mioum Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) Hello everybody, it's the first time I post a personal story on a forum. But that means also I've never been so confused...Sorry for the long post but some details are important here I guess. I've been dating a guy with whom I shared a lot in a short time. It was exclusive between us. We were talking a lot, saw each other almost everyday. We went together for holidays...I know he cared about me through reactions he had. Once I had a wrong reaction during a party (jealousy). I didn't want to tell him first, I wanted to stay alone and he respected this. Then he saw me talking with a friend so he came back to me and tried to make me talk. He was like "please try to talk to me" and he really cared about how and what I was feeling..Not only that time he stand by me and told me to always try to talk about stuff that would bother me etc. Once something similar happened to him. He misunderstood my reaction and thought I didn't care about him that much. But we talked about it and it was all good afterwards. He was always being a gentleman, very kind and treated me almost like a princess and everybody saw how much he was into me...And someday he just tranformed into another person. End conversation we had, he gave me different explanations that made no sense in my mind. He said stuff like I cant have a relationship now, it was too much, it got too serious, too fast, it's me I cant have feelings etc. I asked him if I did something wrong or if something disturbed him. He said between us all was good and perfect and I didn't do anything wrong but it's just him. I was kinda shocked and couldn't say much. But I convinced him some stuff he was saying made no sense and were wrong. Still it didn't change much in what he was saying. Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't kinda fight to get him back or to show him how much I care about him etc. I was never so confused in my life I guess. I just can't admit that he don't care about me anymore. We were so good together and he told me stuff like "I feel so good and comfortable with you. In a short time I did stuff with you I didn't do with my ex in a year" and "Its so nice between us and its not just about sex..I have lot of fun with you" etc. So many details like this that make me crazy. I just can't get it. When I wrote him to tell him we should meet (to have that last conversation) he answered directly and said "yes we can meet tonight"...but I don't know. He was also expecting me to say more things "tell me what you have to say" but I was under shock somehow and what he said kinda gave me the impression there's nothing more to say...But I'm still thinking "what if..." .. I would love to hear your point of view about this, because nobody could explain this , neither me nor my friends... Thanks a lot. Edited January 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for clarity ~ V
trippi1432 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Welcome to LS, so sorry that this is happening to your right now. Sometimes in relationships, one or the other have a tendency to pull away. Whether it's that they look at the big picture, what's the future for the relationship, and get scared or they are just emotionally unavailable remains to be seen. Don't be surprised if you hear from him that "There is no future for the relationship", "it's not you, it's me", "You deserve better".....etc when you speak with him. The guy I was dating last summer pulled this same thing after four months when an old exGF from over a decade prior called him up to re-establish their friendship. Believe him when he says "it's not you, it's me" because it really is something within him that he needs to either fix, re-evaluate, figure out...etc and fighting for him isn't going to solve it for him. Most likely, it will drive him further away. I have a deal breaker policy for my love life, when the person I'm involved with starts showing me no interest or wants to break up, I'm like Reba's song "Consider me Gone". Right now, you do deserve better. You need to affirm that to yourself and treat yourself with the same kindness you gave to him. Good luck with your talk.....perhaps there isn't really much to say, so I would just listen and take half of what he has to say with a grain on salt.
Author mioum Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Welcome to LS, so sorry that this is happening to your right now. Sometimes in relationships, one or the other have a tendency to pull away. Whether it's that they look at the big picture, what's the future for the relationship, and get scared or they are just emotionally unavailable remains to be seen. Don't be surprised if you hear from him that "There is no future for the relationship", "it's not you, it's me", "You deserve better".....etc when you speak with him. The guy I was dating last summer pulled this same thing after four months when an old exGF from over a decade prior called him up to re-establish their friendship. Believe him when he says "it's not you, it's me" because it really is something within him that he needs to either fix, re-evaluate, figure out...etc and fighting for him isn't going to solve it for him. Most likely, it will drive him further away. I have a deal breaker policy for my love life, when the person I'm involved with starts showing me no interest or wants to break up, I'm like Reba's song "Consider me Gone". Right now, you do deserve better. You need to affirm that to yourself and treat yourself with the same kindness you gave to him. Good luck with your talk.....perhaps there isn't really much to say, so I would just listen and take half of what he has to say with a grain on salt. Thanks a lot for your answer. We had our talk already actually, where he gave me his confusing reasons...He also seemed confused and I know he's also having a hard time right now with his studies etc. But yea what can I do more...I tried to express myself but at some point I just couldnt say anything anymore and he was "tell me what you have to say...". It sounded like he wanted to hear something from me. But I dont know. Sometimes I feel like talking to him again (I know he would answer me and keep the talk I guess) but I dont think I'm ready for this yet..
trippi1432 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Aww, okay. (((Hugs!))) I'm sure it's confusing for both of you. His studies may have been the trigger to him pulling away as well. It would probably be best to give each other space at this time. Empower yourself to heal, go out with friends and treat yourself well. It doesn't sound like any of this is on you.....it's his confusion to figure out. Be well.
