Forever Changed

January 17, 2016

Has being an OW forever changed the way you feel about love, romance & marriage?

I remember swearing that I would NEVER get married. My parents have a great marriage. My Dad is the walking definition of family man. He loves & adores my Mum after over 55 years. I never had a negative boyfriend experience. I don't know where it came from.

I worked in a very male dominated industry. I was the only woman who wasn't a secretary or assistant in my whole section of the company.

From top down most men were having affairs so it became the company norm. We had a lot of 'events' in hotels, weeks in Europe etc. partners were never included because....well it was a good excuse for management to have time away with their mistresses!

I started to see single women as having power & respect.

Girlfriends got long lunches (hotel shags) & never seemed to notice the general contempt...no matter how accomplished or educated... they were seen as hookers with a fake job description.

I was too young to have true empathy for the wives. To be honest I used to be a bit embarrassed for them. How could they not know? I mean everyone knew the CEO couldn't be reached on Fridays 11am - 3pm because that was his shag time with the latest telesales girl he was screwing!

Once a year, at Christmas, the lunchtime party included wives & kids. They'd arrive all dressed-up, seemed nice, made polite conversation, some seemed witty & educated....the kind of women I could be friends with. I'd watch the OW float by with coy smiles & the men look at their wives awkwardly. It was all pretty sad & pathetic really.

Anyway....I know that working there changed something inside of me. I was always a romantic at heart but love stories END with marriage "& they lived happily ever after.".

I don't come from an extended family with infidelity or divorce. I ended-up marrying my best friend who shared my negative view 'the system'. I NEVER saw him as one of 'those' business men. We were superior! We were the real deal living in our own little bubble. My H called it his "Magical Life".

Finally I get to my questions....

If you've spent time as the OW do you still believe in "Happily ever after"?

Do you think you will always look at ANY man as being capable of being one of 'those' MM & always be on the look-out for signs?

Do you honestly believe that only bad marriages & bad wives make men cheat & things will be different for you eventually?

Can you be a past OW & still be a hapless romantic?

Basically, has your life experience changed your view of men? Have you lost an innocence?

Obviously I'm excluding married OW. I'm talking to the romantics who believed in the connection & you were somehow 'meant to be'.

January 17, 2016

Has being an OW forever changed the way you feel about love, romance & marriage?

I remember swearing that I would NEVER get married. My parents have a great marriage. My Dad is the walking definition of family man. He loves & adores my Mum after over 55 years. I never had a negative boyfriend experience. I don't know where it came from.

I worked in a very male dominated industry. I was the only woman who wasn't a secretary or assistant in my whole section of the company.

From top down most men were having affairs so it became the company norm. We had a lot of 'events' in hotels, weeks in Europe etc. partners were never included because....well it was a good excuse for management to have time away with their mistresses!

I started to see single women as having power & respect.

Girlfriends got long lunches (hotel shags) & never seemed to notice the general contempt...no matter how accomplished or educated... they were seen as hookers with a fake job description.

I was too young to have true empathy for the wives. To be honest I used to be a bit embarrassed for them. How could they not know? I mean everyone knew the CEO couldn't be reached on Fridays 11am - 3pm because that was his shag time with the latest telesales girl he was screwing!

Once a year, at Christmas, the lunchtime party included wives & kids. They'd arrive all dressed-up, seemed nice, made polite conversation, some seemed witty & educated....the kind of women I could be friends with. I'd watch the OW float by with coy smiles & the men look at their wives awkwardly. It was all pretty sad & pathetic really.

Anyway....I know that working there changed something inside of me. I was always a romantic at heart but love stories END with marriage "& they lived happily ever after.".

I don't come from an extended family with infidelity or divorce. I ended-up marrying my best friend who shared my negative view 'the system'. I NEVER saw him as one of 'those' business men. We were superior! We were the real deal living in our own little bubble. My H called it his "Magical Life".

Finally I get to my questions....
If you've spent time as the OW do you still believe in "Happily ever after"?
Do you think you will always look at ANY man as being capable of being one of 'those' MM & always be on the look-out for signs?
Do you honestly believe that only bad marriages & bad wives make men cheat & things will be different for you eventually?
Can you be a past OW & still be a hapless romantic?
Basically, has your life experience changed your view of men? Have you lost an innocence?

