towch Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 So i'm 26, my gf is 23. Since i started dating her she spends most of her time at my space like you can almost consider us living together. I have no problem with her being in my place as long as i don't get disturbed all the time. Anyways to the crux of the matter. Gf's parent are extremely religious, traditional and tribalist. They already have an issue with her dating outside her tribe. Anyways her mom keeps calling her constantly asking her why she is never in the house and saying **** like she is being used by me and stuff. She and her mom since i started dating have never had a single normal conversation, its always yelling and talking about her spending time at my place and never being home, bringing religion and what not into it. I say out of it, its not my business if they cant have a normal conversation nor am i holding her hostage. I don't stop her from coming or going, she can do so as she pleases. But her parents come for me like its my fault making comments to my gf if that is how my parents trained me and she my culture permits such times (Basically im suppose to marry her be we can be doing what we are doing). Today her mom called her and like clockwork they start arguing about why she isn't home. Gf claims she isn't home because of her moms behavior and her mom claims she isn't happy because Gf doesn't stay home. They go at it and gf hangs up. I her starts blasting my phone, as usual i don't answer, gf takes my phone and blocks her moms number. Her mother sends me a text saying you will like to see me today or tomorrow. I am kinda reluctant because she isn't try to see me because she doesn't know me. I believe she is trying to see me to scold me and i will not be having that crap. Gf insist i should see her mom so she can see i am a good person but she is being delusional. Her mom has a problem because her ass will not stay home not me and i will not take flak for it when i know i dont require/force her to stay at my place. Time when we choose to spend a day apart, just one day....she cant do it, she will say she forgot something and needs to pick it up. She comes over and does not leave. Now if i decide to see her mom. Should keep quiet and lie about being religious and traditional. or should i be respectful but not lie and take ****. Your thoughts....Thanks!!
ses Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 Be respectful as always, but don't lie about your religious beliefs—that solves nothing and will only cause issues down the road. Are you and your girlfriend serious? I'm assuming she won't be able to move in with you until she's married if her family is really religious/traditional. Dating someone from a different cultural/religious background can be difficult. You should ask your girlfriend what her expectations and the expectations of her family are regarding relationships. Her family may assume she'll have an arranged marriage which is why there's a lot of conflict—you're not a serious prospect for them. Her family may never fully accept you unless you convert or agree to raise children in their religion. Immigrant parents are hard to crack, and I'm a child of one. Marrying within the tribe/race/religion is the only acceptable option. What are your deal breakers?
kendahke Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) Your girlfriend needs to go home for more days out of the week than she spends at your place. It would be different if your girlfriend had her own place to live--then her mother couldn't say anything to her about it. But as long as your girlfriend is storing her belongings at her mother's house for free, her mom is going to have something to say to her. Your girlfriend needs to choose whether she's a grown woman or her mother's child. If she's a grown woman, then it's time to move out, get a job and support herself, independently from you, too. If she is her mother's child, then she has to obey her mother. As long as she's playing house with you, and her stuff is still taking up space in her mother's house, mom is going to be unpleasant about it. Talk to her mom, but stand your ground with her. If she didn't make home life so unbearable, perhaps her daughter would stay home more than she does. But the fact of the matter is: her daughter is grown and is doing what she wants to do. Now, if that rubs mom the wrong way, then it's time for her to tell her daughter to move out so her living unmarried with a man isn't in her face--because that's what her absense is to her mother. A reminder that she's not living according to the religious principles she was raised in. Like I said, your girlfriend needs to move into her own place and support herself. Edited January 16, 2016 by kendahke
Author towch Posted January 16, 2016 Author Posted January 16, 2016 We are both from Nigeria and Christians...i'm not a practicing one. I told her that i would be respectful but the only thing i will not take is my parents being insulted directly or indirectly. She couldn't guarantee me that. Anyways the solution to this would be for her to stay home (even just Sleeping home) more often or move out. I just hope this is not one of those situation where people let their family ruin their relationship. I keep telling her every time "i am in a relationship with you not your family".
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 If you are both from the same country and culture then you fully understand your mother-in-law. How come you have not met them already? They want to meet you because it's the respectful thing to do towards them and towards your girlfriend. So be a man, put your best pair of pants on and go meet them. If they give you **** then take it like a man and don't forget you're under their roof. No parents want to see their daughter spend all of her days and nights with a man they have never met, and this in any culture. 1
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I keep telling her every time "i am in a relationship with you not your family". You got that wrong. When you are in a relationship with someone you have at the same time a relationship with their family. If you don't want to take interest in your girlfirend's family maybe you are not that interested in her. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 You got that wrong. When you are in a relationship with someone you have at the same time a relationship with their family. If you don't want to take interest in your girlfirend's family maybe you are not that interested in her. Yeah even my husband met my father. My father was a total idiot to him, I figured he would be. Your gf knows this too. BUT parents get given the chance to meet, then if they are idiots, you have a perfectly valid reason to not deal with their BS. I don't expect much from my husband in regards to my parents. They would have been stupid no matter who I chose to marry. So when they were, he got a free, no-pressure pass to not deal with them most of the time. Basically, we negotiate when I would like him to go with me to their place. I hate going there too. I hate it a lot. This Christmas, he got a higher-speed internet connection for going over there with me. Finally my mother and I were getting along ENOUGH that it would be somewhat rude not to go, but not enough that I wanted to go alone. Be who you are to them. If they don't like it, that's their tough beans. BUT underline that you treat their daughter with respect, not pressure, you have good intentions with her, and you expect her to make her own decisions regarding where she sleeps at night. Not you. Not them. Her.
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