How to deal with being replaced

[RySant]

I just tried dating and for a few days now, I am getting along with this guy but not not serious still...(gay here by the way). He's kinda nice and all (too nice) and I should be happy and flattered with the attention.

 

But I am not.

 

Unfortunately, I have this great fear in relationship (As I have discussed here in the forums a LOT of times) and reading about different scenarios of "relationship problems" (i.e. Cheating, Affairs) in this forum and around my life, I can't help but not to feel relaxed in this "dating." I feel like I need to guard up and don't let myself fall for him that much since sooner or later, I KNOW (It's silly believe me) that someday, some time, he'll get tired of me and will go dating behind my back or I'll just wake up one day and he'll say "I have found someone else, we need to end this" stuff. And I will experience my soul being crushed by the betrayal that a LOT of you guys have been experiencing or experienced.

 

I worry so much (I KNOW) but I can't help what I am feeling. I want to enjoy my life but this fear is very raw in my chest. People said to get therapy and I tried buy in my country, psychological help is very much taboo, and it isn't widely available. People just say to me "just sleep it off" or "c'mon get over it" without them realizing that my irrational fear is seriously eating me up.

 

Whenever I look at couples in the streets or malls, I have this thought at my back as to who among the two have an AP, PA or EA behind their significant other's back.

 

I think I am getting crazy. I dunno what to do.

[basil67]

Perhaps this has root in low self esteem?

 

If I think of my partner cheating (cheating is not a 100% dealbreaker for me) I have three different thoughts:

 

1. I doubt he'd cheat on me because

2. If he did cheat on me, he'd never leave me and we'd recover

3. If he left me, I'd survive and be OK.

 

In my self talk, no matter what imaginary thing happens, I know I'd be Ok - so I don't worry about it. And because I know I'd be OK, it's really not an issue.

 

Now in your case, the self talk starts with him cheating. But what happens after that? Are you left in the depths of despair or do you recover and start again?

[RySant]

Perhaps this has root in low self esteem?

 

If I think of my partner cheating (cheating is not a 100% dealbreaker for me) I have three different thoughts:

 

1. I doubt he'd cheat on me because

2. If he did cheat on me, he'd never leave me and we'd recover

3. If he left me, I'd survive and be OK.

 

In my self talk, no matter what imaginary thing happens, I know I'd be Ok - so I don't worry about it. And because I know I'd be OK, it's really not an issue.

 

Now in your case, the self talk starts with him cheating. But what happens after that? Are you left in the depths of despair or do you recover and start again?

 

Exactly, I have low self-esteem issues. From my childhood up to my adolescence, I never felt being the first choice of the people around me. It's like I am always the outlier in the family, a "leftover" that people with no choice will just settle with. Father abandoned us when I was 12 so I have abandonment issues as well. Whenever conflict starts and one must give way (e.g. During school days when we group for example 10 people, and we are 11) I tend to volunteer firsthand to go since I have this doubt that everyone will vote me out anyway so I do it myself in my own choice, rather than suffer the humiliation of being chased away.

 

No one chooses me as their first option, so I tend to put myself in the backseat every time. I became aware of this issue after school days because I really was a victim of bullying at school. I have very good grades before so they choose me for projects and stuff based on that. If not school-related, I am just a waste of space.

 

Since then, I tried to improve myself. I have great physique now, people say I am "cute" and (at front) is "oozing with self-confidence" but it's all just an act. I feel that once people knew me, the real me. They'll cut me loose.

 

So, I am very afraid to let my guard down with this guy since I have this feeling that once he knew me, get what he wants (ONS), he'll be cold and distant and just ditch me away.... just like everyone else in my life.

[Buddhist]

I worry so much (I KNOW) but I can't help what I am feeling. I want to enjoy my life but this fear is very raw in my chest. People said to get therapy and I tried buy in my country, psychological help is very much taboo, and it isn't widely available. People just say to me "just sleep it off" or "c'mon get over it" without them realizing that my irrational fear is seriously eating me up.

 

I think I am getting crazy. I dunno what to do.

 

 

First of all. You're not crazy, that is a very rational fear, in that it makes perfect sense. It would be a worry if you had no fear at all of abandonment because it would signal that you are incapable of attachment. So that's point number 1.

 

Point number 2 is that when your fear looms extremely large like this it's because you have a very strong desire to overcome it, or rather overcome the conflict within which is at the root of it. I struggled with this same fear btw in very much the same way you are now. I tried to deal with it by suppressing it and forcing myself to trust my partner. What happened is I had two back to back relationships in which I was cheated on. The second one worse than the first. Suppressing your fear does not work, it just creates situations in your life where you are confronted by what you fear.

 

At the core of this fear, was a paradox. I both wanted a great relationship with a man but did not in any way trust men as a whole. So you can see the impossibility of that. All I found were men who were not trustworthy confirming my belief about men. And the result was I became so jaded about love and the possibility of ever having a healthy relationship that I made a celibate of myself with the intention to never date again.

 

So what's the answer? Well sometime after declaring myself relationship free, I met someone who sparked in me such a huge desire to take myself off the shelf. He was inspirational and he wanted me. Trouble was, my old fears did what they are doing to you now and I had to resolve the paradox that created it. I had to find a new way to think about men in general, in order to allow the opportunity to be with a specific one in a healthy way. I had to admit to myself that maybe there were some good eggs in there somewhere.