Obviously I'm excluding married OW. I'm talking to the romantics who believed in the connection & you were somehow 'meant to be'.

You can be a MOW and still be a romantic and believe in connections.

January 17, 2016

I'm a guy so not an OW, but starting in my mid 20s I was a serial OM for several years, do my thoughts count?

I do consider myself a romantic and I do believe in happily ever after for some people.

What being a serial OM who has now been married for 20 years (no infidelity on my part and none on my wife's part that I am aware of or have any evidence of) has done is I am not one of these men who will ever say, "my wife would NEVER cheat."

And any time I hear a man say that, the hair stands up on the back of my neck.

I am sorry but I've had women that would "never cheat" show up at my house and tell me we only have 5 minutes so no time for talking. I've had pregnant women that would never cheat tell me to pull out and cum on their pregnant bellies when they knew I was getting close to the edge. I've had women that would never cheat meet me at the local hourly, No-Tell Motel. I've had women that would never cheat call me up and ask if they could come get some lovin's from me because they were so horny they were climbing the walls but didn't want their husband to think that he could have her whenever he wanted. I've had women that would never cheat ask me to pull out and cum on their faces and in their mouths. I've had women that would never cheat come to my house on about a weekly basis for several years because her husband had PE and didn't want him to feel that he wasn't satisfying her.

All of these women and others were married to men that would probably swear that they weren't that sexually oriented and had high moral standards and would never cheat.

With the exception of one husband, none were abusive or alcoholic. None were unemployed (one husband is a cardiologist another a county government official) With the exception of the one woman, none of them ever claimed that their husbands mistreated them in any way. They simply wanted 'more' than what they were getting at home.

So yes, in a way it has made me somewhat jaded. I forever lost the delusion that women are sweet and pure of heart and made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I've lost the delusion that affairs are romantic with candle light dinners and fine hotels between people who's spouses have neglected them and stopped loving them and so their lonely hearts fell victim to another lonely heart that were joined together by fate to ease their loneliness.

I also have no delusions that affairs "just happen." in every instance, someone made the offer and the other took them up on and then both worked hard to make it happen, to maintain it and to get away with it.

I also don't believe in "just a friend". While it's true that not every flirty coworker and not every attractive friend will end up in bed, it is true that at some point in the process of an affair, the players started out as 'just friends' and then at some point the offer was made and then at some point after that a decision was made to take it to the next level.

No marriage is completely immune and no spouse "would never cheat." Given the right circumstances and given the right opportunities, any can cheat and any can be cheated on.

Anyone that says they would never cheat have simply not been at the crossroads of right circumstances and right opportunity yet.

And anyone that says their spouse would never cheat are simply naïve or are sticking their head in the sand.

I'm not saying that all marriages will experience infidelity. I am not saying that at all. Many marriages do not experience it.

What I am saying is that no marriage is immune and that you can never say never. It CAN happen to anyone.

I am still a romantic and I do still believe some folks will experience happily ever after and it is statistical fact that many marriages never experience infidelity.

However my experience as an OM has caused me to lose my innocence and forever taken off the blinders and rose colored glasses that make many people believe that cheaters come from one mold and the rest of humanity come from a different mold. Cheaters are not a different race or an alien species or from a different mold. No one is immune from cheating nor being cheated on. I lost the illusion that it could never happen to me.

January 17, 2016

I'm a guy so not an OW, but starting in my mid 20s I was a serial OM for several years, do my thoughts count?

I do consider myself a romantic and I do believe in happily ever after for some people.

What being a serial OM who has now been married for 20 years (no infidelity on my part and none on my wife's part that I am aware of or have any evidence of) has done is I am not one of these men who will ever say, "my wife would NEVER cheat."

And any time I hear a man say that, the hair stands up on the back of my neck.

I am sorry but I've had women that would "never cheat" show up at my house and tell me we only have 5 minutes so no time for talking. I've had pregnant women that would never cheat tell me to pull out and cum on their pregnant bellies when they knew I was getting close to the edge. I've had women that would never cheat meet me at the local hourly, No-Tell Motel. I've had women that would never cheat call me up and ask if they could come get some lovin's from me because they were so horny they were climbing the walls but didn't want their husband to think that he could have her whenever he wanted. I've had women that would never cheat ask me to pull out and cum on their faces and in their mouths. I've had women that would never cheat come to my house on about a weekly basis for several years because her husband had PE and didn't want him to feel that he wasn't satisfying her.

