katiegrl Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 (edited) He works from home, his phone history alone indicates he checks it out all day, as I mentioned also while I'm cooking dinner or in another room I know he's looking at pics of teens on blog sites. So the actual videos he watches in the day time as well. To me that's excessive To me, that is way over the top and frankly disrespectful. While you're cooking dinner? Hell why isn't he helping you with dinner? Lol, okay nevermind that. But seriously, my ex and I would be chatting while I (or he) was cooking dinner. That was *our* time, not *his* time to watch porn (and then go jerk off in bathroom?) while I cook dinner. Jesus. IMO, the first step in addressing this is to define your boundaries. You don't mind the porn, in fact you enjoy it too, but when you're home together, he needs to tone it down. Running off to look at a naked teenager after seeing her on TV is not acceptable, period. Jerking off in the bathroom is not cool. While you are discussing, ask him what type of porn he likes to watch alone. Ask him if he enjoys watching teen porn! I mean, why not be direct and just ask? Not in an accusatory way, just out of curiosity? Be light about it like "hey, have you ever checked out teen porn"? When he answers yes (which let's hope he's honest and does answer yes)...ask him what turns him on about it. Present an open-minded attitude and let him talk!! The more open you are to listening, without judging, the more open HE will be. That is how I would handle it anyway. Edited January 18, 2016 by katiegrl
Qboro90 Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I think you need to bring this up when the opportunity presents itself in order to convey the message that this is something that's become unavoidable for you. You said that his browser history shows what he's looked at each day. Can you come up with an excuse to use his computer? "My laptop is acting up, can I use yours to just send this email quick babe?" Then when you get on his computer, call him in and say "cmon... I'm ok with porn and guys masturbsting... But look at this.... Did you just sit at home and watch porn all day long?" Point out that you really wouldn't care if it was a couple of sites or searches, but the amount, or the graphic wording for young girls is basically forcing you to have to ask Him. And as others have stated, there's a difference between "teen porn" which I consider 18+.... And "jailbait/yng porn" which would be anything under 18.. Typically under 16. That's not good and he needs to be confronted about that if it's the case. Tell him that you love everything about him, but if you're going to spend your lives together, you need to know whether or not he's going to be jerking off to underage girls in the bathroom while your cooking dinner for the two of you. The thing I'm alarmed by is what seems to be his increasing level of boldness and decreasing levels of discretion. You've been very open and good in the fact that you've allowed porn to be a part of your sex life and enjoy it together. However he might be starting to overstep those boundaries because he thinks you're ok with it and you need to draw those lines sooner instead of later. And come to terms with the fact that this guy could be perfect in every way, but if he truly does have a problem or masturbsting addiction, or attraction towards underage girls, then he's not perfect for you because that's not something you want to have to deal with and live with the rest of your life 3
RedRobin Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 So, I have a different question. Why do you think he and this relationship are so perfect? I can't think of any relationship so perfect to consider marrying and maybe having children with a middle aged guy who thinks teen porn is hot. What happens when you have kids? Would you feel comfortable once they get to the age those girls are or look? What about their friends? I've passed by teen porn before. I get it that lots of porn is plastic... So he could search for porn with small boobs, or all natural, or petite, or whatever. It's the idea... Even if in fantasy... That the woman is underage or barely legal would be my issue. That, and the frequency he indulges in it. I'd stick around long enough to try and fully understand what he gets out of it... But I wouldn't harbor any ideas that he'd stop. I'd stick around long enough to satisfy my curiosity about why he does it mostly to insure I never got involved with a guy like that again... Then I'd dump him.
truth_seeker Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Running off to look at a naked teenager after seeing her on TV is not acceptable, period. Jerking off in the bathroom is not cool. The first part I totally agree with you... now the second part... where should he jerk off? In the living room? Next to her at the kitchen stove? She overheard him while he was in the bathroom - a private area. The issue is the teen porn not the jerking off. Lets not all get anti-jerking off now.
