 at the time--one office job and two online jobs) and moving four states away. That was about 3 months ago, in October. Since then, I have felt lost and depressed. I've been trying to get involved in the community by joining a yoga studio and being active, but I hate living in the northern US (I'm a southern girl). His apartment is tiny and he said we could get a new place when his lease was up in December, and I wanted to talk about that, but he suddenly renewed it without talking to me about it at all.

 

Since moving in together, I've come to realize my feelings for him are not nearly as strong as his are for me. He is kind and loving and a good provider, but I don't feel a spark. Our senses of humor do not match. I also feel I can't be myself around him because he gets really angry if I get upset or annoyed at any little thing, such as being annoyed that the kitchen is too small. He takes offense easily and takes things very personally and turns defensive easily. We have had several big fights that he has started and have ended with me crying my eyes out. Two of our fights have been because I made a comment about a TV character being dumb and him telling me I didn't understand and could never understand and I had no right to have an opinion. The show we were watching was a Japanese one, and he is Japanese (I'm American) but I have spent much of my life in Japan and I speak the language and understand the culture fairly well, yet he suddenly turned on me when I made an offhand remark about a character I thought was being silly. He yelled and wouldn't listen to my side and lectured me until I cried. I might add that I am not a big crier in general. We have had other similar fights where I am confused and he starts in on me and I end up incredibly upset. The fights are not frequent, but we have had several in the three months since I've lived there.

 

He is clingy and never wants to be apart. If I want to go to my parents' house on the weekend, he is offended if I don't invite him and constantly sends me messages about how much he misses me. He also asks for constant affirmation that I'm "his", for example, "You're mine? Completely mine? No one else touches you? No one else will ever touch you?" He is also very clear that we will get married this year, although he hasn't proposed. That was my original intention when we moved in together, but as time goes on I feel less and less like I want to marry him, even though it would mean financial security.

 

I should also add that there a a bunch of little things that annoy me a lot. I don't like how he kisses, he has very little sense of humor, he touches me way too much for my comfort level, he is much more sexual than I am, and I can't stand that he wants to be together 24/7. I feel like I'm being kept in a cage. I still work my online jobs from the apartment, but he tries to work from home several days a week too so we can be together. He doesn't like me to go to the grocery store by myself and will come home early so we can go together. He is also borderline alcoholic and has to have a minimum of three drinks an evening, every single day. He freaks out if the beer supply is remotely low.

I also have struggled with depression and anorexia for years, and he has made it clear that he hates mental illness and people who have any form of mental illness. He has also made it clear that it's important that I stay thin for him. He constantly talks about my body and how good it is and how other guys must be so jealous of him, which is flattering but not helpful for my mental state or history. It's to the point where I'm afraid to eat and I walk on eggshells so as not to let him discover I'm depressed. I have lost weight since living with him (I'm underweight) and am feeling worse and worse. I miss my old city and friends and job. I recently thought about how I'd feel if he were to propose to me, and I suddenly felt like I didn't want to be with him. I don't know if most of this is fear of commitment or too much too quickly or incompatibility or what, I just feel trapped and fantasize about having my own place again and going back to my old job. I constantly want to cry and I feel shaky from the stress.

 

Should I give it more time? Am I being hasty? I feel like I've invested a lot of time and effort in this, but I also know I am not happy. I'm just tired of crying and feeling like I need to pretend to be someone who is always happy and sweet, because it's just not me. I also feel terrified of breaking up, though, because I wanted him to be the one and he's not a terrible person and I've already been divorced once. I would really appreciate any advice and perspective.

 

You wouldn't be hasty for breaking up, but you were clearly hasty with moving in with him. The way the "relationship" developed was less that sufficient for building and growing a relationship to the point of moving in together.

 

You aren't terrified of breaking up the relationship with the MAN, you are terrified of breaking up with the MAN and the relationship you envisioned/wished/wish for.