All of these women and others were married to men that would probably swear that they weren't that sexually oriented and had high moral standards and would never cheat.

With the exception of one husband, none were abusive or alcoholic. None were unemployed (one husband is a cardiologist another a county government official) With the exception of the one woman, none of them ever claimed that their husbands mistreated them in any way. They simply wanted 'more' than what they were getting at home.

So yes, in a way it has made me somewhat jaded. I forever lost the delusion that women are sweet and pure of heart and made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I've lost the delusion that affairs are romantic with candle light dinners and fine hotels between people who's spouses have neglected them and stopped loving them and so their lonely hearts fell victim to another lonely heart that were joined together by fate to ease their loneliness.

I also have no delusions that affairs "just happen." in every instance, someone made the offer and the other took them up on and then both worked hard to make it happen, to maintain it and to get away with it.

I also don't believe in "just a friend". While it's true that not every flirty coworker and not every attractive friend will end up in bed, it is true that at some point in the process of an affair, the players started out as 'just friends' and then at some point the offer was made and then at some point after that a decision was made to take it to the next level.

No marriage is completely immune and no spouse "would never cheat." Given the right circumstances and given the right opportunities, any can cheat and any can be cheated on.

Anyone that says they would never cheat have simply not been at the crossroads of right circumstances and right opportunity yet.

And anyone that says their spouse would never cheat are simply naïve or are sticking their head in the sand.

I'm not saying that all marriages will experience infidelity. I am not saying that at all. Many marriages do not experience it.

What I am saying is that no marriage is immune and that you can never say never. It CAN happen to anyone.

I am still a romantic and I do still believe some folks will experience happily ever after and it is statistical fact that many marriages never experience infidelity.

However my experience as an OM has caused me to lose my innocence and forever taken off the blinders and rose colored glasses that make many people believe that cheaters come from one mold and the rest of humanity come from a different mold. Cheaters are not a different race or an alien species or from a different mold. No one is immune from cheating nor being cheated on. I lost the illusion that it could never happen to me.

I think that a lot of MW have affairs because they are being abused or mistreated by their husbands. They are looking for emotional support and someone to talk to and the physical part happens, too.

January 17, 2016

Iftbehind. So sorry. I didn't realize what it sounded like until I read it back after your comment. I meant that a MOW would already of lost the 'happily ever after' & been effected BEFORE the A even started....so the answers not the same AND with MOW there's the whole 'both M's lacking but no plans on leaving' type A.

I in no way ment that the connection or intensity is automatically less. Hope this makes sense.

January 17, 2016

This is an interesting topic to me and one that i think about a lot.

I, too, have been exposed to male-dominated environments and witnessed time and time again the feeling of shock when i discover "that faithful guy" whom you never imagined in a million years would cheat, does. One night i was with a group of friends at dinner, half of them were couples -- i marveled at what seemed like palpable love and affection. One man even toasted his wife with tears in his eyes (talking about the birth of their recent chidl) and wanted THOSE relationships for myself. It was not long afterward that i learned via a mutual friend and it was proven that when the men went off that night to have a few more drinks together and 'watch the game' they actually went to a venue frequented by 'high class hookers' and all became patrons. It was proven in a conversation that later became public and destroyed all the marriages. Though, all of one reconciled.

Still -- i hold out hope. This may sound naive but both my Father who has been married to my Mother for nearly 50 years.. and Brother are examples of extremely faithful men. My brother actually outted a good friend to his wife as he was disgusted. He talked to me about it first and told me he could not sleep at night because of the moral dilemma.. he was visibly disgusted and outted him the day after -- the friend and him went back 20 something years and the wife was not even that well known to him.

Anyway -- I never say never.. but i THINK there are truly men out there with integrity and morality and base their identity on honoring these qualities. Like my Father and Bro, they fiercely guard their boundaries and recoil from anything that resembles temptation. The majority of men though? .. Nope. Not im my opinion. I'd say about 15% tops.

Of course its not lost on me that these two men in my life would probably have heart attacks if they discovered i was in an A.. The steadfast moral gene skipped me it seems.

January 17, 2016

I'm a guy so not an OW, but starting in my mid 20s I was a serial OM for several years, do my thoughts count?

