spriggan2 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Im dealing with post breakup resentment and I dont know what to do about it. I've brought some of this up before, but my first relationship ever ended a few weeks ago with me being dumped. It ran on months longer than it should have and during that time my ex turned very cold on me. We were still amorous and warm, and she did good things, but at the same time she did not treat me with respect. I am an abnormally shy person and treat people kindly in general. I went into the relationship with one of these naive mindsets thinking that dating is about compromise and sacrifice and putting your partner's needs before your own. On top of that I was madly in love with the girl and was obsessed with making her happy. That being said, I did not smother her. Even in my helpless, limerent state I was wise enough to see that tact and giving her space would be important. Obsessive attention would be nauseating. And we were long distance anyway. Nevertheless my intense affection for her still came through. She knew how much power she had over me. She knew I liked her so much it actually pained me. I don't quite know if she could tell how sensitive i was but in the latter half of the relationship she made so many offhand remarks that hurt me and I did not have the spine to call her out. i couldn't risk upsetting her. I blame myself mostly for some of this, but at the same time some of the things she said were harsh and thoughtless to the point where I had to question her empathy. Whenever I even annoyed her slightly she would ask me "If I did what you're doing how would you feel?" And yet rarely did she employ that philosophy to her own behavior. Example. I flew out to her city to see her for a weekend (she told me she really wanted to see me). Landed Friday at noon. She had to leave town that day to renew her passport and got back at midnight, which meant I was waiting around for 12 hours. When she gets back she tells me, "you know I could have taken the bus and gotten here sooner but I wasn't thinking about you." This was after she'd opened the Christmas present I got her. Two weeks later she dumps me over the phone after begging me to stay with her an extra day the weekend I was with her, and telling me how much she missed me later on. On top of that I compromised so much of myself. If there was something about me she didn't like (the list goes on), I changed it, I discarded it, I apologized for it, foolishly thinking I was being considerate. Yet on the rare occasions I did bring up an issue i had with her, she became defensive or she would get mad at me. I felt like she did not consider me worth compromising for even in the least bit. On top of that I never disapproved of her interests, while it was rare for her not to dismiss mine. It's done quite a number on my self worth. Now that the relationship is over all I have is residual resentment. Im sore over the crappy way she treated me sometimes. True other things could be impacting my thoughts. I worked so hard for this girl and it's all been for naught. I'm suffering a bruised ego from being rejected. The prism through which I see the relationship is inherently negative now. But at the same time I know myself well enough here. I know I'm not mixing up those emotions with this separate feeling of being mistreated. The resentment was there before the relationship ended and now it's just here by itself, unaccompanied by the love i had for her during the relationship. Sometimes I do think I'm delusional though. Maybe the things she said and did weren't that bad but because of how vulnerable I was they became amplified. Or maybe she's not a bad person at all i just didn't check her enough and so she had no idea she was slowly killing me with disrespect. But at the same time a friend of mine who I talked about her with thinks she's an a*shole. She herself has told me she thought if we stayed together I'd cheat on her because she made me feel small (yet she would never cop to instances of this on the few times i pointed them out). All I know is this: I'm fine with the relationship being over. We were so not right for each other. I have absolutely no issues there. The things I did to make her happy were not to guilt her into staying with me, and I never gave her the sense that I would struggle to keep her if she wanted to leave. But still, I have this bitter regard for her. I think about her walking away clean and carefree while i'm here with pent up frustration about how she treated me, and sometimes it makes me seethe to the point where i get a little dizzy. I want to give my mind a break. I want to forget about her, or at least not feel this way every time she pops into my head. I just want this sour feeling to go away.
