rach0019 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'll try to keep this as short as possible, as I could really use some advice! My ex and I broke up because we were both starting our first year of college 4 hours away from each other. We tried long distance for a bit, but it was just too much for either of us to handle and it was taking a negative toll on our lives as LDRs are hard to maintain, no matter how much you love the person. Eventually, he broke up with me, even though I recently learned that he 100% did not want to, and that he was just trying to do what was right for the both of us. Our breakup was cordial and honestly probably the best breakup I've been through (even though I was so sad for quite a while afterwards). We didn't talk for quite a while (months), and I finally decided to reach out. We began to talk gradually, and it's gotten to the point where we talk every single day for hours, whether on Skype or over text. Last weekend, we skyped for 10 hours. Nothing feels changed- he still makes me laugh more than anyone else can, and more importantly, he's made it clear that he still really cares about me. He compliments me a lot and calls me pet names. He also talks very openly/honestly and asks questions about the breakup. I've learned that he was just as hurt as I was. Now, maybe I'm just seeing this situation through rose-colored glasses, but I'm kind of confused about his feelings for me. We're very good friends, but I can't tell if he's legitimately trying to flirt with me on purpose, or if he is just trying to be friendly/doing it by accident, not knowing how I'm perceiving it. He often expresses to me that he still finds me physically attractive and misses me a lot. He says that he loves me, but I'm assuming it's from a friend standpoint. He's never directly said he doesn't have feelings for me, but he's also never said that he does, and I've given him a few opportunities to say it. He also fondly speaks about our memories together, and he's told me that he'll never forget them/me because it was one of the best times of his life. We both know that it's not very realistic to be together again, unless circumstances change. But I'm just confused. Regardless of whether or not he has feelings, I'm planning on keeping him in my life as he means so much to me, he encourages me to be a better person and genuinely cares about me. But the more we speak, the more I think that I really love him. This is all very confusing for me, as there's not really much I can do either way, so I kind of just have to live with it and try to get over him (romantically). Is this normal behavior for an ex who is just a friend? Is he just being friendly? Or is it possible that he has feelings still?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Of course it is possible that he still has feelings, however, that doesn't change the fact that you weren't able to maintain a long distance relationship. Unless one of you are prepared to move or make some serious compromises, then this isn't going to go anywhere. It sounds like this increase in communication, although enjoyable right now, has the potential to backfire on you big time, especially as your feelings for him continue to grow. You need to take of the rose tinted glasses for your own good. Has anything changed? In regards to this "friendship", ask yourself, how would it make you feel if you knew he was dating and sleeping with other girls while having these long chats with you. I know it is a painful thought, but you need to be honest with yourself about the reality of the situation if you want to be friends. There are risks involved with getting close to an ex again, so you need to think about this very carefully. Good luck.
elly key Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 My situation is very similar to yours. We were in LDR for almost 2 years. He had issues with commitment so we broke up. We began to actively talk in 10 months. He told he was missing talking to me, we shared how we both handled our breakup. The reason we began to talk was that I needed some support after another breakup. He gave me that support as we used to be best friends. Now we still keep talking, but nature of these talks changed. Once he told me that the reason why male ex's reach out to their ex girlfriends is that they want sex and he is not an exception. That conversation opened my eyes - we never will be friends as we used to be. I don't want him back as he has lots of drama over relationships and commitment, but I really needed a friend. Now I'm trying to go NC with him. That would be best decision. My advice to you is to ask him directly - what's all this about? Otherwise you will waste your time waiting for action which could never happen.
Author rach0019 Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Of course it is possible that he still has feelings, however, that doesn't change the fact that you weren't able to maintain a long distance relationship. Unless one of you are prepared to move or make some serious compromises, then this isn't going to go anywhere. It sounds like this increase in communication, although enjoyable right now, has the potential to backfire on you big time, especially as your feelings for him continue to grow. You need to take of the rose tinted glasses for your own good. Has anything changed? In regards to this "friendship", ask yourself, how would it make you feel if you knew he was dating and sleeping with other girls while having these long chats with you. I know it is a painful thought, but you need to be honest with yourself about the reality of the situation if you want to be friends. There are risks involved with getting close to an ex again, so you need to think about this very carefully. Good luck. I've actually thought a lot about what my reaction to him seeing other girls would be. I know that he's talked to some, but not seriously and nothing has come out of it. I think my feelings on it would depend on whether or not he still has feelings, so I guess that's what I need to find out. Thank you!!
bruteoutlawz Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I am only just coming to the conclusion that if there is still love on one side of the relationship then its pretty impossible to remain friends, all it does is cause more pain. If you are still in contact with him then what have you got to lose by outright asking him if he still has feelings for you, at least then you will know. I wish you luck anyway and hope you get what you want in life, i just got out of a 11 year relationship (she basically cheated on me) and it hurts a lot. So i am probably not the best person to give out advice lol
Jack1234 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Calls you pet names, brings up your relationship frequently, Skyped with you for 10 hours in one sitting... of course he has feelings for you!!! And it's not just about sex. The real question is do you have feelings for him? If so, then there's only two options. You both mutually agree to cut contact so these feelings fade away, or you make a plan so that you two can live together again. Keeping things like they are will only be torturous. If you don't have feelings for him, then I'd let him know ASAP to avoid hurting him.
Author rach0019 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 Calls you pet names, brings up your relationship frequently, Skyped with you for 10 hours in one sitting... of course he has feelings for you!!! And it's not just about sex. The real question is do you have feelings for him? If so, then there's only two options. You both mutually agree to cut contact so these feelings fade away, or you make a plan so that you two can live together again. Keeping things like they are will only be torturous. If you don't have feelings for him, then I'd let him know ASAP to avoid hurting him. I had kind of thought the same thing as you, but then sometimes he says things that make me think that he doesn't have feelings? Not sure if I should trust his words or actions, haha. I don't know if the cutting contact would go down so well with him (or me), but the second option is definitely viable if he does have feelings! And I definitely do have feelings for him, and I think he knows that. I'll definitely talk to him about it, thanks so much for your help!
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