Author Arabellad25 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Update. Hi guys - well it's all been a bit much the past couple of days and would love your thoughts on how t move forward. I'd like to stress I love this guy a lot and he really is perfect in every way and it really hasn't interfered with our sex life I confronted him and his reaction was completely guarded and defensive, spinning lies and acting shocked I would even contemplate he would search those things. As I mentioned previously I was calm throughout and trying to provoke a positive reaction / even playing it down to make it less awkward for him. The next day we acted as though nothing happened and we were fine. The following day ( yesterday ) I felt really low and deceived I pretty much avoided him all day as needed to sort my head out. In the evening we brought it up again and he is in complete denial almost panicked. His concern is the content and that's what he is adamant he hasn't searched, I've even tried to say look well wether that's true or not my issue is the amount, while I'm home. He is basically just mortified and I'm sure he won't admit this. He's a well respected guy & obviously the thought of this becoming something other than a dirty little secret must be petrifying. We didn't end the evening on great terms as I told him I couldn't just take his word after what I'd seen. I've came to work today and he has said he will take the time to think today and we will discuss this eve when I'm home. He doesn't want to discuss the actual issue but more so how we move forward in the relationship with me "thinking" he views this stuff and whilst I'm home. Basically j think he needs me to believe him it the Shane would be too much for him. I'm really worried he may end the relationship or will resent me for all of this. He has said that the searches are those of a p.file and questioned how we could proceed if that's what I think of him. What stance do you guys think I should take on this? Shall I just support him and accept a confession just wouldn't happen or shall I stand firm that I think it's a problem and risk losing him? As I've said it doesn't effect our sex life and I think his discust and shock at the notion I know what he's been doing may be enough for him to tone it down?
stillafool Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 He is basically just mortified and I'm sure he won't admit this. He's a well respected guy & obviously the thought of this becoming something other than a dirty little secret must be petrifying. How many guys are perverts, child molesters that are well respected - including priests. It seems you are more afraid of losing this guy than facing his teen porn addiction. 3
RedRobin Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 you seem adamant about staying with this guy at all cost no matter what he does. You haven't answered my question about what is so great about this guy. Behind every addict is a friend, partner, or family member in denial. You have the opportunity to leave now and save yourself a world of headache, pain, or worse. Why don't you leave him? 1
katiegrl Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Your update states you love this guy and "he's perfect in every way." What? Seriously? You state you are also afraid HE may leave you. I was hoping it was the other way around ....that he was afraid YOU would leave him! Which you should IMO. Me thinks he is *not* the only one in denial here.
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 you seem adamant about staying with this guy at all cost no matter what he does. You haven't answered my question about what is so great about this guy. Behind every addict is a friend, partner, or family member in denial. You have the opportunity to leave now and save yourself a world of headache, pain, or worse. Why don't you leave him? Hi, in answer to your question - everything is great about him other than this. He really is thoughtful, attentative, works hard, good career, caring and funny with no baggage or other issues at all. I'm not scared of losing him - just hopeful that it won't reach that point and would be willing to support him through stuff. I genuinely 100 percent don't think he's a risk to anyone, as I said its just a kink that hot out of hand.
stillafool Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hi, in answer to your question - everything is great about him other than this. He really is thoughtful, attentative, works hard, good career, caring and funny with no baggage or other issues at all. I'm not scared of losing him - just hopeful that it won't reach that point and would be willing to support him through stuff. I genuinely 100 percent don't think he's a risk to anyone, as I said its just a kink that hot out of hand. It isn't a kink it's a habit and a bit of an obsession. Hey if you're happy with him go for it. Just make sure your friends and relatives don't bring their 12, 13 and 14 year old girls around him. He will obsess. Sorry but he will. 2
Gaeta Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Arabellad: What you are seeing in your boyfriend is only the tip of the iceberg. When someone has an addiction and it's starting to get noticed around, when he can't stay away from this porn that he's looking it up while you're a few feet away cooking FOR HIM it means he's hooked. He can't put it away. These things you've been noticing are only drops here and there, imagine what is the real extent of his teen porn addiction. Keep him away from young girls. Now let me tell you a quick story. My cousin noticed a long time ago that her husband had 'weird' taste in porn. Lots of young girls and young boys. She excused it just like you're doing right now. At 36 she was hit by a devastating breast cancer. It killed her in 18 months. While she was on her death bed with nothing but skin and bones, police raid her house and her husband was arrested for marketing child pornography. She died before police could establish if he had used their 6 yo son in that market. So good luck with everything. I hope there is no iceberg waiting for you behind this addiction. 1
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Arabellad: What you are seeing in your boyfriend is only the tip of the iceberg. When someone has an addiction and it's starting to get noticed around, when he can't stay away from this porn that he's looking it up while you're a few feet away cooking FOR HIM it means he's hooked. He can't put it away. These things you've been noticing are only drops here and there, imagine what is the real extent of his teen porn addiction. Keep him away from young girls. Now let me tell you a quick story. My cousin noticed a long time ago that her husband had 'weird' taste in porn. Lots of young girls and young boys. She excused it just like you're doing right now. At 36 she was hit by a devastating breast cancer. It killed her in 18 months. While she was on her death bed with nothing but skin and bones, police raid her house and her husband was arrested for marketing child pornography. She died before police could establish if he had used their 6 yo son in that market. So good luck with everything. I hope there is no iceberg waiting for you behind this addiction. Wow that really is terrible, What a horrible situation to be in
WaitingForBardot Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 And the hyperbole continues unabated... Bearing in mind that some people are in fact dangerous perverts, although the evidence in your case Arabella seems far from compelling, I wonder what destroys more relationships, the porn itself, or the reaction of the persons that can't deal with it?