I do consider myself a romantic and I do believe in happily ever after for some people.

What being a serial OM who has now been married for 20 years (no infidelity on my part and none on my wife's part that I am aware of or have any evidence of) has done is I am not one of these men who will ever say, "my wife would NEVER cheat."

And any time I hear a man say that, the hair stands up on the back of my neck.

I am sorry but I've had women that would "never cheat" show up at my house and tell me we only have 5 minutes so no time for talking. I've had pregnant women that would never cheat tell me to pull out and cum on their pregnant bellies when they knew I was getting close to the edge. I've had women that would never cheat meet me at the local hourly, No-Tell Motel. I've had women that would never cheat call me up and ask if they could come get some lovin's from me because they were so horny they were climbing the walls but didn't want their husband to think that he could have her whenever he wanted. I've had women that would never cheat ask me to pull out and cum on their faces and in their mouths. I've had women that would never cheat come to my house on about a weekly basis for several years because her husband had PE and didn't want him to feel that he wasn't satisfying her.

All of these women and others were married to men that would probably swear that they weren't that sexually oriented and had high moral standards and would never cheat.

With the exception of one husband, none were abusive or alcoholic. None were unemployed (one husband is a cardiologist another a county government official) With the exception of the one woman, none of them ever claimed that their husbands mistreated them in any way. They simply wanted 'more' than what they were getting at home.

So yes, in a way it has made me somewhat jaded. I forever lost the delusion that women are sweet and pure of heart and made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I've lost the delusion that affairs are romantic with candle light dinners and fine hotels between people who's spouses have neglected them and stopped loving them and so their lonely hearts fell victim to another lonely heart that were joined together by fate to ease their loneliness.

I also have no delusions that affairs "just happen." in every instance, someone made the offer and the other took them up on and then both worked hard to make it happen, to maintain it and to get away with it.

I also don't believe in "just a friend". While it's true that not every flirty coworker and not every attractive friend will end up in bed, it is true that at some point in the process of an affair, the players started out as 'just friends' and then at some point the offer was made and then at some point after that a decision was made to take it to the next level.

No marriage is completely immune and no spouse "would never cheat." Given the right circumstances and given the right opportunities, any can cheat and any can be cheated on.

Anyone that says they would never cheat have simply not been at the crossroads of right circumstances and right opportunity yet.

And anyone that says their spouse would never cheat are simply naïve or are sticking their head in the sand.

I'm not saying that all marriages will experience infidelity. I am not saying that at all. Many marriages do not experience it.

What I am saying is that no marriage is immune and that you can never say never. It CAN happen to anyone.

I am still a romantic and I do still believe some folks will experience happily ever after and it is statistical fact that many marriages never experience infidelity.

However my experience as an OM has caused me to lose my innocence and forever taken off the blinders and rose colored glasses that make many people believe that cheaters come from one mold and the rest of humanity come from a different mold. Cheaters are not a different race or an alien species or from a different mold. No one is immune from cheating nor being cheated on. I lost the illusion that it could never happen to me.

I have never been a serial cheater.

However, I have looked around the world a bit and I believe anybody can do anything at any time.

Poppy.

January 17, 2016

Iftbehind. So sorry. I didn't realize what it sounded like until I read it back after your comment. I meant that a MOW would already of lost the 'happily ever after' & been effected BEFORE the A even started....so the answers not the same AND with MOW there's the whole 'both M's lacking but no plans on leaving' type A.

I in no way ment that the connection or intensity is automatically less. Hope this makes sense.

That's okay. That's true that The MOW would have already lost the happily ever after before the A. Some MW want to leave their M, but can't for various reasons. It's so complicated and painful.

January 17, 2016

Finally I get to my questions....
If you've spent time as the OW do you still believe in "Happily ever after"?
Do you think you will always look at ANY man as being capable of being one of 'those' MM & always be on the look-out for signs?
Do you honestly believe that only bad marriages & bad wives make men cheat & things will be different for you eventually?
Can you be a past OW & still be a hapless romantic?
Basically, has your life experience changed your view of men? Have you lost an innocence?

Obviously I'm excluding married OW. I'm talking to the romantics who believed in the connection & you were somehow 'meant to be'.

SL I absolutely love you. There are 12 posters here who have been the sun in my sky whilst I try to find my magic life. You are one.

