soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hello all I met a guy last night for a quick drink (OLD). He was friendly and interested in seeing me again and despite not feeling like I fancied him, found him to be very interesting - I would consider seeing him again. Here's the 'but'.. I noticed he wasn't drinking alcohol, only a lime and soda, I said 'I'm having a dry January too, had a heavy Christmas!' He then said he doesn't drink and hasn't done for 8 years. I didn't act shocked, just said that's sometimes a choice people make for whatever reason. He then proceeded to tell me that he used to be quite 'crazy' into drinking, had 2 DUIs and a driving licence ban and that he didn't want to settle down previously because he didn't like who he was as a person and was a very angry person. At this point I was pretty taken aback at this admission- again I didn't act shocked or whatnot, just said something supportive. He also stated his age as 36, but looked much older (he was quite weathered looking) which made me think his drinking days had either ravaged him or he was lying about his age too! Later on, he was asking me what my star sign was, he told me he was a Taurus. I joked and said how much like a bull are you? He said fairly...hot headed, passionate, stubborn. I'm thinking I don't want to discount someone just because they may have had an unsavoury past, but feel these are things I need to be realistic about. He's not had a relationship for 5/6 years also. Are these major red flags for anyone else?
GemmaUK Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 The angry part would be a deal breaker for me. 2
TheArtist Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 He was friendly and interested in seeing me again and despite not feeling like I fancied him, found him to be very interesting - I would consider seeing him again. This bit here may be your answer. Did you wake up this morning thinking, 'He was actually kind of cute, I'd kiss that guy', or is it more that he's interesting and would be better as a friend? Or an acquaintance. Or moment in your past. I have to agree with Gemma on the anger thing though. He was quite forward in telling you that. 2
Author soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 This bit here may be your answer. Did you wake up this morning thinking, 'He was actually kind of cute, I'd kiss that guy', or is it more that he's interesting and would be better as a friend? Or an acquaintance. Or moment in your past. I have to agree with Gemma on the anger thing though. He was quite forward in telling you that. I think any attraction I may have felt was kind of squashed by him admitting he used to be a very angry person and his 'crazy' years. I'm not one to dismiss so easily though hence me pondering over seeing him again. I still can't get the guy I saw over Christmas out of my head (we had two dates) and I'm really trying to just get a grip about it! Have another coffee date today with a different guy so will see how that goes. 1
upnorth Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Perhaps this gentleman is in recovery ? I know from being in that situation, sometimes it's hard to figure out what to share on a first date. If that's the case....he may have been single for that period of time due to all of the immense changes he's been going through/has gone through. May have shared out of fear you would find these things out on your own.... Sometimes, people who have recovered from an addiction are the best to date, as most who have sucessfully done so have undergone massive self work. That being said, anger would be a huge red flag to me, and it would be difficult to know if he's worked through it or not... If you found him interesting, I would say hang out again with that in the back of your mind.
Emilia Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hard to tell but people who are capable of making big changes in their lives and face their demons are to be respected. They are the strong ones. The key is to see whether he replaced one addiction with another. 6
Author soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Thanks for reading/replying, appreciate hearing your thoughts. I fear he may have replaced his drinking addiction with work, from what he said. He was very keen on seeing me again, but having thought about it, I don't think I will see him again. :-( Another one bites the dust.
Buddhist Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 He then said he doesn't drink and hasn't done for 8 years. I didn't act shocked, just said that's sometimes a choice people make for whatever reason. He then proceeded to tell me that he used to be quite 'crazy' into drinking, had 2 DUIs and a driving licence ban and that he didn't want to settle down previously because he didn't like who he was as a person and was a very angry person. He's come to terms with the fact he's an alcoholic and has done the hard work of admission and recovery as well as committed to abstinence. That's not a red flag. It would be a red flag if he as swilling beer or spirits while merrily telling you the same story. At this point I was pretty taken aback at this admission- again I didn't act shocked or whatnot, just said something supportive. You'd prefer that he lied to you and made up some BS story about loving lime and soda? Okay..... He also stated his age as 36, but looked much older (he was quite weathered looking) which made me think his drinking days had either ravaged him or he was lying about his age too! I wouldn't necessarily think he's lying about his age. He hasn't lied about his past and well it's easy for many people to look older than they actually are particularly if they were previously alcoholics. Later on, he was asking me what my star sign was, he told me he was a Taurus. I joked and said how much like a bull are you? He said fairly...hot headed, passionate, stubborn. Sounds like he's realistic about his shortcomings. At least you know he's aware of what they are. Would you have preferred him to spill some comforting lie instead? He's not had a relationship for 5/6 years also. I was single for 5yrs between my 2 previous relationships. Does that make me a terrible person, or someone who takes time to properly recover and reflect on a broken relationship? 7
Author soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 He's come to terms with the fact he's an alcoholic and has done the hard work of admission and recovery as well as committed to abstinence. That's not a red flag. It would be a red flag if he as swilling beer or spirits while merrily telling you the same story. You'd prefer that he lied to you and made up some BS story about loving lime and soda? Okay..... I wouldn't necessarily think he's lying about his age. He hasn't lied about his past and well it's easy for many people to look older than they actually are particularly if they were previously alcoholics. Sounds like he's realistic about his shortcomings. At least you know he's aware of what they are. Would you have preferred him to spill some comforting lie instead? I was single for 5yrs between my 2 previous relationships. Does that make me a terrible person, or someone who takes time to properly recover and reflect on a broken relationship? I'm appreciative that he was honest, but I don't think that level of honesty is required after sitting chatting with someone for 5 minutes, it felt like he spilled his guts. And I wasn't bashing him for not being in a relationship a few years, that was background on him, feel you may have taken offence on his behalf where that's concerned? Unfortunately, I have experience of alcoholism and the fallout it creates thereafter and it didn't result in a good ending and was always 'aware' of it, despite this person being in recovery. This person was a family member. It has painful connotations for me.
