misty1114 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I've been posting a few threads about a 23-yo guy who I've been seeing for the past 3 months. We have not been physically intimate, however we both agreed to date exclusively. He said his longest relationship was 6 months and he tends to be pursued by the girls he has dated. Thus, when we started seeing each other things were progressing slowly for us. Last night we had a conversation about becoming official and he told me he's not ready because he doesn't know how to make it work with his busy schedule at school (he's in grad school). He said he needs some time to think it through and figure it out. He said he really likes me and he sees a potential for us to be together long term. However at the moment he needs some time to think and he wants to continue seeing me. So far he has made an effort to contact me on a daily basis as I wanted and I've met a few of his friends. I do like him a lot, and I'm trying to decide if I should give him time or if I should leave him. Has anyone had a similar experience before? He did tell me that he's looking for a serious long-term relationship
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Need some time to figure it out? Sorry hun he ain't that into you. Go find yourself a real man that knows that he wants to be with you. 5
SwordofFlame Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'm of the opinion that if a guy really likes you, he'll make time for you regardless. Busy with grad school sounds like a poor excuse and I'm a guy. 1
IronZ Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 What a non-answer he gave you! He's interested in you but he needs to think about it? Gimme a break.. 1
kendahke Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I've been posting a few threads about a 23-yo guy who I've been seeing for the past 3 months. We have not been physically intimate, however we both agreed to date exclusively. He said his longest relationship was 6 months and he tends to be pursued by the girls he has dated. Thus, when we started seeing each other things were progressing slowly for us. Last night we had a conversation about becoming official and he told me he's not ready because he doesn't know how to make it work with his busy schedule at school (he's in grad school). He said he needs some time to think it through and figure it out. He said he really likes me and he sees a potential for us to be together long term. However at the moment he needs some time to think and he wants to continue seeing me. So far he has made an effort to contact me on a daily basis as I wanted and I've met a few of his friends. I do like him a lot, and I'm trying to decide if I should give him time or if I should leave him. Has anyone had a similar experience before? He did tell me that he's looking for a serious long-term relationship No he's not. He's looking for consistent, convenient sex. Plenty of married men attend grad school. My dad was one. My parents made it work and plenty of other married couples make it work. That's an excuse he's giving you. It's up to you to continue seeing him, but you do it understanding that he's not going to allow it to deepen or lead to anything anytime soon. You know this about him right now--you can't claim that you had no idea he felt this way a year from now when you're in the same place with him having the same discussion and him telling you the same thing. If you have that kind of time and youth to waste, go for it and wait on him. I suggest you don't do that. I suggest you find a guy who wants what you want when you want it.
xxoo Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I've been posting a few threads about a 23-yo guy who I've been seeing for the past 3 months. We have not been physically intimate, however we both agreed to date exclusively. He said his longest relationship was 6 months and he tends to be pursued by the girls he has dated. Thus, when we started seeing each other things were progressing slowly for us. Last night we had a conversation about becoming official and he told me he's not ready because he doesn't know how to make it work with his busy schedule at school (he's in grad school). He said he needs some time to think it through and figure it out. He said he really likes me and he sees a potential for us to be together long term. However at the moment he needs some time to think and he wants to continue seeing me. So far he has made an effort to contact me on a daily basis as I wanted and I've met a few of his friends. I do like him a lot, and I'm trying to decide if I should give him time or if I should leave him. Has anyone had a similar experience before? He did tell me that he's looking for a serious long-term relationship It's ok to give it time, as long as you keep your investment equal to his. If you still want to talk to him and see him casually, do that for now. Don't get physically intimate under these circumstances. I suspect you'll soon lose interest in the situation as it is when he fails to be readier. Time makes things clear.
thecrucible Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I agree with xxoo. At least by holding off on the sex, you'll see things clearly and he won't be able to use you. If he is really only interested in something casual, he'll fall off the radar with that. It could be that he's not at a stage in his life when he wants a serious relationship so it may not have anything to do with you. I just remember I've had affairs not go anywhere with certain guys in the past and obviously they didn't like me enough but at least some of those guys were just not at the stage to settle down in a relationship. I just wonder if that is what he is thinking since he is only 23 years old.
Author misty1114 Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 I agree with withholding sex and I'm definitely not going to sleep with him any time soon. The thing that confuses me is that he has never once initiated sex. We have been seeing each other mostly in public. I did come over his place a couple of times and we only made out. He never made any sexual advances. So at least I don't think he's in it for the sex. He asks me out every week and seems to be into me when we're together. So I'm just really confused as to why he won't commit and that's why I don't know if I should continue. He said he wants something long-term, but maybe he doesn't mean what he says, or that his definition of long term is different.