1. I no longer believe in happily ever after.

2. Yes, I will always look at any man as a potential cheater/liar/abandoner

3. No I don't think ONLY bad marriages and bad wives cause men to cheat

4. I am a romantic but it's more like a daydreamer now. I don't think people are the same as they were and no good men really exist anymore

5. Yes my view has changed and my innocence and trust is destroyed

Xx

January 17, 2016

I am still a romantic at heart and believe in love and marriage. Being an OW didn't change my view of romance and marriage at all. I always knew there were good marriages and bad marriages. Being an OW just made me feel sorry for people who are stuck in bad marriages, whereas I didn't really pay attention to them before.

I don't believe most people cheat. I still think it's an anomaly. What being an OW has taught me is how to spot a cheater and how to spot a marriage that might be vulnerable to cheating. I never want to be an OW again.

January 17, 2016

Has being an OW forever changed the way you feel about love, romance & marriage?...

Finally I get to my questions....
If you've spent time as the OW do you still believe in "Happily ever after"?
Do you think you will always look at ANY man as being capable of being one of 'those' MM & always be on the look-out for signs?
Do you honestly believe that only bad marriages & bad wives make men cheat & things will be different for you eventually?
Can you be a past OW & still be a hapless romantic?
Basically, has your life experience changed your view of men? Have you lost an innocence?

For me, it worked the other way. I was always terribly cynical, didn't "believe in M", didn't believe in love - to me, when I looked at couples who claimed to be "in love", all I saw was toxic dependency. So not for me! I had never seen a M I considered happy or healthy, and Rs were just a colossal excercise of power and manipulation. I wanted none of it! I fell into M, had kids, got D with my views still intact.

Decades later, the A. We fell in love. He left his vestigial M, and we got M. And I've learned so much about love, about R, about M. While I'll never be one of those unicorns and rainbows types, I've come to recognise that love does exist, it is possible to have a happy, healthy M and that Rs need not be only about power and manipulation - or even mostly, or at all.

January 17, 2016

If you've spent time as the OW do you still believe in "Happily ever after"?

I think happily ever after is possible, even for OWs like me.

Do you think you will always look at ANY man as being capable of being one of 'those' MM & always be on the look-out for signs?

Yes, every man is capable of being in an A. However, I do not believe in generalizations, each man has the power to decide to go either way, having an affair is a choice.

Do you honestly believe that only bad marriages & bad wives make men cheat & things will be different for you eventually?

Marriage requires work from BOTH H and W, if the M turns bad, its not necessarily because of a bad wife, both of them have done something, or nothing to make their M work. Cheating is a choice.

I see a lot of possibilities in my future, I am in a LTA with my MM, but anything can change, even for us who have been 'together' for many years. I do not discount major changes and I know there is another life out there for me. Its also my choice to be in this relationship with my MM, I still hold that as I haven't given all of my life waiting around for MM. Although I know it will break me when the time comes for us to part.

Can you be a past OW & still be a hapless romantic?

oh I am still a romantic, anything can happen

Basically, has your life experience changed your view of men? Have you lost an innocence?

Yes, I see men in a different light. But Peter is not Paul, not until proven guilty.

January 17, 2016

I am still a romantic at heart and believe in love and marriage. Being an OW didn't change my view of romance and marriage at all. I always knew there were good marriages and bad marriages. Being an OW just made me feel sorry for people who are stuck in bad marriages, whereas I didn't really pay attention to them before.

I don't believe most people cheat. I still think it's an anomaly. What being an OW has taught me is how to spot a cheater and how to spot a marriage that might be vulnerable to cheating. I never want to be an OW again.

I always judge the people who were the 3rd party. Being part of a broken family due to infidelity, my hatred is rooted deep down. But now, reading the OW/OM's POV make sense to me now. I still don't want to tolerate cheating or affair. Bad marriages shouldn't be happening if those two people who committed to each other have thought carefully before marrying. Again, even good marriages is still not prone to cheating (So definitely, lust and selfishness still have a play in here) but now I learned that it's not always the case.

I just feel sad because now I don't know what to do to "affair-proof" a relationship. It's as if no matter what you do, it will happen if your partner is tempted.

