Has anyone rebooted their life?

[Sunyata]

Unfortunately I did not get much positive conditioning from my parents. Perhaps my dad passed down positive messages about the non-worth of "material" things, frugality, and responsibility - but that's pretty much it. My mom was nuts and did not want her children (me especially) to believe in themselves or develop a sense of self. I'm 30 now and haven't spoken to her in 6 years.

 

Got my first girlfriend at 28, which was a solid two-year relationship. She had health issues (which may have been psychological) which made the sex pretty lousy. I couldn't touch her, grab her, squeeze her, and no making out. So I am still starved for that level of intimacy. I also have a lot of issues expressing interest in girls, especially sex, because I feel like it's a bad thing.

 

Have gotten rid of basically all my friends because everything was toxic. Have a lot of issues with my physical appearance, but have often been told I'm attractive and have nothing to worry about. But severe dissociation from the physical plane leaves me not really knowing where I stand, and my personality not being firmly grounded in years of "being myself" if that makes sense. Trying to be less dissociated, more myself, and maybe engage in some sort of physical /body oriented activity to increase awareness and get me out of my head.

 

Tonight I am going to meet a PUA-type group of guys for a few drinks before they "get their game on." Just to be around some masculinity and for the social interaction. I've always suppressed my masculinity. I've been talking with this girl and went to a concert with her and one of her friends who showed up later, but it feels very platonic right now, or like she might just respond to everyone who talks to her. I like her but I don't think I'll handle it well. Other than this stuff, I have no friends, and am far too "serious" and can't be playful, although I do have it inside me.

 

Just wondering if any of this is similar for anyone else's experience. Would love to hear any advice or knowledge about "coming out of your shell" later in life.

[carhill]

Sure, lots of travel to experience other cultures and having married people for friends helped a bunch. A generation later, now, moving and working towards a peaceful retirement without all that relationship noise. BTDT. Rebooting can take many forms.

 

Being around masculinity is being around men being men. It has little to do with women or mating. In fact, we generally prefer the wives not be around at all. It took me a long time to learn that because I had an inclusive personality. Some things are meant to be separate and that's part of what makes men attractive.

 

Personally, I wouldn't mess with the PUA stuff but if there's some nagging desire there, scratch the itch and accept the results.

[todreaminblue]

i am rebooting my life right now.....im 46 ...and the change isnt easy ..deb

[Sunyata]

Sure, lots of travel to experience other cultures and having married people for friends helped a bunch. A generation later, now, moving and working towards a peaceful retirement without all that relationship noise. BTDT. Rebooting can take many forms.

 

Being around masculinity is being around men being men. It has little to do with women or mating. In fact, we generally prefer the wives not be around at all. It took me a long time to learn that because I had an inclusive personality. Some things are meant to be separate and that's part of what makes men attractive.

 

Personally, I wouldn't mess with the PUA stuff but if there's some nagging desire there, scratch the itch and accept the results.

 

The biggest indictment that could be made against me was that I need to learn how to have fun. I don't necessarily plan on being a PUA-type guy, but I am looking to find a way to be around men and "sex" -type talk. I sort of removed myself from it. From ages 18-28 my only friend was gay and incredibly mean. I've really suppressed my masculinity and I dunno, maybe I could find a guy friend out of it - something I haven't had in a long time. I've had quite a few guys the past few years who have invited me to do things, but they have always been in my type of situation and I've wanted to avoid that.

 

Talking to this girl now. It kind of sucks, because I watch how my mind gives a story while it's happening - that she's just being nice. I hate it because it's like I need to tell her about my growth, etc, and how focused I am on it... and I wish I didn't have to. She also has a lot of problems but it feels awful that it's all such a huge part of my identity, that I don't have anything else interesting or noteworthy to offer.

Edited January 17, 2016 by Sunyata

[carhill]

Having a best male friend will help immensely with the ladies, though not obviously. Grow that. Women may come and go but solid male friendships can last a lifetime.

 

Old fart tip: Girls you talk to who talk about their problems are hoovers. They're using you for an emotional sounding board. If you died tomorrow they could care less. They'd just find someone else. At my age I do it for sport and because I enjoy the psych end of it but there's no longer any illusions or emotional investment. Accept the real.

 

You create your own value in life. Number one is valuing yourself. You're in charge of that. No one else can do it for you. If your FOO provided poor role models or guidance, OK. Get some professional help to work through that stuff, then move on.

 

Your choices are your power. No one can ever take them away.

