leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Hi Guys, Been with my gf about 3 - 4 months now. Everything has / had been going smoothly. A little background info, she recently started a new job, which requires a lot more of her time...ie hour commute, plus full hour days, so I know there is going to be an adjustment to schedules / patterns, etc. She has just finished her 3rd week and everything seemed fine up until a few days ago. We had spend the previous two weekends together with no problems. This weekend, she has been extremely quiet, and cancelled plans the last two nights (one due to being tired, last night due to issues with her best friend). We texted a bit last night and made plans for tonight (but Im unsure whether they will happen...call it a gut feeling). Is this the start of the end or is it simply a case of struggling to balance everything and me being the odd one out (we have a couple weekends planned next month out of town) or should I just let it go for a week and see how things go?
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Is this the start of the end or is it simply a case of struggling to balance everything and me being the odd one out (we have a couple weekends planned next month out of town) or should I just let it go for a week and see how things go? You're very quick to call it 'the start of the end'. This is just life getting in the way. Starting a new job is very stressing + add to it the new long transit. She has been on auto-pilot for the last 3 weeks. Now that she is letting her guards down a little she realizes how tiring these past 3 weeks have been. Even if she cancels tonight just be understanding. She's the one having to deal with the new life. 2
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Starting a new job usually means meeting new people. If things keep going the way they are, I'd guess she met someone she is into. Since it has only been a couple off days, there isn't much you can do other than let this play out a bit longer. You always see cheating everywhere. Can she just be tired? 2
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Thx Enigma, that's what I thought too. It's hard to ignore these instincts, and she mentioned that her and her besty were back at her place last night, so not sure why I could not have been there as Ive hung out with them both in the past. If it wasn't for that info I wouldn't be questioning it so much. Especially when I haven't seen her in almost a week.
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Thx Enigma, that's what I thought too. It's hard to ignore these instincts, and she mentioned that her and her besty were back at her place last night, so not sure why I could not have been there as Ive hung out with them both in the past. If it wasn't for that info I wouldn't be questioning it so much. Especially when I haven't seen her in almost a week. So we women have to give you guys your men' time together but us women have to include you in everyone of our project? Don't you think she is entitled to see her friends without you there?
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Gaeta, I never said she could not see her friends. Fact or the matter is she saw her best friend this week on both my class nights, so I was a little bit shocked when she cancelled last night with me to see her again. Has nothing to do with preventing her or anything else.
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 She was tired Thursday night She spent time with her friend last night because of an issue you said, I imagine her friend needed her. All this is normal in a woman's life. Then she made plans with you for tonight. You have a gut feeling she will cancel but she has not. So this thread is not about having a problem, so far there is no problem. This thread is about something that has not happened yet. Right?
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 No she has not cancelled, and yes we are supposed to have plans. Again, this is about the changes I have noticed from the previous few days, ie cancelling plans, texting habits and just general tone that seems off from the previous three months (the plans are simply information about said behavioral changes.) Which is why I am asking for input. Is it possible there is no problem, entirely plausible. Is it possible it is the other extreme, again, plausible. Somewhere between the two...also plausible. I was simply asking for opinions and I am grateful as a female you think I am overreacting and perhaps I am. I am simply asking because these past few days have been out of character for her.
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Gaeta, can I ask you at what point should I start being more concerned...cancelling tonight, not seeing her tomorrow?
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Again, this is about the changes I have noticed from the previous few days, ie cancelling plans, texting habits and just general tone that seems off from the previous three months You did not mention in your original post that her texting and tone have changed. When did it start changing?
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 People notice a change in patterns pretty quickly and know when they are being slow faded. The best thing you can do is relax and see if she comes back around. Your natural instincts will be to seek reassurance from her, but it will backfire on you. You need to leave her alone and show that you value yourself and will not accept flakiness. This could be a test or she could really be done. Either way, don't allow her to pull your strings like a puppet. 1
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Sorry, That's all sort of implied with the behavioral change...and again I noticed the difference Wednesday into Thursday. Normally she would text me when she is home from work. Since it is a long commute, I like to know she gets in ok...standard practice. Wednesday she has other committments, so I didn't think it was an issue if she was rushing as it has happened before. Thursday, she fell asleep and didn't text me until after, and last night I heard nothing until about 9pm when she had basically concluded half her plans and thought was planning on seeing me, which was when I found out she was still with her besty (citing the issues). Today, she has stuff through the day, which she would normally update in the past so I know approximately when to be ready, where as today I have heard nothing thus far. I really don't have a reason on it other than either tiredness or the other end of the spectrum of feeling overwhelmed. It's been pretty sudden.