Itspointless Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Thanks a lot for your answer. We had our talk already actually, where he gave me his confusing reasons...He also seemed confused and I know he's also having a hard time right now with his studies etc. But yea what can I do more...I tried to express myself but at some point I just couldnt say anything anymore and he was "tell me what you have to say...". It sounded like he wanted to hear something from me. But I dont know. Sometimes I feel like talking to him again (I know he would answer me and keep the talk I guess) but I dont think I'm ready for this yet.. Stress can be a trigger to do these kind of things for some people. It also makes some of them rationalize everything, including making things up to justify their behaviour for breaking up. It most of the time has no use to fight it, it is their reality and they really need that space, as it makes them calm down. But It is very confusing and awfully painful when you are on the receiving end. Especially knowing that you are the only one left remembering how good things were. A good things is that it saves you from a partner who flees every time things go a bit rough. I am sorry you had to experience this too
Author mioum Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 Thanks a lot for your support <3 Yes it's really sad to see how other stuff can destroy such a beautiful thing...I hope some day he'll see what a big loss that was..
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 A few questions to help me better understand the context: 1) How long were you together? 2) What exactly happened when you say you had a bad reaction at the party? 3) You mentioned a time when he misunderstood and thought you didn't care about him - what happened on that occasion? The answers to these questions might help us better understand the overall relationship dynamic, and thus his decision to end it. And sorry you're hurting; break-ups are always tough.
Author mioum Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) A few questions to help me better understand the context: Thank you for your answer 1) How long were you together? 2) What exactly happened when you say you had a bad reaction at the party? 3) You mentioned a time when he misunderstood and thought you didn't care about him - what happened on that occasion? The answers to these questions might help us better understand the overall relationship dynamic, and thus his decision to end it. And sorry you're hurting; break-ups are always tough. 1) How long were you together? About a month. But we were meeting daily or every second day... 2) What exactly happened when you say you had a bad reaction at the party? I was drunk and was jealous out of nowhere...What actually happened is that I danced a bit with guys friends of mine and then he danced with a good friend of mine (it was her birthday party) and he knew her from before. I was stupid and got jealous because of that. And when we talked about it he told me he actually just want to dance with me but since I was dancing with the guys so he just danced with her. He pushed me to talk cauz I got so silent and I really appreciated his reaction, cauz thats actually the way I wanted him to react... 3) You mentioned a time when he misunderstood and thought you didn't care about him - what happened on that occasion? We were at a club. He was a little bit pissed already cauz we had to wait 2 or 3 hours until we get inside. We were on the dance floor next to each other dancing a bit and at some point he left. Thought he's gonna pick up a drink and come back. I kept dancing and didnt really looked for him cauz at some point I thought he wanted to stay alone...after half an hour or less I turned around and saw he was sitting and looking at his phone. I asked him that night several times if everythings good and he kept saying yes. But I knew something was wrong. So I got pissed as well at some point. The day after when we talked about it he said he felt that I didnt care about him in the club...But I explained myself and I thought all was good afterwards...He acted normally again at least. I thought about sending him this message, you think its a good idea?: "I want you to know that I'm not as mad at you as you think I'm. I can understand that you cant help what you did or what you don't feel...I feel disappointed of course and hurt a bit but you were honest (I hope) and thats how things are and so I'm moving on. Also I dont want it to be awkward between us if we meet somewhere or something and I prefer we keep saying Hi to each other." Edited January 16, 2016 by mioum
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 If you haven't already sent a message to him, I would suggest that you don't ask or agree to remain friends. I do like the part that you don't want it to be awkward if you each see each other out. I do have to ask though, since the two of you have had this final conversation, what would be the point of sending that message?
Author mioum Posted January 17, 2016 Author Posted January 17, 2016 If you haven't already sent a message to him, I would suggest that you don't ask or agree to remain friends. I do like the part that you don't want it to be awkward if you each see each other out. I do have to ask though, since the two of you have had this final conversation, what would be the point of sending that message? No I dont want to ask him to remain friends. But since that conversation ended up in a not a very good way (He could see that I was mad) , I thought maybe it would be good to "bring some peace" again. Also I find it a bit awkward to send him a message just to tell him we should keep saying Hi to each other...
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 I think you probably both needed to work on communication skills. Going silent (as at the party) or wandering off and pouting (as he did in the club) to elicit a reaction is ineffective and causes unnecessary drama. I speak from experience when I say it is far better to calmly, directly state why you're upset, rather than trying to get your partner to coax it out of you - that gets old fast. It starts to feel like playing games, in a way. Also, spending nearly every day together so soon is a lot for many people. That tends to lead to quick burn-out as it just can't be sustained. He may have been telling you the truth when he said it was progressing too fast. However, the fact that he chose to end it rather than discuss solutions is telling. In any event, moving forward I would just keep the above in mind. Take your time getting to know a guy and incorporate healthy space, and communicate more clearly. I think it's done with this guy, though. No Contact from here on out.
Itspointless Posted January 17, 2016 Posted January 17, 2016 Well as I understand there can be lots of reasons why he did what he did, including the ones I talked about. I too got the thought about communication-skills with the reactions after my post. He apparently tries to be a good listener when things won't come emotionally close. Even that does not mean that he is a good listener. Good communication entails even more skills. Good communication really isn't easy too, so try for yourself to take from this some lessons, ExpatInItaly gave you some examples you can take away here. People being passive-aggressive is always a troubling sign, as it means that people are angry but do not want to (or cannot) talk about what is causing them to internalize and implode as it were.
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