WaitingForBardot Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hey thanks. Is there a way I can bring this up without him knowing I was snooping? Like I feel I should but really don't want it to risk ruining such a good thing we have or for him to continue but in a more secretive / sneaky way. I mean I feel like people should make their own choices and not be told what not to do by a partner.... Can you recommend how or what to say tHt will make it as least awkward as possible for him? Here's the thing, and you can take it with a grain of salt because I'm a man: I think the snooping, the implicit lack of trust, is a much bigger red flag than a grown man that **gasp** likes to see women he finds attractive, naked! Oh, the humanity... ..lol.. Many women/men clearly find any porn habit to be a deal breaker, and rationalize it as an absolute indicator of all kinds of personal failings, but many others, including you, do not. I think you just need to clear the air with him to get a better handle on what you both want/expect from the other. Personally, I'd be pretty annoyed that you were snooping as opposed to just talking with me about something that was bothering you. 1
mike_89 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I get he must have an addiction from before we met.. Disturbing as the content may sound so far it really sounds nothing like an addiction from a clinical point of view. An addiction requires one to be dependent, unable to stop and it has to negatively impact ones daily life and responsibilities. Read through this for example or read this story. "Her obsession didn’t just destroy her relationship – it caused her to lose her job and friends and run up crippling debts from subscribing to hardcore sites." That is what an addiction is like, what you are describing is simply a guy who jerks off daily to porn.
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I don't think it's the porn is truly the addiction but the need for constant sexual stimulation is leaning more towards a sex addiction.
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Disturbing as the content may sound so far it really sounds nothing like an addiction from a clinical point of view. An addiction requires one to be dependent, unable to stop and it has to negatively impact ones daily life and responsibilities. Read through this for example or read this story. "Her obsession didn’t just destroy her relationship – it caused her to lose her job and friends and run up crippling debts from subscribing to hardcore sites." That is what an addiction is like, what you are describing is simply a guy who jerks off daily to porn. She does not need to let it get to that point to leave the relationship. She can decide what's her limit without it coming from a medical book. My ex was addicted to sex. He had sex with different women on weekly basis from his secretary to hiring escorts. He was still able to have a successful career and hide it from me. 2
mike_89 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 She does not need to let it get to that point to leave the relationship. She can decide what's her limit without it coming from a medical book. My ex was addicted to sex. He had sex with different women on weekly basis from his secretary to hiring escorts. He was still able to have a successful career and hide it from me. That doesn't make it any less wrong to call it an addiction. It's not, and if she does break up with him for it, she can not be honest and say that she broke up for a porn addiction at the same time. It would mean that she broke up because she could not deal with his habits and that is something entirely different. What you are describing is really an addiction: it caused your ex to cheat continuously thereby destroying your relation. That is one of the things that is meant by "negatively impact ones daily life" (not to mention "negatively affects your relationships"). He was unable to stop and could apparently not live without doing these things, and it destroyed a relationship. This does not compare to what OP is describing, and there is no slippery slope (She does not need to let it get to that point). That he is consuming what OP considers to be an unhealthy amount of porn does not mean that he will increase his consumption anywhere in the future.
CarrieT Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Neurosciences announced last year that porn is not an "addiction."
preraph Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Look, this is where you MUST get off the boat. Have you not heard all the stories of busting someone for child porn and then all their friends and contacts too because they're sharing stuff? There are real people in porn with really messed up lives and the younger they are, the more the victim they are. It's not okay. He may go to jail and take you with him someday. 2
WaitingForBardot Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Look, this is where you MUST get off the boat. Have you not heard all the stories of busting someone for child porn and then all their friends and contacts too because they're sharing stuff? There are real people in porn with really messed up lives and the younger they are, the more the victim they are. It's not okay. He may go to jail and take you with him someday. Sorry if I offend, but this is reductio ad absurdum at its finest... In the space of a couple of pages, we've gone from viewing teen porn, which is largely just a catch-all for porn featuring young, but of-age women without surgically enhanced bodies/faces, to lusting after someone's pre-teen nieces, to child porn and distribution. You can't be serious... ..lol.. How can someone address their actual problem, if that problem is repeatedly mischaracterized and erroneously extrapolated to such absurd lengths? Short answer: You can't! Anecdotal evidence that some men, and some women for that matter, are perverts and do such things is just that, anecdotal, and in no way indicative of the behavior of the majority. 1
preraph Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Teens are no more equipped to foresee consequences than children are. The part of our brains that can foresee consequences isn't fully formed until mid-twenties or so. Let's wait until you have an 18-year-old daughter and see if you want her on video on her knees with one guy in her mouth and one behind her. 3