contel3 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I went through something similar after the end of one of my previous relationships. You can't make this feeling go away. It will however, slowly fade. There are several things you can do to accelerate the process. First, you have to aknowledge that your feelings are legitimate and you certainly aren't delusional. Just because someone didn't hit you or cheat on you doesn't mean their behaviour is acceptable. Letting you wait for twelve hours at the airport??Seriously?? Second, you have to accept that every time you compromised yourself for her IT WAS YOUR OWN FAULT. You tolerated her behaviour. Sit down with a pen and piece of paper and reflect on how you want to be treated and what you will tolerate in the future. Define your boundaries and stick to them. If you're at it, try doing the same with all the other (platonic) relationships in your life. Practice enforcing the boundaries you set for yourself with friends and family. This is extremely empowering and will make you feel better about yourself. Don't be a jerk. Treat people with the same respect you would like to be treated and expect no less in return. Last step is to do everything you felt you missed during that relationship. If you neglected your friends, meet them more. Try new hobbies. Travel. Do everything you know you could never have done with her around. Improve yourself as a person. Take care of your appearance and flirt with some girls whatever works for you. After a while your life will be so much better than BEFORE you met her, that you will be happy for the lesson she taught you and how much you have grown from it. Thats when the resentment will start to fade until there is none at all left =) good luck! 1
mg4514 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Im dealing with post breakup resentment and I dont know what to do about it. I've brought some of this up before, but my first relationship ever ended a few weeks ago with me being dumped. It ran on months longer than it should have and during that time my ex turned very cold on me. We were still amorous and warm, and she did good things, but at the same time she did not treat me with respect. I am an abnormally shy person and treat people kindly in general. I went into the relationship with one of these naive mindsets thinking that dating is about compromise and sacrifice and putting your partner's needs before your own. On top of that I was madly in love with the girl and was obsessed with making her happy. That being said, I did not smother her. Even in my helpless, limerent state I was wise enough to see that tact and giving her space would be important. Obsessive attention would be nauseating. And we were long distance anyway. Nevertheless my intense affection for her still came through. She knew how much power she had over me. She knew I liked her so much it actually pained me. I don't quite know if she could tell how sensitive i was but in the latter half of the relationship she made so many offhand remarks that hurt me and I did not have the spine to call her out. i couldn't risk upsetting her. I blame myself mostly for some of this, but at the same time some of the things she said were harsh and thoughtless to the point where I had to question her empathy. Whenever I even annoyed her slightly she would ask me "If I did what you're doing how would you feel?" And yet rarely did she employ that philosophy to her own behavior. Example. I flew out to her city to see her for a weekend (she told me she really wanted to see me). Landed Friday at noon. She had to leave town that day to renew her passport and got back at midnight, which meant I was waiting around for 12 hours. When she gets back she tells me, "you know I could have taken the bus and gotten here sooner but I wasn't thinking about you." This was after she'd opened the Christmas present I got her. Two weeks later she dumps me over the phone after begging me to stay with her an extra day the weekend I was with her, and telling me how much she missed me later on. On top of that I compromised so much of myself. If there was something about me she didn't like (the list goes on), I changed it, I discarded it, I apologized for it, foolishly thinking I was being considerate. Yet on the rare occasions I did bring up an issue i had with her, she became defensive or she would get mad at me. I felt like she did not consider me worth compromising for even in the least bit. On top of that I never disapproved of her interests, while it was rare for her not to dismiss mine. It's done quite a number on my self worth. Now that the relationship is over all I have is residual resentment. Im sore over the crappy way she treated me sometimes. True other things could be impacting my thoughts. I worked so hard for this girl and it's all been for naught. I'm suffering a bruised ego from being rejected. The prism through which I see the relationship is inherently negative now. But at the same time I know myself well enough here. I know I'm not mixing up those emotions with this separate feeling of being mistreated. The resentment was there before the relationship ended and now it's just here by itself, unaccompanied by the love i had for her during the relationship. Sometimes I do think I'm delusional though. Maybe the things she said and did weren't that bad but because of how vulnerable I was they became amplified. Or maybe she's not a bad person at all i just didn't check her enough and so she had no idea she was slowly killing me with disrespect. But at the same time a friend of mine who I talked about her