Robert Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Has anyone noticed that the thread starter posted on this page? didn't think so or only a couple of posters did, let's help the thread starter rather than going off the deep end about child porn or we are going to have to start handing out some infractions, thanks and I'm sure the thread starter thanks you too. 2
RedRobin Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Thanks. He is a lovely man, we are perfect in every way other than this. I'm not a victim of trapped he just has weird kinks that I dislike. I was hoping for advice on how to bring this up WITHOUT ruining an otherwise perfect relationship I'd like to help you... However I am questioning your judgement of perfect in this case. If he has weird kinks you dislike and he is neglecting your relationship because of it, what makes you think there is anything you can do about it? Is this something you are prepared to ignore or just get over? Because the odds of him putting it aside are extremely slim, and certainly not one he will likely stop just because you don't like it. He has to stop it on his own... Even then, it will likely never go away 100%.... Just like any obsession, addiction, or whatever people want to call it. I understand your disappointment. You've invested a lot of time in this relationship, but some things aren't easily fixable. this is a major source of incompatibility.... I'm just not understanding how an incompatibility this great leads to 'perfect'. Unless you are in denial or rationalizing. Which is totally understandable. You want to know how to bring it up? Straightforwardly. If he tries to lie about it, then tell him what you know... Then see what he does. Don't issue ultimatums. Nobody likes that. Keep in mind that it's his kink. If he wants to keep it, that's his right. But you don't need to put up with it or marry someone who is incompatible in this way. That's your right. 3
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 I'd like to help you... However I am questioning your judgement of perfect in this case. If he has weird kinks you dislike and he is neglecting your relationship because of it, what makes you think there is anything you can do about it? Is this something you are prepared to ignore or just get over? Because the odds of him putting it aside are extremely slim, and certainly not one he will likely stop just because you don't like it. He has to stop it on his own... Even then, it will likely never go away 100%.... Just like any obsession, addiction, or whatever people want to call it. I understand your disappointment. You've invested a lot of time in this relationship, but some things aren't easily fixable. this is a major source of incompatibility.... I'm just not understanding how an incompatibility this great leads to 'perfect'. Unless you are in denial or rationalizing. Which is totally understandable. You want to know how to bring it up? Straightforwardly. If he tries to lie about it, then tell him what you know... Then see what he does. Don't issue ultimatums. Nobody likes that. Keep in mind that it's his kink. If he wants to keep it, that's his right. But you don't need to put up with it or marry someone who is incompatible in this way. That's your right. Hi thanks, if there's one thing this guy doesn't do then it's neglect the relationship. He is so discreet in his little fetish that more than anything I'm in the wrong for snooping. However, I have and I continue to do so which has lead me to see things that have worried me & I couldn't quite figure if his teen / jailbait things were normal. I think the poster who mentioned that his kinks seem to be escalating is right which is a worry. Some people have asked how I would feel if if we were to have a daughter she she reached teen age.. And again I have thought about that and would I feel uncomfortable with her friends around? If this situation was here now then no I wouldn't feel cool about it.. But that's at lest 16 years away and a 57 year old guy most likely has different interests. As I mentioned he also searches transsexual porn ( videos ) so I really do think the teen think is just a result of having watched so much porn over the years and having to go to extremes.. Guys in all honesty it's not even the watching porn videos I think that's normal and I don't mind it being teen, after all that isn't all he watches and is a sub category on most porn sites. It's him sat on his phone a lot of the day searching - teen pussy / teen cu*t / teen upskirt / slags / uk sluts / jailbait upskirt / jailbait pussy / uk chavs - all of these searches are in his phone That's just all a bit too much for me along with that one jerk in the toilet. So the poster who mentioned casually asking to borrow his phone when he's off guard then quizzing him as though I've seen it by mistake is absolutely the best answer. I'll just have to make sure it's at a time when he hasn't recently deleted the history so that Its clear that he looks at this stuff every day, and when I've been home. Thanks a lot guys for all of your opinions. I will re post on here as soon as I've done this to give you an update on how it went.
SwordofFlame Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 It's none of your business what porn he watches. They're just fantasies that most people don't act out. For example, aren't there straight women that watch lesbian porn? Are guys that watch lesbian porn going to get a sex change so they can experience lesbian porn? Didn't think so. There's no problem here unless he has illegal material like underage porn or this is effecting your sex life negatively.