[Sunyata]

Having a best male friend will help immensely with the ladies, though not obviously. Grow that. Women may come and go but solid male friendships can last a lifetime.

 

Old fart tip: Girls you talk to who talk about their problems are hoovers. They're using you for an emotional sounding board. If you died tomorrow they could care less. They'd just find someone else. At my age I do it for sport and because I enjoy the psych end of it but there's no longer any illusions or emotional investment. Accept the real.

 

You create your own value in life. Number one is valuing yourself. You're in charge of that. No one else can do it for you. If your FOO provided poor role models or guidance, OK. Get some professional help to work through that stuff, then move on.

 

Your choices are your power. No one can ever take them away.

 

Thanks, you are very right. And yes, I do need a male friend. It's something I've held off on for basically my whole life, perhaps out of a feeling of inadequacy combined with feeling like it would be against the law in some weird sort of way (narcissistic household) and a fear of expressing my individuality. I don't understand it, it doesn't matter... I just need to find it.

 

The girl and I don't have a defined rapport yet, but it's not defined by her talking about her problems. She is pretty open about her problems with everyone and seems like she doesn't feel heard. But she seems to get invited to a lot of things and have an active social life, unlike me. And that is a pretty major turnoff to any girl.

 

I am going to ask her to hang out again, and if she says yes I will just treat at as an opportunity to expand my experience and have a good time doing things I've never really done before - even if it's awkward, it will help me go through the nervousness and start to ground myself in my life and learn how to not be so focused on my problems, but on finding things to enjoy.

Edited January 17, 2016 by Sunyata

[RySant]

Rebooting one's life is very difficult. I also did that, and I can;t shake the feeling of thinking what I have lost even if I know I did the right thing.

 

I drop all my friends from High School and focused more on building my friendship that I was able to have in College. I was a victim of bullying and I don't want any kind of reminder on that period of my life.

 

I am basically very much happy right now.

[preraph]

I think it's important that most people "recreate" themselves, and it's a process, of course. But if you have an image in your head of the person you wish you were, you should start step by step focusing on making that happen. You are your own project. If you don't ever change, you are simply the guy your parents turned out. But once you're an adult, you then start becoming your own person. Good luck.

[scooby-philly]

So,

 

Yes, I've seen people remake their lives, including myself.

 

I'm 34. I had a slight facial deformity so between that, the fact that my paternal grandmother (who lived with us while growing up) was afraid of the word, pain, hurt, my family wasn't physically fit so we ate a lot - that left me overweight, shy, self-conscious, and uncomfortable around both guys and women - so go figure. I was smart enough to go to college but ended up in the seminary afterwards for 6 years because I wasn't able to admit what I wanted and that I had desires for a wife, family, etc.

 

6 years + later - I've had two long term relationships, I've dated a few other women, and I'm building my career. I still need to be more active, more assertive, and more confidence in myself, but I've made a lot of drastic changes - including losing most of my friends after my engagement broke up 2 1/2 years ago. I'm a firm believer that people prove what they care about (and who they care about) via what they spend their time on and who make they make time for.

 

I'm not advocating you turn into some jealous, meat-headed prick. But as one poster said - it all begins with your self-confidence & self-respect. And that means also making your own self - your goals, your health, your needs a priority until such a time as you are mature enough to help others and to be in a death-do-us part type relationship. You won't attract someone totally into you if you don't value yourself and if you let others walk all over you.

 

And it's tough at times, but you'd be surprised by how many nice people are actually out there - even some high school bullies grow up into good people. In my case, I always loved the outdoors but my family wouldn't go and do anything. So 2+ years ago I made up my mind and bought camping great - a huge tent, cooking equipment, the whole sheband. I've gone 12-18 times already, I've learned a lot, and when I didn't know how to do something, I've asked and gotten the help I needed. And 1-2 times when people look at me like why doesn't a 30+ year old know how to do something I just dismiss them.

 

Lastly, I would say two things.

 

1. It's process. Give yourself goals, evaluate weekly, monthly, etc and forgive yourself for not getting to each goal or getting as far as you wanted. And don't beat yourself when you take a day or night off.

 

2. Having grown up with parents who were seemingly "okay" by external measures, but not by any stretch of the imgaination when it comes to emotional health, boundaries, encouragement for their kids, etc. don't let anyone dismiss or minimize your feelings. Most people don't have the intellect or emotional intelligence to understand how negative an impact parents can have - they either romanticize their own, dismissed them and don't realize it, or just have a thick shell unlike some of us. Your feelings are real - but you seem to have said that you've moved on from a lot of that - but when you sense the feelings coming back or you share and someone dismisses it, remind yourself you ain't crazy.