If he/she did cheat regardless of a good marriage, they play the "don't judge me" card or the overused "I am just human, I make mistakes"... sigh. oh well

January 17, 2016

I've been both the BS and the OW. My ex was also one of the anamolies that left his wife for the OW. His pregnant wife even with 3 other kids. That probably would have jaded me more than being this OW.

I remember as a teenager thinking marriage was a stupid piece of paper. I don't remember when I started thinking that I wouldn't want any relationship I've seen. I was slightly envious of my friends marriage for awhile because they had passion. Mine didn't. Mine was comfortable and non confrontational. Turns out she was envious of mine because we were always so physically affectionate.

I still look around and wouldn't want any of the relationships I've seen. And I again like mine more than any of them however messed up it is. I have a married friend who has been "watching a movie with his wife" and sitting on his phone talking to me mainly and others the entire time. I cringe at how disconnected his marriage is. He has very distinct lines, and I doubt he'd actually have an affair. However, I'd rather have my disfunctional relationship with my mm.

People don't realize how broken their marriage. How much it dissatisfies their mate.

I still have a happily ever after ideal in my head. Where I can talk to him about anything and know I can say anything- making him mad is ok, he'll stop being mad and it'll be all good again. I treasure that because I never had that before. I actually may believe more now that it's possible for 2 parties to work through things. They just have to both want to. I also believe more that people suck and there is nothing you can do ultimately, to keep them from cheating. Anybody is capable under the right circumstances. But is their weakness physical or emotional and how far would they let it go? EAs are far easier to fall into.

January 17, 2016

I always judge the people who were the 3rd party. Being part of a broken family due to infidelity, my hatred is rooted deep down. But now, reading the OW/OM's POV make sense to me now. I still don't want to tolerate cheating or affair. Bad marriages shouldn't be happening if those two people who committed to each other have thought carefully before marrying. Again, even good marriages is still not prone to cheating (So definitely, lust and selfishness still have a play in here) but now I learned that it's not always the case.

I just feel sad because now I don't know what to do to "affair-proof" a relationship. It's as if no matter what you do, it will happen if your partner is tempted.

If he/she did cheat regardless of a good marriage, they play the "don't judge me" card or the overused "I am just human, I make mistakes"... sigh. oh well

I am assuming you are young, so you have your whole life ahead of you. As long as you have not been cheated on or have cheated yourself at this time, if I were you, I would go out and live my life with optimism. Living life with optimism is the only way to experience all the good life has to offer to the fullest. i wouldn't spend too much time hanging out with worn out old folks with tons of baggage.

January 17, 2016

Forceawakensme.

"...they actually went to a venue frequented by 'high class hookers' and all became patrons."

I have a horribly sad story on this subject. I grew-up with a group of friends/cousins who continued to hang out together as adults. A friends younger brother (let's call him John) was one of the kindest lovely guys you could meet. He was quiet & gentle, happy within himself. Never had ONS, just a few nice relationships before he met the love of his life. Beautiful wedding. He was so happy.

His parents own a very successful business & he started working for his father. They went on a fancy business trip to China & his DAD took all the businessmen, including his newly married son to a high class brothel...Telling 'John' that he was an adult man now!

John felt cornered. No choice & went along with it. In one night he did things he NEVER believed he could do...cheat on his love & have sex with a hooker! He also learnt that his father wasn't the man he'd always believed him to be AND he regularly cheated on his Mum. It was clear that this was 'normal' entertainment!

He has never been the same man since. I've known him since he was a toddler! His opinion of his father & HIMSELF is forever changed. It's so shocking. We always saw his family as 'perfect'.

He has never told his wife, Mum or sister. How can a FATHER do that? It still shocks & saddens me.

January 18, 2016

"Forever changed"--very accurate.

My perspective has changed, not just the way I see men now, but the notion of 'successful marriages'.

In the case of my xMM, his marriage was dormant for a while, with both of them living parallel lives. As he told me himself, by having the affair he realized that "all that he was looking for his entire life was right in front of him all along" and that this whole affair made him want to rekindle his marriage. The last time we spoke he told me things were very good between them. I gathered he's more committed then ever before.

His wife doesn't know of any of his secrets. I find it hard to accept the irony of it all--the cheating created a better husband and happier marriage? The wife is happier because the husband has not revealed his dark secrets? I know it's none of my business, but I have a hard time swallowing it now. He deceived two women and yet ended up being the happy winner in it all.

