Journal entry after realizing sleeping with my ex was a bad idea

[TXGirlInCA]

I wrote this journal entry to deal with 4th broken heart. I contacted my ex after 2.5-3 years with no contact. We started talking again. And decided to get together when I visited home for the holidays. We ended up spending the night together. And it changed everything. If I could go back and change it I would never have reached out to him. Below is what I wrote to deal with the heart ache after I came back to California I realized what a mistake I made (please note this is from my personal journal about my feelings. No one was actually frames for a real murder and no one was physically harmed. It is all figurative speech. I am sharing hoping to save someone from going back to an ex):

 

I unknowingly framed you for a triple homicide with my own lies and heartbreak. After returning to the scene of the crime, my heart suffered this brutal attack for the third time. In this reality of mine, you will be blamed once more and found guilty. Double jeopardy does not exist when my memory and reality are the judge and jury.

 

I am sitting here, listening to the playlist from our affair, with tears swelling in my eyes.

"Cuz it kills me to see you, but it kills me not to. It kills me to remember and it kills me to forget." I forget what it is like to think about you and not hurt. Love shouldn't hurt.

 

The love I've been holding onto all these years was just infatuation in disguise. It was dressed up in expectations and adventures written like a Hollywood script. A one sided memory played so often that it turned into the lie that I started to believe as reality. I convinced myself I could not live without you.

 

The memory of you is a lie, haunting me. Every picture that remains, and every other memory of you glittered throughout my life, has painted my heartbreak in an abstract chaos that I misinterpreted as love. My mangled heart is my masterpiece created by my own imagination and expectations. Painted with hope and glazed with guilt and regret, the lie has been on display in the permanent exhibit in my mind, giving you artistic credit for its creation. I've held onto the memories and the hurt because it was all that remained of us. And the hurt, dressed up in the beautiful mess of a broken spirit and untainted dreams, became the lie that I've treasured for too long.

 

The lie is what convinced me to open Pandora's box. I ignored my instincts and hit send. My heart was lured to the edge by the sweet sound of each text message DING. Then despite my better judgement , my heart dove into the deep end with the weight of heartache and missing you firmly strapped to my feet. That quick sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was the lie telling me it was excitement from having you back in my life. That quick sinking feeling was the butterflies drowning. That quick sinking feeling was the anticipation of the inevitable disaster that was guaranteed in my future. My mind knew you were a bad idea. But my heart believed the lie more than she has believed in herself.

 

So you see, just like my silence that nite was not me at a loss for words but just me with too much to say. Everything is not what it seems. You now have a new box. The box is not a new memory keeping vessel. It is the coffin where the lie will go quietly into the night. The lie will be sacrificed as an offering to save my heart. The lie will be contained in the box to serve as a seal on Pandora's box so I can finally be free from your chaotic and mysterious hold on me. I'll never know if what we had was real or if it was the lie the whole time. But I am not strong enough to try to find out. I only have enough energy left in me to pick myself up and walk away from the prison built out of the memory of you.

Edited January 17, 2016 by TXGirlInCA