robertasmith Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 (edited) It’s really painful to even tell the story, again. But I feel maybe you as a kind community can help me. I was recently ghosted by the first woman I’ve ever dated, I’m 29 and she’s 26. This was my first lesbian relationship after a long story of long relationships with men, I was opening up, I was able to talk to my family and friends about her and she knew about this. I never felt like she was a big support or that she even understood how important this was for me, but I thought she was younger than me and unexperienced so, Ok. I took that. We were not okay on our last month, we had broken up before that week and just gotten back together after 3 weeks of being apart. We were trying to mend things and I was really sensitive. I mostly just felt like I couldn’t read her too well, it felt like she was uneasy or unhappy or whatever but she always reassured me it was just insecurity, that she felt fortunate to be with me and that she loved me. Although, immature ideas about love surrounded her, I think. She said she loved me most of the times and I couldn’t help but wonder why she’d say it but also act so uneasy and nervous and insecure and how those attitudes would rarely go away during the good times (birthdays, a picnic day, a park day, etc.) I replied back to the love thing just a few times, I thought we were still building things and that the word shouldn’t come out during the bad times but also the good ones. Thing is, I felt uneasy too, and I knew she spent time with one of her coworkers, and I was jealous or felt sad about the possibility of her being happier every time they met. I had shared this in a very humble way as to let her know and I asked her if I had any reasons to be jealous about, but I was never angry, and she told me there was nothing to worry about. I trusted her and I believed her. That day, she had a dinner party with her colleagues (including her) and we said we would talk later when she finished so we would stay together that night. She took me on a cab to my house before her dinner party and while we were going I saw she had some cards on her hand and I asked what they were. Turns out they were her colleague’s business cards, I asked why she had them (no snapping, just asking) and she gave me almost 5 contradicting answers. I asked again, why? what? then she told me she was just nervous because she knew it was something I thought about and she didn’t want to make me think there was anything going on, so by doing so she knew she was confusing me. We got to my house in that precise moment. I got mad, naturally, after her not being clear and still not being able to choose an answer so I got off the car and told her I thought this was very bad timing to get confused. She left for her dinner party and texted me saying there was nothing going on, please, A bunch of emoji and “I swear there’s nothing going on”, to which I replied that I was disappointed, that I was tired of fighting and that I didn’t think there was so much good between is if that happened.To be honest what MOSTLY hurt me was the fact that she had told me she felt happy and peaceful with our communication minutes before this happened. So why couldn’t she trust me and tell me the truth? Why if she felt so good about me would she babble and get “nervous”? After two hours passed in which I got no explanation, she came out of her dinner party she asked if we should meet and I was already bitter. I said “seriously?” I probably reacted poorly, yes, and it troubles me, but the fact is this girl turned off her phone that night. At first I thought something had happened because I wrote again and didn’t get any reply. It was midnight when I understood she had turned off her phone, and she never answered any of my calls until this day. A month has passed. That next day I called her and I wrote to her: You know this is hurting me and I think it probably hurts you too. But there was nothing. A couple of weeks ago she left my watch on my house in a ball of paper full of masking tape (I felt it aggressive but hey, she may be just a poor envelope wrapper). To be honest, I had believed her. I was hurt because she said to me she was happy, she told me I was everything she needed to wake up in the morning, she told me she loved me and I was in love with her. It was a stupid situation, perfectly solvable, now because of the weakness of her intentions I doubt everything she said, and I need some closure. Ghosting is horrible, I felt as if I had invented everything in my head and dating a girl was a huge step for me. I can’t just ignore this happened. I clearly haven’t been able to get past it. So now, I want to write her an email for closure and for myself. But I haven’t been able to decide how. Would you talk about your feelings or would you only say how wrong you think her behavior is? I don’t want to be judgy but it’s hard and also I feel like she doesn’t deserve so much care right now. I don’t wanna keep being the decent reliable human being for someone who wont reciprocate, even if it’s on this e-mail. I’m just afraid of doing it wrong, I still don’t want to hurt her or to make her hate me even more (I know, I shouldn’t care). What would you say to or about a person who acted like this? Thank you for reading such a loooong post. Edited January 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Methodical Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 We were not okay on our last month, we had broken up before that week and just gotten back together after 3 weeks of being apart. We were trying to mend things and I was really sensitive. I mostly just felt like I couldn’t read her too well, it felt like she was uneasy or unhappy or whatever but she always reassured me it was just insecurity, that she felt fortunate to be with me and that she loved me.