[Leucine]

Yes.

 

It took me 5 years to gather enough belief and confidence to get to the stage of even kissing a girl.

 

5 years later, I've exceeded my wildest expectations and experienced basically everything when it comes to sex and dating, and would just like to settle down with a quality woman.

 

Hitting the gym hard played a huge part in my transformation into who I am today. I had achieved nothing in life up to that point, but looking in the mirror and being able to be proud of what I've done made me realise that there are no limits to what I can do with my life.

Edited January 18, 2016 by Leucine

[Sunlight72]

Yes OP, I rebooted my life over about 4 years from roughly 35 to 39. It's hard in a way I didn't understand was possible before hand.

 

It is rewarding and wonderful in several ways I didn't understand were possible before hand, and I could hardly be happier that I did it

[Emilia]

Yes. I stopped talking to my mother in the summer because suddenly I was able to view her from outside my head, from a distance and realised that her narcissism has provided a false view of me. Currently I'm looking to relearn how I relate to people and I have been shedding friends in the process.

 

I don't have any problems with relating to men but until the summer I didn't understand what boundaries meant exactly and I had let the needier ones through because I was used to the idea of making it work with people that had a fragile self identity. Now I am much more focused on how I handle hard and soft boundaries.

[yxalitis]

Yeah...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/536836-what-hell-happened-my-life

[Buddhist]

Just wondering if any of this is similar for anyone else's experience. Would love to hear any advice or knowledge about "coming out of your shell" later in life.

 

Yes, you are living my life. I had an absent father and narcissistically disordered mother who engulfed her children. Your experience sounds like a similar dynamic. Long story short.....

 

- The road to building self esteem now is a lifelong one. There's no quick fix. What it is, is a process of re-programming your mind away from the critical voice of your mother who probably still lives in your head despite your NC status, and succeeding, failing, succeeding, failing over and over while learning to self-soothe and support yourself in those failing moments and recognise and move away from the self sabotage in the succeeding moments.

 

- If you have no friends it's probably because you've developed an avoidant attachment style as a self-preservation mechanism. If your loving parent allowed your disordered parent full reign over you, and never protected you, then I kid you not, you felt like your life was in danger every minute as a child. You developed some pretty unique survival mechanisms, avoidance is one of those. Learn about it and witness how it plays out in various aspects of your life. For me this meant, acquaintances but no friends because I could never trust another person.

 

- Be aware that through no fault of your own you will be subconsciously attracted to women who in various ways mirror the dynamic you had with your mother. If your mother expected you to constantly attend to her needs instead of your own, then you will subconsciously choose women who also display learned helplessness as a way to monopolise your time. You can't help this because we always seek what is familiar rather than what is different. Normally attached women, who give and take in a balanced manner will somehow turn you off or feel bland and won't interest you. Until you learn to spot the pattern. Then you will be able to make better choices. If your mother is 'crazy' then good chance your father is a co-dependant and that's the relationship model you've been given.

 

- Realise that again, through no fault of your own, there is a part of you stuck in the emotional state of a small child. That part will act out at inconvenient times merely because no-one taught you how to regulate your own emotions. Again this is lifelong project for you now. But you can still learn this and overcome this issue, it's just a product of the neglect you received as a child.

 

How did I reset my myself?

 

- Learning to spot the pattern and name the dynamic. I read lots of material on personality disorders until I found the one that matched my life. Knowing what the problem is, is 75% of the cure.

- Committing to developing the parts of me still stuck at age 5yrs.

- Allowing myself to have things. I was taught that my needs don't matter, should never be attended to, should be sacrificed for someone else. I was engaging in self neglect for decades.

- Find appropriate role models for the missing parts of my life.

- Having the courage to push through the fears when they arise and be determined to live a fulfilling life despite my poor start.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Buddhist

[Httm]

The good thing is that you are young, seem to be aware of your issues, and desire change. The hardest part will still be the change. You aren't involved with your parents anymore, so it is a waste of time to keep blaming them. At a certain point, you have to either disconnect from them and be who you want to be or live in their shadow and blame them for the rest of your life.

[Emilia]

Love your post Buddhist. Spot on.

[Popsicle]

Yes, it feels good. I think everyone should do it every 15 or so years.