stillafool Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 He may be 41 and you 29 but I hate to tell you this but to him you are an old woman. This guy has a teen fetish and it's not going to go away. He probably likes them in their pre-teens. Just yuk! How can you still be with him? 2
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I find it highly disturbing that a 40 yo man has a teen porn addiction. These teen porn are portrayed with pony tails, high socks, school uniforms, teddy bears, lolly pops, all items we identify more with 12 years old than 18 years old. Look at the 18 yo out there, is it how they look?? NO. The teen you see in teen-porn are made to look like KIDS, pre-puberty little girls!! 4
Robert Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Let's remember there is a difference in Teen porn and Lolita porn. The thread starter is looking for help and taking this discussion to the levels it has already gone isn't helpful, this thread is not to be used as a thread to show your disgust with porn but a thread to help the poster with her problem. Thanks and let's keep the topic narrowed down to helping the thread starter 1
Tayla Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 a habit is brushing teeth and bathing. This gent has an obsession. Consider discussing this with a professional counselor for further advisal. If an obsession is creating problems in the relationship, its time to resolve . How long has he gone without incorporating this obsession. ? Ask him to cease it temporarily, his response will tell you how serious it is. Most involved in this will fight to the death if anyone request them to stop temporaily. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hi he has been in 2 long term relationships both over 5 years and both the same age. One he bought a house with then they ended up as still friends, no hostility at all. The other moved abroad and although they tried to keep it going for a year or so she decided to stay there for good and it ended. He was single a year then met me. His friends and family are all fab and say they are thankful he is finally so happy with someone... They all kind of think marriage is on the cards By the same age I mean the same age as him. There's nothing odd about him other than the teen thing My 2 cents on this..... Him looking at porn is fine. The issue is if it means you are not having sex snd instead he is substituting the porn for you. Is there any kink with the type of porn he looks at? He seems to like to look at college age porn. How open are you to do different things? If you are just missionary and never do oral sex then this could be a big isdue. Compatability is an issue snd it isn't just your personality and likes, but also stuff in the bedroom.
mike_89 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Once again with all the people deeming his porn consumption extraordinary and obsessive. Such judgements. In this day and age it is as normal to consume porn (the norm for single males being 3 times a week, 40 minutes per time, for men in a relationship 1.7 times per week, 20 minutes per time) as it is for people to spend 4 hours a day on their smartphone. His consumption is more than the norm, sure, but is it deviant? Highly doubt so. The line for problematic behaviour is usually drawn at 11 hours of porn consumption per week (addiction can never be solely diagnosed with simply an amount of time but for the sake of argument....). OP, just ask him how many hours a week he spends consuming porn, that will give you an idea of whether or not his consumption is problematic (though I think the fact that he isn't staying up half the night to watch porn should give you the hint).
TunaCat Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 He has a fantasy alright ! Having sex with under-age girls who's body are not fully developed yet. That would bother me a great deal. The porn does not bother me, his choice of porn does though. Gaeta said it perfectly. It's not the porn itself that I'd have a problem with, it's the kind of porn that would be a massive issue to me. Underage girls don't have bodies that are fully developed and I found out the guy I was seeing liked this kind of stuff, that would be a deal-breaker to me. OP, you need to address this with him. Do not just sit back and take this. You also need to decide for yourself if this is okay with you. My feeling is that it's not, and that's okay. You are allowed to voice that something is not okay with you. You are allowed to leave the relationship if you decide to. 1
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Once again with all the people deeming his porn consumption extraordinary and obsessive. Such judgements. In this day and age it is as normal to consume porn (the norm for single males being 3 times a week, 40 minutes per time, for men in a relationship 1.7 times per week, 20 minutes per time) as it is for people to spend 4 hours a day on their smartphone. His consumption is more than the norm, sure, but is it deviant? Highly doubt so. The line for problematic behaviour is usually drawn at 11 hours of porn consumption per week (addiction can never be solely diagnosed with simply an amount of time but for the sake of argument....). OP, just ask him how many hours a week he spends consuming porn, that will give you an idea of whether or not his consumption is problematic (though I think the fact that he isn't staying up half the night to watch porn should give you the hint). Again, it's not so much the fact he watches a lot of porn, but the type of porn he watches.
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Is there any kink with the type of porn he looks at? He seems to like to look at college age porn. I would not call teen-porn college girl it's more like high school girls. Teen: Adolescence [/url] is a transitional stage of physical and psychological human development that generally occurs during the period from puberty to legal adulthood It's about sex with girls between 13 to 18.