ScienceGal Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I'm of the opinion that if a guy really likes you, he'll make time for you regardless. Busy with grad school sounds like a poor excuse and I'm a guy. Busy with grad school is a poor excuse. I work full time and am in grad. school part time, so I can say that with confidence. I don't always have a lot of time to give, but I prioritize and make time for those who are important to me. If he cares enough for you, he would fit you in to the time he has to give. Bottom line: if a someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. They will make it happen regardless of the obstacles. He's dragging his feet and playing games. Please don't wait around. 1
FeelingFireworks Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Agree with all of the above. He's feeding you a really bad line, because he's either too chicken to end things or likes the convenience of your company (even if it doesn't fire him up the way being in love would). When he finds the girl he really wants, magically all this spare time will just present itself for him to see her. It's similar to the guy who says he's not ready to get married and the girlfriend wastes all her good/fertile years waiting for him to be ready. Then a mere few months after the relationship ends, he's engaged to another girl and ready to have kids. And girlfriend can't make sense of it only because she couldn't/wouldn't see the wood from the trees. Don't be the blind girl who gets left in the dust with her heart and self respect in tatters. Also don't be bitter or angry - looking at it more objectively will help cool your emotions. Simply read the signs, take a deep breath and act accordingly. IMHO, clearly stating reasons to split and doing so in a clean, quick and civil way is what I'd go for.
joystickd Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Three months you want a commitment but you all haven't had sex. You wasted his time so now he is wasting yours. If not that he is just planning his exit.
joystickd Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Agree with all of the above. He's feeding you a really bad line, because he's either too chicken to end things or likes the convenience of your company (even if it doesn't fire him up the way being in love would). When he finds the girl he really wants, magically all this spare time will just present itself for him to see her. It's similar to the guy who says he's not ready to get married and the girlfriend wastes all her good/fertile years waiting for him to be ready. Then a mere few months after the relationship ends, he's engaged to another girl and ready to have kids. And girlfriend can't make sense of it only because she couldn't/wouldn't see the wood from the trees. Don't be the blind girl who gets left in the dust with her heart and self respect in tatters. Also don't be bitter or angry - looking at it more objectively will help cool your emotions. Simply read the signs, take a deep breath and act accordingly. IMHO, clearly stating reasons to split and doing so in a clean, quick and civil way is what I'd go for. It's not fear but the fact that man just didn't see that woman as commitment material. He keeps her around. It's not what the woman like but she accepts it. It's on her if she hangs around. He showed her what he wants
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I'd cut the cord here. A guy who really likes you and wants a relationship with you doesn't need more time to think after 3 months. Sure, he's busy, but plenty of busy people also manage relationships. He just doesn't want to prioritize that. If you'd like to be in a relationship, this isn't the guy for you.
Lois_Griffin Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 If he hasn't even tried to have sex after 3 months, then he's probably getting it somewhere else and that's why he's in no rush to commit to you - he'll lose his other source of sex. There's also the possibility you're a 'beard' for him - he's a closet gay but trying to do what society expects him to do - date women. In either scenario, you lose. 1
joystickd Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 If he hasn't even tried to have sex after 3 months, then he's probably getting it somewhere else and that's why he's in no rush to commit to you - he'll lose his other source of sex. There's also the possibility you're a 'beard' for him - he's a closet gay but trying to do what society expects him to do - date women. In either scenario, you lose. She just full of BS.
SwordofFlame Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 OP, why exactly do you want him to make it official? Are you using that confirm his feelings for you? Let's say he says yes but his actions don't change at all. Will you actually be reassured? Men can say anything, make sure his actions are consistent with what he says. I don't think his actions or lack of actions so far indicates he wants a relationship with you.
xcupid Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 What's the big deal about it being "official"? You're either dating exclusively and boyfriend/girlfriend or not. That really is a no brainer. He doesn't need time to think that one out. His issue is having time to date you because he's busy with school. Sounds like he's too busy and is trying to keep you on the back burner. Don't hold your breath that this will work into something more.
kodakgirl Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Last night we had a conversation about becoming official and he told me he's not ready because he doesn't know how to make it work with his busy schedule at school (he's in grad school). Lame. I'm a first year PhD student, bf is doing his MA (different fields at different universities in the same city). We became official after three and a half weeks (with much time spent together in them, not just a couple dates!). Yep, our busy schedules and stress and tiredness levels are a thing to deal with, but we're so very into one another that it's a thing we're both happy to deal with, no hesitations. I've been the one to be oh-so-understanding of a guy needing "time" and "to think".... pfft. If it ever comes up again in the future, if a guy needs "to think" about what he wants to do with me, I'll make the decision very easy for him, by removing the option of "be with me."
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