 

Tell him you need to get centered and focused on yourself as a single, independent, secure woman again and that this isn't working for you. The longer you stay in a relationship that's stressing you out, the more likely it will decline to a point where both of your are simply unhappy and feeling stuck because it's easier to stay than to leave, at least on the surface of things.

 

How long were you unhappy in your marriage before you divorced? And, what were those circumstances?

[katiegrl]

Thank you so much for all the helpful replies. I really appreciate it! Sometimes it's too easy to doubt yourself and get lost in your own head. I do feel like my gut is telling me to run, so I am working on an exit plan. Later this week I'm going to grab what I can and put it in my car and stay at my parents' place. I'll email him from there and then my dad and brother will go up next week with me to get the rest of my stuff. My dad is the one who suggested this, for which I am so grateful. I'll stay at their house probably for a couple of weeks and then try to regroup and go back to my old city. I spoke with my old boss and he said they would love to have me back, which really helps I feel like it's time to rebuild the confidence.

 

I was thinking this morning that "the love fades from all relationships eventually" and then I remembered, it's only been 3 months and we should still be in the honeymoon phase!! It shouldn't go that quickly!! And try as I might to be affectionate and loving, when I look at him, I know I don't love him. And neither he nor I deserve that kind of relationship.

 

smackie9, thank you so much for pointing this out. When he gets angry, he yells in my face and takes an aggressive stance and I can't say anything at all. I'd like to think he's not the type to get aggressive, but I'm going to be careful as you suggested, just in case. He's not a terrible guy, but, as angel.eyes and xcupid said, I think we're just not compatible. The next few weeks are going to be tough, but I think it will be for the best.

 

magnolia .....I was SO happy to read this^^ ....it is 100% the right (and only) choice you have that makes any sense, in this otherwise crazy, confusing world of relationships.

 

Sounds like an excellent plan, and wish you the best moving forward! :)

[Robratory]

I was thinking this morning that "the love fades from all relationships eventually" . . . When he gets angry, he yells in my face and takes an aggressive stance and I can't say anything at all. I'd like to think he's not the type to get aggressive

 

You know, when you're back in your old city and your old job, I'm going to suggest that you seriously consider therapy. How you express yourself suggests you have an off view of what a relationship should be, and it also seems like you put yourself second always.

 

By the way, someone yelling in your face and taking an aggressive stance has already gotten aggressive. Why would you defend him and say you don't think he's the type to get aggressive? He very clearly is aggressive. Do you see how you actually take his side against yourself?

 

I don't know what kind of upbringing you had, but you say your parents are supportive. Have you ever seen your dad yelling in your mom's face? Where did you pick that acting like that was acceptable even once? That stuff comes out in therapy. I hope you can change your view of what a good relationship should be like.

[magnolialove]

You wouldn't be hasty for breaking up, but you were clearly hasty with moving in with him. The way the "relationship" developed was less that sufficient for building and growing a relationship to the point of moving in together.

 

You aren't terrified of breaking up the relationship with the MAN, you are terrified of breaking up with the MAN and the relationship you envisioned/wished/wish for.

 

Tell him you need to get centered and focused on yourself as a single, independent, secure woman again and that this isn't working for you. The longer you stay in a relationship that's stressing you out, the more likely it will decline to a point where both of your are simply unhappy and feeling stuck because it's easier to stay than to leave, at least on the surface of things.

 

How long were you unhappy in your marriage before you divorced? And, what were those circumstances?

 

I like how you framed it. And it's completely true, too--I do need to establish myself as an independent person.

 

I married my college boyfriend. We met when I was 18 and had explosive, awful fights all the time, broke up many times but kept getting back together and got married because I thought it was the "adult" thing to do. He never proposed--I came up with the idea and he went along with it. I wanted to leave him after a year or two of marriage but then I got very ill with a rare disease (POTS and a heart problem) and could do very little, so I waited around and worked on getting healthy and then finally left him. We were married for just under 6 years.