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I think you were disappointed he looked older (weathered) and that's why your mind is making a list of things it perceives as negative. It's ok, it's a sign you should move to next. You should look up to the man you want to date, not the other way around. 2
campeo Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Gaeta is on to something. When the general feeling is not there, people tend to make long lists of red flags to justify ending it, whether it is one date or the end of a one year relationship. And if you are looking for faults or red flags in people, you will always find them. Alcohol is something people in recovery get out of the way early. One, they have to explain it somehow. Two, they need to ensure the person they are dating are accepting. A lot of people are not. The spilling the guts about being single for 5 years is a bit off on a first date unless asked "when was your last serious relationship," but these aren't necessarily red flags. A red flag would be putting you down, speaking rudely to servers and talking poorly about other persons. Oversharing may be a turnoff but I don't think it is a red flag. It seems like you just aren't feeling attracted to him and there is nothing bad about his character at this stage. 6
dobielover Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hard to tell but people who are capable of making big changes in their lives and face their demons are to be respected. They are the strong ones. The key is to see whether he replaced one addiction with another. Bingo. 10 char.
truth_seeker Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I guess time will tell if you continue to see him. You hope that at age 36 he has his life together. He has grown from his past and is an overall better person today than he was years prior. For me, the anger admission would be a flag. All it takes is for one mood swing and he will erupt.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I'm appreciative that he was honest, but I don't think that level of honesty is required after sitting chatting with someone for 5 minutes, it felt like he spilled his guts. And I wasn't bashing him for not being in a relationship a few years, that was background on him, feel you may have taken offence on his behalf where that's concerned? Unfortunately, I have experience of alcoholism and the fallout it creates thereafter and it didn't result in a good ending and was always 'aware' of it, despite this person being in recovery. This person was a family member. It has painful connotations for me. I am married to an alcoholic in recovery and my father is an active alcoholic (I don't mean that he exercises regularly). Personally, the flag for me was the over sharing. My husband is aggressive when he drinks but completely not when sober. In fact, he's a completely different person, very loving/lovable. My father is a total nut either way. Personally, for me, I wouldn't date a guy with a record. Period. I don't care how long ago it was. Him saying he "was an angry person" is probably totally fair and how he reacted with the alcohol. Eight years of sobriety is a pretty good run as well. However, sharing about his immature and addicted past so early suggests that he still has a lot of insecurity / needs reassurance about it. Even if he's trying to be "honest and upfront" about it. It's too soon. That's the kind of stuff you cover just prior to making a committment, when you see if you get along, have good chemistry etc. You shouldn't be having to wonder on Date 2: is this guy going to have "too much fun?" No one needs to see the worst of you on Date One. 2
Author soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Gaeta is on to something. When the general feeling is not there, people tend to make long lists of red flags to justify ending it, whether it is one date or the end of a one year relationship. And if you are looking for faults or red flags in people, you will always find them. The spilling the guts about being single for 5 years is a bit off on a first date unless asked "when was your last serious relationship," but these aren't necessarily red flags. A red flag would be putting you down, speaking rudely to servers and talking poorly about other persons. Oversharing may be a turnoff but I don't think it is a red flag. I wasn't looking for a red flag, I couldn't help feeling this, I'm very open minded but any concerns raised on a date are my prerogative and can only be honest with myself as to how I feel. Also, to clarify, it's not the over sharing that was a red flag, it's the subject matter. I was taken aback by the oversharing..we had just literally sat down to chat and away he went. Anywho, I think I've made my mind up so will do the right thing and let him know my thoughts. Chalk it up to experience as I'm tending to do a lot these days!