[/Quote] I think you are saying you were sensitive/emotional after having been separated for several weeks. You were insecure bc you couldn't read her and she tried reassuring you all was well...that she loved you, yet you continued to project uncertainties bc of your insecurity. Yes? I replied back to the love thing just a few times, I thought we were still building things and that the word shouldn’t come out during the bad times but also the good ones.[/Quote] She made love declarations that you reciprocated just a few times. I understand your train of thought, I think. The "L" words is loosely tossed around by some ppl and you wanted the depth behind the word. There's nothing wrong with that. Playing devil's advocate, maybe she felt more invested bc you rarely reciprocated her communicated advances. Thing is, I felt uneasy too, and I knew she spent time with one of her coworkers, and I was jealous or felt sad about the possibility of her being happier every time they met. I had shared this in a very humble way as to let her know and I asked her if I had any reasons to be jealous about, but I was never angry, and she told me there was nothing to worry about.[/Quote] You admit you were jealous and insecure. Yes, she should have been forthright in her communication. To me, it sounds like she was, but you continued questioning her (which shows the opposite of trust), so she tried to avert an argument by deflecting. Only she knows why she had her colleague's business cards. The thing is, she had access to her colleague w/o the business cards so maybe she was helping her network. After all, several of her colleagues were attending the business party. I asked again, why? what? then she told me she was just nervous because she knew it was something I thought about and she didn’t want to make me think there was anything going on, so by doing so she knew she was confusing me.[/Quote] Again, she should have been upfront, but you started interrogating her. She admitted it was an attempt to calm your insecurities. She left for her dinner party and texted me saying there was nothing going on, please, A bunch of emoji and “I swear there’s nothing going on”, to which I replied that I was disappointed, that I was tired of fighting and that I didn’t think there was so much good between is if that happened.To be honest what MOSTLY hurt me was the fact that she had told me she felt happy and peaceful with our communication minutes before this happened. So why couldn’t she trust me and tell me the truth? Why if she felt so good about me would she babble and get “nervous”?[/Quote] Maybe I'm misunderstanding something. She texted to assure you nothing was going on. You replied by telling her you were disappointed, tired of fighting and didn't think there was much good between you. No matter how many times she told you nothing was going on between her and her coworker, you questioned her every move. That's why she started dodging you inquisition. Ultimately, you didn't trust or believe her or you wouldn't have continued quizzing her. After two hours passed in which I got no explanation, she came out of her dinner party she asked if we should meet and I was already bitter. I said “seriously?” I probably reacted poorly, yes, and it troubles me, but the fact is this girl turned off her phone that night.[/Quote] You didn't get another explanation bc she was at the dinner party, with her work colleagues. When she left, she called/texted and asked about meeting, as planned. You responded sarcastically and she was probably upset and switched off her phone. My guess is by that point, she was done. She was tired of getting grilled with questions over the same issue. No matter how many times she assured you there was nothing going on between her and her coworker, you continued your inquisition, which shows lack of trust. It was a stupid situation, perfectly solvable, now because of the weakness of her intentions I doubt everything she said, and I need some closure.[/Quote] It wasn't a simple, solvable situation bc you continually questioned her about the same issue. Yes, switching over is a huge step and comes with insecurities that have nothing to do with the person you're dating. Family and friends acceptance clouds and colors our perception. Other females suddenly become a threat. She didn't ghost you out of the blue. She made a last ditch attempt to make amends by coming over after the party and you shunned her after having told her you were disappointed and didn't think there was much good between you. Sorry you are hurting and I hope you find peace. In order to that, you need to accept your actions played a role in this relationship spiraling downhill. Again, maybe I misunderstood some of your post, and if so, I apologize for any wayward comments, but this is my opinion based on my understanding of the situation.