[magnolialove]

You know, when you're back in your old city and your old job, I'm going to suggest that you seriously consider therapy. How you express yourself suggests you have an off view of what a relationship should be, and it also seems like you put yourself second always.

 

By the way, someone yelling in your face and taking an aggressive stance has already gotten aggressive. Why would you defend him and say you don't think he's the type to get aggressive? He very clearly is aggressive. Do you see how you actually take his side against yourself?

 

I don't know what kind of upbringing you had, but you say your parents are supportive. Have you ever seen your dad yelling in your mom's face? Where did you pick that acting like that was acceptable even once? That stuff comes out in therapy. I hope you can change your view of what a good relationship should be like.

 

Thank you so much for the food for thought. I actually really want therapy but have not been able to afford it yet. I hope I can get to a good financial place so that it will be a possibility soon.

 

You're right, it is aggressive.. I guess I meant "violent," although I do see how aggression is just as bad in many cases. I can feel myself walking on eggshells so as not to trigger another mini-lecture or yelling.

 

My upbringing was not great. My parents stayed together but hated each other and talked about divorce frequently. My dad was never satisfied in one place, so we moved 15 times across 4 states before I went off to university. My dad was violent and often hurt my brothers and me and everyone was constantly yelling. I hated being at home and didn't feel safe. My dad also told me he hated me when I was 17 years old. My mom was always subservient but then would take her temper out on me when my dad wasn't around because she was so unhappy and frustrated. I remember working so hard in school and getting straight As and doing so many club activities and competitions to try to get them to be impressed by my accomplishments, but they don't value education much. I actually eloped with my ex because my mom wasn't speaking to me for months at that time. However, they have mellowed out a LOT over the past several years and my mom has apologized to me for so many things that happened. I think my dad feels bad too but can't express it, which is why he is trying to help me out and reach out to me now. I'm so happy they are there for me now, but I know my mindset is skewed because of everything I went through and I don't have a model of what a good relationship is. I'm trying to read all the self-help books and advice columns like Captain Awkward that I can to try to get to a healthier mental place so I can learn to love fully and maybe relax some of my type-A goal-driven mindset.

[brothers343]

There's a saying that you really don't know someone until you live with them. You say there's no chemistry anymore. You should leave before it gets worse. If you stay more problems will arise and instead of posting here that his still a great guy, you will be posting he used to be a great guy now I hate him. Some people are better off as friends and some are better off never talking to each other again. Which one do you want to be?

[Miss Peach]

There are so many red flags in your story I think you are right to do what you are doing.

 

I had done that at one time when young and I wish I hadn't as I got into a very similar situation to you. At least you have the ability to move back and put your life together.

 

I also recommend against any LDR just because you can't see each other in day to day life and situations. This helps so much IMO in figuring out what type of person you're with and how compatible you are.

[magnolialove]

Miss Peach, thank you. I wish I could have looked past my fantasy to see the red flags. It's definitely going to be difficult, financially, at first, but I am lucky that I have a little money to relocate. I think I'll stay away from LDRs in the future, ha!

 

brothers, I agree. I'm working on logistics so it will be a few days, but I don't want it to get worse. Things are already tense and I don't want this pressure cooker to explode.

[magnolialove]

Another question, if anyone is still reading: I want to break up via email because I know he'll yell at me if I do it in person and make me flustered and unable to think. My plan is to send the email at the end of this weekend and then get my stuff at the end of next week. Is this wise? Has anyone done this before? He doesn't seem the type to trash all my stuff, and since he's a foreigner here I don't think he'd want to risk getting into any legal trouble if he dumps my stuff somewhere, so I don't think it would be a problem, but a friend brought this up to me. I wish I could get everything out myself while he's at work, but it's just not possible since I never know when he's working from home and I can't do it all myself. It's a third-floor walk-up and there are a lot of boxes and some bookcases

[Redhead14]