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 When a person is on the road to sobriety, it is recommended that they abstain from serious relationships and focus on being sober. It sounds to me he has been on a tough road. They are encouraged to talk about it, so nothing shocking about his confession at all. It's all part of AA, the 12 steps, etc. Also alcoholism is usually just a symptom of other more serious issues like depression or other mental illnesses. I personally would never date someone who doesn't drink whether they had a problem with it or not. It's how I socialize, and I would want someone who is into trying different craft beers or can have a drink when we are out for dinner. Just my two cents. 1
Author soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 When a person is on the road to sobriety, it is recommended that they abstain from serious relationships and focus on being sober. It sounds to me he has been on a tough road. They are encouraged to talk about it, so nothing shocking about his confession at all. It's all part of AA, the 12 steps, etc. Also alcoholism is usually just a symptom of other more serious issues like depression or other mental illnesses. I personally would never date someone who doesn't drink whether they had a problem with it or not. It's how I socialize, and I would want someone who is into trying different craft beers or can have a drink when we are out for dinner. Just my two cents. There may be better women out there for him than me, he didn't fully tell me what 'crazy' things he got up to whilst he used to drink, only that he would wake up with huge regrets after drinking huge amounts. I personally would struggle to date a sober guy; alcohol is a social aspect of my life. Gah. I guess there's a lid for every pan!
Buddhist Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I'm appreciative that he was honest, but I don't think that level of honesty is required after sitting chatting with someone for 5 minutes, it felt like he spilled his guts. It always amazes me how easily people are offended by someone with less than stellar social skills. This affliction seems worse than leprosy to many people. Just an observation. I've noted in my life that people will forgive nearly anything except this. It's a priority I don't share so I find it curious. And I wasn't bashing him for not being in a relationship a few years, that was background on him, feel you may have taken offence on his behalf where that's concerned? You can feel whatever you like, but why would I take offence on behalf of someone I've never met? That's an odd conclusion to come to. I was offering the perspective that merely being single for a period of time isn't necessarily a red flag. Unfortunately, I have experience of alcoholism and the fallout it creates thereafter and it didn't result in a good ending and was always 'aware' of it, despite this person being in recovery. This person was a family member. It has painful connotations for me. That's fine, you're allowed to make that choice. I was curious why you weren't calling him an alcoholic and instead decided to describe his behaviour as some kind of oddity. It isn't, he's just an alcoholic. No need to beat about the bush with that label. 1
Author soph-walker Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 It always amazes me how easily people are offended by someone with less than stellar social skills. This affliction seems worse than leprosy to many people. Just an observation. I've noted in my life that people will forgive nearly anything except this. It's a priority I don't share so I find it curious. You can feel whatever you like, but why would I take offence on behalf of someone I've never met? That's an odd conclusion to come to. I was offering the perspective that merely being single for a period of time isn't necessarily a red flag. That's fine, you're allowed to make that choice. I was curious why you weren't calling him an alcoholic and instead decided to describe his behaviour as some kind of oddity. It isn't, he's just an alcoholic. No need to beat about the bush with that label. Your opinions, all of which you're quite entitled to. I feel we must agree to disagree. There's no 'affliction', nor red flag for the fact he hadn't been in a relationship for quite some time, as I had stated, this was to provide some background on the guy, other than his problems with alcohol.
Emilia Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Agree DoT, having thought more about this. Oversharing is a sign of leaky boundaries and we both know how important boundaries are.
preraph Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I know perfectly good people who used to be alcoholics and got sober, which is great and shows good character. The anger part is what worries me. He told you about it. I mean, yes, alcohol can exacerbate rage, but the rage is in you and could come out without the alcohol. Since he opened the subject, I would ask him how bad his anger got and how it manifested. I'd even ask him if he ever got violent with a woman. I'd ask him if he's taken anger-management courses and feels it's under control now, or if it's still unpredictable "uncontrolled rage." I'm familiar with all this because it runs in my family. Something in childhood usually triggers a rage from time to time and people cannot always see it coming or control it soon enough. A key question to ask about this is, Have you ever gone off on someone at work?" Because if he can control himself with some people but takes it out on women or family, that's not great if you're women or family -- and that's how a lot of ragers are. It's good he opened with it, but you can't be sure if it's a warning or a confession. So find out if when he said "anger," he meant violent anger or verbal abuse or both. Find out if he's dealt with the anger in particular and feels in control of himself or not. Maybe he'll be honest.
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