LilAngel Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Please, someone help me. Lately I have been getting intense anxiety attacks that can last for hours or all day long. I feel so miserable even when I am not anxious that I cannot enjoy anything. I used to be rather happy and never experienced things such as this. Then early this year I got into a fight with my mother and she called the police hoping they would calm the situation down. (ironically, she started the fight and harassed me by following me around and yelling at me for about a half an hour before I even started to get mad. She was abusive to me as a child and we have always had a rocky relationship since then.) Instead, they arrested me against her wishes. I spent one night in jail and almost right away the anxiety started when I got out of jail. I could feel it building inside of me, and one day I had an experience unlike anything ever. I could not think straight, or type, or spell words, or do anything. I felt like something inside me was about to snap and I started shaking and I couldn't do anything but lay on the floor and cry in such misery like I never knew and I thought I was loosing my mind and could not make it stop. I finally crawled into the bedroom and sat down with a picture of the Sacred Heart and prayed so intensely with tears coming down my face and after about 40 minutes of this I felt an extraordinary peace come over me. It went away and nothing that intense has ever returned. But sometimes I still think of it and I feel so upset and afraid and unhappy over the jail thing. Why would something like that be so traumatic? I know my mom feels really guilty about it and is so angry that they arrested me but it makes me resent her so much especially because I did not deserve to be arrested at all. But then my bofriend grew very abusive with me. Slapping me, pushing me, pulling my hair. He had been revealing more and more a very sadistic side when we were intimate, and I tried to go along with some things I thought were harmless but he smacked me so hard once when we were being intimate that I started crying so hard. I think about that a lot. He also makes me feel as though the only reason he wants to be with me is because I am pretty and wealthy. He constantly brags to people excessively about how "hot" I am, how wealthy I am. He brings people out just to show them my car and brag about all the features it has and to tell them how much it cost! I never used to care that much about my looks, but I have progresively become so obsessed over it that I feel like I cannot be pretty enough or good enough (he always talks about his super gorgeous NFL cheerleader ex-wife and brags about it to others in front of me, making me feel like he would be more proud of me if I was like that. He tells me to make sure I look "hot" when we go out so he can show me off. If I do not have makeup on or my hair done, he excuses how "rough" I look to others.) If anyone has ever read Anna Karenina by Tolstoy, I feel exactly like she felt in that book. I feel like I am going out of my mind. I used to be very Catholic and happy when I met him and this man has caused me to go against everything I ever believed and it is wearing on me so much. I used to be happy and kind, now I am hateful all of the time and miserable. I don't know why I am feeling so anxious and terrible all of the time and I guess it has a lot to do with these circumstances but I do not know what to do to escape. I am afraid of him and at the same time I love him so much. I am always afraid that he is going to hurt me or do something to get back at me, and he even threatened me once that if I ever left him he would do something to "land him in prison for life" because he wouldn't be able to take another woman leaving him. Sometimes I am actually afraid to go out with him if we have been in a fight because I do not know if he is being nice to get me to meet him and then he will hurt me. Also, recently he was holding an injured bird and when I came back he said it had died but I swore I felt he had killed it, (i wanted to take it to a emergency place and he was mad because he didnt want to go. he thought that was ruining our evening together so I thought he might have killed it just to get out of going which is so terrible.) and later he started talking about how he studies serial killers and how they have this cruel side where they like to burn things and hurt things and it made me think of the bird and wonder if he would hurt me. I know I must sound like the most stupid loser for all of this but he was so kind in the beginning and he has such a wonderful side and all of this has escelated over a period of over a year and a half so by the time these things kept seeping out I was so in love with him I wanted to keep seeing the good and not the bad. Anyways, please someone help. I dont know what to do. I just want this misery and anxiety to stop and to go back to the person I used to be. I am so afraid I am too damaged. Will I ever get back to that place of goodness that I once had or is it too late?? What do I do? Why did going to jail have such a traumatic effect on me?