Another question, if anyone is still reading: I want to break up via email because I know he'll yell at me if I do it in person and make me flustered and unable to think. My plan is to send the email at the end of this weekend and then get my stuff at the end of next week. Is this wise? Has anyone done this before? He doesn't seem the type to trash all my stuff, and since he's a foreigner here I don't think he'd want to risk getting into any legal trouble if he dumps my stuff somewhere, so I don't think it would be a problem, but a friend brought this up to me. I wish I could get everything out myself while he's at work, but it's just not possible since I never know when he's working from home and I can't do it all myself. It's a third-floor walk-up and there are a lot of boxes and some bookcases

 

The first step to being a secure, independent woman is being able to stand up for yourself, do what is necessary gracefully and with resolve. Do not email this to him. If you think this may get ugly, you ask him to meet you in a public place.

 

If can go there when he isn't around before the weekend, get all the things that are really important to you now. Or take them a little at time so it's not so obvious. Let him trash the rest if he's going to. If he's that volatile, you getting out of there is way more important than all that "stuff". It's just stuff. I just lost almost all my "stuff" when my house burnt down 2 days before Thanksgiving -- guess what, I've got new stuff.

 

If you have stuff there that is so important, then you ask when it would be a good time for you to come by and get it with an escort.

[magnolialove]

The first step to being a secure, independent woman is being able to stand up for yourself, do what is necessary gracefully and with resolve. Do not email this to him. If you think this may get ugly, you ask him to meet you in a public place.

 

If can go there when he isn't around before the weekend, get all the things that are really important to you now. Or take them a little at time so it's not so obvious. Let him trash the rest if he's going to. If he's that volatile, you getting out of there is way more important than all that "stuff". It's just stuff. I just lost almost all my "stuff" when my house burnt down 2 days before Thanksgiving -- guess what, I've got new stuff.

 

If you have stuff there that is so important, then you ask when it would be a good time for you to come by and get it with an escort.

 

I understand that, but I literally cannot talk when he starts yelling and talking over me and getting in my face. I try so hard, but he refuses to let me have the floor and all I can do it cry in frustration. This is why I think an email would be better. Plus, we started out on email and maintained a LDR solely through email for a very long time since he refused to ever Skype.

 

All of my possessions are here. I know I can get new stuff, but I don't want to if I don't have to. I don't have a ton, but it's more than I can fit in my car. I'm going to rent a trailer to get it. I'd like to take it a little at a time, but his apartment is 2.5 hours away from my parents' place, so it's not that easy. Of course this isn't going to stop me, it's just tricky

[katiegrl]

I understand that, but I literally cannot talk when he starts yelling and talking over me and getting in my face. I try so hard, but he refuses to let me have the floor and all I can do it cry in frustration. This is why I think an email would be better. Plus, we started out on email and maintained a LDR solely through email for a very long time since he refused to ever Skype.

 

 

I just have to ask -- how in the world did you ever allow yourself to remain in a situation like this? How were you rationalizing it in your head?

 

I mean.... it boggles my mind how a woman could ever remain in a RL with a guy like that....for even one second!

 

When you finally do get back on your own.... I hope you will seek some professional help to help you determine why and how you allowed yourself to remain as long as you have.

 

And for not recognizing that this is flat out emotional abuse....

 

I am not saying this to make you feel bad or anything.... I want you to understand yourself so that this NEVER EVER happens again.

 

Wish you the best going forward.... good luck!

Edited January 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I just have to ask -- how in the world did you ever allow yourself to remain in a situation like this? How were you rationalizing it in your head?

 

I mean.... it boggles my mind how a woman could ever remain in a RL with a guy like that....for even one second!

 

When you finally do get back on your own.... I hope you will seek some professional help to help you determine why and how you allowed yourself to remain as long as you have.

 

And for not recognizing that this is flat out emotional abuse....

 

I am not saying this to make you feel bad or anything.... I want you to understand yourself so that this NEVER EVER happens again.