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 My 2 cents on this..... Him looking at porn is fine. The issue is if it means you are not having sex snd instead he is substituting the porn for you. Is there any kink with the type of porn he looks at? He seems to like to look at college age porn. How open are you to do different things? If you are just missionary and never do oral sex then this could be a big isdue. Compatability is an issue snd it isn't just your personality and likes, but also stuff in the bedroom. Hi thanks but I didn't mention st any point out sex life bring an issue. I do oral, I initiate, we havevsex in ms y positions however he usuallylijes to finish in one wa. IM not prude and very open... If anything it's me that could do with things spicing up. Although in my defence he's very accommodating to my high sex drive, even when he's not in the mood. So it hasn't interrupted our sex life as of yet and hopefully won't. It's the content of some of his porn and I worry it's getting out of hand and wether to bring that up with him
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Once again with all the people deeming his porn consumption extraordinary and obsessive. Such judgements. In this day and age it is as normal to consume porn (the norm for single males being 3 times a week, 40 minutes per time, for men in a relationship 1.7 times per week, 20 minutes per time) as it is for people to spend 4 hours a day on their smartphone. His consumption is more than the norm, sure, but is it deviant? Highly doubt so. The line for problematic behaviour is usually drawn at 11 hours of porn consumption per week (addiction can never be solely diagnosed with simply an amount of time but for the sake of argument....). OP, just ask him how many hours a week he spends consuming porn, that will give you an idea of whether or not his consumption is problematic (though I think the fact that he isn't staying up half the night to watch porn should give you the hint). He works from home, his phone history alone indicates he checks it out all day, as I mentioned also while I'm cooking dinner or in another room I know he's looking at pics of teens on blog sites. So the actual videos he watches in the day time as well. To me that's excessive 1
Author Arabellad25 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Thanks. He is a lovely man, we are perfect in every way other than this. I'm not a victim of trapped he just has weird kinks that I dislike. I was hoping for advice on how to bring this up WITHOUT ruining an otherwise perfect relationship
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I've realised he is in to teen porn ( he's 41 and I'm 29) ok teen porn is fine... however this week I saw he'd been looking at jailbait pics which made me feel sick , also we were watching some day time tv with a pretty girl on, he went and searched for pictures of her nude which pissed me right off. Hi, again thanks. He didn't search infront of me. We were watching and he was taking the mock out of the presenter saying "yeah, your just thinking about what you want to do to her after the show" - I kind of snapped back saying. ehm he's probably not - she looks about 14" And when i SAW HIS Google history later - there is was, searching for her nude. Makes me cringe Hi, I don't feel you are being very clear. For even you yourself admit that "teen porn is fine" (and I KNOW that we are all implying "18 & 19" when we write that). You also reference "jailbait" porn... but we need to understand whether you are at all talking about truly pre-pubescent porn, or anything like that. The idea of discerning between a girl who is age eighteen, and someone who pretends in porn to be age 17 3/4 is probably not worth debating, considering that people in porn tend to be documented as being age 18. And if someone "looks about 14"... tell me, should we take away her right to VOTE? OR should we regard her as an adult, and grant her all of the rights known to adults? I really liked the vibe you gave of you boldly watching porn with him... (because the last thing you want to do is go off the deep end, and risk driving him nearer to the porn, and further away from you) (contrary to the instincts of m-m-m-m-most women with your predicament) SO IF YOU yourself conclude with your logical mind that all of those girls pictured in any porn he views, must be at least eighteen years of age, then he isn't someone with a (problem which may draw the attention of the law). That he raced to try to find a nude photo of some random-to-US-here person from TV, isn't THAT outlandish. I am guessing that IF this person on TV were truly A KID, that your boyfriend would never have envisioned finding such a photo online, and thus wouldn't likely have tried... IF indeed the person on TV is 18 or 20, and in your estimation "looks about 14"... then how about not thinking less of that person just because of her appearance? I can't quite solve your riddle of how to bring it up without revealing that you were snooping... but in some of those shared porn sessions, you can negotiate/TOLERATE some very honest, sharing of what each of you are really drawn to... and in time, his trend toward teen porn will surface... and it is not a big deal (provided they are all "legal" )
Popsicle Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Dump his azz and leave him to his porn. If you don't want to dump him, then deal with it because he isn't stopping! 1
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hi, IF indeed the person on TV is 18 or 20, and in your estimation "looks about 14"... then how about not thinking less of that person just because of her appearance? It's no big deal to be sexually aroused at a girl looking 14, if she is actually 18? What kind of logic is that. It still makes him attracted toward bodies of girls in middle of puberty. You think he leaves that fetish home when he goes out and he's not turned on by the 13 yo girl next door? 1
katiegrl Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hi thanks but I didn't mention st any point out sex life bring an issue. I do oral, I initiate, we havevsex in ms y positions however he usuallylijes to finish in one wa. IM not prude and very open... If anything it's me that could do with things spicing up. Although in my defence he's very accommodating to my high sex drive, even when he's not in the mood. So it hasn't interrupted our sex life as of yet and hopefully won't. It's the content of some of his porn and I worry it's getting out of hand and wether to bring that up with him Not to sound like an alarmest, but things like this do tend to escslate. Not always but often. Like with any potential addiction, it starts out with occasional use (be it drugs, alcohol or viewing porn, teen porn, etc.). Then it gradually increases over time..... until before they know it, they're addicted... which causes a whole slew of problems. So be careful with that, be aware. It is good you are concerned and addressing it (even if, for now, it's just with us). Eventually, you will need to address with him...if you choose to stay. And yeah I do agree. Your hearing him jerking off in the bathroom while you're in the other room? Ick. Not sure I could ever get past that one....but if you can, more power to ya! Good luck! 1
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