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 It's none of your business what porn he watches. They're just fantasies that most people don't act out. For example, aren't there straight women that watch lesbian porn? Are guys that watch lesbian porn going to get a sex change so they can experience lesbian porn? Didn't think so. There's no problem here unless he has illegal material like underage porn or this is effecting your sex life negatively. Let's put this in perspective You get a girlfriend and she asks you to settle down. How would you feel if you moved in then realised that pretty much every time you were just relaxing watching tv after a hard days work and making dinner while she sits there ogling over fit young guys with massive knobs or frantically searching the Internet for pictures of other guys schlongs - 1
katiegrl Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Let's put this in perspective You get a girlfriend and she asks you to settle down. How would you feel if you moved in then realised that pretty much every time you were just relaxing watching tv after a hard days work and making dinner while she sits there ogling over fit young guys with massive knobs or frantically searching the Internet for pictures of other guys schlongs - To add -- and then going off to the bathroom to get herself off while you, SwirdofFlame, are cooking dinner.
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Seriously?? He's watching porn all day AND night when you are home? I don't care what anyone says, he is completely addicted. It's only a matter of time before it starts to effect his life in a negative way, work, hygeine, and already his relationships. This is seriously disturbing that someone can spend all day every day jacking off to this stuff. Dude needs a new hobby. You need a new bf.
truth_seeker Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Seriously?? He's watching porn all day AND night when you are home? I don't care what anyone says, he is completely addicted. It's only a matter of time before it starts to effect his life in a negative way, work, hygeine, and already his relationships. This is seriously disturbing that someone can spend all day every day jacking off to this stuff. Dude needs a new hobby. You need a new bf. He has an addiction or maybe even a condition. The guy may have a strong urge to ejaculate and needs to relieve himself. Seriously.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 It's no big deal to be sexually aroused at a girl looking 14, if she is actually 18? What kind of logic is that. Uh, it's the only "logic". Unless you think we should give such 18yo adults their own drinking fountains, or the like. Heck, maybe we should just tell them "(nobody should ever be sexually aroused looking at you! You look fourteen!!)" ... while pretending that they themselves never contemplated that during 8th to 10th grade. As for the O.P. - she still won't clarify if these "jailbait" teens are ever truly pre-pubescent, or if they are always legal and developed as adults. (... but maaaaaaaaaaybe she doesn't wanna say {in print} ) Furthermore, in most U.S. states, the age of consent is sixteen, so although those 16 and 17 cannot legally appear in porn, they are not unlawful in many areas of the real world. Somebody is either old enough, or they're not... there is no grey area. The OP has since indicated that the volume of the guy's porn usage is through the roof, and that alone suggests that there is far more to be concerned about than (what would be) 18 & 19yo porn. No guy who casually enjoys/uses porn needs to be looking-up all of those categories on his phone during every waking hour of the day. 1
MadJackBird Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I tend to agree with the it's probably an addiction problem crowd. Has he struggled with other addictions in the past? The fact that it is increasing in frequency and his searches are becoming more taboo if you will (Transgender, very young) is red flag to me Addictions can take that route. Like someone who maybe is addicted to pain pills... it starts with maybe one pill. To get the same high you have to take more pills to get the same high. Before you know it it takes 2 or 3 or 5 or 6 pain pills to get the same effect. The dopamine and serotonin released from these "highs" from taking pain pills is similar to someone that is getting the same levels of "high" from viewing porn. But that person may need it more frequently or more extreme to get the same levels. It's science, it's true and I don't agree with the posters that say porn addiction isn't real. On a personal note. My former wife was addicted to pain pills. She never knew how much she was abusing/stealing from the hospital until they