 

Wish you the best going forward.... good luck!

 

I want you to understand yourself so that this NEVER EVER happens again -- this is one reason I'm suggesting that she do it in person. Stand up to him. Do it in public if she's that anxious. This is where the rubber meets the road for her in terms of feeling inner strength and a sense of independence and dignity or she may likely find herself in this position again. She needs to start some place, and now is the best time . . .

 

If he's physically harmed you in the past, then definitely do it in public. You can bring someone with you and have them stay near the door or outside the door if it's warm enough. But let him see your resolve. Pull it from deep down inside you. Be strong.

[katiegrl]

I want you to understand yourself so that this NEVER EVER happens again -- this is one reason I'm suggesting that she do it in person. Stand up to him. Do it in public if she's that anxious. This is where the rubber meets the road for her in terms of feeling inner strength and a sense of independence and dignity or she may likely find herself in this position again. She needs to start some place, and now is the best time . . .

 

If he's physically harmed you in the past, then definitely do it in public. You can bring someone with you and have them stay near the door or outside the door if it's warm enough. But let him see your resolve. Pull it from deep down inside you. Be strong.

 

Absolutely! OMG if this were me - he would not know what hit him! Not hit hit, but you know what I mean.

 

When he started yelling... I would get in HIS face right back and yell that his behavior has been flat out unacceptable and I AM DONE. IT'S OVER.

 

And if he ever tries to contact me again or find me, I will call the police.

 

In fact, if you had stood up to him the FIRST time he ever did this -- chances are his behavior would have stopped, because he would know you are STRONG and don't tolerate that type of BS.

 

Abusive men always have a way of finding weak, vulnerable women who are incapable of standing up to them. The irony is that once a woman allows herself to be treated that way.... he loses respect for her and feels justified in continuing the abuse!!

 

Next time, if you ever come across one of these abusive types... for god's sake stand up to him. Don't ever allow a man (or anyone) to speak to you that way or treat you that way.

 

If you can't stand up to him, then just LEAVE and don't look back.

[magnolialove]

I just have to ask -- how in the world did you ever allow yourself to remain in a situation like this? How were you rationalizing it in your head?

 

I mean.... it boggles my mind how a woman could ever remain in a RL with a guy like that....for even one second!

 

When you finally do get back on your own.... I hope you will seek some professional help to help you determine why and how you allowed yourself to remain as long as you have.

 

And for not recognizing that this is flat out emotional abuse....

 

I am not saying this to make you feel bad or anything.... I want you to understand yourself so that this NEVER EVER happens again.

 

Wish you the best going forward.... good luck!

 

I want to be clear that this is not a daily occurrence. It's happened a handful of times in the (nearly) three months we've lived together. The first time, I initially felt I had made a terrible mistake, but consoled myself by thinking that all couples fight. Yes, I was weak and doubted myself, but it definitely wasn't ok. Unfortunately it's similar to the way my dad treated me, and I have a bad habit of collapsing when a man yells at me like that and treats me like I know nothing.

 

I'm going to do my best to be stronger in the future and not let this kind of thing happen even a handful of times in future relationships. It's definitely not ok with me, that's why I'm leaving. And I do hope to be able to afford therapy to gain more confidence That's one of my goals now.

[Redhead14]

I want to be clear that this is not a daily occurrence. It's happened a handful of times in the (nearly) three months we've lived together. The first time, I initially felt I had made a terrible mistake, but consoled myself by thinking that all couples fight. Yes, I was weak and doubted myself, but it definitely wasn't ok. Unfortunately it's similar to the way my dad treated me, and I have a bad habit of collapsing when a man yells at me like that and treats me like I know nothing.

 

I'm going to do my best to be stronger in the future and not let this kind of thing happen even a handful of times in future relationships. It's definitely not ok with me, that's why I'm leaving. And I do hope to be able to afford therapy to gain more confidence That's one of my goals now.