Gaeta Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 And the hyperbole continues unabated... Bearing in mind that some people are in fact dangerous perverts, although the evidence in your case Arabella seems far from compelling, I wonder what destroys more relationships, the porn itself, or the reaction of the persons that can't deal with it? It's not the porn. It's the type of porn he favors.
MadJackBird Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 It's not the porn. It's the type of porn he favors. +1 on this... And if you read her posts it's the frequency and the fact it is getting more and more taboo, It didn't start with teen and transgender, but it is now. This is a sign of addiction, it takes more, and more deviant to get the same "high". Now he is denying and covering up. That is not a good sign. Arabellad25, If he can admit this is a problem then there are good support groups for him to look into. But notice he isn't actually admitting he has a problem, he is blame shifting and saying you are the one that has the problem. Don't fall for this game and gas lighting. Is that okay with you? What boundaries do you want from your relationship? Would he be willing to be accountable to you or a close friend about this porn addiction? Maybe willing to let you check his phone history.
VeveCakes Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Exactly. You deserve better, this man has a serious problem and I don't understand how you can be ok with it. Move on.
katiegrl Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Exactly. You deserve better, this man has a serious problem and I don't understand how you can be ok with it. She's in denial and co-depenrdent.....that's how. Sad. 2
WaitingForBardot Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 It's not the porn. It's the type of porn he favors. I understand your point Gaeta, it's just again a matter that we read different things between the lines. Searching for something does not mean it's the type he necessarily favors, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, just that he's searched it before. You think he favors it, is addicted to it, is a criminal predator in the making, but I just don't know. How could I based on the information in this thread?
Gaeta Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I understand your point Gaeta, it's just again a matter that we read different things between the lines. Searching for something does not mean it's the type he necessarily favors, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, just that he's searched it before. You think he favors it, is addicted to it, is a criminal predator in the making, but I just don't know. How could I based on the information in this thread? She posted: Thing is since my last post I've realised he is in to teen porn ( he's 41 and I'm 29) ok teen porn is fine and I get it although can't help thinking its a bit Pervy ( each to their own ) however this week I saw he'd been looking at jailbait pics which made me feel sick , I am calling that and escalating addiction. What is he going to look up next?
WaitingForBardot Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 She posted: Thing is since my last post I've realised he is in to teen porn ( he's 41 and I'm 29) ok teen porn is fine and I get it although can't help thinking its a bit Pervy ( each to their own ) however this week I saw he'd been looking at jailbait pics which made me feel sick , I am calling that and escalating addiction. What is he going to look up next? I don't know and neither do you, that's the point. People read, view things, watch movies about things, that they would never dream of doing in real life all the time! That's the whole concept of fiction. I am able to experience things vicariously that I can't nor would never do in real life. I don't disagree that in this case the subject might be unsavory, but the wild excursions of not even what ifs, but rather that this is the only explanation or outcome here are just unfounded. 1
katiegrl Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 She posted: Thing is since my last post I've realised he is in to teen porn ( he's 41 and I'm 29) ok teen porn is fine and I get it although can't help thinking its a bit Pervy ( each to their own ) however this week I saw he'd been looking at jailbait pics which made me feel sick , I am calling that and escalating addiction. **What is he going to look up next? Or worse .... actually *act* on it. Even convicted pedophiles have admitted to having *only* looked for many years. But then that's not enough and they start to *consider* acting on it. Then that's not enough and they actually DO act on it. That is how it escalates, and THAT is scary!! OP... don't kid yourself! Jailbait??? Come on girl ....what are you thinking? As Cher said in the movie Moonstruck..... snap out of it! 1
AndOrchid Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hi, in answer to your question - everything is great about him other than this. He really is thoughtful, attentative, works hard, good career, caring and funny with no baggage or other issues at all. I'm not scared of losing him - just hopeful that it won't reach that point and would be willing to support him through stuff. I genuinely 100 percent don't think he's a risk to anyone, as I said its just a kink that hot out of hand. You can't support someone who won't admit they have a problem. As early as November (6 months into the relationship) his porn use was already affecting your sex life to the point where you needed to make a thread about it so why are you saying the opposite now? And how can he be perfect in every way? You already know that he will lie to you and blame shift whenever is convenient for him. Do you feel like you would be able to ever trust him in this relationship? You do sound like you are in denial but please consider what you are trying to overlook here. And reflect on why you are even considering staying with him even if it means keeping up a charade? This is not going to go away or get any better. It's only downhill from here. 2
joseb Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 OP it does sound like you are in denial. You say the relationship is great, yet you posted before about the sex drying up. And you seem to think.its ok for him to lie around all day watching porn and jacking off once your back is turned. Plus he is blatantly lying to you. And that's even without going into the whole area of if he has a dangerous fettish. Really think about this as if you were giving advice to a friend. It sounds like you have become codependent, and are putting this guy on a pedestal simply because some of your other relationships were even worse. 1
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