showed her the data of how many pills she was diverting/stealing. When faced with the data she was shocked herself how it progressed. On another personal note. I know someone that got thrown into federal jail for viewing child porn. The statements that person said would almost mirror what my wife would say about her pill addiction. They did not realize their porn habit had escalated to such levels or such taboo subjects. It started out tame/legal. If he thinks he has an addicition problem their are a number of good support groups that can help. My recommendation is Celebrate Recovery. If he doesn't think he has a problem, then I would caution you that this could be just the beginning and he probably won't outgrow it, and I'd ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone that is struggling with addictions. They are very difficult to have a healthy one. Good Luck
RedRobin Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Hi thanks, if there's one thing this guy doesn't do then it's neglect the relationship. He is so discreet in his little fetish that more than anything I'm in the wrong for snooping. However, I have and I continue to do so which has lead me to see things that have worried me & I couldn't quite figure if his teen / jailbait things were normal. I think the poster who mentioned that his kinks seem to be escalating is right which is a worry. Some people have asked how I would feel if if we were to have a daughter she she reached teen age.. And again I have thought about that and would I feel uncomfortable with her friends around? If this situation was here now then no I wouldn't feel cool about it.. But that's at lest 16 years away and a 57 year old guy most likely has different interests. As I mentioned he also searches transsexual porn ( videos ) so I really do think the teen think is just a result of having watched so much porn over the years and having to go to extremes.. Guys in all honesty it's not even the watching porn videos I think that's normal and I don't mind it being teen, after all that isn't all he watches and is a sub category on most porn sites. It's him sat on his phone a lot of the day searching - teen pussy / teen cu*t / teen upskirt / slags / uk sluts / jailbait upskirt / jailbait pussy / uk chavs - all of these searches are in his phone That's just all a bit too much for me along with that one jerk in the toilet. So the poster who mentioned casually asking to borrow his phone when he's off guard then quizzing him as though I've seen it by mistake is absolutely the best answer. I'll just have to make sure it's at a time when he hasn't recently deleted the history so that Its clear that he looks at this stuff every day, and when I've been home. Thanks a lot guys for all of your opinions. I will re post on here as soon as I've done this to give you an update on how it went. I beg to differ on the bolded, but perhaps my definition of neglect is different than yours. Anything that takes significant time and energy away from an area of your relationship that is supposed to be reserved exclusively for you IS neglect. The time and energy he is spending on this activity seems significant... Enough for you to start a thread about it. One day you are upset, the next day you minimize it. This AND the content of the porn. I should also add that your assumption that a 57 year old would change his tastes (the age he'd be if you had teenagers) is completely unreasonable. If anything, it will be more entrenched and likely escalating. These things don't just go away. Usually just the opposite. I think you ought to seriously consider the other reasons you stay with this guy. Are you afraid you can't find someone else? Anyway, it does deserve a discussion with him. I am generally not a fan of snooping, but I also tend to trust my instincts and act on them. The fact that you felt the need to snoop is telling in itself. When I get to that point, I realize that I don't trust the guy... You don't trust him, and I can see why. Tell me again why this relationship is so perfect? 1
carhill Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 Ha, ha, can I borrow some of that guy's testosterone? Seriously, if you're cooking dinner while he's whacking to teen porn, well, yikes. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 It sounds like a major addiction that he needs help with. I`m not sure if you can fix it unless he realizes how bad it is. I`m not sure if the fact that it`s teen porn is nearly as big of an issue as the amount he`s viewing it. As for the teen porn thing, like others have said, these are legal aged women. Yeah they may look high school aged, but men are biologically attracted to high school aged girls. That doesn`t make him a deviant sexual predator.