 

I want to be clear that this is not a daily occurrence. It's happened a handful of times in the (nearly) three months we've lived together. -- You are minimizing!

 

it's similar to the way my dad treated me, and I have a bad habit of collapsing when a man yells at me like that and treats me like I know nothing. -- So you have to tell yourself that that was then and this is now. He's not your Dad and you aren't a child anymore.

 

It's definitely not ok with me, that's why I'm leaving. -- Keep this in the forefront of your mind at all times. Let nothing else take over.

 

I'm going to do my best to be stronger in the future -- Your "future" starts now, the day/minute you do what you need to do with this one.

[katiegrl]

I want to be clear that this is not a daily occurrence. It's happened a handful of times in the (nearly) three months we've lived together. The first time, I initially felt I had made a terrible mistake, but consoled myself by thinking that all couples fight. Yes, I was weak and doubted myself, but it definitely wasn't ok. Unfortunately it's similar to the way my dad treated me, and I have a bad habit of collapsing when a man yells at me like that and treats me like I know nothing.

 

I'm going to do my best to be stronger in the future and not let this kind of thing happen even a handful of times in future relationships. It's definitely not ok with me, that's why I'm leaving. And I do hope to be able to afford therapy to gain more confidence That's one of my goals now.

 

Okay and apologies if I sounded harsh. My dad was awesome, never even raised his voice to me....so if a man were to get in my face and start yelling at me, even once..... for me that would be a deal-breaker, immediate turn off. No matter how attracted to him I was initially.

 

But since you were brought up in that type of environment, your reaction is more understandable.

 

Abusive men like your boyfriend are actually weak and insecure, did you know that? That is why they have this need to find weak women and lord it over them. To feel strong, and powerful. When inside, it's the exact opposite. They feel weak and powerless...and insecure.

 

I am so happy to hear you are leaving and putting this behind you. I wish you all the best in your journey to peace and happiness.

 

((hugs))

[magnolialove]

Absolutely! OMG if this were me - he would not know what hit him! Not hit hit, but you know what I mean.

 

When he started yelling... I would get in HIS face right back and yell that his behavior has been flat out unacceptable and I AM DONE. IT'S OVER.

 

And if he ever tries to contact me again or find me, I will call the police.

 

In fact, if you had stood up to him the FIRST time he ever did this -- chances are his behavior would have stopped, because he would know you are STRONG and don't tolerate that type of BS.

 

Abusive men always have a way of finding weak, vulnerable women who are incapable of standing up to them. The irony is that once a woman allows herself to be treated that way.... he loses respect for her and feels justified in continuing the abuse!!

 

Next time, if you ever come across one of these abusive types... for god's sake stand up to him. Don't ever allow a man (or anyone) to speak to you that way or treat you that way.

 

If you can't stand up to him, then just LEAVE and don't look back.

 

I am definitely working on my confidence. I lost so much of it being ill for several years and being stomped on in a crummy marriage and being yelled at constantly by my dad when I was younger, but I am actively trying to build it up now. I can't afford therapy yet, but I'm getting involved in things like running 5k races, going to yoga class, and trying to talk to friends more.

 

One reason I didn't try harder to shut it down the first time it happened is because I was terrified of losing my place to live--I had just moved four states away and lost part of my monthly income, so I was really scared of that. I also thought "maybe I'm wrong," which, YES, is stupid! I can see that now. When I think of living independently again, I feel really excited. You know, I was the happiest I've ever been, and most confident, after I kicked my husband out and lived alone. If I had my own place right now I would break up with him in a heartbeat and never look back, honestly. I just didn't have the money to get my own place when I moved closer to him, which was definitely a mistake, I know now. But at least it means I'm not locked into a long lease in a city I hate.

 

I still want "It All" but not so much that I'm willing to do this again ^^; No more abuse! In future relationships I will be VERY wary of moving in together.. and definitely no more LDRs or email relationships.