I can't help but imagine her living the rest of her life, blissfully ignorant of the truth, blessed because of the lies.

I look at 'successful' couples now, and can't help but wonder what hidden secrets made them so happy. Did the husband have an 'extra' on the side that helped him solidify the marriage?

I can't help but (cynically) wonder how many broken souls of broken OWs are hidden behind the smiles of a happily married couple.

There's something painfully wrong with this picture.

January 18, 2016

what a beautiful post, burnt.

one of the best posts i've read on this forum.

January 18, 2016

I wrote this somewhere else....

I recently attended a beautiful 50th wedding anniversary party. I found myself wondering how many times he's cheated on her

They're a lovely couple. I have no reason to think that he's been anything but a loving, devoted, loyal husband & father but I'm so cynical now! They played a slide-show of photographs of their lives.

She started crying at some of the pictures (probably because of the happy emotions) but all I could imagine was me in a similar situation thinking "That was taken when I'd found out he was professing his love for XXXX!". "That was the Mother's Day that he told HER that she was the best MOTHER in the whole world"

I'm not liking myself very much at the moment. I can't really enjoy anything. I feel like the whole world has changed....but it's just my vision of it. How do you raise 2 beautiful, innocent, joyful little people in this world? How do you protect them without destroying their notion of love?

January 18, 2016

Has being an OW forever changed the way you feel about love, romance & marriage?

Sadly yes. It's made me more cynical and skeptical, which is a shame as I have examples of 'good' marriages to look at/follow. These days if you put a group of 20 MM in front of me, I would assume that more of them had cheated (in some capacity) than not. I never used to have that negativity.

If you've spent time as the OW do you still believe in "Happily ever after"?

Yes, but I have decided I have to rely on myself for my happiness, I'm not going to make my happily ever after someone else's responsibility. I was raised on a diet of Disney princess movies.. believing that 'the right man' would come along and that would be it. Part of this attitude adjustment is obviously getting older, but being an OW made me more 'militant' about it.

Do you think you will always look at ANY man as being capable of being one of 'those' MM & always be on the look-out for signs?

In the majority of cases... Yes.The way I feel right now I will never trust anyone 100% - even if/when I fall in love again.

Do you honestly believe that only bad marriages & bad wives make men cheat & things will be different for you eventually?

I used to think that, I used to think affairs were the 'effect' and so there must be a 'cause'. Now I've realised some people are just ultimately selfish. This is what now terrifies me about marriage. Taking my MM as an example, I do not doubt that if you'd have straight out asked him 'do you love your wife and are you happy?' his answer would've been 'yes'. So, as a spouse, you can do everything 'right', and STILL your partner can step out. Why? Is it because your partner is busy looking after the children you both wanted so you're feeling neglected? Or because doing the day to day mundane things just isn't revving your motor anymore? The fact is real life can be so boring... how can you protect a relationship against 'real life boredom'? For most of us mortals, bills still need paid, washing still needs done, tea still needs cooked etc etc... and none of that is particularly sexy/emotionally fulfilling/romantic is it.

Can you be a past OW & still be a hapless romantic?

Possibly. I do consider myself a romantic at heart (deep DEEP down), but actually I'm just not sure how I'd really cope with romance now. My boyfriend randomly told me I was pretty the other day - we were sat on the sofa watching tv, I was in my pj's with my hair scraped up and I was in a mood about something. My first thought was suspicion. That makes me so sad for myself.

Basically, has your life experience changed your view of men? Have you lost an innocence?

Yes, definitely. I had a conversation about this with my MM once;

Me: You have no idea the impact these decisions have had on me.

Him: *Clueless face*

Me: You'd already had an affair, you knew what you were capable of... I thought I was 'better' than this. And now, even when you're gone I won't ever be able to fully forget you because you will always be a reminder of what I am really capable of. You will be a reminder of just how selfish I can be. There will be life before you, and life after you, but the life after will be irrevocably changed and you have no idea what a big deal that is. For you this is just 'another affair'. I can never say 'I would never' again, because you have proven to me how little I know myself.

None of this was said in anger, or hysteria, or with tears or raised voices. But I cannot really explain in words just HOW much this affair has affected me... and mine wasn't even 'that bad'.

Edited January 18, 2016 by Gloria_Smellons

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