with thinks she's an a*shole. She herself has told me she thought if we stayed together I'd cheat on her because she made me feel small (yet she would never cop to instances of this on the few times i pointed them out). All I know is this: I'm fine with the relationship being over. We were so not right for each other. I have absolutely no issues there. The things I did to make her happy were not to guilt her into staying with me, and I never gave her the sense that I would struggle to keep her if she wanted to leave. But still, I have this bitter regard for her. I think about her walking away clean and carefree while i'm here with pent up frustration about how she treated me, and sometimes it makes me seethe to the point where i get a little dizzy. I want to give my mind a break. I want to forget about her, or at least not feel this way every time she pops into my head. I just want this sour feeling to go away. Thank you so much for sharing this post...because this is exactly what I experienced with the person that broke my heart. (We are in our mid 40's--5 year relationship). I don't have any pearls of wisdom because I haven't sorted it out yet either...but I want you to know the person you described is not an anomaly. I was so relieved to hear I wasn't alone, and maybe it will bring you comfort to know you're not alone. I ended up sacrificing my entire identity in the pursuit of making her happy. My wants, needs, concerns, worries, and desires were ALL dismissed as less important than hers. I foolishly believed that making compromises was the mature thing to do when involved with someone I loved...and it took a looooong time for me to realize the compromises were only going in one direction. When a situation called for empathy on her part...forget it! The only thing I can offer/suggest is this: I think we found ourselves entangled with someone with narcissistic tendencies, and we as "co-dependents" found value in pleasing others. Once we realize that our efforts will not be validated, reinforced, or recognized - we feel hurt because they don't see what we are willing to do for them, the intense love we felt for them. Our partners likely were not conscious of their behavior, it likely wasn't a malicious effort on their part...they are who they are. The important thing for you to accept is this: our feelings, our needs, and our thoughts are completely foreign to someone who is narcissistic....they smartest thing we can do is RUN, and never look back. Go completely NC, and recognize you WILL get breadcrumbs (I did after two months). But breadcrumbs are poison, and don't fall for it, stay strong, and stay NC. If you are interested, I can suggest a book that helped me IMMENSELY in understanding the dynamic you described. I'm 5 months NC, and I'm still a mess...but understanding the dynamic helped me.
mightycpa Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) I think you need to be a little more circumspect about this. It's time for you to take responsibility. First, let's stipulate that it was a first relationship, so you had no experience to guide you, and more than likely, you had nobody to guide you. All of that is perfectly normal. Second, let's also assume that whatever the case, you want your next time around to go better. Third, we'll also assume that you'd rather not be burdened with these negative feelings. OK, all that established, here goes: 1) You are responsible for however it is that you got treated. She may very well have been an *******. OK, so you dated an *******, long distance no less, and you didn't do anything about it. However badly you got treated, you stuck around for more. That was your call, not hers. Take responsibility for it. Takeaway: take some time to examine how you're being treated. Assess it objectively. 2) You wrote something very insightful:I did not have the spine to call her out. i couldn't risk upsetting her. That, believe it or not, is pretty typical. You held stuff in because you were afraid, and when it is all said and done, the thing that you feared came true, AND, in hindsight, it probably would have been better to speak up because hiding it contributed to this split. Amirite? Takeaway: don't be afraid. relationships can survive bumps, and in the end, you want someone who loves you for who you are, not because they think you're the spineless front you're portraying. 3) You feel robbed, in a way. Like she got away with something. Or maybe you feel betrayed, because you are convinced she's free and clear, and you're bearing all the emotional burden. This very may well be. But that's ok. Turn the tables around for a second. Let's say you figured out you just weren't that much into her, so you did her a solid and dumped her. Then, you really had no regrets, no interest in reconciling, and in fact, this girl you just met started looking good. She only the other hand, is dumping ashes on her head, wailing and tearing at her clothes. That's how it goes. If you don't feel something, then it just didn't mean that much to you, and to her, maybe it did, maybe it didn't. She can't help it, she feels however she feels. It seems personal, but it isn't. She's acting the way she is for her, not to punish you. You can let it go. Takeaway: Just like you can't control how you feel about someone, they can't control how they feel about you. All you can do is be true to how you feel, and hope someone is being truthful to you. The way to know is, well, re-read #1. You'll be ok soon. I can tell you're on the way there. Good luck OP! Edited January 17, 2016 by mightycpa
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