moon Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Somewhere in your words I can understand what you are saying. I too have a somewhat poor relationship with my mother. I too had an ex-boyfriend who had a lot of his own issues and didn't treat me right and I too just started having anxiety attacks last week and they suck so much!! I am getting past the ex-boyfriend thing. It's been long enough. It's been over seven months since I was dumped hard. But I have been reading about panic attacks and anxiety attacks and sometimes they occur as much as six months to 12 months after the major stress occurs. Sometimes when something bad happens to us we can repress it enough for a while and think we are dealing with it and then bang all of a sudden panic attacks start because we really haven't properly dealt with our stress at all. You sound like you're in a heap of trouble. Not to sound superficial or shallow but the good news girl is that you've got money. So use some on yourself. Get yourself a GOOD therapist. You need to find some coping mechanisms for dealing with your problems. I think I agree that breaking up with your boyfriend right now would be scary. I think you might want to get some therapy, get on some anti-anxiety/depression medication (throw some valium in there too) and slowly figure out a good way to part with this guy you are with. He sounds like he is causing you to majorly loose sight of yourself. Your life sounds like it's become unmanageable.....BUT good news. There is help out there for you. You can change yourself. That is good that you have faith also. It is good that your are religious in the sense that you are searching for a higher power to help you. You need to deal with your pain and then the panic attacks will go away. I have been doing a lot of reading on them. They are basically just a huge adrenaline rush of fear that waves through your body. They come from deep inside yourself where you can't hide the pain anymore. It doesn't even have to be something so seriously traumatic that brings on panic attacks. Sometimes it's just that you are an over sensitive person and worry big time about things you have no control over and this causes a panic attack. So slow down and get some help. Make a transformation in your life. It just sounds like you are speeding along and not taking good enough care of yourself. You are totally not alone with this. Start doing some research about anxiety disorder and find a good therapist asap. Try to be kind to yourself. I think the real message of anxiety attacks is to start listening closer to your mind and your body.
Mr Spock Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 How about taking some of the power back for starters and removing yourself, temporarily or permanently from all these horrifically negative relationships? Dump the boyfriend, pronto. Stick to limited phone conversations with Mom. And if you're THAT wealthy, get into therapy pronto. If you're feeling that desperate perhaps a professional would give you some insight on how to conquer this. I think that as you start to rediscover yourself the abusive nature of your BF will only escalate. Get out, now, as fast and as quietly as you can.
moimeme Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 If you can get some time by yourself, call your local Domestic Violence hotline or women's shelter and ask for help. Do not try to do this on your own. Tell them everything that has gone on and follow their advice. Here are some websites about violence and how to leave such situations: This is about creating a safety plan for leaving: http://groups.msn.com/SpousalAbuseSupport/aseparationsafetyplan.msnw A good site with lots of information http://www.leavingabuse.com/powerwheel.html First, get yourself out of the situation with the BF. Then seek therapy for the traumas you have experienced because of your mother and him. You owe it to yourself to be good to yourself and this is the way to start.
Author LilAngel Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Thanks for all the advice. It helps to hear these things. It is just one of those situations you don't really talk to people about if they know you if anyone understands what I mean, so it is hard to figure out what to do on your own. I know I need to get out, but it is so hard. Mostly because of the attachment involved. It is so weard to think I would be attached to someone like that. I was one of those women who always said "if a man ever treated me wrong I would never stay!!" Hopefully I can get up the strength to break away and stay away. Thanks
Craig Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 You need to get into some counselling at your local Domestic Violence center. Leaving your abuser can be hard, very hard emotionally. The more you know the more successful you'll be at getting your life back. You should know, for example, that once you leave you'll probably have an overwhelming urge to go back to your abuser. That's normal. On average a woman will leave her abuser 7 times before finally leaving permanently. This is an inspiring article about leaving a Domestic Violence situation called "The Greatest Escape." http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html Best wishes to you in your struggle.
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