Tough Situation

[Revenant22]

Was with my ex for 4 months, and after 3 months she became extremely depressed. We had agreed that therapy might benefit her, and she begun the therapy (without telling me) for the final month. We had a silly argument 4 days before Christmas (nightmare timing) and she asked to break up.

 

She gave me the following reasons:

 

''I need to be alone.''

''I need to get rid of this depression alone, it wasn't working with you.''

''It's too much pressure.''

''I've got this cloud in my head and I can't see past it for us.''

 

This girl is about to turn 20, and gave me her virginity. She had an abusive father as a child which in combination to hating her current job, dropping out of college etc, has led to this depression. She feels she can't be with me ''right now'' until she fixes this.

 

Thoughts to this point?

 

Secondly, we both still love each other, and would like to see where we are a few months down the line. For this reason, she suggested we be best friends/benefits, to keep the physical connection until that point arrives.

 

Is that a bad idea?

 

Thanks guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

In short, yes it's a terrible idea to continue sleeping together. I would advise you not to even consider that.

 

If she needs to break up with you, make it a clean break. If she's struggling with depression and needs to be single, that's okay. But it's not fair to you to keep you around for sex while she sorts herself out. I guarantee you will get hurt in this situation.

 

Give her a few months to heal. In that time, don't be her FWB, buddy, etc. She's choosing to go into recovery without you. She needs to also understand the reality of that choice.

[Revenant22]

In short, yes it's a terrible idea to continue sleeping together. I would advise you not to even consider that.

 

If she needs to break up with you, make it a clean break. If she's struggling with depression and needs to be single, that's okay. But it's not fair to you to keep you around for sex while she sorts herself out. I guarantee you will get hurt in this situation.

 

Give her a few months to heal. In that time, don't be her FWB, buddy, etc. She's choosing to go into recovery without you. She needs to also understand the reality of that choice.

 

Question - How does this logic work? (She said this.)

 

''I just need to be alone, but I will need the option to kiss others and (very unlikely) sleep with others.''

 

Short fix of intimacy to satisfy physical needs?

 

Can't help but feel terrible that other guys will get to kiss/sex with her (no commitment) but still.

Edited January 17, 2016 by Revenant22

[ExpatInItaly]

Question - How does this logic work? (She said this.)

 

''I just need to be alone, but I will need the option to kiss others and (very unlikely) sleep with others.''

 

Short fix of intimacy to satisfy physical needs?

 

Can't help but feel terrible that other guys will get to kiss/sex with her (no commitment) but still.

 

Oh, jeez.

 

Please tell me you're not falling for this. Logic doesn't work here because it's not logical. She wants to mess around with other guys. Full stop.

 

Sorry, but the depression she's claiming is sound more and more like an excuse to break up but still have you on the backburner in case the guy she's currently interested in doesn't pan out. That's what I think is really happening here.

 

Don't allow yourself to be treated this way.

[Revenant22]

Oh, jeez.

 

Please tell me you're not falling for this. Logic doesn't work here because it's not logical. She wants to mess around with other guys. Full stop.

 

Sorry, but the depression she's claiming is sound more and more like an excuse to break up but still have you on the backburner in case the guy she's currently interested in doesn't pan out. That's what I think is really happening here.

 

Don't allow yourself to be treated this way.

 

Firstly, thank you for your advice. With this girl, she has a very unique/abusive past. She was with an ex for 8 months and never did anything sexual, she would literally freeze every time it came up. She's not a 'sleep a rounder' but maybe a kiss a rounder you think? Her depression is very REAL. I've had her family come to me to tell me how it's bringing her down.

 

Again, not to ignore your advice, just to provide more background.

 

You think maybe it's a case of wanting the freedom of a 19 year old, but immaturely also wanting the benefits of a relationship?

[Radio_Religion]

I've experienced a situation similar to this, years ago. I basically fell head over heels for this girl who was seemingly out of my league. Early on I learned that she suffered from a personality disorder, but was on medication and going to therapy so it was all under control.

 

Then one day, completely out of the blue, she called me telling me how depressed she had truly been and that she didn't see us working out. She said she needed to work on herself, time alone, didn't want to drag me alon, etc. Her mom even talked to me about her problems and that she needed help.

 

Being the niave young idiot I was, i basically begged for her to come back, said id be there for her while she worked on herself, etc. since we both loved each other, it would work itself out and I would be there for her. We kept a sexual relationship going while she got help and tried different meds. I'll spare you the rest of the story, but let me just say, things went horribly downhill from there!

 

At the time I was too blinded (infatuated) to see what was right in front of my face. Trust me, you're still very young will so many good years ahead of you. I think think this girl is trying to spare your feelings by making the breakup about her problems. She's sending you tons of warning signals. Do not do a friends with benefits situation!!! Especially if you feel like you still love her. I promise you that al it will do is delay the inevitable heartbreak, and possibly make it worse.

 

I know it's cliche, but there's plenty more fish in the sea. Don't tie yourself down to someone who's showing tons of warning signs so early on.

[backandforth]

This girl will cause you nothing but pain. She obviously has some big issues to deal with and has clearly expressed that she wants to break up. She has told you she wants the option to kiss and sleep with others. Believe me, she will do both. Meanwhile she'll keep you on a string by promising sex. You need to get out now before the situation becomes worse for you.

[fireflywy]

Question - How does this logic work? (She said this.)

 

''I just need to be alone, but I will need the option to kiss others and (very unlikely) sleep with others.''

 

Short fix of intimacy to satisfy physical needs?

 

Can't help but feel terrible that other guys will get to kiss/sex with her (no commitment) but still.

 

I don't know how that logic works for HER, but for YOU this should lead you to the conclusion of making a poltlite and hasty exit.

[angel.eyes]

Unlike Di Caprio's character in Revenant who crawled back from the grave, this relationship won't. She's given you the classic "it's not you, it's me" breakup line. She's done, BUT if you're up for it, she'll let you stick around as her safety blanket while she explores and finds someone else...umm "works through her issues that preempt a relationship with YOU" but not the next guy to catch her interest.

 

There is no upside for you in any of this. Hanging on in the hopes that things will revert back to what you once had is futile. Accept the breakup, start the recovery process, and get on with your life. She's already moving on. You should too.

[ExpatInItaly]

Firstly, thank you for your advice. With this girl, she has a very unique/abusive past. She was with an ex for 8 months and never did anything sexual, she would literally freeze every time it came up. She's not a 'sleep a rounder' but maybe a kiss a rounder you think? Her depression is very REAL. I've had her family come to me to tell me how it's bringing her down.

 

Again, not to ignore your advice, just to provide more background.

 

You think maybe it's a case of wanting the freedom of a 19 year old, but immaturely also wanting the benefits of a relationship?

 

She was the one who told you sleeping with others might be a possibility. So you can't ignore that, despite her past. She wouldn't even have brought that up if it wasn't on her mind, OP.

 

But it doesn't really matter. She is choosing to end the relationship with you and has warned you she will be physical with other guys. Depression or not, don't wait around.

 

And yes, I think she immaturely wants to have her cake and eat it too. I can't see how this situation will work out well for you.