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 18, 2016 Author Posted January 18, 2016 (edited) It sounds like a major addiction that he needs help with. I`m not sure if you can fix it unless he realizes how bad it is. I`m not sure if the fact that it`s teen porn is nearly as big of an issue as the amount he`s viewing it. As for the teen porn thing, like others have said, these are legal aged women. Yeah they may look high school aged, but men are biologically attracted to high school aged girls. That doesn`t make him a deviant sexual predator. I've researched and jailbait = under the age of Concent. To actively search this in my opinion is not ok... Certainly not for a 41 year old man. It's a term used to search for people that appear or are under the age of Concent and you have no idea whether the images that appear on your phone will be legal or illegal. Get a grip on your attitude. Look, saying its not bad is irritating me - of course it is. He searched jilbait and What I do understand is why men think it's possibly OK to search such things due to the slack attitude of porn sites these days. This isn't something he searches regularly such as teen porn and he hasn't searched it since, which is my problem here. The teen thing I can deal with but he went in and searched for this just once. He didn't scroll across the imagines by mistake. Hence my dilemma and situation. I've watched gay porn before - I am not a gay man and would never want to be in this scenario in real life, this is my struggle.. To know if it's wrong or a kink I should ignore? Edited January 18, 2016 by Arabellad25
GunslingerRoland Posted January 18, 2016 Posted January 18, 2016 I know jailbait technically means under the age of consent. But at least on the porn sites I've been to, I see terms like teen and jailbait used interchangeable for women under 25. Just like you see terms like MILF used for women over 25 (regardless of whether they have kids or are old enough to be a mother of at least a teenager). I get why it bothers you, but I'll say this. If he's searching these things on Google he's probably not looking at/for actual teenage pornography. I'm sure he could find stuff like that if he wanted to, but not like that. 1
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 Well he denied it And got defensive. Which is understandable. I didn't approach him in an accusing way just got home asked to borrow his phone, of course he said yes then said I'd seen his search history and what he had been searching was incredibly disrespectful, I said I needed space to think and decide how I feel. He basically denied it all, we can send each other silly photos occasionally - porn orientated ones, or we have done in the past for fun. He said he was searching for pics to send me. I know this isn't true as I've seen him scroll through pages and pages of innapropriate stuff for months now. Anyway - he said the teen pussy and jailbait searches he hadn't done and that they must be a pop up. I pointed out it was a google image search. Anyway throughout I never once accused and said I just didn't know how I felt about it. Tried to keep it light so he would know I was hurt and hopefully realise it's not OK. Well he hasn't admired a thing but hopefully it will have been a shock to his system and he will re think before searching out these images while I'm in the house. What do you guys think? I guess I expected a defensive reaction as if the situation was reversed on me I would say anything I could to get out of it. He got pretty angry at me afterwards as I stayed calm collective and thoughtful. As I hadn't believed his "virus" or it's a mistake thing he basically said I must not be in love with him, otherwise I'd believe what he said without question. ( at this point I actually felt sorry for him as he was so desperate for the situation to go away ) anyway I said calmly - look I know and you know the truth and it's hurtful that you are now deflecting this on to me and asking me to apologise. Anyway we went to sleep and haven't spoken about it today. I do love this guy and know that he doesn't usually search the jailbait thing, so what now? I'm not sure I achieved what I should have done.. But maybe him knowing that I'm aware and do not think its ok is enough for him to change his habits even without him admiring it? Either that or he will just be more careful about deleting his history. Since waking up we haven't discussed it at all and he gave me a big hug straight away and told me he loves me a lot... We're both just working from home acting like nothing really happened. What do I guys think?
Leucine Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) Lol he won't change, he will just do it more discreetly in the future and continue denying it all while insisting that you don't love him if you don't believe in his lies. You have to properly confront him about his lying, even if you're fine with him searching for teen pussy it's not acceptable to lie in your face about the searches "being a pop up" or accuse YOU of anything. Edited January 19, 2016 by Leucine 1
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I think you handled it very nicely and maturely. Bravo for that! At the amount of time he was devoting to this he won't just stop. He may try for a few days because now he feels trapped and guilty but it won't last, he'll quickly get back into it. He will just be more careful about not leaving traces behind. His reaction leads me to think he is deep into this. Total deniel, accusatory toward you etc. Anyone telling you " if you'd love me you would......" is being manipulative to get his way out of something. 4
Emilia Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Please check out the addiction section OP. Shaming and denial are part of the process. You are out of your depth. 5
VeveCakes Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 Yep, my ex did the same thing. Always swore he would give it up, he wouldn't watch it blah blah. I didn't even have to see his phone, I knew by the way he treated me he had been watching it. He lied so many times, it ultimately helped destroy our marriage. If he was honest it would have changed everything. He won't change so you have to decide whether you can accept it or not. I couldn't and now I'm divorced and happy
MadJackBird Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 He is blame shifting, and gaslighting. Step one he needs to admit he has a problem and want to get better. It won't get better on his own. Go back and re-read my last post and others talking about addiction. 2
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