Author robertasmith Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 Thank you for your opinion, Methodical. Okay, well, I admit my responsibility and mostly in the last sarcastic comment I made, which sucks. I understand and I hate it I just feel she didn't value our relationship enough to fight for it on the one time I'm sad and confused because of her own issues, and made a stupid mistake. I didn't question her that many times at all, I asked her about her colleague just one time and again confessed her I felt jealous during the whole relationship... we talked, I said ok, and that was it. I ask one question, how invested is someone who gets tired so easily? This is a real non-rethorical question, would you do the same? I mean... I do want to get over it and accept my responsibility on this, but I'm caught in between a "she never loved you, just needed an excuse" because I feel she was extremely unfair, like she can make that mistake and I can't. Do you share with me the sense that EVEN if I made a mistake or that she was tired or whatever, disappearing after saying I love you is not really okay at all? Thank you for your time, replies, in advance and in reverse, whatever that means : )
mightycpa Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I'm not sure what being a lesbian has to do with your story, so I'll leave that out when I give you my take on this. She disappeared on you without explanation. Basically, she quit without notice. Just didn't show up one day. Naturally, you want to complain to her in one form or another. Don't do it. Her lack of reply won't make you feel any better, and a ****ty reply won't make you feel any better. If she said she loved you, but you're fundamentally incompatible, that wouldn't make you feel better. You think that there will be something cleansing about sending her this note. I'm here to tell you there isn't. All the possibilities will result only in a variation of what you feel bad about. Don't do it. Learn to let it go. You only think you need to complain.
Author robertasmith Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 Explaining it was my first lesbian relationship meant to clarify, but maybe it didn't, that it was really important to me. Dynamics are entirely different anyways and I felt sort of lost. Thanks.
Methodical Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 How long had you been dating? You said you feel she wasn't very supportive, nor did she understand what a huge leap this was for you, so I assume this wasn't her first lesbian experience. That makes me wonder why she was nervous/anxious during the good times i.e. birthday parties, picnics, etc.? Everyone makes mistakes, sure. The outcome is determined by how we handle them. In this case, while getting out of the cab, you expressed her poor timing, she texted to reassure you, you responded by telling her there was nothing much good between you, she made an attempt to reconnect after the party, you snubbed her and she decided she was done. You both made mistakes, you were both hurt by the others' actions. (Thanks to the mods for separating the original wall of text) I believe you are hurt bc you made an attempt to contact her by phone and email the next day but it was too late bc she was done. You can attempt to make contact, but I agree with cpa, you're not going to be vindicated by telling her how wrong her behavior was. That doesn't absolve your actions. You both made mistakes. She chose to not respond to your email and phone call afterward. Two weeks ago, she returned your watch when you weren't home bc she doesn't want a confrontation. Another attempt from you is likely to be met with the same resistance, or possibly turn into something more hurtful. You are hurting bc you feel like she didn't fight for the relationship. All relationships take effort, be it friendships, lovers, marriages, etc. And when those relationships mean something, you do fight for them. There is more to this story bc you had been apart for three weeks and decided to give it another chance. Evidently, there were too many underlying issues and she decided it was no longer worth the effort. To answer your direct question... "Do you share with me the sense that EVEN if I made a mistake or that she was tired or whatever, disappearing after saying I love you is not really okay at all?" I'm an outsider looking in. The information you have shared is all ll I have to base my opinion on. You know all the nuances that have taken place, I don't. What I see is that she said she loved you and tried to meet up with you after the party, even after you told her there was nothing much between you, and your response was, "Seriously?" Her attempt to contact you and mend the fence was rebuffed. You denied her. That's what she sees and is feeling. She probably wonders why it was fair for you to say there's nothing much between you that matters and then refused to meet after she told you she loved you. What you had has become a tangled web. I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm just trying to help you see things from ALL angles.
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