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 OK I understand better now and I can see where you're feeling there is a little something off. I think tonight will be telling if there is indeed something off or it has just been hectic for her. We can tell when someone is not totally connected with us when we spend time together.. There is also the fact your relationship has reached this comfort zone. After 3-4 months we get more comfortable and trusting. The type of trusting that if something is off with our gf-bf it's because they have a good reason and it's not because of us. I think tomorrow you will be able to have a clearer view on things.
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Sorry for omitting that, I wasn't just speaking out of fear. I definitely think something is up despite her saying she is "just tired and busy" when I asked her, which also kind of has me wondering if I am the odd one out. I would definitely say the comfortable phase has been reached, but we really haven't had that talk of where things are going either. Given how quickly things got serious...maybe it is time we sit down and figure it out as well assuming things are ok.
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 No, it's not time to discuss anything. Discussing this with her will be like pulling teeth and make her push you away. Her actions are telling you that she wants space (for whatever reason) and you're supposed to pick up on that. At this point, anything you say can and will be used against you (lol). This is your moment to show that you have your own life and aren't dependent on her for your happiness. She needs to miss you and wonder what you are up to. Go out and do other things and be too busy for her for a while. The last thing you want to do is suffocate someone that already feels suffocated. Go google engulfment fears and do some research. Sometimes people really do need some space and we mess it up by continuing to hound them about it. The more you pursue, the more she is going to distance herself. Us men are mind readers. Didn't you already know this? 2
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I would definitely say the comfortable phase has been reached, but we really haven't had that talk of where things are going either. Given how quickly things got serious...maybe it is time we sit down and figure it out as well assuming things are ok. No no no, do not have a talk about where this is going. You've only been dating 3-4 months. As I understand it you are exclusive and are official girlfriend-boyfriend so there is no next step to talk about here. You still have months of getting to know each other before you reach the next 'talk'. Leafguy: People are not always on the same wave. In a relationship there is a lot unconscious push and pull. Sometimes we need more space as usual because of new event like a new job, a new transit, a friend with problems, etc. I predict you will have a great time together tonight and that will take care of your fears.
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Lol Thx, Here not there. I haven't been spamming her phone or anything like that...couple texts a day which is all I can really do. I've gone out each night whether it be class, sports or friends. Having my own life has not been an issue, as the same with her. Update: got a text of sorry I've had no phone service, but did get an update of where she was at through her daily plans, but nothing regarding us tonight. Not sure how to take that one...good or bad thing?
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Update: got a text of sorry I've had no phone service, but did get an update of where she was at through her daily plans, but nothing regarding us tonight. Not sure how to take that one...good or bad thing? Why is she reporting to you where she goes and what she does? Don't you have plans for tonight? like a time and a place? if not why do you hesitate to set it up with her? Ask her...so what are you up to for tonight wanna catch a movie? (anything she likes)
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 We are supposed to go to dinner / movie and then back to one of our places. She is coaching today, so her timeframe is variable based on how her team does, so I asked her to let me know where they were at when it was close to being done, so I can know approximately when to get ready for. Has nothing to do with wanting her to report to me when and where she is, which is why we couldnt set a time for today. The thing I am more concerned with is the my phone isn't working thing.
Poutrew Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Are you absolutely sure she really was with her bestie? If she tries this again, you could try calling the friends home number and if she answers it, then you have an answer... unfortunately, if your gut is saying something is not right, it usually is telling you the truth. But, I hope for your sake it is just your own insecurities making you feel this way...
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Am I sure Poutrew...noone can ever be 100% sure in a circumstance like this She has never given me any reason not to trust her and why I have been seeking advice here. It has been a few days, not a few weeks of this, which is why I am not doing anything stupid. It could be me looking too much into it, and it could be something else completely. This is strictly my gut telling me something is off and why I am chatting here to get some possible perspectives.
HereNorThere Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Nah, she's being shady and you know it. You may not have all the details, but something is up. That phone service message is like a little kid holding a crayon saying "I didn't do it" as soon you walk in the room and see coloring all over the wall. She's not even good at lying.
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 I am inclined to agree with you on that one. The phone service thing is feeling like a set up for tonight. At this point, Im getting that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I am going to see how the next few hours play out before deciding on my course of action.
Saracena Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 You're very quick to call it 'the start of the end'. This is just life getting in the way. Starting a new job is very stressing + add to it the new long transit. She has been on auto-pilot for the last 3 weeks. Now that she is letting her guards down a little she realizes how tiring these past 3 weeks have been. Even if she cancels tonight be understanding. She's the one having to deal with the new life. Exactly. OP I did precisely the same thing when I first started my first job-cancelled plans for genuine reasons (tiredness) which elicited the same reaction from my boyfriend who, rather than accepting my request at face value, sensed a 'shift' in the relationship, I knew by the anxious look on his face when he came over to mine offering to spend the evening indoors with me instead! 1
Author leafguy Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Thx Sarcena, Appreciate your input with similar experience. Means a lot. How long did it take you to adjust? What ultimately became of your bf?
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