safir Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Hello everyone! I've been seeing a guy for 3,5 months now and I really like him. We haven't had any conversations about being exclusive, because I have some work related issues for me to stay long term in the country. I do not want to create any commitment for myself just in case things go wrong and I have to leave *knocking on wood* We were supposed to meet today, and we talked about it last night. He had to see a friend last night so we scheduled for today. However, a couple hours ago he texted me and said he was "sorry and asked if we could push it to next Friday or the weekend." I am totally ok by this, what makes me worry is he didn't explain why and his profile showed up on the dating app we met, and he was active last night. He had to reschedule dates before because of his work schedule (he's a chef-working long hours) and he explained that time saying "sorry i have to stay longer at work" etc. I know that we're not exclusive yet, but that doesn't mean that I want to sleep with a guy who sleeps with multiple women. I want physical monogamy. I asked him if everything was ok over text. I didn't want to bother him in case he was busy by calling, and he said "yea, everything is fine." I am so torn, should I be worried or just wait until next week to see if he'll explain anything. Thanks in advance!
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 If you want physical monogamy you have to agree to it. You can't just expect that it goes without saying. I'm sorry, but I think it is quite clear that he is seeing other people, and quite possibly sleeping with them as well. He isn't going to inform you when he is going on another date with someone. I think you owe it to yourself to talk to him honestly about the situation, and then decide what you want to do. Good luck.
Author safir Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 If you want physical monogamy you have to agree to it. You can't just expect that it goes without saying. I'm sorry, but I think it is quite clear that he is seeing other people, and quite possibly sleeping with them as well. He isn't going to inform you when he is going on another date with someone. I think you owe it to yourself to talk to him honestly about the situation, and then decide what you want to do. Good luck. You have a really good point! I definitely want to talk to him but at the same time I really like the connection I'm having with him and do not want to shut things off if he doesn't give me the answers that I want to hear. I think it would be better for myself to ask him when I completely know that I want to be exclusive. Because if I ask him now, and he says he's seeing other people I think my answer would be I would still want to keep seeing him. I think it would also be disrespectful for my own self to state inaccurate feelings and not being able to hold up to them but yes you're right there's definitely a good chance that he's seeing others.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I'm not suggesting you say anything you don't feel comfortable saying. Even if you are merely clarifying that he is seeing other people, at least you will know the truth and can make an informed decision based on the facts.
Ami1uwant Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 It shouldn't take you 3.5 months before you decide if you are bf/gf or exclusive. As a result he is likely dating others now and sleeping around.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I think he's probably seeing other women. You yourself said you don't want to create any commitment. So he's behaving accordingly, to be honest. You can't really have it both ways, you know? It's not fun, but I'm not sure what you expect him to do.
Buddhist Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I am so torn, should I be worried or just wait until next week to see if he'll explain anything. Thanks in advance! My experience of dating a guy who cancelled a date last minute was that I realised 18 months later he wasn't worth it. As much as it seems like a knee jerk reaction to cite 'red flags' in my case it really was one I should have paid attention to. What I came to discover is that he wasn't invested in our relationship at all and when it did fall apart, it did so in quite a traumatic way for me because I was invested and he was not. His last minute cancelling of our date seemed rude and disrespectful at the time. My impulse was to lose his phone number immediately. But self doubt creeps in and then you're justifying why you should over look it, or try and be open minded about things. I'm much less open minded about things these days. Often it's a desire to simply not see the obvious, and instead pretend that everything's fine because we want it to be fine. Sorry if this isn't very uplifting for you. But I do think casually canceling a date like that is a sign of how they might be viewing the relationship. 3.5 months also seems an extraordinary amount of time for you to invest in a guy who hasn't even gone exclusive.
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